De one with Turning Workpoint

Blank skies

Today is which I believe to be an ultimately down day. On my way to work, my mind reminded me the days I used to bring my younger brother to school at Balestier. The eyes beginning filling with moist until it threatened to come flowing down my cheeks.

Work was the main culprit. Seriously, I'm really realising how bad I am at work. Perhaps my manager, Rebecca is losing faith or trust in me as a staff, due to my recent incompetence. Recently, I find myself having to deal with simple but "troublesome" jobs. Not forgetting, she hardly talk to me. Maybe this is what happens to a person who mentions he felt like resigning. Why? Because the travelling is demoralising? Or am I being prejudiced for poor performance, making careless mistakes or asking too much questions which portray me to be useless, reliant person?

I kept thinking of a reason to understand why I've became so down, feeling so lousy myself when I thought I have been performing and the future was glittering with promising opportunities. Now, all feels like everything have shut themselves or turn their backs against me. Terrible terrible brutality of sadness.

And I wondered very much, why such depression falls upon me. Why eh, I've become such extreme pessimist. Is there nothing I can do to turn the events for the better? I did.. I do take a breath and console myself that its for a moment. Things would get better. Well uh.. the effort only prove to last as long as the memory of a goldfish (which Clara told me ..3 seconds?)

I know frowning doesn't help. However, I love to achieve. So much, I doubt whether whatever I'm doing is really what I cut out to be or least, capable of?

De one with Vesak Day

Sunny

How was your long weekend? Mine was reasonably well-spent. Well... at least better than sleeping it the day away! *smile*

Not really much doings within these few days. Nevertheless, shall reveal abit of what I've been engaging in. Like on Friday night, I met Mohan at Orchard to purchase his white shirt since he's in need for his attachment at High Court. Cool! Today, met Clara for shopping.

Shopping. Yes! That was one of the major agendas for this long weekend. Of all, I'm quite please, managed to make all the necessary purchases. Like new colognes, white belts, cufflings (a small pair of adorable aeroplanes). Eating was as usual yet delightful. What's more wonderful to have meals with dear friends, agreeable?

All the spendings, I must emphasize..not much. I'm just glad I've saved some money. All thanks to Mohan and ultimately, Clara ("clara-dalelala-chili-crab") because they have put in alot of effort in dissuading me from making the purchase. What purchase you must be asking. It's this "macho" black Longsdale shoulder bag. Erm.. didn't check out the price though..but well.. I'm just happy I didn't waste the penny for buying something which I wanted, not in need.

What's the next best thing I've done? It's SUN-TANNING! Clara asked me out on Saturday for swim at Bishan. Finally, revived the sun-kissed (not very "chao da" meaning burnt in Hokkien) but it's fine! Not forgetting the great workout.. being an approximately 8km run, starting from Bishan Park, up Thompson road and one round around Macritche Park. Apollo, the god of sun, had been generous with his provision of valiant sun!

Another part which I was anticipating was meeting Honey. Well.. supposed to meet again on Saturday afternoon but hell.. all thanks to miscommunication breakdown, we ended up quarreling, even before we met. Faint~

Overall, it was a fantastic weekend spent. When we're in well, let's not also forget about the tragic news which teared our hearts for the people devastatingly affected by the earthquake in China. I hereby express my deepest condolences and shall the calamity be speedily over and life surfaced again to aid these people to move on.

De one with Screwed Up

Scorning sun

I simply just don't understand why I've became so angry! so utterly unhappy!! And end up with a heart filled with everlasting regret and self-hatre!!

I start to feel there's nothing in this world around me that's genuine... I just can't seemed to fit even a single bit... Begin to stray from my friends, ultimately uncertain of who I am..

Maybe th symptoms of insanity is approaching.. perhaps, depression..

Where art thou angel, please bring me to the path of the light.
To the garden of life, where no children will cry forevermore

De one with Not Forgetting

Warm day

Today is my first battle for the 4th semester, being Corporate Accounting. Although it was not a tough paper, I thought it to be a very tricky one nonetheless. What was I thinking, totally overlooked the part on a crucial entry to reverse the investment in subsidiary for consolidation question. Faint~ There was a few parts of the examinations questions which got me overly confused and doubtful on what I've prepared during my studies, the whole exam felt like a dream. Simply because I was doing it with low confidence. Sigh. When I came out of the exam hall, my mind was sub-consciously worried.

The entire morning I was groggy. Mainly due to the inability to slip into slumber. In fact, some thoughts surfaced mentally, which affected me as if the gates of a dam was lifted to release the flood. Flood of tears. Tears of hidden emotions. Deeply missing my departed loved ones...

Story books, documentaries on mankind and drama series imparted knowledge that human beings are astonishing wonderful species. Due to their advanced level of intelligence, it has possible their capability to develop emotions. Evolution enables mankind, being us to deal with these emotions. Particularly... grief.

Different people have different ways of handling grief. Such actually revolved around my family.

Daddy visits Mummy and Jimson's grave at Mandai Crementorium in order to spend more time with them. He refuse to throw any of their belongings and even keeps Mummy's handphone line unutilised, all for memorial purposes. For ah-ma would prepare 3 meals everyday and ask me brother to come back to eat, exactly the way it was done when he was alive. My uncle would get himself drunk, especially during the period after Mummy passed away. He stopped drinking red wine so often after Jimson (who used to loved drinking red wine almost every week) left. My cousin, Jasmine have typed in her MSN personal message: "It is really different without you".

For me, I prefer to store everything in my tiny heart. I blog my misery. Strive to continue life per normal. Inflict alot of pressure on myself with work, school, entertain my friends, shop extravagantly, bricker with Honey, ate alot of chocolates, run frequently. Honestly, I did all these not in attempt to bury my sorrows. Do let me continue...

I always believe there is a time for everything. Tough times wouldn't last forever. Things which needs to be done shall be done. These are some philosophies which I've realised, well, not too late, but they have helped me understand and be optimistic about life somehow or rather.

Sadly, regardless of how bright I feel about life/try to be, I could never deny myself being an overly emo guy. When I'm alone/taking my lunchbreak at the stairs/just before I sleep, it didn't matter how battered I'm from overwhelming merciless-pressure, my tiny heart will overfill and I'll just break down. More than ever, painfully.

As much as I know big boys shouldn't cry, I just couldn't help. Suddenly yesterday, in the abyss of worries for the approaching exams, somehow I was reminded how much I missed Mummy and Jimson. The moment I looked at their photos in my handphone, bursting to tears proceeded with my inner self questioning repeatedly: "Where are you guys now? Why did you have to leave me so early?"

At the same time, yearning very much to be in the past. I remembered the time when I spent overnight at the hospital when Jimson was having his operation for the back of his neck. Mummy and Daddy came, they would visit him everyday. I recalled the times we spent our lazy Saturdays at home when Mummy would be so frustrated over feeding Jimson, who always give her a hard time.

I swear I would have given up my life... shorten my lifespan... anything just to turn back time. I needed a miracle very much. Gosh.. maybe this is a very selfish?

It is very difficult to forget.. perhaps which explains why we rather stick to not forgetting, resulting in us executing irrational actions and spur of emotions.

"Our memories keeps them alive. Our hearts retains our perpetual ties with them. Our lacrimation reminds us of how most indispensable they are. Concurrently, calls of our silent echos of their return"

De one with My Brother

Tears from the sky, dampening our hearts

"心裡的雨傾盆而下 卻始終淋不到他"

Supposed out of all people who know me or have me as a friend, they have never been to anyone's family funeral more than once..not especially for a friend who has lived only 22 years of his life and his family members was brutally reduced by half.


I'm afraid there is and that person is none other than me. 3 years ago, my beloved Mummy passed away. My dear younger brother, Jimson left to be with my Mummy about 58 days ago.
"朦朧的時間 我們溜了多遠"

"再給我兩分鐘 讓我把記憶結成冰"
That was some night in March, around 1-2+am. I was working late at home because it was a peak-period for work, as well as school's projects. Hearing noises from my younger brother, I thought to myself: "Why is he still awake and bothering my granny at such late hours". Went over and found him complaining to my granny about his left arm. Initially, I thought he was being hussy, so I positioned him properly on his bed as he was completely dependent on us. Realised his facial complexion was weird looking, I turned on the lights.. to my horror, I witnessed his lips were turning dark-purple, Jimson looked awfully pale and he kept pointing to his arm, implying it was cramped and what I felt turned cold. Something was very wrong.

I tried rubbing his hands to keep them warm, my cousin woke up, together with my uncle, we kept calling him as he gradually turned unconscious or in a state of shock. I figured he looked liked he was choked. Uncle used a spoon and finger to test for an foreign object in Jimson's throat. I practised what I was taught during SISPEC, hugging him from behind and giving pressure to his chest, in painful hopes of getting his phragms out.

My cousin, in a state of confusion, took awhile before calling for an ambulance. Approximately 5 minutes, it occurred to me Jimson had left us. There was no heartbeat nor breathing and his body turned soft with its warm dissipating. I yearn in desperation, lost and panicked..

... Rushed down to the void deck, trembling.... all my worried thoughts giving way to helpless hopes for the arrival of the ambulance.. saw my aunt getting off the cab and rushing upstairs..
complete lost..

Finally, the ambulance came, with a trembling tone, I kept repeating to the medic the patient is upstairs, attempted to keep calm to "load" the medic with all the necessary information about my brother. In my heart, I was already pleading helplessly for these patient medics to rush.

The next 10 minutes, I was already in the ambulance, looking at the medics in the back carriage. During that moment, anger raged in my head as intuition hint to me of the lack of the medics' effort to revive my lifeless brother. "Just couldn't the ambulance go any faster" And charging through all those red traffic lights when my brother's life is at stake here!"

Upon arrival at Tan Tock Sheng A&E, I tried my best to play whatever minor role in helping the medics lift the trolley-bed off the ambulance and transferring him to another bed. Shortly later, my uncle and aunt arrived.. followed by my daddy a couple of minutes later.

As we waited during that one-hour, I was praying, pleading all the gods of the universe that I was willing to give up anything else in exchange to save Jimson from this ordeal, until I begin weeping. The female medic went in and came out to comfort me with a news that the surgeons have managed to revive Jimson's heartbeat. Suddenly, there was hope to ascertain Jimson was saved.

Unfortunately, a later update rendered all hopes perished. The surgeon came out a hour later, telling us that Jimson was brain-dead due to the prolong lack of oxygen. Even when the heart is alive, he is unable to breathe on his own. We were then asked to consider the choice of letting Jimson go or maintain him on a life-support machine. Chances of any improvement to his conditions was "very very very very slim" as mentioned by the surgeon.

My daddy considered letting him go, having listened to countless advices from the surgeons on how it is meaningless, torturing to Jimson and financially burdened it would be for us should we keep Jimson on the machine. My aunt was sobbing devastatingly, objecting to the choice for euthanasia. In my mind, I was overwhelmed with grieve, consider none of the choices but challenging the reality that Jimson was gone forever.

"想哭 来试探自己麻痹了没 全世界 好象只有我疲惫"
I knew I had to remain my composure so that others don't have to worry about me. I understand creating a scene like those in drama series, would only make things worst. When my daddy asked me for my opinion as if i was the head of the family, I suggested the next best opportunity.. which was to retain Jimson for as long as possible, reluctant to shut any occurance of possible miracle.

There were lots of negotiation which follows between my daddy and the surgeons. It was really more than meets the eye. In the end, Jimson was to be sent to an ICU ward where they would test his survival with medication, glucose and vitamins to prolong his chances of maintaining his failing heart-pulse, even on the life-support machine.

"我面无表情看孤独的风景"
Everybody must have thought I must have lost my mind, I went to my client's place as confirmed with my client. Despite my manager's instruction for me to be absent, I changed
after an hour of sleep and proceed per my agenda before rushing down to the hospital.

It was around 10 minutes to 12 when Jimson finally succumbed to the angel of death, of course, as much as I hate this event, I couldn't help but cried all my grief out as the rest of my family broke down beside my deeply-missed brother's deathbed.

The funeral exhausted us out, all the way until the cremation which was heartbreaking and Heaven was weeping together in the form of rain.

"只剩挥散不去的难过"
I couldn't forget my experience of having seen my younger brother passing away in my arms. Couldn't help thinking whether my family members are paying for my bad karma.

" 就是那麼簡單幾句我辦不到"
Most crucially, couldn't BEAR the departure of my younger brother because I truly love them, all blames to my quiet nature. I just don't say it out, I had to remain okay-looking. But what is it worth when I'm always a failure at expressing my feelings to others.

"People only realise and treasure things which no longer remain with them". This is very true. This philosophy was left deep scars on my heart on occasions of my mum's departure and lost love.

"徒留我孤單　在湖面　成雙"
God has his plans for everything that happens in my life.. I truly wish to understand why have God planned my life in such a way.. I truly do... It is just too difficult for me to live my young days without my mummy and brother.. a complete family... Gosh.. I feel so.. deprived of warmth. ;'(



- Chinese lyrics in courtesy of Jay-chou.net