De one with "It's Good Afterall"

Beautiful Saturday

Late waking up... the breezy bright Saturday morning.. "Meet the Robinson's" over warm nasi lemak..that's a really well deserved morning after all the past few days of tremendous "tight" schedule. Hmmm..let's see..

Work. I embarked on a mad rush in order to complete the list of audit assignments which my manager wanted me to "clear" before going for 18 days of study break before.... the major examinations.

Last week, I undertook an external audit. Meaning I was required to go down to the client's office to perform the audit. There was really different from doing work in your own office. Firstly due to the strict security at Changi Airfreight Centre, I was expected all alone there as the client could only apply ONE visitors pass . No choice, anything gotta call back office.

Secondly, I had to join in the undesirable heavy traffic on my journey from AMK to Loyang. Sigh... sometimes, I found myself having to entertain the taxi drivers lah! At the expense of my tire-ness. Perhaps the guys would remember the "fastcraft" ferry to Tekong. Ahhah, furhter up would bring one to the Cargo Complex area. Omg. That's how far the journey is!!

Lastly, another pain was having to undergo a repetitive routine of filling a form, queuing and changing of visitors pass at the Pass Office before entitling myself freedom of movement within the dull industrial area. It feels like another army camp. Jeez..

However, thank god simply because the staff at my client's place, particularly the accountant, was a dear helpful person. Hmm.. here's where I put my unusual sociable skills to use. And thankful that the accounts were "clear" which facilitated my course of work.

Colleagues are all friendly yet I couldn't help feeling I'm so distant from them. Is this alienation?
I love my work, I'm excited by the things I'm learning and practising. However, it's just off-set by my inability to gel with my colleauges. Sometimes I wonder, am I really an average human.

Education. The period in which the external audit occurred collided with the rush period when my projects are due. Oki.. partly it's ours to blame for this rush-last minute because we've not been consistent. We had to attend lectures until 10pm. After which stay in school till the closing of campus chased us out at 11pm. There was once we had to stay at King Albert's Park's Mac to complete the final touch on our CMA report.

Guess what's bad? There are roughly four projects which we need to submit. All within the same period. It just keeps coming one after the completion of another. Omg! The lastest? I stayed up overnight until 4+am, slept for 2 hours before waking up for next days' of work.

Speaking of which, exam's closing near. And I've not been studying. Really drenched with profuse cold perspiration whenever I imagine how much chapters have I been lagging behind. Haiz..

Mid tests were okay. Thankfully, I managed to attain credit for my law module which I'd only expected a pass.

The hardship of work and studies really kicked in now.. not even to mention the complementary tire-ness which creeps upon unknowingly. And I just have to continue this "sad" life everyday.

Experts say tireness often leads to depression. Well, I do. Especially when I'm that kinda person who's born with limited social skills. This in turn, obstructs my vitamin S. What's vitamin S? Social boost lor.. no man's an island.. I'm too.. no matter how much I endure or bottle up with loneliness most of the time. There's always a limit to withstanding loneliness.

Being in a relationship ain't going to help. I've learned not to rely too much on my loved ones. Haiz. It's just unfair... It might be worrying to them you know. Like how.. or perhaps.. I never talked..

Sigh.. it's a real dilemma. Speaking out too much is hurtful, speaking too little or not at all, worries others too. Often, I face the cross-roads and feel frustrated, miserable and confused.

I was a really strong enduring boy during secondary and jc. Even during army. But I felt lonely. Now, I've learn to speak out. However, I find myself losing the endurance I used to possess, felt myself succumbing to get someone to talk to. And sometimes, fate's just against me, not everybody's free. And it's unfair for them having to entertain my weakness too.

So what did I do? I just sit alone, listen to music or not listening anything at all.. and just quietly address the issue in my mind: What's really going on with my life?

I cry bitterly in my heart. No tears.. just an excruciating, sorrowful, silent heartache whenever I can't seemed to remedy or resolve these complicated internal-conflicts. And also... I didn't have a Mummy to run to.. that's when the tears would fill to the brim of my eyes.

Now and then, I've been missing her. When I bath in the morning or sitting alone having lunch at my office's staircase or sitting in the bus on my journey home, I'll think how proud she would have been if she was alive to see what I've achieve in my initial career. When I was lonely, she'd have been always there to have dinner or even lunch with me.

On Mothers day, I wouldn't feel so deprived, so... unprotected. There was a period, especially I R would love me and try filling up the empty spaces the angel of death had confiscated from me, like R promised.. end up? Angel of death's relative, Cupid, played a prank on me.

Bitter or not, it's really life. The luck and colourful scenes are deteriorating, it all seems so far away from me. I couldn't help but feel uncared for.. I'm really a guy who you can see anything but happy.

Enough said. Beautiful Saturday... grieving blog.. guess it's balanced out afterall.