De one with Re-entree

Not quite done confessing yet

I seriously don't understand what's the big fu*king problem with being yourself. I shop, get whatever I want, live a fortunate life. Who are people to judge us?

Stop being like someone you know about everyone. Sometimes, a fool is not fooler than the one who judges the fool.

Quit evaluating, start doing. Don't regret and *snap* you're in control. Of no one but yourself.

De one with Life Crisis

Confessions

Ave Maria, it'd better not be what I think it is.. wish I won't have to admit it but hurtfully, I think "quarter-life" crisis slammed.

Wait, didn't they say menopause wouldn't hit males until late 50s or something? Or worst, could this be a yucky second episode, repeat telecast of puberty?


It's just similar to how science can't explain the supernatural, feels sh*tty everything. I can feel all sunshiny, lit myself in flames and next moment, the rain's just persistent to extinguish the rays I emit.


And the sad part, I know very well "the toughed keeps the tough going". Smile graciously and optimism might just work like how a little pinch would save you from a serial nightmare. Gave it alot of shots, it all seems futile.


Calm down and think? Relax? It's taken a toll on me. It's like a body or mind that's not mine.  :(

De one with Over and Over Again

Would you?

What kind of weird habits or personal stuff would you occupy yourself with when you are feeling sad?

*Raising thy hand* I used to hide under the pillow casing and talk to my imaginary friends when I was below ten years of age. It seemed these imaginary friends left my mind as though through an exit door when age catches up and rationalism claimed its victory over the compartments in my brain. The victorious moment took place when I turned 13.

At 13, my loneliness ventured me into a delight of hiding in the school's library and drown myself in calmness. The tranquility enhanced with air-conditioning, muffled rowdiness behind cold tempered glass doors. It was an image of "heaven" back then.

That's passed. About now, I'd put on my running sneakers and go for an evening jog, perspire it out. I guess people curse and swear. I run and sweat it off. Clears my head and shake those downers out. This would be healthier and damn, not only do you feel better, you look better. What can I say, the sense of achievement further compliment the initial thought of dispelling my negativity.

Urban legend or clinche yet true. I drink. Not to the critical stage of turning myself into an alcoholic of course. Well, one can't deny the fact that having to be concerned with a spinning headache or overnight hangover  does help keep your mind off and somewhat even make you forget part of misery. Perhaps sadness drowned itself when we become sober enough to realise how silly I was being overly-concerned and unhappy. hmm.. Perhaps the alcohol lowered our guards like an opening floodgate, thereby enabling the easiness to speak, confess and confide with others. For me, it was a moment of relaxation and letting go. Its as though time has stopped when I could finally hear myself breathe.

Pragmatism warns us time waits for no man or boy. I hate it but that's just inherent in life. Hence, it gave me a reason to board on the bus, plug on my ipod music and weep the long journey back. And I never fail to tell myself, at the destination stop, I must compose myself and chuck every single bit of gloominess at the commuter's seat.

Food is the next thing that comes inevitably. Disappointingly all the gals out there, eating to crunch sorrows never really work. It's the entire opposite of running to chase your melancholy out of your system. It's like stacking more to whatever that's on the "sad quota" when I look myself in the mirror just before or after I showered. Uackk.

But I do have a tiny confession to make, SINS chocolate proofed itself an antidote whenever I broke up. It's something rrrrreeeaaallly abnormal. Stuff I'd never do - Eat sinfully.

Well, if your advice is to eat, why not having yourself a cheesecake. That's my favourite since Initial D depict a scene of a lovesick Jay Chou stuffing himself with cheesecake as he wanted for its creator to return his call. Oh, cheesecake goes hand in hand with caramel frappachino from Starbucks. If in luck and during the rarest occasion, you might just hear me say "the caramel is sweet. the coffee is better. Bittersweet. Which is why I drink it."

It is only recent that I realised the knick for gifts "embezzles" or "liquidates" the "woe account" in my central heart. Satisfaction from the best derives joy from the joy-deprived. Be beware when Jason shops, 1 sales assistance is not enough. You better have what I want, how I want you to ask friendlily, assist earnestly, smile glamorously and (most desirably) walk me to the door chauffeuring my shopping bags.  

Ultimately, nothing beats having a concerned soul call in just to check on me. You can have dispute with your partner, ugly experience with client, quarrels with friends, sucky day with work and all it takes is a phrase from the unexpected to light a spark to eradicate or wipe off those negativity infesting your heart like a droplet of black ink in a fishbowl of water, and bloom delights to keep you smiling when you turn in for the night.

Thank you.

De one with Misses

Muses in my head

As I steal some time to doze and peeked an episode of SNTC, didn't take long before missing thoughts bloomed in my mind.

What a heaven of things I miss. Aww.. the starbucks coffee, sweet and bitterness, a book, drizzle coolness.

Lazy afternoons, drawing, quiet lethargic moments.

Man, I missed so much.

De one with Prada Trauma

Case impossible #1

Crime scene     :  Prada Ion, #02-15, Cashier
Time of crime   :  7 - 8ish pm
Victim              :  Myself
Accomplice     :  Ms J.S Kwek

Witnesses        :  Female assistance, insignificant customers, $250 bear keychain

Headlines: THE IMPOSSIBLE ON MR IMPOSSIBLE


It occurs when you least expected. Correction, the victim in this instance. None of my belongings above $1K were ever paid on behalf by my exes, friends, dates, colleagues, f*** buddies, shopping buddies, Mohan. "Abso-fuc*kin-lutely" certain to my shopping history. Speaking of history, yes, indeed literally, this shopping phenomenon wrote off my past purchase into the history book. I had no choice but to have Ms Kwek paid on my behalf for my purchase.

Of course, I reimbursed her after much-efforted hunt for AXS from Ion down to PS.. in three installment. All thanks to my credit card which refusingly decline the credit which only exceeded by a mere $100, my Mastercard being suspected of fraud transaction, landing itself into "replacement in transit" status and my scatterbrain-iness on paying with NETs. Sigh.

Swore to all, never had I landed myself in such an embarrassing moment. Well, everyone could emphasize and comfort me to "Let it go! You paid eventually! It's good as you bought it" Yet proud to say, I've never let others paid for something I want to buy. But that's peanuts. The root of the problem is, Jason was helplessly in an "out of wits" position, particularly when I was at payment stage.

If there was a hole I could dig out of the Prada store carpet, I would. It completely ruined my subsequent shopping trip. Ask the accomplice, never get anything after trauma at Prada. I even detour to avoid going to my hotspot Tiffany. What an unforgettable drama. Now that I mentioned it, I can feel my goosebumps and hair "mari kita"-ing. OmG.

De one with Wishing for Age

Wish upon a star

Is it a lame or brave thing to be voicing out what you have always hoped for for your birthday?

Well, in office, your colleagues might have joked about it before. Sighing as they leave their remarks like "You know, why not tell us what you want for your birthday to make our present hunting (life) easier?". Greedy people or a less-offensive term would be "honest" people would feel obliged to tell. For all you know, they testify with their "consideration of not having" to waste people's money buying something that is the opposite of what they want. By at large, we choose not neither to sound-off or kiss and tell. While about 3% seriously meant it when they say: "No, I don't really need presents" and a scarce 2% would say "I've everything I need", probably 95% responses to such discretion on what we want on our birthdays might converge into the need for "surprise".

I was thinking since we are in the 21st century, why not be more vocal and spit out this tiny-greed for a perfect birthday gift. Come on, let you have the honor..

Without much thought, a popular guy might just reveal he's happy to have company. Well, this is pretty common during the celebrated 18th and 21st birthdays when peers and family organises big parties with all sorts of funny numberically shaped cakes, the youths will throw in cartons of booze and all night-long of excited screaming, hell lot of laughter and silly pranks.

A girl might be dreaming for a childhood dream come true. Imagine a cartoon stripe with this little girl, clasping both her hands tightly, eyes shut with cloud-bubbles appearing above her head. The stripe zooms into these cloud-bubbles which magically reveal a dreamy scene of either something from Tiffany, a handsome guy proposing, a tiara and god knows what.

A pauper yearning for survival as much as how the girl who sold matchsticks. They yearn for love, warmth, relationship, football, ambition-achievement and most crucially, a way to make quick cash and other means of freeing out of their existing miserable life.

Without the benefit of doubt, out of 10 persons, 8 might wish for tangible things. Which relates similar to what I might have in mind for perfect gift on my forthcoming quarter-century birthday.

No scums, no special someone, no colognes, no man's jewellery, no leather bags, no Ang-baos. I've always wanted a belt from Dolce and Gabbana's until last month when I finally picked up the courage and stride into the store at Taipei 101 alone. What else... (*finger to chin*)

I just really wish a large black sketchbook with photos, crappy writings, drawings of different stuff, things I love, things that people hate, love about me. Honest things about who I am through others' perspective. I don't know... maybe in the style of year book cause I realised I've been doing so much drawings, decorated stuff for others and never been given one before. Haha.

What other things people never really gotten for me? I don't know, a pair of drawn shoes? Shoes? Dolce belt (it's still on the "A" list)? A gorgeous photo of myself nicely framed? Oh well... birthday gifts are a killer to most. Especially for someone who's individualistic and attains everything he needs, wants and wishes for (eventually).

Oops, looks like I might have to change the opening tag. It looks like a galaxy had been wished upon!

De one with Advice

Quote to a new-found friend

Quarrels are like melted glue. When it cools, it patches your relationship back together firmly.

De one with Grea-dual-(fric)tion Trip

Summer, warm and fussy

"For now, these hot days, is the mad blood stirring." - Benvolio, Romeo and Juliet, Act III Scene I

Indeed Taiwan did touch my heart in two ways:

First and foremost, the country touché moi de sense of sight with the magnificent mountain-view at  九份, the "Abraham Lincoln" lookalike Chiang Kai-shek and Sun Yat-Sen colossal statues, a glimpse of the nature-made queens head rock at 野柳;

... Smell of fade smelly dou fu along 西門町, of sulphuric air from hot springs within 北投, of rich-burning joysticks within 龍山寺;

... Hearing the sounds of moving 臺北火車, welcoming greetings at shops in 五分埔; Hokkien-chinese accent of the locals when they reply to our road-direction inquiries;

... Taste of steaming hot chicken cutlet at 師大路夜市, 士林夜市, the juicy 小笼包 from 鼎泰丰 restaurant, monstrously sweet ice dessert, tear-wading spicy steamboat at 飞天麻辣火锅; salt water at the benches of 墾丁;


... Feel the strong winds while crossing to lovers' bridge at 漁人碼頭; what it's like being a child again at the miniature museum and taiwan storyland; the discovery of shops at Taipei 101 and 新光三越.

On the flip side of the Taipi 50 dollar coin, I realised the disintegrating seven year bond between the then and now "Tribal gang". Perhaps before I ratter on, here's an disclaimer footnote: Applicable for those who went on this "graduation trip". 

It turned out gender indifference does create friction amongst a group of friends. Indifference issues in particular relate to the way both genders think or thought. Once, a friend feedback his penny of thought that the softer (not weaker) gender prefers to conceal her thoughts, decisions. Ideally, she prefers to tag along and have the opposite gender to initiate and continuously, as a matter of fact, until he gets it right, ie the way she wants it to be. Interestingly, certain magazine columns and casual emails propagandising the "ugly truth" about the the +O and <-O support likewise coincidentally or equivalent. Amused and true, I observed the likeliest in an unlikeliest place - Taipei.


Of course, to be subjective, gender indifference couldn't be fully taken to blame. Perhaps communication could be another reason. A module I took taught us one of the fundamentals of effective communication includes a clear sender, desirable medium and a receiver who not only able to receive and comprehend the information from the sender but also, ability to feedback to the sender. Like in relationship or business transaction, without offers and replies, nothing ever gets commuted! Now combine gender characteristics and this barrier of unwillingness or what everyone thought was unnecessary to inquire or clarify, the team turned into lost sheeps despite having guidance from a pretty well-drawn up itinerary. Why?! Probably want to associate this with a little peek into psychology (not that I really studied or research) but economist quotes "human tend to conceal their wants until there's a market with suits his wants". No news means good news. No probing, everything's good.


Apart from the above, could it be the fault of our flight delay? Apparently, GK complained to me at the departure waiting hall perhaps it was due to the flight delay at the beginning which inevitably scrapped the first day's plan of activities. That resulted in our loss of direction as to where to go, what activities to execute and when. Force majure, there's a chance weather should be taken to stand. It reshuffled some of the itinerary.

At the end of the day, while Js, C and LW waged their thrashing out just before we board our flight home, I still couldn't figure out which of the above was the grande reason for the flopped trip. Even so, what it really that flopped given we never intended anything or objectives to attain for this trip.


May I present the minutes of "thrashing session":
Venue: Da Shun Hotel, Room 603.
Time: 12+pm, night of the unhappy incident at Ken-ding
Matters discussed:
1) C voiced about us doing things together, walk together and be merry. 
2) Js was dissatisfied we shunned the girls and walked away without telling anyone. Nobody was ever decisive on what to do.
3) LW being economical, didn't understand why we spend and do something majority didn't want to participate.


Regards to (1), I was doubtful and cynical, frankly speaking. They wanted shopping but we do not shop for the same things at the same store. How to do things and walk together. And at certain places when certain people are overwhelmed with the affordable buys, a completely different plan was presented with a tag which says "for practical reasons". *shrugs and shakes my head*


(2), I just don't get it. Sometimes, we tend to become insecure. No news means bad news instead of taking it literally that it means good news. The itinerary was done, we did a meeting to amend and perfect it a few nights earlier and it was specifically mentioned in the email that feedback are welcome (not compulsory). Ends up, we didn't abide by the itinerary. Flexibility was presented as an option to maneuver the unexpected change of events but it seemed unaccepted. Why does collectivism be practiced when it doesn't really work?

(3) economic is logical. But argument sustained. Indeed there's nothing wrong with spending so much traveling to the beach and doing different activities. While LW was fuming over the uncollected group activities, I was rather disappointed with lack of fun, hotties to admire and be admired, ineffective transport and last minute "play out". When you are under the impression of something and it falls short of what you expect or there's something we are unaware or not-informed, we tend to feel betrayed, unprepared. This feeling suck. 


Nonetheless, at the end of it, does the iron-ing out really matter? The left side of my brain exercises its logical thinking which set me thinking "how constructive it is, or what objectives can be achieved from a second thrashing out, so what if we "leave everything in Taipei", does it really mean bygones be bygones when we come back to Singapore and erased anything, everything that ever happened? If so, shouldn't this actualisation actually be effected and us being spared of any debacle thrash-out argument over a night's sleep?


Despite no grudges held, I can't deny the eventful trip made me realise. These realisations shot me and left quite a few bullet-scars in my memory. It made me reassess whether I have any life-long friends. Normally I'd only complain but I lost my temper. It forced me into doing stuff I dislike, for example smoking and to reconsider whether my bestest friend was indeed who I perceived he or she to be. My beliefs about everything, everyone were shook.


I knew everyone would fine it boring to tag along my shopping spree at places where I'd really be joyous and free. LW commented "Nobody is able to shop where you shop at!". So I took where opportunities present itselves to travel alone despite my fear of getting lost because I didn't know how to read the mandarin, it costs heavily to use my GPRS, overseas Wifi and sucks at pronouncing the places where I wanted to be. 


I didn't like crowded places, it's just too depressing and suffocating. Particularly at Wu Fen Pu and night markets where there's nothing I could buy whether it's size availability, quality, style or design. It's like Bugis village here. I'm the mismatch. And I hate it totally when you spot something you could afford but couldn't buy. Didn't confess until now, bear for two days, couldn't take it. That's why I decided, no, I have the right to get something that derives me satisfaction.
 
As much as I swore never to go to Taipei again, what breaks me heart was knowing our friendships weren't placed on solid grounds. Which was probably the root for friction to occur. Countless times I begun to feel even emptier the lack of sense of belonging. The fear of holding on to a rope which is thinning as it threads out the harder you pull or it brittle when it's left untouched. Who is there to believe in, huh..