Unpredictable weather
It's been 15 days since the breakup. It took my alot of courage to blog this entry...
I wouldn't deny that this 15 days have been as disastrous as Hell. It was filled with torture, heartpain, suffering, ultimate misery, loneliness and crying... In the milst of all this intense emotional moment, another side of Jason came to exist. It's schizophrenia. I supposed so.
Like the Phoenix in X-men, I developed another side of me. Someone born of split personality.
Jason was not the sweet, innocent, gullible kind soul..but someone beyond imagined, limitedlessly strong... someone filled with rage, dominance and emotionless.
I, or it's the "J"ason..said and did stupid things which were not supposed to be. He end up causing damage to thyself and people who loved me so much. I want to scream out loud that I was not to be blame. However, it was all in that instance when I lost my senses and rationality, "J"ason took over.
Why!?! Why does it have to be me? I cry every time.. The miserable song keeps playing in my head. That guilt is awfully causing me to be unable to sleep, study and live. I really feel it was the end of the world. Everything I see, hear, smell or touch, I just can't be reminded of the pain inflicted on me by the person whom I thought I could open and share my entire life with.
I was wrong.. dissappointed? angry? cheated? I really don't know what to feel. You know what breaks and crumple a person? It is learning the secrets which the person whom you trusted and cared entirely, more than anyone else in your entire life. The feeling when you see how dark you've been lured into.
As much as "J"ason's actions or my defensive measure are unjustified (after learning the consequences).. I beg not to be condemned or entirely convicted of my wrong doings. I'd always believe in Newton's 3rd Law of Matters : "Every process has an equal and opposite reaction force". Everything occur due to a reason. This was imprinted into my memory by -A-.
I've ever considered and even exacuted ending my life... Yes, alot of people will comment it's really foolish and dumb. However, I'm that innocent. I thought it was the only way to erase my entire life..this life borned wrong in the first place. I really want to start a new life afresh. However, I want to specify, I didn't commit this way to use it as a threat to make the person responsible for this to come back to me.
I've really learnt.. somethings in life ain't meant to be yours, no matter how you try, it will never will itself to you. In being persistent, you may be widening the distance instead of bridging the gap in between.
Then again.. somethings in life which we want to achieve and really give our heart and soul for it, there are still alot..or a bunchful which are just taking adventage of you...
All in all, there were no excuses or invention of "J"ason. The phoenix in me was truly awakened. It's the same person whom everybody has. He's the one who make you feel comforted after your prayer. He's the one who endure you through your challenges. For me...thyself...so frightened and fearful of him.
