De one with A Metaphor Expression

Sweet

If our relationship is an examination paper
And you're the subject or module

It's really gonna be highly unpredictable for me to get a distinction

Because your syllabus is ever changing
I may have come for exam with a totally different knowledge

Each time I sit for the examination
Instructions are ever-changing that I'll never get to anticipate it right
Except I'm in luck by chance

Different attempts at it requires to be answered
in different language, answering style &
even undetermined type of written material (pen/marker/projector writer/pencil)
and various colour of ink permitted for use

Some attempts I am so lost,
I leave a blank (when I keep quiet),
I'll get an immediate "zero"

Sometimes the print is not clear (whenever you hardly being loving to me)
I get sad and insecure
because I am afraid of failing

When I fail (when I do/say things that made u angry)
I have to do "corrections" (reviewing after calming down)
Then I'll realise how stupid, regretful I am
For making the mistake

When I fail badly,
I feel ultimately depressed.
When you're so easy to pass,
I scored high-spiritedly!

Yet I can't drop this subject/modue (I can't break up with you)
Because it's mandatory once I've take it
Otherwise, I wouldn't graduate

It is how unassuming the examination and module can be
That's why I'm worried most of the time
whether I'll even achieve a pass...

De one with I've Lost It [Emolings]

Silent twilight

I feel so helpless. I'm really unsure of self-control. Feels terrible.
I swore I'll never cry for anybody else anymore..however, it's really hurtful inside.. I feel as if I've lost control of your attention for me.. As if I'm a toy discarded into one of your "organising box" and soon-to-be-forgotten by you, Sweet...

I happened to be reading all the past sms-es which Sweet sent me. I was so touched to tears. Nearly 2 months ago, Sweet never fails to message me daily..every now and then, as if I'm so indispensible in Sweet's life. In all the sms, Sweet impressed and made me feel so important to Sweet.

Alot of people would agree.. similar to my own experience that things fade.. love and feelings fades too over time? I know, if I ask Sweet, Sweet will just rebut me, saying "if you keep looking back, you'll never move on"...

Sigh..

It's really a great difference. It's undeniable for me to feel I'm suddenly "de-valued" in the heart -positioning of Sweet. Pardon me but all the eroding actions tells me so..

I tried very hard..*sobs*..to block all these but it's just so obvious.. It's becoming more and more difficult..

Perhaps Sweet's distracted.. I really don't know. I'm afraid to say, otherwise Sweet will just slap me with saying I'm not trusting and doubting Sweet.

Don't you see..you've changed.. I really don't know how to express it but everything's becoming distanc-ing from me.. I really can't help feeling insecure..

Yet i'm really afraid to say it to you because you'll just get annoyed that I'm just another person sticking to you. Which I never. I just want very much..things to be the same sweet and passionate. Without having you to doubt me, argue with me, mis-understanding and/or ill-thinking that I'm being unreasonable, giving you nonsense or being demanding and imposing my expression of love, relationship on you. Thereby making you feel oppressed and withdrawn from me.

The worst will be you just simply saying you want me to give up since I can't accept whatever you changed to as you deemed yourself to be. It's plainly an insult everytime you label me as someone who you can simply have no feelings and offer me choices to stay or leave you.

You know that I'm not able to give up..I've always find it awfully miserable to let go...
Sigh..

Perhaps is it because of my grave mistake? my concerns which is perceived to be a dreadful negativity or pessimistism that made you became this way.. It's been since then you started to disregard me as a lover-you-can't-do-without-with and start to flare at me.. and the "stigma"

Perhaps I'm really not that important in your life?

Or perhaps (this may be the most pragmatic reason) that you're too tired with your life again...

I really really really really really really miss the old ever-concerning, loving, more accomodating Sweet who seems to want, need and ethusiastically love me more than anything else for the moment (which you never seemed to want it to end)..

I can't cry (I'll be crazy if I smile now).. I can't break up (I love you so dearly).. I can't deny this awareness (because it's evident.. and I knew we were so much happier then..that we didn't even quarrel back then simply due to our commitment to laughter and love).. I'm really devasted when I find myself running out of choices..

Sorry. I just don't like things to deteriorate.. If it's me to blame for your behaviour now.. I didn't mean it to be.. How I wish I have the ability to turn back time.

Then again.. I'm not going to board over it. This feeling and realisation are just like a passing shower..

As the saying goes

"Do unto others what you would have them do unto you"

Sweet..i'm in continual to love you. Despite whatever or how undesirable or unsatisfying you treated me, my love has only increase or remained the same as ever. I'm trying my best to curb with my vocalness and comfortability being with you. Of course, in doing so, I've caused some disappointment and unhappiness to you. I'm trying.. I've never stopped..

That's why I treasure you.. I chase after you whenever you walk off in anger..
That's also why.. I braved this entry online..

All in all, I am not demanding or expecting you to grant me more.. but let's work this out to revive our "honeymood period" and make it day to day, anniversary to anniversary..