De one with Fallible J

Blindness blank

Seemed to have lost all work capability. It is apparent my meticulous and careful nature had desolated me. Someone criticized I was shrugging my responsibility, with bleak cold-bloodiness. I know, it's all evident in the work I produce. All because of utter annoyance. I just couldn't help myself amplifying the effects of such criticism.

Perhaps I was overwhelmed with so much to clear. And I only had one day. It was unfair. I wanted very much to console myself that my work was tendered punctual. Unfortunately it was delayed, neglected in favour of the others. These were simply out of my control.

I hate myself.. for being too tolerate and soft-spoken. Ya, go ahead and call me a wimp/total pushover. Moreover, I am unqualified. What a loser I've been all these while.

Maybe what's said from the beginning of my career was right. I shouldn't waste both my time and that of others. It spiraled in my mind as though eventing a ritual procession psychotically. Resembling voices around flame-engulfed campfire, raging a chaotic frenzy, threatening my sanity.

Guys don't cry. But I'm different. It didn't take very long on my way across the overhead bridge before I touched my eyes and felt the moist smeared on my fingers.

De one with When?

Quand? Quando? いつ? 何时? 빨리? cuándo?

When will it happen to me? How many times must I face these difficult period of waiting for it...

The signs are growing, thy patience is wearing, the click is ticking...

A frantic person, all battled and scarred, rushed and collapsed on the blinding, bitter-cold snow patch. Tears streaming down as he looked up into the light, his trembling hands clutched tightly to his bare chest.

No whimpering sounds. Only silence and the exceptional doves flopping away. Some of these creatures pecked to taste the saltwater and took flight. Others flew away with its companion. The remaining looked from shadowed spots, frightened, else ignorant of a familiar melody.

The poor, miserable questioning heartbeat which screamed for something which never reached the attention of the passerby. Fear had consumed his courage to expose the song of yearning. As he reached, a brave, enviable gesture thus far...

There were still no response.. as the orphan's breathe painting depletion, together with his scent of forbidden longing.

De one with Sins

*WARNING*

The following may contain materials which may cause indifference of opinion and/or discomfort to some groups of people. Please note that any references, descriptions, mere opinions or comments have been mentioned solely for leisure reading and were without the intent to mean any offense or fraudulent representation or misleading purpose. Readers who are/or may be affected by religious matters are strongly advised not to proceed read anything after this warning message. In any circumstances, the blogger and/or the blog-administrating corporation are/is not liable for any effects or equivalent derived from abuse/mis-comprehension of contents of this blog entry.

Judgment day

I have always keep my lips together and smile as far as religious conviction and associated matters are of concern. Reason for such reaction is not that I'm an atheist, it's partly due to my insufficient convictions or proactive knowledge of religion to argue my beliefs. Most importantly, I love to maintain my adventure of experiencing the diversity offered by different cultures and traditions.

Just today, some Christians from "some church" were going door-to-door, distributing pampers. Without me stating the obvious, it's certainly another way of "spreading beliefs". Anyway, I noticed it's a hot story going around town. Don't know if you have heard it or perhaps in my case, my boss actually shown us in video. It's about making the people realise that they have sinned. And God hath sent Jesus to purge or atone our sins.

If I didn't interpret wrongly, the important thing here is to encourage us to realise the sacrifices Jesus has done, and the best way to acknowledge this is to accept God into our hearts. I deciphered much was achieved through creating self-awareness of the unethical and/or immoral behavior and even thoughts (!) within us. And reminding us that such "sins" might subject us to a judgment day. I even read from the pamplet, words in an illustrating diagram of "sins" which includes "envy", "proud"... it occurred to me, are these abit too extreme?

Not scrutinishing words in a diagram or being ignorant, personally I feel thoughts are okay unless you act in a way which harms/affect the other party. Isn't it a privilege to have privacy in our minds, without being worried that what we spoke in our minds might condemn us? Of course, it might be argued that it's thumbs-up for the purest of mind. However, its that practical?

And definitely, it's perfectly fine to be proud of our achievements. Just be careful not to go overboard to cause annoyance to others. In addition, enviousness reminds and focus us to what we do not have/lack, such that we will seek to improve. Isn't that the effect caused by the recent advertisement on foreign-students being able to speak Mandarin?

Next ambiguous issue is whether there are other alternatives to acknowledge the greatness of God? I recalled watching the Ten Commandments when I was in Primary 4 and there was the scene when Moses came back with the craved stones and the Gods punished those who worshipped the Golden Ox of their own. And kinda derived a certainty to the opening question - as long as we live and let live, I think it's another legitimate acknowledgment via respect for his creations, don't you agree?

Maybe the Christians might have found now to be the most appropriate time to spread the gospel word ba.. considering people are discouraged by the prevailing economic ordeal, it might very well give them time to reflect on their life decisions. In the midst, the opinion of believing in the wonders of the Lord to calm tension don't seemed unappealing.

Lastly, is there really a judgment day when we will have to answer for our accumulative sins? Before this, how shall we address the equitable definition of "sins"? Ok, the creator have the right to judge us. He's omnipresent, that accounts that he has the ability to spare time for everybody for each judgment. But is it certain that the after-life is only hell and heaven, and that it is inevitable for a judgment day to decide where the departed belong to?

I will never forget the discussions I have with certain believers who knock on our door. (Well, mainly because I got to learnt of Jehovah.. God is just his "celebrity" nick?). There were two who shared with me this ending phrase in the Bible which mentioned that the end product of the world is a guranteed paradise for all. If so, will we still expect the pressence of hell? Did the fallen angel turn over a new leaf? If all these will occurr, does that render all existing judgment day analogy meaningless?

Surely, there are alot to be discovered, if not, better left with open options...

De one with Impact of The Tongues

Honest morning

It doesn't seemed appropriate but I left to meet Loo Wan and Clara for dinner without finishing my revision for Accounting Theory. It was the guy's last day of exam. Argh, as much as I'm happy for his finished ordeal, I couldn't help pitying the approaching exams. Well, I believe everybody has his own share of burden (his agony started earlier).

We had our fill at Sakae. Little did I know my membership card had accumulated over $26+ to be redeemed, saving us from footing a quarter of our initial $74+ bill. Wuao! Disappointing thing was I wanted to ignore my dinner-mates' reimbursement, Clara insisted on-dutch.

Not only that, my pre-empt plan of not staying over wee hours seemed to be gone with the wind when the three of us "parked our butts" in the comfortable sofa seats at Starbucks. Loo had his latte, Clara: Over-the-top-sweet mango ice blended and ice passion tea for myself. Of course, coffee chats couldn't dispense getting good-old-cheese cakes. In case you were wondering why there's no pictures. I couldn't be bothered to take any. Haha. Gimme a break from my exams prep!

Good and bad thing Loo got his attachment abroad. Good was he got the chance to do overseas intern - something he was really looking forward to. Bad was the collapse of our overseas trip in August - an ardent activity when we first projected in our last dinner.

We conversed about friends too. Ok, there was abit of harmless bitching but important thing I got out of the conversation was what we say does influence other's perception/opinion about another third party. So much for the power of tongues whacking. Omg. Like I told Loo, why should we involve ourselves into the affairs of others which obviously doesn't have any relationship to our friendship, and let any emotions/understanding aroused from this involvement cloud our perception of that particular friend of ours.

Perhaps one of the reason might be human nature. We are inquisitive creatures, always interested other people's lives' events and derive an impression on others. This impression is not permanent (although some might be) depending not only on our direct dealing but also what we hear of/read/gossip about that person and his/her relationship with others. Weird huh.. which is why paparazzi and those "ba gua" ("gossip"/entertainment in mandarin) magazines reporters have their ricebowls.

Hmm.. do we lack objectivity or what most of us did (as mentioned earlier) is being objective. Personally, I rather believe in my relationship with that person. Whatever people tells me about that person, considerations comes with benefit of doubt granted until proven. It's just injustifiable until personal encounters occur.

Too good, so true.. impact of the tongues is a still an existing lethal propaganda which greatly influence human perceptions.

De one with Truly Want

Dearest all

I don't have to be religious to be able to what I am going to say. Promise there isn't any snobbishness what I represent this. I recall it's every teacher's question to ask his/her pupils, at one moment of their teaching stint - "What I want to be?"

Back then, the first thing we could related to - ambition. Primarily the only thing we could comprehend due to our limited knowledge of life. Or perhaps, susceptible to the materialistic influence of adults. Finally, I have an answer to this question:

I want to be.. a person who gives all the love to every person I know;
I would have provided all the company and encouragement to my friends;
Reserved all the kindness my thoughts could offer and extend to the strangers around;
And undoubtedly, my money to my family.

I want to be.. a person with a heart that's emptied to give
Until there's only a single drop of blood concentrated with the purest of love
And stake my spirit to guard in peace,
For that special someone who meant so much to me.

I want to be.. a person to all but ask for nothing in return
Except to have the stars remember thy name,
For a zillion but one cause,
That is for my mother and brother
Forever proud of having me
As a son and as a brother.

De one with Tough Week

Building stressful momentum

It is a tough week. Most of the time, feeling nothing except adrenaline of wanting to complete the ever-piling work load. Not really bugged by helping others out. I mean I love to help. Of course, there's nothing without a price, I had to face more stress. Perhaps that's what the hero in us does - doing the extraordinary seeming impossible for the ordinary. Lame sh*t.

Behind that calm face, I actually felt the tremendous opposite. Not largely because of sharing the burden belonging to others but the crushed, oppressive time-factor. I feel suffocated man. There were moments the tears brimmed to the escape at the ends of my eye. I never tell anyone, just wearing a smile with my teeth cinched, in order to conceal and contain the uncomfortably miserable moods inside.

No use whining, only dealing. Tough week ahead, ain't no stopping.

Thanks to my dear friends who have detected my embarrassing chaotic self and encouraged me through this ordeal. Your goodwill forever marked on the surface of my heart.