De one with What Others Have That I Don't

Storm-set weather

Yesterday on my way back home, my mind slipped into a daze and gave a thought to the things which people have which I don't. Well, life's tough for some people like me, you know. And it can't get any worse. Let's just say, sometimes we need a breather or relieve. My heart's full of troubles, it just keeps wanting to be emptied from time to time.

It all started with Clara's birthday. Not just my close friend's. It's everybody. People have their friends celebrating for them Creating surprise birthday parties. There are others who even get lots of birthday presents from their friends. Ask Alvin and "brother", their CK underwears were from birthdays. Chin Yu and Clara have their friends thrown a surprised birthday parties. So on and so forth.

Come to think about it.. well, Envy's the culprit of the day.

I remembered I was heartbroken in June. And for my birthday, I bought a bottle of Shiraz during my Melbourne visit to the vineyard. Thought of celebrating with my gang of friends. However, ya... the bottle of wine's still keep under my bed, collecting dust.

Second, it's mummy bah.. Though I didn't really cry. Despite I smile and let musculinity put a mask on my face everytime I mention about my mummy's past away... or how sensitive I feel deep inside my heart everytime my friends exclaimed about how good their mother is... or witnessing the mother-love displayed from a stranger and her child in the public. The rain in my heart starts to pour. Over and over again like an unstoppable monsoon.

Sometimes I can't help blaming mummy. Why she had to leave and live only in my heart. Most of the time I just hate myself for not behaving and loving her when she's alive. Often, I just smile and pretend nothing's happening. Even when my exes mentioned like a joke or use it to break me down during our breakups.

The last thing what others have that I don't is Life. It comprises of love, intelligence, looks and happiness. I'm so average. At times I can't help worrying I'm barely average or lower than that. It's because of this phobia that I strive so hard in everything I do or commit in. To get acknowledgement of my existence and prov that I have a meaning in life. I'm not indispensable to anybody. Nobody even ask me out for dinner without me asking or hinting for it.

Every pro has a con. Birthday parties gotta do with my PR. Presents hard because most of the things I buy it myself. And I must be thankful I'm still getting some this year.

But how many people actually know how I feel inside? Who to blame? me.
*shake head*

Secondly, nobody is to blame for my mummy's incident. Life's about coming and leaving. I don't have maternal love. But I still have some love from the rest of my family and friends. Well, yet sometimes I wonder, when I really need one, who do I confide it?

Lastly, "each man for his own". You've gotta define yourself a meaning in life. Love is through bonding relationship and social skills; Intelluctual comes from wisdom through continuous dilligent knowledge; Looks comes from hardwork and labour to compensate for nature; and last but not least, happiness is only a state of mind. It's about how I perceive happiness to be and where to derive it from.

Jason, are you strong enough? Do you possess the challenging ability from being a Leo?
There are times I can't. Being totally honest, I can't. When I break down and collapse, who will really embrace me instead of lending a listening ear, console, comforting advices.. I doubt even any angels can.

You always tell me, Mummy: "do things within your means"
It's been 14 years when I first heard and believe it into my life philosophy. Yet, what comes presently before me, after all I've tried and experience?