De one with My Brother

Tears from the sky, dampening our hearts

"心裡的雨傾盆而下 卻始終淋不到他"

Supposed out of all people who know me or have me as a friend, they have never been to anyone's family funeral more than once..not especially for a friend who has lived only 22 years of his life and his family members was brutally reduced by half.


I'm afraid there is and that person is none other than me. 3 years ago, my beloved Mummy passed away. My dear younger brother, Jimson left to be with my Mummy about 58 days ago.
"朦朧的時間 我們溜了多遠"

"再給我兩分鐘 讓我把記憶結成冰"
That was some night in March, around 1-2+am. I was working late at home because it was a peak-period for work, as well as school's projects. Hearing noises from my younger brother, I thought to myself: "Why is he still awake and bothering my granny at such late hours". Went over and found him complaining to my granny about his left arm. Initially, I thought he was being hussy, so I positioned him properly on his bed as he was completely dependent on us. Realised his facial complexion was weird looking, I turned on the lights.. to my horror, I witnessed his lips were turning dark-purple, Jimson looked awfully pale and he kept pointing to his arm, implying it was cramped and what I felt turned cold. Something was very wrong.

I tried rubbing his hands to keep them warm, my cousin woke up, together with my uncle, we kept calling him as he gradually turned unconscious or in a state of shock. I figured he looked liked he was choked. Uncle used a spoon and finger to test for an foreign object in Jimson's throat. I practised what I was taught during SISPEC, hugging him from behind and giving pressure to his chest, in painful hopes of getting his phragms out.

My cousin, in a state of confusion, took awhile before calling for an ambulance. Approximately 5 minutes, it occurred to me Jimson had left us. There was no heartbeat nor breathing and his body turned soft with its warm dissipating. I yearn in desperation, lost and panicked..

... Rushed down to the void deck, trembling.... all my worried thoughts giving way to helpless hopes for the arrival of the ambulance.. saw my aunt getting off the cab and rushing upstairs..
complete lost..

Finally, the ambulance came, with a trembling tone, I kept repeating to the medic the patient is upstairs, attempted to keep calm to "load" the medic with all the necessary information about my brother. In my heart, I was already pleading helplessly for these patient medics to rush.

The next 10 minutes, I was already in the ambulance, looking at the medics in the back carriage. During that moment, anger raged in my head as intuition hint to me of the lack of the medics' effort to revive my lifeless brother. "Just couldn't the ambulance go any faster" And charging through all those red traffic lights when my brother's life is at stake here!"

Upon arrival at Tan Tock Sheng A&E, I tried my best to play whatever minor role in helping the medics lift the trolley-bed off the ambulance and transferring him to another bed. Shortly later, my uncle and aunt arrived.. followed by my daddy a couple of minutes later.

As we waited during that one-hour, I was praying, pleading all the gods of the universe that I was willing to give up anything else in exchange to save Jimson from this ordeal, until I begin weeping. The female medic went in and came out to comfort me with a news that the surgeons have managed to revive Jimson's heartbeat. Suddenly, there was hope to ascertain Jimson was saved.

Unfortunately, a later update rendered all hopes perished. The surgeon came out a hour later, telling us that Jimson was brain-dead due to the prolong lack of oxygen. Even when the heart is alive, he is unable to breathe on his own. We were then asked to consider the choice of letting Jimson go or maintain him on a life-support machine. Chances of any improvement to his conditions was "very very very very slim" as mentioned by the surgeon.

My daddy considered letting him go, having listened to countless advices from the surgeons on how it is meaningless, torturing to Jimson and financially burdened it would be for us should we keep Jimson on the machine. My aunt was sobbing devastatingly, objecting to the choice for euthanasia. In my mind, I was overwhelmed with grieve, consider none of the choices but challenging the reality that Jimson was gone forever.

"想哭 来试探自己麻痹了没 全世界 好象只有我疲惫"
I knew I had to remain my composure so that others don't have to worry about me. I understand creating a scene like those in drama series, would only make things worst. When my daddy asked me for my opinion as if i was the head of the family, I suggested the next best opportunity.. which was to retain Jimson for as long as possible, reluctant to shut any occurance of possible miracle.

There were lots of negotiation which follows between my daddy and the surgeons. It was really more than meets the eye. In the end, Jimson was to be sent to an ICU ward where they would test his survival with medication, glucose and vitamins to prolong his chances of maintaining his failing heart-pulse, even on the life-support machine.

"我面无表情看孤独的风景"
Everybody must have thought I must have lost my mind, I went to my client's place as confirmed with my client. Despite my manager's instruction for me to be absent, I changed
after an hour of sleep and proceed per my agenda before rushing down to the hospital.

It was around 10 minutes to 12 when Jimson finally succumbed to the angel of death, of course, as much as I hate this event, I couldn't help but cried all my grief out as the rest of my family broke down beside my deeply-missed brother's deathbed.

The funeral exhausted us out, all the way until the cremation which was heartbreaking and Heaven was weeping together in the form of rain.

"只剩挥散不去的难过"
I couldn't forget my experience of having seen my younger brother passing away in my arms. Couldn't help thinking whether my family members are paying for my bad karma.

" 就是那麼簡單幾句我辦不到"
Most crucially, couldn't BEAR the departure of my younger brother because I truly love them, all blames to my quiet nature. I just don't say it out, I had to remain okay-looking. But what is it worth when I'm always a failure at expressing my feelings to others.

"People only realise and treasure things which no longer remain with them". This is very true. This philosophy was left deep scars on my heart on occasions of my mum's departure and lost love.

"徒留我孤單　在湖面　成雙"
God has his plans for everything that happens in my life.. I truly wish to understand why have God planned my life in such a way.. I truly do... It is just too difficult for me to live my young days without my mummy and brother.. a complete family... Gosh.. I feel so.. deprived of warmth. ;'(



- Chinese lyrics in courtesy of Jay-chou.net