Sunny, hazy
Today was supposedly the last lecture of ECON1016. However the lecturer couldn't complete his teaching of topic: International Trade. Hence, we have an extra lecture on Wednesday next week.
Went to campus early for studying at the library after a light morning jog. Didn't do much. the whole 3 hours I was cramping my head to read up and pick up the relevant crucials in the Accounting chapter 10: Budgets and CVP. Sigh. Halfway through, all thanks to the finishing of MintueMaid Lemonade, I experience sharp stomach pain. Ouch! Wanted very much to go to the toilet. However I didn't want to pack up my stuff (which were already laid all over the study cubicle I'm in). Furthermore, it was really heavy and troublesome. Eventually, I end up having to endure the pain in the cold room. Sigh. It's a worst feeling.. to be bearing with a bowel urge in an air conditioned room.
I didn't know why but surges of nostalgia of Sweet came forth and back at the back of my mind. Unexplainably. It's affecting me...well.. I keep telling myself I have to let go and move on.
Being the 2nd last Econs lecture, it was still as enjoyable as if it was the first. Today we learned more about Money Market: Expansionary and Contractionary Monetary Policies and a refreshing International Trade. This particular topic made me recall what I've studied before during my JC. It's about Adam Smith and David Ricardo and their theories of absolute and comparative advantage respectively.
There was this "terms of trade" which beared more resemblance to what I've studied. It was the only few areas which I only liked about Macroeconomic. Oops.. Still recall I used to hate Macroeconomics because everything was so complicated and confusing. Little did I ever know I'll be doing this again at uni. Nevertheless, it was refreshing. Thankfully, I had an "absolute advantage" compared to my counterparts who didn't take Econs during JC. *blush*
Ok, didn't mean to be boastful.
Today I met Max. In the right time to show him the available courses which he can take since he was considering of furthering his studies in Business Administration. After which he treated me dinner at J8's Swensons. He had Salmon and Mushroom pasta, while I had my all time favourite Fish and Chips.
Having our stomachs filled, we went to see J8. Unsatisfied as I wanted to buy a black LeviS Tee for this coming Friday the 13th. We travelled down to Orchard.
Do you know the underground pass to Wisma Atrium from the MRT is closed? Sigh.. It really shows how long have I last been to Orchard (well.. ever since the breakup.. only went with Mohan and Chin Yu...hmm.. nevermind). In the end, I spent a total of $200+. Let's practise some accounting here..hehe
Income
-
Net Income -
Expenses
EnerVon-C 100 tables $ 30.00
Vidal Sasoon Color Control Conditional $ 9.80
Levi Strass Black T-shirt $ 39.50
Skinxwear Innova x3 $ 32.70
DKYN Red-Delicious Cologne $102.00
Prepayment (EZ link topup) $ 30.00
Bubble Tea $ 2.50
Net Expenses ($ 246.50)
Sigh.. Max was shocked with my expenditure this evening. Sigh. But it felt good to be shopping again. Haven't been doing it because firstly, I had to be sensitive as Sweet didn't have the purchasing power. Secondly, I was often broke since I have been spending alot on us eating out and movies plus buying things for Sweet.
Well.. well.. Today, my friends continued to encourage and console me.. Especially my friend Andrew. I'm really grateful they are here to protect me as I'm rather gullible and simple-minded. Thank you, my friends.
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
De one with Patience
Mild hazy morning
People kep saying:" You're still young... don't think too/so much. Just wait and the right one will appear or come to you."
Is this really true? How long more must I wait? :'S
People kep saying:" You're still young... don't think too/so much. Just wait and the right one will appear or come to you."
Is this really true? How long more must I wait? :'S
Monday, October 09, 2006
De one with Resilience
Hazy and warm
Don't know why but everytime I blog, I have an urge to start it by counting the number of days since the breakup. Apparantly, thanks to all the concern and encouragement of my existing and new found friends, I managed to supress "J"ason and gained my senses. I don't know..perhaps it's the beginning in another life chapter? Most probably, it is...
I do admit there will be times "J"ason take over the mind. Fabricating and analysing possibilities to achieve the long-forgotten and impossible desires. As much as I want to sip into the unconscious mind again, I pull myself back again and keep persuading myself to be rational, sensible.. and ultimately, to let go...
Met -A- a week after my breakup, we had a heart-to-heart chat after dinner at S-11, AMK central. -A- said I need to control my emotions and advised me (like what everybody has been saying) that you can't put 100% heart and soul into a relationship. That will be total suicide just by jumping into it blindly. It also made me realise things are not as simple and clear as the innocence in me is telling me so. I really hate being so superficial and cautious of people taking advantage of my genuinity and gulliblity.
Furthermore, I also realised, Time really heals some of the wounds and makes me forget about a person I used to love so much, gradually. It's not really about not thinking about my ex but rather, it was the force of letting another person into my life. As I found a new love, it enables me to fill my loneliness and enable me to utilise the passion to this new love.
Today I went jogging in the morning, I realised.. why people cry isn't entirely because the rejected person is at a loss of what to do next. A breakup is heart-breaking because you have not had the chance to recover and retrieve your feelings for a person. Yet you're already "cut off" and forced to be left suspended around the "peak" period when the other party who brought up the break-up have completely finished his/her cycle of loving you.
An example to illustrate this better would be like watching a movie. 3/5 or 3/4 throught the show, the movie got cut off and we're forced to leave.
That's why the feeling of loss comes into the picture because the rejected ones have to recover themselves.. to decrease their feelings (in completion of their cycle of love for that relationship)..alone.
Well.. life still goes on. It's really tough climbing out of the deep cliff I've fallen into. Sometimes I might just slip my grip and fall lower.
I've been studying. Exams are drawing close. Stress is building up resultably. Sigh. Non-excusable however it's really tough, coping with exams preparation and dealing with my unsettled emotion-chaos.
I'm intending to do what I can. Finally embarked on my journey to prepare myself for exams. At AMK library, I managed to finish studying 3 chapters of Accounting: Statement of Cash Flows (which I've started yesterday and the day before), Accounting Equation, Balance Sheet. As planned, I completed marketing Chpt 1 and Macroeconomics: PPC and scarcity, GDP, Unemployment and inflation. Phew...
For a moment, my mind strayed and reminded myself of the person who broke my heart.. Omg..wasted some of my revising time. I sober up and continued studying.
I had Subway takeaway for dinner after meeting Jessamine at J8 to pass her something. I realised I'm influenced by Sweet in alot of ways. Subway became my favourite fast-food restaurant. Grew to love Honey Oat loaf.. and red wine vinegrette.. Sigh.. *sobs*
All in all, it's really hard to forget... but hey, I'm moving on.. Just need more time for resilience
Archa Archa Archa!
Don't know why but everytime I blog, I have an urge to start it by counting the number of days since the breakup. Apparantly, thanks to all the concern and encouragement of my existing and new found friends, I managed to supress "J"ason and gained my senses. I don't know..perhaps it's the beginning in another life chapter? Most probably, it is...
I do admit there will be times "J"ason take over the mind. Fabricating and analysing possibilities to achieve the long-forgotten and impossible desires. As much as I want to sip into the unconscious mind again, I pull myself back again and keep persuading myself to be rational, sensible.. and ultimately, to let go...
Met -A- a week after my breakup, we had a heart-to-heart chat after dinner at S-11, AMK central. -A- said I need to control my emotions and advised me (like what everybody has been saying) that you can't put 100% heart and soul into a relationship. That will be total suicide just by jumping into it blindly. It also made me realise things are not as simple and clear as the innocence in me is telling me so. I really hate being so superficial and cautious of people taking advantage of my genuinity and gulliblity.
Furthermore, I also realised, Time really heals some of the wounds and makes me forget about a person I used to love so much, gradually. It's not really about not thinking about my ex but rather, it was the force of letting another person into my life. As I found a new love, it enables me to fill my loneliness and enable me to utilise the passion to this new love.
Today I went jogging in the morning, I realised.. why people cry isn't entirely because the rejected person is at a loss of what to do next. A breakup is heart-breaking because you have not had the chance to recover and retrieve your feelings for a person. Yet you're already "cut off" and forced to be left suspended around the "peak" period when the other party who brought up the break-up have completely finished his/her cycle of loving you.
An example to illustrate this better would be like watching a movie. 3/5 or 3/4 throught the show, the movie got cut off and we're forced to leave.
That's why the feeling of loss comes into the picture because the rejected ones have to recover themselves.. to decrease their feelings (in completion of their cycle of love for that relationship)..alone.
Well.. life still goes on. It's really tough climbing out of the deep cliff I've fallen into. Sometimes I might just slip my grip and fall lower.
I've been studying. Exams are drawing close. Stress is building up resultably. Sigh. Non-excusable however it's really tough, coping with exams preparation and dealing with my unsettled emotion-chaos.
I'm intending to do what I can. Finally embarked on my journey to prepare myself for exams. At AMK library, I managed to finish studying 3 chapters of Accounting: Statement of Cash Flows (which I've started yesterday and the day before), Accounting Equation, Balance Sheet. As planned, I completed marketing Chpt 1 and Macroeconomics: PPC and scarcity, GDP, Unemployment and inflation. Phew...
For a moment, my mind strayed and reminded myself of the person who broke my heart.. Omg..wasted some of my revising time. I sober up and continued studying.
I had Subway takeaway for dinner after meeting Jessamine at J8 to pass her something. I realised I'm influenced by Sweet in alot of ways. Subway became my favourite fast-food restaurant. Grew to love Honey Oat loaf.. and red wine vinegrette.. Sigh.. *sobs*
All in all, it's really hard to forget... but hey, I'm moving on.. Just need more time for resilience
Archa Archa Archa!
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
De one with a Prayer
Night breeze
Shuqing gave me this prayer.. it was this which I felt exonerated and resilient. Furthermore, gratefully thankful to..
Someone and gestures came visit me... alleviating the chaos in my heart, mind and soul. ... filling me with the comfort of making me restore thy peace, as though draining thy ambivalence. Affirmed, I'm enlightened of forgivance.
I've always been a "slower". I suppose it takes Time for me to let go...
"Father, I know I have broken Your laws and my sin has seperated me from You.
Now I want to turn into your past sinful life, towards you.
Please forgive me and please help me aviod sinning again.
I invite Jesus into my heart, to fill me with His love.. to take away the hurts I feel.
Lord, I pray you engulf me with Your love. To show me how love actually feels.
The happiness of love, the sweetness of love and Lord. to show me the meaning of life.
And I pray this all in Jesus' name, Amen"
Now I want to turn into your past sinful life, towards you.
Please forgive me and please help me aviod sinning again.
I invite Jesus into my heart, to fill me with His love.. to take away the hurts I feel.
Lord, I pray you engulf me with Your love. To show me how love actually feels.
The happiness of love, the sweetness of love and Lord. to show me the meaning of life.
And I pray this all in Jesus' name, Amen"
Shuqing gave me this prayer.. it was this which I felt exonerated and resilient. Furthermore, gratefully thankful to..
Someone and gestures came visit me... alleviating the chaos in my heart, mind and soul. ... filling me with the comfort of making me restore thy peace, as though draining thy ambivalence. Affirmed, I'm enlightened of forgivance.
I've always been a "slower". I suppose it takes Time for me to let go...
De one with Love of the Schizophrenia
Unpredictable weather
It's been 15 days since the breakup. It took my alot of courage to blog this entry...
I wouldn't deny that this 15 days have been as disastrous as Hell. It was filled with torture, heartpain, suffering, ultimate misery, loneliness and crying... In the milst of all this intense emotional moment, another side of Jason came to exist. It's schizophrenia. I supposed so.
Like the Phoenix in X-men, I developed another side of me. Someone born of split personality.
Jason was not the sweet, innocent, gullible kind soul..but someone beyond imagined, limitedlessly strong... someone filled with rage, dominance and emotionless.
I, or it's the "J"ason..said and did stupid things which were not supposed to be. He end up causing damage to thyself and people who loved me so much. I want to scream out loud that I was not to be blame. However, it was all in that instance when I lost my senses and rationality, "J"ason took over.
Why!?! Why does it have to be me? I cry every time.. The miserable song keeps playing in my head. That guilt is awfully causing me to be unable to sleep, study and live. I really feel it was the end of the world. Everything I see, hear, smell or touch, I just can't be reminded of the pain inflicted on me by the person whom I thought I could open and share my entire life with.
I was wrong.. dissappointed? angry? cheated? I really don't know what to feel. You know what breaks and crumple a person? It is learning the secrets which the person whom you trusted and cared entirely, more than anyone else in your entire life. The feeling when you see how dark you've been lured into.
As much as "J"ason's actions or my defensive measure are unjustified (after learning the consequences).. I beg not to be condemned or entirely convicted of my wrong doings. I'd always believe in Newton's 3rd Law of Matters : "Every process has an equal and opposite reaction force". Everything occur due to a reason. This was imprinted into my memory by -A-.
I've ever considered and even exacuted ending my life... Yes, alot of people will comment it's really foolish and dumb. However, I'm that innocent. I thought it was the only way to erase my entire life..this life borned wrong in the first place. I really want to start a new life afresh. However, I want to specify, I didn't commit this way to use it as a threat to make the person responsible for this to come back to me.
I've really learnt.. somethings in life ain't meant to be yours, no matter how you try, it will never will itself to you. In being persistent, you may be widening the distance instead of bridging the gap in between.
Then again.. somethings in life which we want to achieve and really give our heart and soul for it, there are still alot..or a bunchful which are just taking adventage of you...
All in all, there were no excuses or invention of "J"ason. The phoenix in me was truly awakened. It's the same person whom everybody has. He's the one who make you feel comforted after your prayer. He's the one who endure you through your challenges. For me...thyself...so frightened and fearful of him.
It's been 15 days since the breakup. It took my alot of courage to blog this entry...
I wouldn't deny that this 15 days have been as disastrous as Hell. It was filled with torture, heartpain, suffering, ultimate misery, loneliness and crying... In the milst of all this intense emotional moment, another side of Jason came to exist. It's schizophrenia. I supposed so.
Like the Phoenix in X-men, I developed another side of me. Someone born of split personality.
Jason was not the sweet, innocent, gullible kind soul..but someone beyond imagined, limitedlessly strong... someone filled with rage, dominance and emotionless.
I, or it's the "J"ason..said and did stupid things which were not supposed to be. He end up causing damage to thyself and people who loved me so much. I want to scream out loud that I was not to be blame. However, it was all in that instance when I lost my senses and rationality, "J"ason took over.
Why!?! Why does it have to be me? I cry every time.. The miserable song keeps playing in my head. That guilt is awfully causing me to be unable to sleep, study and live. I really feel it was the end of the world. Everything I see, hear, smell or touch, I just can't be reminded of the pain inflicted on me by the person whom I thought I could open and share my entire life with.
I was wrong.. dissappointed? angry? cheated? I really don't know what to feel. You know what breaks and crumple a person? It is learning the secrets which the person whom you trusted and cared entirely, more than anyone else in your entire life. The feeling when you see how dark you've been lured into.
As much as "J"ason's actions or my defensive measure are unjustified (after learning the consequences).. I beg not to be condemned or entirely convicted of my wrong doings. I'd always believe in Newton's 3rd Law of Matters : "Every process has an equal and opposite reaction force". Everything occur due to a reason. This was imprinted into my memory by -A-.
I've ever considered and even exacuted ending my life... Yes, alot of people will comment it's really foolish and dumb. However, I'm that innocent. I thought it was the only way to erase my entire life..this life borned wrong in the first place. I really want to start a new life afresh. However, I want to specify, I didn't commit this way to use it as a threat to make the person responsible for this to come back to me.
I've really learnt.. somethings in life ain't meant to be yours, no matter how you try, it will never will itself to you. In being persistent, you may be widening the distance instead of bridging the gap in between.
Then again.. somethings in life which we want to achieve and really give our heart and soul for it, there are still alot..or a bunchful which are just taking adventage of you...
All in all, there were no excuses or invention of "J"ason. The phoenix in me was truly awakened. It's the same person whom everybody has. He's the one who make you feel comforted after your prayer. He's the one who endure you through your challenges. For me...thyself...so frightened and fearful of him.
Monday, September 25, 2006
De one with Jason is Dead
Death lurks...
As of today, Jason is dead................................................................................................................................
As of today, Jason is dead................................................................................................................................
De one with Life Stood Still
Everyday's just as gray
It's been a week already. Yet, nothing has changed. Except the distance between Sweet and me is getting further and further. Sweet's being more and more irritated than bothered about me.
Life's really slowing down... as though the engine has ran out of battery.. deteriorating gradually, filling every space of my heart with pure sadness, suffocating me with no meaning. Every person has a meaning to live for and to live on by.. guess this is what becomes of me when something significant in my life, has gone missing.
I know there are other things in life. However, seems they are not as important and what I really need. Undeniably, I am finally collapsing and breaking down, comprising my rationality, mind and soul. It feels a hundred times more painful than death. At least, dead is sudden most of the time and it only last a moment. It's alot better because you wouldn't have the capacity to deal with the post-occurance period.
Suddenly, all my life's trouble, tickled down to the very insignificant ones are surfacing. Each demanding and pressurising me, pushing me to a corner. Everything's gone bad. Relationship with family. Friends who I can't relate my sadness to. Fear of troubling people. Grabbing to hope for a better change. Struggling against the odds. Persistence for a truth from someone who is not sure, worst, delibrately suspending you. Sweet. Mid-semester exam. Final examination due in 30 days' time. Financial problems. My current life unluckiness.
Yes, everybody has been hurt. But I'm really devastated because I've been bottling everything inside my heart. Capped with a wonderful relationship with Sweet who I confide in, that's why I put so much effort and heart into it. Little did I expect the "cap" wasn't how good I thought it was. End up, the cap popped loose itself. It even cut me when I was trying to get it back again.
I'm really turning into living dead. A heart overpouring with troubles, endless misery. Flooding and drowning me in it.
='(
It's been a week already. Yet, nothing has changed. Except the distance between Sweet and me is getting further and further. Sweet's being more and more irritated than bothered about me.
Life's really slowing down... as though the engine has ran out of battery.. deteriorating gradually, filling every space of my heart with pure sadness, suffocating me with no meaning. Every person has a meaning to live for and to live on by.. guess this is what becomes of me when something significant in my life, has gone missing.
I know there are other things in life. However, seems they are not as important and what I really need. Undeniably, I am finally collapsing and breaking down, comprising my rationality, mind and soul. It feels a hundred times more painful than death. At least, dead is sudden most of the time and it only last a moment. It's alot better because you wouldn't have the capacity to deal with the post-occurance period.
Suddenly, all my life's trouble, tickled down to the very insignificant ones are surfacing. Each demanding and pressurising me, pushing me to a corner. Everything's gone bad. Relationship with family. Friends who I can't relate my sadness to. Fear of troubling people. Grabbing to hope for a better change. Struggling against the odds. Persistence for a truth from someone who is not sure, worst, delibrately suspending you. Sweet. Mid-semester exam. Final examination due in 30 days' time. Financial problems. My current life unluckiness.
Yes, everybody has been hurt. But I'm really devastated because I've been bottling everything inside my heart. Capped with a wonderful relationship with Sweet who I confide in, that's why I put so much effort and heart into it. Little did I expect the "cap" wasn't how good I thought it was. End up, the cap popped loose itself. It even cut me when I was trying to get it back again.
I'm really turning into living dead. A heart overpouring with troubles, endless misery. Flooding and drowning me in it.
='(
Friday, September 22, 2006
De one with Tears of Thy Heart
Moody all day
It's the last day of the week, everyone is happy and blissfully spending time with their loved ones at home, dinner and movie.. or even a loving stroll in the park. All these were the past for me..
It's been the 3rd day since the "verdict". Yet, inevitably... the tears of thy heart (sigh~) keeps flowing like there's no tomorrow.. :'c
Though exams are not over.. and it's Tuesday. However, I really can't concentrate. Unknowingly, I feel so forsakened. I can't even feel God carrying me on his back...
Everywhere I go, everything I see and the dreadful memories of Sweet, just keeps my heart tearing. I was with Mohan the day before. I couldn't help crying when I was dinning at Pasta Mania, having recalled Sweet doesn't like unhealthy sweet ice-lemon tea. That Sweet always accomodate me and compromise with Sweet's distaste for sweet syrup drink and pasta. I walked past Cineleisure's Bits and Pieces, that was the place we chose our couple rings. Went Hereen and all the memories of our arguments just flow.
Yesterday, I was with Clara at Jurong Point.. remember Sweet and I ate at the foodcourt upstairs. We went IMM..recalled Sweet and I was running wildly to look for a protective screen for our new couple SGH-E900. I was at 7-11, wanting to buy a drink, I saw Mr Softee.. made me recall it was Sweet and my childhood favourite. Clara and I ate Sundaes at Mac. Recalled Sweet and I ate Sundae at Bras Basah's Mac.
Zhen Ze, Guan Hui and I ate Subway today.. made me remember Sweet and I shared a delicious "footlong" honey-oak sandwich. Today, I put on a brave front but I was really crying so painfully in my heart as I eat in silence.
Came home only to hear my granny crying.. over my Motherless younger brother, who was punished my aunt for misbehaving. It feels like everything is collapsing down on me... I'm really hurt enough..
"The "rain" within my heart is downpouring,
Yet it doesn't wet her hair.
Tears dipping on the card's sentiment,
That heartpain has no delay.
The "rain" within my heart is downpouring,
It still doesn't wet her in anyway.
The chilling wind breeze through the twigs in the porch
As it withers the rose in my palm."
- Xin Yu, translated (Jay Chou's Still Fantasy)
I am really miserable... really really filled with nothing but pure, absolute heart-break and loneliness....
"And I know, it's only in my mind..
That I'm talking to myself
And not to him...
And although I know that he is blind...
Still I say
There's a way for us
I love him, but everyday I'm learning
All my life, I've only been pretending
Without me, his world will go on turning
A world that's full of happiness
That I've ever known..."
- Eponine, in love with Marius (Les Miserables)
Please, grant me a Sweet,lift me from my solitary despair
Else, bring me away
:''(
It's the last day of the week, everyone is happy and blissfully spending time with their loved ones at home, dinner and movie.. or even a loving stroll in the park. All these were the past for me..
It's been the 3rd day since the "verdict". Yet, inevitably... the tears of thy heart (sigh~) keeps flowing like there's no tomorrow.. :'c
Though exams are not over.. and it's Tuesday. However, I really can't concentrate. Unknowingly, I feel so forsakened. I can't even feel God carrying me on his back...
Everywhere I go, everything I see and the dreadful memories of Sweet, just keeps my heart tearing. I was with Mohan the day before. I couldn't help crying when I was dinning at Pasta Mania, having recalled Sweet doesn't like unhealthy sweet ice-lemon tea. That Sweet always accomodate me and compromise with Sweet's distaste for sweet syrup drink and pasta. I walked past Cineleisure's Bits and Pieces, that was the place we chose our couple rings. Went Hereen and all the memories of our arguments just flow.
Yesterday, I was with Clara at Jurong Point.. remember Sweet and I ate at the foodcourt upstairs. We went IMM..recalled Sweet and I was running wildly to look for a protective screen for our new couple SGH-E900. I was at 7-11, wanting to buy a drink, I saw Mr Softee.. made me recall it was Sweet and my childhood favourite. Clara and I ate Sundaes at Mac. Recalled Sweet and I ate Sundae at Bras Basah's Mac.
Zhen Ze, Guan Hui and I ate Subway today.. made me remember Sweet and I shared a delicious "footlong" honey-oak sandwich. Today, I put on a brave front but I was really crying so painfully in my heart as I eat in silence.
Came home only to hear my granny crying.. over my Motherless younger brother, who was punished my aunt for misbehaving. It feels like everything is collapsing down on me... I'm really hurt enough..
"The "rain" within my heart is downpouring,
Yet it doesn't wet her hair.
Tears dipping on the card's sentiment,
That heartpain has no delay.
The "rain" within my heart is downpouring,
It still doesn't wet her in anyway.
The chilling wind breeze through the twigs in the porch
As it withers the rose in my palm."
- Xin Yu, translated (Jay Chou's Still Fantasy)
I am really miserable... really really filled with nothing but pure, absolute heart-break and loneliness....
"And I know, it's only in my mind..
That I'm talking to myself
And not to him...
And although I know that he is blind...
Still I say
There's a way for us
I love him, but everyday I'm learning
All my life, I've only been pretending
Without me, his world will go on turning
A world that's full of happiness
That I've ever known..."
- Eponine, in love with Marius (Les Miserables)
Please, grant me a Sweet,lift me from my solitary despair
Else, bring me away
:''(
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
De one with The Verdict
Fluming day
Whatever I was feeling sad and insecure took it's final leash and then came a harsh-derserving verdict: Sweet is no longer in love with me anymore.
I don't know who to blame. I was persistent once again, filled with misery-converted-to-rage too. All I could think of was I find it very difficult to let go. It really hurt deep inside as if my heart is bleeding profusely.
Deserve it? I think not. I really deny that the culprit is me for this turn of events. Neither do I want to blame Sweet. As much as I'm hopeful for a miracle.. let's just blame that Sweet and I are not fated.
I feel overly sinful ever since our final confrontation. Judging the measures I've taken and trouble caused. I though I could hang out this rage. However, by now, I've started to regret and repent. I really hate me being someone so evil who I detest..
I've forsakened the 4-faced Bhurma's blessed gift to me. Right now, I can do nothing but start into blank, letting the tears of regret, guilt, misery, flow out unstoppably from my eyes.. filled with ultimate desperation for hope and resentment.
Whatever I was feeling sad and insecure took it's final leash and then came a harsh-derserving verdict: Sweet is no longer in love with me anymore.
I don't know who to blame. I was persistent once again, filled with misery-converted-to-rage too. All I could think of was I find it very difficult to let go. It really hurt deep inside as if my heart is bleeding profusely.
Deserve it? I think not. I really deny that the culprit is me for this turn of events. Neither do I want to blame Sweet. As much as I'm hopeful for a miracle.. let's just blame that Sweet and I are not fated.
I feel overly sinful ever since our final confrontation. Judging the measures I've taken and trouble caused. I though I could hang out this rage. However, by now, I've started to regret and repent. I really hate me being someone so evil who I detest..
I've forsakened the 4-faced Bhurma's blessed gift to me. Right now, I can do nothing but start into blank, letting the tears of regret, guilt, misery, flow out unstoppably from my eyes.. filled with ultimate desperation for hope and resentment.
Sunday, September 17, 2006
De one with Loo Wan
CHRONICLES Of CHUM
Tan Loo Wan. Very candid most of the time.. vocal too and a hell leader of charisma.
He was the first person I befriended when I first entered SRJC after "first 3 months". He was Pi-yi Secondary School uniform when we became friends and accompany each other during our very first lecture which was mathematics.
I recalled the very first time, we were chased out of our first Economics lecture since both of us forgotten to bring our lecture notes. Because of this, Loo Wan became the Class Rep..while I became the Assistant Class Rep. However, I didn't do much (as I've always kept low profile). So another girl shared the position with me.
We're pretty good friends, he's very caring towards his peers and "buay pai seh" (not scared of embarrassment in Hokkien) type of person We even landed in the same GP class for two years.
He's an expert in table tennis, which landed him to become the President of table tennis club. The girls used to tease that he has "big butt". We guys like to say he has a long neck which is part of what enable him to do so much chin-ups. Hehe
Loo Wan always love eating. He's always exggeratingly late most of our meeting. He's pretty closed to Jessamine, another girl in our "tribal gang". Always tease her of eating too much beef.
Like me, he went through BTM (except his was direct, I was Enhanced), then SISPEC in Alpha Coy (slack lah) and he got posted to become a Recce scout Sgt in Infantry.
Currently he's doing a degree in Business Administeration at SMU. Good luck Loo!
Tan Loo Wan. Very candid most of the time.. vocal too and a hell leader of charisma.
He was the first person I befriended when I first entered SRJC after "first 3 months". He was Pi-yi Secondary School uniform when we became friends and accompany each other during our very first lecture which was mathematics.
I recalled the very first time, we were chased out of our first Economics lecture since both of us forgotten to bring our lecture notes. Because of this, Loo Wan became the Class Rep..while I became the Assistant Class Rep. However, I didn't do much (as I've always kept low profile). So another girl shared the position with me.
We're pretty good friends, he's very caring towards his peers and "buay pai seh" (not scared of embarrassment in Hokkien) type of person We even landed in the same GP class for two years.
He's an expert in table tennis, which landed him to become the President of table tennis club. The girls used to tease that he has "big butt". We guys like to say he has a long neck which is part of what enable him to do so much chin-ups. Hehe
Loo Wan always love eating. He's always exggeratingly late most of our meeting. He's pretty closed to Jessamine, another girl in our "tribal gang". Always tease her of eating too much beef.
Like me, he went through BTM (except his was direct, I was Enhanced), then SISPEC in Alpha Coy (slack lah) and he got posted to become a Recce scout Sgt in Infantry.
Currently he's doing a degree in Business Administeration at SMU. Good luck Loo!
De one with Messenger
Cold & Chilling
I'm not denier of fate.
Neither am I strong enough to lose
Nor good enough to deprived you of your dreams
As much as I hope thous can be like me
Seek peace in living
A life to deliver help, joy
Bringing smile to almost everybody
For I'm a messenger
I don't have a choice
Like you or many others
I'm always the in-between
For I'm bounded by fate
I understand..
"Thou canst not speak of thou canst not feel"
- Romeo to Friar Lawrence in R&J
But before you made your decision
When the rightful tie comes
Please "think of me"
- Christine Dale in Phantom of the Opera
It's now not about you yourself
I'm included, I hope so
And never regret
Because you're going on a road of no return
Even if you do
And go through to other people
Your heart is forever stained
With my blood of passion
Which now thee only see as
Something of contamination and sinful
Even the angels shall weep for me
Pray not for an answer
But plead for the one you believe
To fetch thy soul away
For a faraway haven
And never seen again
I'm not denier of fate.
Neither am I strong enough to lose
Nor good enough to deprived you of your dreams
As much as I hope thous can be like me
Seek peace in living
A life to deliver help, joy
Bringing smile to almost everybody
For I'm a messenger
I don't have a choice
Like you or many others
I'm always the in-between
For I'm bounded by fate
I understand..
"Thou canst not speak of thou canst not feel"
- Romeo to Friar Lawrence in R&J
But before you made your decision
When the rightful tie comes
Please "think of me"
- Christine Dale in Phantom of the Opera
It's now not about you yourself
I'm included, I hope so
And never regret
Because you're going on a road of no return
Even if you do
And go through to other people
Your heart is forever stained
With my blood of passion
Which now thee only see as
Something of contamination and sinful
Even the angels shall weep for me
Pray not for an answer
But plead for the one you believe
To fetch thy soul away
For a faraway haven
And never seen again
Saturday, September 16, 2006
De one with Just Kill me [Emolings]
Trembling as though poisoned
Just kill me.. i'm no better than a living dead..
I'm really totally exhausted..
Please..Fate, Life, God or Anybody.. don't deprive me, abandoning me.
Just take me away. For once. Take me away...
Just kill me.. i'm no better than a living dead..
I'm really totally exhausted..
Please..Fate, Life, God or Anybody.. don't deprive me, abandoning me.
Just take me away. For once. Take me away...
De one with Cry
Rain stops
I used to be a cry baby. Like all other children, the only weapon a child possess was making use of tears to rouse sympathy, if not, adult's giving in to the unbearable embarrassment or annoyance induced by our crying. Hehe..
As a result, I was very spoiled from young. Every weeping would earn me what I want.
"Tear is King" in our childhood era. Adult era? "Cash is King" lah...
Ok.. let's not digress. Of course, sobbing wasn't only to "cheat" our parent's feelings to gain what we desire. But also to satisfy a part of emotions and pure innocence.
I remembered I cried on this television show depicting the undying love of Mimi Wong, the first woman to be hung in Singapore. Other than that show, I recall I'll weep whenever I hear my mother sniffing, having watched some tragedy on television drama.
A very exclusive and strange behaviour about me was everytime I think of my granny. Tears just flow profusely. Why? I really don't know. Perhaps I just appreciate her tender care. Don't know what will I do if she were to be gone. Perhaps, it might be a stigma because I ws told I cry like hell when I attended kindergarden. Ooops *face glowing red*
Another instance is I'll cry because I can't stand loud noise. I hate it because it habours headaches and a cramping pressure. It wasn't until I joined Bowen Military Band.
During Secondary school days, I traded my naive weepy whinny for a more pragmatic crying because of being defeated and genuine tears of joy. Imagine you work with all your might, heart and soul, the hardwork of being in a team and end up losing/gaining what you aimed to achieve?
It was also that I learnt to bottle my troubles in my heart and start crying in my heart, un-audibly. All thanks to maturity (?)
As the age figure keeps increasing, I cry for a different circumstances..especially crying for different people...
For Love:
I was in JC when I cried for my very first break up. The crisis lasted for 2 years.
At 17, I mourned for my grand-pa.
The worst, a combo of these two occurred when I was 19. My mummy left me from my world. My ex left me from my heart. I felt as if my heart stopped and I was going to cry out blood.
*sob sob*
During NS:
I cried in the night because I missed my family when I was serving BTM in Tekong.
Broke down too when I was failing to perform up to my expectations. Significantly when I was in SISPEC, it was heart-breakingly demoralising.
By the age of 20, I stopped crying much compared to my past. Perhaps I was too numb from all those heart-shattering happenings. I started to cry in my heart more than the past. If not, "word"-sobbing. No, it's definately not because of macho-ism. I wouldn't shed physical tear unless the person or event means so much to me.
I've also learnt, from Ling (played by Lucy Liu) in Ally Mcbeal, to be strong and withhold your tears in front of everybody.. learn to break down only when alone.
Crying is inevitable and undeniable in Life. It carries alot of meaning like art, replacing zillions of words to express the abyss of emotions of joy, mostly remorse.
:)
I used to be a cry baby. Like all other children, the only weapon a child possess was making use of tears to rouse sympathy, if not, adult's giving in to the unbearable embarrassment or annoyance induced by our crying. Hehe..
As a result, I was very spoiled from young. Every weeping would earn me what I want.
"Tear is King" in our childhood era. Adult era? "Cash is King" lah...
Ok.. let's not digress. Of course, sobbing wasn't only to "cheat" our parent's feelings to gain what we desire. But also to satisfy a part of emotions and pure innocence.
I remembered I cried on this television show depicting the undying love of Mimi Wong, the first woman to be hung in Singapore. Other than that show, I recall I'll weep whenever I hear my mother sniffing, having watched some tragedy on television drama.
A very exclusive and strange behaviour about me was everytime I think of my granny. Tears just flow profusely. Why? I really don't know. Perhaps I just appreciate her tender care. Don't know what will I do if she were to be gone. Perhaps, it might be a stigma because I ws told I cry like hell when I attended kindergarden. Ooops *face glowing red*
Another instance is I'll cry because I can't stand loud noise. I hate it because it habours headaches and a cramping pressure. It wasn't until I joined Bowen Military Band.
During Secondary school days, I traded my naive weepy whinny for a more pragmatic crying because of being defeated and genuine tears of joy. Imagine you work with all your might, heart and soul, the hardwork of being in a team and end up losing/gaining what you aimed to achieve?
It was also that I learnt to bottle my troubles in my heart and start crying in my heart, un-audibly. All thanks to maturity (?)
As the age figure keeps increasing, I cry for a different circumstances..especially crying for different people...
For Love:
I was in JC when I cried for my very first break up. The crisis lasted for 2 years.
At 17, I mourned for my grand-pa.
The worst, a combo of these two occurred when I was 19. My mummy left me from my world. My ex left me from my heart. I felt as if my heart stopped and I was going to cry out blood.
*sob sob*
During NS:
I cried in the night because I missed my family when I was serving BTM in Tekong.
Broke down too when I was failing to perform up to my expectations. Significantly when I was in SISPEC, it was heart-breakingly demoralising.
By the age of 20, I stopped crying much compared to my past. Perhaps I was too numb from all those heart-shattering happenings. I started to cry in my heart more than the past. If not, "word"-sobbing. No, it's definately not because of macho-ism. I wouldn't shed physical tear unless the person or event means so much to me.
I've also learnt, from Ling (played by Lucy Liu) in Ally Mcbeal, to be strong and withhold your tears in front of everybody.. learn to break down only when alone.
Crying is inevitable and undeniable in Life. It carries alot of meaning like art, replacing zillions of words to express the abyss of emotions of joy, mostly remorse.
:)
De one with Bottling Up [Emolings]
Time to fill up the bottle in my heart again :)
It was raining loneliness outside. I was cuddling in my quill of the sorrowing cold. Listening and figuring out the lyrics of this Jay Chou song "Ju Hua Tai" [translated Crysanthenum Stage"] from his lastest album "Still Fantasy"
I thought, what about translating the chorus, which I find very poemic and expressively poignant.
"Petals of Crysanthenum..
Scattering misery unto the ground
Your smile faded as if discoloured
The heart breaks as the flower descends
As I hide my troubles in silence
The North wind disorientates
Dusk before dawn
Your shadow undispelled
Prolonging my solitude
Like the surface of the lake
As they merge in resemblance"
Gosh.. unexplainably sometimes when people feels so lost and lonely, i'm sure most of us would find themselves relating to the lyrics.
It was raining loneliness outside. I was cuddling in my quill of the sorrowing cold. Listening and figuring out the lyrics of this Jay Chou song "Ju Hua Tai" [translated Crysanthenum Stage"] from his lastest album "Still Fantasy"
I thought, what about translating the chorus, which I find very poemic and expressively poignant.
"Petals of Crysanthenum..
Scattering misery unto the ground
Your smile faded as if discoloured
The heart breaks as the flower descends
As I hide my troubles in silence
The North wind disorientates
Dusk before dawn
Your shadow undispelled
Prolonging my solitude
Like the surface of the lake
As they merge in resemblance"
Gosh.. unexplainably sometimes when people feels so lost and lonely, i'm sure most of us would find themselves relating to the lyrics.
De one with Extremely Tired Saturday
Rain falling from the Sky all day
Yesterday night, I had supper with Clara at Boon Keng's Mac Donalds. Before even meeting her, I was kinda affected by Sweet's sms that Sweet couldn't meet me for the weekend. Well, disappointed I was as that will mean that we have to postpone our anniversary dinner later. And I really miss Sweet alot.
Nevertheless, I was self-enlightened that I had to be understanding. I should be considerate about Sweet's tireness instead of being selfish and demanding Sweet's lovingness and attention. I wanted to say alot of things to Sweet these few days. Since we've not been meeting, the only way to maintain our bond via our mobile phone. But I refrain myself from tiring Sweet even more with my messages and let Sweet had an early rest.
I was really exhausted today. Just couldn't figure out why I feel so restless today. Nothing happened much since it was raining, lonely boy stayed at home all day and thinking of Sweet all the time. Slept most of the day. Watched "Bourne Supremacy" on vcd. Stupid right? Haha.. Perhaps I'm overly-infected with love-sickness. There were times I ponder is it because I love people too much until they are afraid of loving me.
Sigh... Hmm.. I'm too stress, that's why my thoughts are wandering lost. I'm fine. I'm fine. Just need to learn how to bottle everything up again, that's all...
Yesterday night, I had supper with Clara at Boon Keng's Mac Donalds. Before even meeting her, I was kinda affected by Sweet's sms that Sweet couldn't meet me for the weekend. Well, disappointed I was as that will mean that we have to postpone our anniversary dinner later. And I really miss Sweet alot.
Nevertheless, I was self-enlightened that I had to be understanding. I should be considerate about Sweet's tireness instead of being selfish and demanding Sweet's lovingness and attention. I wanted to say alot of things to Sweet these few days. Since we've not been meeting, the only way to maintain our bond via our mobile phone. But I refrain myself from tiring Sweet even more with my messages and let Sweet had an early rest.
I was really exhausted today. Just couldn't figure out why I feel so restless today. Nothing happened much since it was raining, lonely boy stayed at home all day and thinking of Sweet all the time. Slept most of the day. Watched "Bourne Supremacy" on vcd. Stupid right? Haha.. Perhaps I'm overly-infected with love-sickness. There were times I ponder is it because I love people too much until they are afraid of loving me.
Sigh... Hmm.. I'm too stress, that's why my thoughts are wandering lost. I'm fine. I'm fine. Just need to learn how to bottle everything up again, that's all...
Friday, September 15, 2006
De one with Day After 2nd Monthiversary
Light showers
Today happens to be 1 day after 2nd Monthiversary for Sweet and me.. 2 days after 15 months since my late-mummy departed..
I miss these two people who I hold dearly to my heart...undeniably alot.
As both Sweet and I were busy with our respective commitments, we couldn't meet until this Saturday to celebrate a belated 2nd Monthiversary. Sigh. I was so stressed with my exam preparation yesterday that I didn't realise it was the 14th of the month. It was Sweet who reminded me in an sms when I was on my way to AMK library in the drizzle. I feel so terrible I kept apologising. Anyway, I took time to draw a heart shape made up of "Happy Monthiversary! 140 Love 4eva 706" and mms it to Sweet.
:: Sorry Sweet. Happy Monthiversary.
I've been busy mugging for my mid-semesters exams. Well.. for Econs1016's MCQ test, I got 28/30. Today was demoralising. ACCT2060 paper was really tough. Although I've studied, upon exam, I couldn't recall most of what I've cramped. Sigh. After exam everybody feels so happy. I felt so unintelligent and self-discriminated lor... I used to feel this post-exam disappointment was I was in Jc.. Just little did I realise that the feeling is so instantaneous..
Omg. Anyway, I know it, I didn't do well.
What made the day more worse was my Ipod mini dropped out of my folder in after exam. Fortunately, some kind soul picked it up and handled it to the our lecturer Daniel Tan, who then announced the "Lost and Found" when our accounting lecture resumed after a post-exam short break.
Sweet replied me and consoled me. I was really thankful for that.
What a "screwed-up" day for me. Due to this, I feel so gloomy the whole day. Life's path is so rocky for me. Alot of aspects I've been working hard but I find myself getting a result not as what I've expected. Stress too. Believe it or not, it's drizzling again. It always seemed to drizzle or rain whenever I feel depressed. It didn't take very long before Jay Chou's "Xin Yu" start playing in my head as I start to "stone" again.
After lecture, Guan Hui wanted us to go for lunch and catch a movie. So we end up having lunch at our campus' canteen before watching "Banquet", 2pm at Westmall Eng Wah. It's not a bad show. A show depicting the desire, ambition and crave for power; love.
It stars Zhang Ziyi as the Prince Wu Luan's gf, who end up getting married upon the liking of the Emperor. The Emperor's younger brother assassinated the Emperor to gain his status as Emperor and the current Empress.
In the milst of conspiracy within the court, there are three distinctive love protrayed in the movie: Jealousy and struggling undying pragmatic love (of the Empress for the Prince) Innocent love (of the Grand Advisor's daughter Qing Yu towards the Prince); and genuine affection between the brother and sister.
The ending? Zhang Zi Yi became Emperor as the Prince and sinister Emperor died during the Banquet on an inauspicious date. The rising Phoenix aka Zhang Zi Yi got assassinated. However the assassinator wasn't shown.
Halfway through the movie, Sweet gave me a call. I was overwhelmed with absolute guilt since I didn't message Sweet and update Sweet of my where-abouts (as it's a form of mutual transparency to each other in our relationship). I feel so afraid, will Sweet not tell me where and who Sweet is going out with, next time? Of course, whenever I have doubts whether Sweet will leave me, I keep reminding myself that I should and will trust Sweet.
Besides this, I was afraid will Sweet misinterpret that I am "depreciating" my attitude towards our relationship which I promise I have and will never do so. I'm sweet-loving and faithful.
Sigh. Nowadays I'm so cautious about my words and expression. I just don't want Sweet to feel that I'm starting my "depression" and quarrel-inducing demerits. Mentally stressed and emotionally-fragile and insecured, I really need lots and lots of support and love. Sigh. Exam sucks.
Today happens to be 1 day after 2nd Monthiversary for Sweet and me.. 2 days after 15 months since my late-mummy departed..
I miss these two people who I hold dearly to my heart...undeniably alot.
As both Sweet and I were busy with our respective commitments, we couldn't meet until this Saturday to celebrate a belated 2nd Monthiversary. Sigh. I was so stressed with my exam preparation yesterday that I didn't realise it was the 14th of the month. It was Sweet who reminded me in an sms when I was on my way to AMK library in the drizzle. I feel so terrible I kept apologising. Anyway, I took time to draw a heart shape made up of "Happy Monthiversary! 140 Love 4eva 706" and mms it to Sweet.
:: Sorry Sweet. Happy Monthiversary.
I've been busy mugging for my mid-semesters exams. Well.. for Econs1016's MCQ test, I got 28/30. Today was demoralising. ACCT2060 paper was really tough. Although I've studied, upon exam, I couldn't recall most of what I've cramped. Sigh. After exam everybody feels so happy. I felt so unintelligent and self-discriminated lor... I used to feel this post-exam disappointment was I was in Jc.. Just little did I realise that the feeling is so instantaneous..
Omg. Anyway, I know it, I didn't do well.
What made the day more worse was my Ipod mini dropped out of my folder in after exam. Fortunately, some kind soul picked it up and handled it to the our lecturer Daniel Tan, who then announced the "Lost and Found" when our accounting lecture resumed after a post-exam short break.
Sweet replied me and consoled me. I was really thankful for that.
What a "screwed-up" day for me. Due to this, I feel so gloomy the whole day. Life's path is so rocky for me. Alot of aspects I've been working hard but I find myself getting a result not as what I've expected. Stress too. Believe it or not, it's drizzling again. It always seemed to drizzle or rain whenever I feel depressed. It didn't take very long before Jay Chou's "Xin Yu" start playing in my head as I start to "stone" again.
After lecture, Guan Hui wanted us to go for lunch and catch a movie. So we end up having lunch at our campus' canteen before watching "Banquet", 2pm at Westmall Eng Wah. It's not a bad show. A show depicting the desire, ambition and crave for power; love.
It stars Zhang Ziyi as the Prince Wu Luan's gf, who end up getting married upon the liking of the Emperor. The Emperor's younger brother assassinated the Emperor to gain his status as Emperor and the current Empress.
In the milst of conspiracy within the court, there are three distinctive love protrayed in the movie: Jealousy and struggling undying pragmatic love (of the Empress for the Prince) Innocent love (of the Grand Advisor's daughter Qing Yu towards the Prince); and genuine affection between the brother and sister.
The ending? Zhang Zi Yi became Emperor as the Prince and sinister Emperor died during the Banquet on an inauspicious date. The rising Phoenix aka Zhang Zi Yi got assassinated. However the assassinator wasn't shown.
Halfway through the movie, Sweet gave me a call. I was overwhelmed with absolute guilt since I didn't message Sweet and update Sweet of my where-abouts (as it's a form of mutual transparency to each other in our relationship). I feel so afraid, will Sweet not tell me where and who Sweet is going out with, next time? Of course, whenever I have doubts whether Sweet will leave me, I keep reminding myself that I should and will trust Sweet.
Besides this, I was afraid will Sweet misinterpret that I am "depreciating" my attitude towards our relationship which I promise I have and will never do so. I'm sweet-loving and faithful.
Sigh. Nowadays I'm so cautious about my words and expression. I just don't want Sweet to feel that I'm starting my "depression" and quarrel-inducing demerits. Mentally stressed and emotionally-fragile and insecured, I really need lots and lots of support and love. Sigh. Exam sucks.
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
De one with A Metaphor Expression
Sweet
If our relationship is an examination paper
And you're the subject or module
It's really gonna be highly unpredictable for me to get a distinction
Because your syllabus is ever changing
I may have come for exam with a totally different knowledge
Each time I sit for the examination
Instructions are ever-changing that I'll never get to anticipate it right
Except I'm in luck by chance
Different attempts at it requires to be answered
in different language, answering style &
even undetermined type of written material (pen/marker/projector writer/pencil)
and various colour of ink permitted for use
Some attempts I am so lost,
I leave a blank (when I keep quiet),
I'll get an immediate "zero"
Sometimes the print is not clear (whenever you hardly being loving to me)
I get sad and insecure
because I am afraid of failing
When I fail (when I do/say things that made u angry)
I have to do "corrections" (reviewing after calming down)
Then I'll realise how stupid, regretful I am
For making the mistake
When I fail badly,
I feel ultimately depressed.
When you're so easy to pass,
I scored high-spiritedly!
Yet I can't drop this subject/modue (I can't break up with you)
Because it's mandatory once I've take it
Otherwise, I wouldn't graduate
It is how unassuming the examination and module can be
That's why I'm worried most of the time
whether I'll even achieve a pass...
If our relationship is an examination paper
And you're the subject or module
It's really gonna be highly unpredictable for me to get a distinction
Because your syllabus is ever changing
I may have come for exam with a totally different knowledge
Each time I sit for the examination
Instructions are ever-changing that I'll never get to anticipate it right
Except I'm in luck by chance
Different attempts at it requires to be answered
in different language, answering style &
even undetermined type of written material (pen/marker/projector writer/pencil)
and various colour of ink permitted for use
Some attempts I am so lost,
I leave a blank (when I keep quiet),
I'll get an immediate "zero"
Sometimes the print is not clear (whenever you hardly being loving to me)
I get sad and insecure
because I am afraid of failing
When I fail (when I do/say things that made u angry)
I have to do "corrections" (reviewing after calming down)
Then I'll realise how stupid, regretful I am
For making the mistake
When I fail badly,
I feel ultimately depressed.
When you're so easy to pass,
I scored high-spiritedly!
Yet I can't drop this subject/modue (I can't break up with you)
Because it's mandatory once I've take it
Otherwise, I wouldn't graduate
It is how unassuming the examination and module can be
That's why I'm worried most of the time
whether I'll even achieve a pass...
De one with I've Lost It [Emolings]
Silent twilight
I feel so helpless. I'm really unsure of self-control. Feels terrible.
I swore I'll never cry for anybody else anymore..however, it's really hurtful inside.. I feel as if I've lost control of your attention for me.. As if I'm a toy discarded into one of your "organising box" and soon-to-be-forgotten by you, Sweet...
I happened to be reading all the past sms-es which Sweet sent me. I was so touched to tears. Nearly 2 months ago, Sweet never fails to message me daily..every now and then, as if I'm so indispensible in Sweet's life. In all the sms, Sweet impressed and made me feel so important to Sweet.
Alot of people would agree.. similar to my own experience that things fade.. love and feelings fades too over time? I know, if I ask Sweet, Sweet will just rebut me, saying "if you keep looking back, you'll never move on"...
Sigh..
It's really a great difference. It's undeniable for me to feel I'm suddenly "de-valued" in the heart -positioning of Sweet. Pardon me but all the eroding actions tells me so..
I tried very hard..*sobs*..to block all these but it's just so obvious.. It's becoming more and more difficult..
Perhaps Sweet's distracted.. I really don't know. I'm afraid to say, otherwise Sweet will just slap me with saying I'm not trusting and doubting Sweet.
Don't you see..you've changed.. I really don't know how to express it but everything's becoming distanc-ing from me.. I really can't help feeling insecure..
Yet i'm really afraid to say it to you because you'll just get annoyed that I'm just another person sticking to you. Which I never. I just want very much..things to be the same sweet and passionate. Without having you to doubt me, argue with me, mis-understanding and/or ill-thinking that I'm being unreasonable, giving you nonsense or being demanding and imposing my expression of love, relationship on you. Thereby making you feel oppressed and withdrawn from me.
The worst will be you just simply saying you want me to give up since I can't accept whatever you changed to as you deemed yourself to be. It's plainly an insult everytime you label me as someone who you can simply have no feelings and offer me choices to stay or leave you.
You know that I'm not able to give up..I've always find it awfully miserable to let go...
Sigh..
Perhaps is it because of my grave mistake? my concerns which is perceived to be a dreadful negativity or pessimistism that made you became this way.. It's been since then you started to disregard me as a lover-you-can't-do-without-with and start to flare at me.. and the "stigma"
Perhaps I'm really not that important in your life?
Or perhaps (this may be the most pragmatic reason) that you're too tired with your life again...
I really really really really really really miss the old ever-concerning, loving, more accomodating Sweet who seems to want, need and ethusiastically love me more than anything else for the moment (which you never seemed to want it to end)..
I can't cry (I'll be crazy if I smile now).. I can't break up (I love you so dearly).. I can't deny this awareness (because it's evident.. and I knew we were so much happier then..that we didn't even quarrel back then simply due to our commitment to laughter and love).. I'm really devasted when I find myself running out of choices..
Sorry. I just don't like things to deteriorate.. If it's me to blame for your behaviour now.. I didn't mean it to be.. How I wish I have the ability to turn back time.
Then again.. I'm not going to board over it. This feeling and realisation are just like a passing shower..
As the saying goes
"Do unto others what you would have them do unto you"
Sweet..i'm in continual to love you. Despite whatever or how undesirable or unsatisfying you treated me, my love has only increase or remained the same as ever. I'm trying my best to curb with my vocalness and comfortability being with you. Of course, in doing so, I've caused some disappointment and unhappiness to you. I'm trying.. I've never stopped..
That's why I treasure you.. I chase after you whenever you walk off in anger..
That's also why.. I braved this entry online..
All in all, I am not demanding or expecting you to grant me more.. but let's work this out to revive our "honeymood period" and make it day to day, anniversary to anniversary..
I feel so helpless. I'm really unsure of self-control. Feels terrible.
I swore I'll never cry for anybody else anymore..however, it's really hurtful inside.. I feel as if I've lost control of your attention for me.. As if I'm a toy discarded into one of your "organising box" and soon-to-be-forgotten by you, Sweet...
I happened to be reading all the past sms-es which Sweet sent me. I was so touched to tears. Nearly 2 months ago, Sweet never fails to message me daily..every now and then, as if I'm so indispensible in Sweet's life. In all the sms, Sweet impressed and made me feel so important to Sweet.
Alot of people would agree.. similar to my own experience that things fade.. love and feelings fades too over time? I know, if I ask Sweet, Sweet will just rebut me, saying "if you keep looking back, you'll never move on"...
Sigh..
It's really a great difference. It's undeniable for me to feel I'm suddenly "de-valued" in the heart -positioning of Sweet. Pardon me but all the eroding actions tells me so..
I tried very hard..*sobs*..to block all these but it's just so obvious.. It's becoming more and more difficult..
Perhaps Sweet's distracted.. I really don't know. I'm afraid to say, otherwise Sweet will just slap me with saying I'm not trusting and doubting Sweet.
Don't you see..you've changed.. I really don't know how to express it but everything's becoming distanc-ing from me.. I really can't help feeling insecure..
Yet i'm really afraid to say it to you because you'll just get annoyed that I'm just another person sticking to you. Which I never. I just want very much..things to be the same sweet and passionate. Without having you to doubt me, argue with me, mis-understanding and/or ill-thinking that I'm being unreasonable, giving you nonsense or being demanding and imposing my expression of love, relationship on you. Thereby making you feel oppressed and withdrawn from me.
The worst will be you just simply saying you want me to give up since I can't accept whatever you changed to as you deemed yourself to be. It's plainly an insult everytime you label me as someone who you can simply have no feelings and offer me choices to stay or leave you.
You know that I'm not able to give up..I've always find it awfully miserable to let go...
Sigh..
Perhaps is it because of my grave mistake? my concerns which is perceived to be a dreadful negativity or pessimistism that made you became this way.. It's been since then you started to disregard me as a lover-you-can't-do-without-with and start to flare at me.. and the "stigma"
Perhaps I'm really not that important in your life?
Or perhaps (this may be the most pragmatic reason) that you're too tired with your life again...
I really really really really really really miss the old ever-concerning, loving, more accomodating Sweet who seems to want, need and ethusiastically love me more than anything else for the moment (which you never seemed to want it to end)..
I can't cry (I'll be crazy if I smile now).. I can't break up (I love you so dearly).. I can't deny this awareness (because it's evident.. and I knew we were so much happier then..that we didn't even quarrel back then simply due to our commitment to laughter and love).. I'm really devasted when I find myself running out of choices..
Sorry. I just don't like things to deteriorate.. If it's me to blame for your behaviour now.. I didn't mean it to be.. How I wish I have the ability to turn back time.
Then again.. I'm not going to board over it. This feeling and realisation are just like a passing shower..
As the saying goes
"Do unto others what you would have them do unto you"
Sweet..i'm in continual to love you. Despite whatever or how undesirable or unsatisfying you treated me, my love has only increase or remained the same as ever. I'm trying my best to curb with my vocalness and comfortability being with you. Of course, in doing so, I've caused some disappointment and unhappiness to you. I'm trying.. I've never stopped..
That's why I treasure you.. I chase after you whenever you walk off in anger..
That's also why.. I braved this entry online..
All in all, I am not demanding or expecting you to grant me more.. but let's work this out to revive our "honeymood period" and make it day to day, anniversary to anniversary..
Sunday, September 10, 2006
De one with Still... (color-coded edition)
Doubts, argument, regret and tears from de heart
Two days in a day's weather...
Friday everything was good. Skipped half day of lecture just to be with Sweet. It's irrational but it's an urge to spend more time. A gateaway...with Sweet. Went sun bathing. Everything was like a typical sunny day to begin with.
Afternoon, we went to Westmall do lunch at Mayim. I got my idol's lastest CD. "Still Fantasy". I was supposed to be overjoyed. I was. However, Sweet spoil it all, asking whether is it neccessary to listen to the newly bought cd after having importing the songs into my ipod mini.
:: Funny.. Everytime I'm sad, I'll feel better after listening to Jay Chou's songs. However now... today.. haiz.
Though night came, it feels like calming late-afternoon. We had a simple dinner at Ang Mo Kio Central's hawker. Went home to have a lovely night together.
The next day, though the sun shined all day.. the entire day feels like night time. Early morning I was doubtful. Sweet and I had an argument. In which Sweet really said something very hurting. At the instant, I learnt something for that moment. Gracefully, I was brave enough to let Sweet go...instead of holding on to Sweet like a child refusing to let go of his toy..
Of course, we didn't go seperate ways. Went to Suntec for lunch at Sizzler. Fruit Salad and grilled Dory Fish. After that, went to see joit-stick incense at Fu Lu Shou Building before proceeding to Capitol.
Went Funan Centre to walk around and shop for a folder casing for my lappy. In vain, both of us decided to have a resting stop at TCC.
Took 2 buses for prayers at the Thai temple at Bukit Merah. This time round, I really prayed to the 4-faced Deva wholeheartedly. Inside my heart, I was crying out.. for the Great Brahma to cure me of my obsessive pocessiveness, pessimistism. It was the very first time, I made a donation, in hope of making my prayers valid. That moment, I was really overwhelmed with helplessness and desperation for my imperfectness and any immoral deeds and thoughts.
Watched Singapore Dreaming at Westmall. It was a close-to-hearts for most adult Singaporeans. It presents the pragmatism "dreams and desire" in our life: Wealth, Material wants, status and acedemic achievement. It features how we cope with our adversaries and in times of bad, especially the emotional and pyschological impact the unexpectable departure of our loved ones. I was shakened by the scenes of the customs and rituals depicted. It beared so much resemblance that I couldn't help shedding tears from de heart. Of course, I was holding my tears again.
On my way home, I got something rid from my chest to Sweet.... we had an argument. The storm begin. I lost my rationality and did something which I didn't want to: I went down to Sweet's house..to clear things up..which was really foolish. I really regret my grave mistake and incontrollable act of foolishness...
I always feel whatever I do, it's always as if i'm responsible for others, especially the one I love alot. As a result, indirectly, I feel so committed, I end up doing things or saying things which only hurts the relationship. I always feel inadequate about myself. Like no matter how much I do is never enough. I break down alot of times. I love to cry. Especially so, silently.
Nobody knows how miserable I feel inside because I never shed a tear nor express it on my facial appearance...
It's suffocating. As if I'm in an unlimited debt to love and the person who I hold so dearly to my heart. Everytime I quarrel or get screwed by Sweet, I feel utterly insecure. It's so fearful. As if if I let go, it will be as though someone slicing off a large piece of my heart. What's left of me is profused flooding blood of despair..which will never end..
It's me, not you, who don't know how to love a person geuinely..again..
:: Great..what a big loser I am..Yesterday made Sweet angry.. early morning, ah-ma is showing her displease over me leaving the house in the middle of the night without telling her.. I'm better off dead..
Two days in a day's weather...
Friday everything was good. Skipped half day of lecture just to be with Sweet. It's irrational but it's an urge to spend more time. A gateaway...with Sweet. Went sun bathing. Everything was like a typical sunny day to begin with.
Afternoon, we went to Westmall do lunch at Mayim. I got my idol's lastest CD. "Still Fantasy". I was supposed to be overjoyed. I was. However, Sweet spoil it all, asking whether is it neccessary to listen to the newly bought cd after having importing the songs into my ipod mini.
:: Funny.. Everytime I'm sad, I'll feel better after listening to Jay Chou's songs. However now... today.. haiz.
Though night came, it feels like calming late-afternoon. We had a simple dinner at Ang Mo Kio Central's hawker. Went home to have a lovely night together.
The next day, though the sun shined all day.. the entire day feels like night time. Early morning I was doubtful. Sweet and I had an argument. In which Sweet really said something very hurting. At the instant, I learnt something for that moment. Gracefully, I was brave enough to let Sweet go...instead of holding on to Sweet like a child refusing to let go of his toy..
Of course, we didn't go seperate ways. Went to Suntec for lunch at Sizzler. Fruit Salad and grilled Dory Fish. After that, went to see joit-stick incense at Fu Lu Shou Building before proceeding to Capitol.
Went Funan Centre to walk around and shop for a folder casing for my lappy. In vain, both of us decided to have a resting stop at TCC.
Took 2 buses for prayers at the Thai temple at Bukit Merah. This time round, I really prayed to the 4-faced Deva wholeheartedly. Inside my heart, I was crying out.. for the Great Brahma to cure me of my obsessive pocessiveness, pessimistism. It was the very first time, I made a donation, in hope of making my prayers valid. That moment, I was really overwhelmed with helplessness and desperation for my imperfectness and any immoral deeds and thoughts.
Watched Singapore Dreaming at Westmall. It was a close-to-hearts for most adult Singaporeans. It presents the pragmatism "dreams and desire" in our life: Wealth, Material wants, status and acedemic achievement. It features how we cope with our adversaries and in times of bad, especially the emotional and pyschological impact the unexpectable departure of our loved ones. I was shakened by the scenes of the customs and rituals depicted. It beared so much resemblance that I couldn't help shedding tears from de heart. Of course, I was holding my tears again.
On my way home, I got something rid from my chest to Sweet.... we had an argument. The storm begin. I lost my rationality and did something which I didn't want to: I went down to Sweet's house..to clear things up..which was really foolish. I really regret my grave mistake and incontrollable act of foolishness...
I always feel whatever I do, it's always as if i'm responsible for others, especially the one I love alot. As a result, indirectly, I feel so committed, I end up doing things or saying things which only hurts the relationship. I always feel inadequate about myself. Like no matter how much I do is never enough. I break down alot of times. I love to cry. Especially so, silently.
Nobody knows how miserable I feel inside because I never shed a tear nor express it on my facial appearance...
It's suffocating. As if I'm in an unlimited debt to love and the person who I hold so dearly to my heart. Everytime I quarrel or get screwed by Sweet, I feel utterly insecure. It's so fearful. As if if I let go, it will be as though someone slicing off a large piece of my heart. What's left of me is profused flooding blood of despair..which will never end..
It's me, not you, who don't know how to love a person geuinely..again..
:: Great..what a big loser I am..Yesterday made Sweet angry.. early morning, ah-ma is showing her displease over me leaving the house in the middle of the night without telling her.. I'm better off dead..
Thursday, September 07, 2006
De one with The After-life
Foggy Thursday morning
I believe most of us will never have an accurate answer to what happens in the after-life. To expand the discussion more.. let's ask ourselves even further what will we feel, see, hear or feel in that instant before we take our last breath on Earth.
From young, heavily subjected to media influence, all our "answers" to the after-life were manipulated or in a nicer term, "cultivated" us to have this common innocent perception that the after-life is all about going to heaven or hell. Of course, that goes without saying, if the entire actions and deeds done in tht lifetime of the person, in account of his character, would justify and determine his/her spirit to be dedicated to whichever realm.
No offence however, it's rather amusing why people tend to describe less of heaven but more of hell. Can't get what i'm saying? People usually give a very vid description about Heaven, as a place where there's endless pleasure, freedom and ever good life. Comically ironical, people tend to give more details of Hell.. as a place deemed to be utterly undesirable; a dreadful place of monsters, evil and forever darkness; a place of unspeakable torture and destruction. Perhaps one reason is to create the fear and trick young people to do less evil deeds bah!
My own perception of heaven and hell was greatly influenced by Chinese shows shown on television. Hell was rule by the Taoism Hell Lord. What left deep impression were the existence of the rippers "niu tou ma mian" and the 18 levels of Hell. It's really frightening. From young, I used to have a series of the same nightmare, of being chased after by these two rippers, one with the head of a buffelo and the other, the face of a stallion. As for the 18 levels of Hell, it always sends a chilling shiver whenever I got exposed to it. It shows the consequence of doing too much unforgivable evil and naughtiness of an after-life. Omg!
Heaven on the other hand, was a place of peace and it's where, I think, the Gods are living. It's a place where you're expected to see people flying around. What an naive thinking!
As I've grown older, I my prespective of the after-life changed greatly. Having read Mitch Albom's Tuesdays with Morris, it deeply altered my impressions. That the after-life isn't about the end of a life but the beginning of another stage in life. That it's continuous. Even before reading the book, I've always wondered why the Black people in Alabama times, never grief but celebrate the death of a person in the community. It means freedom for these departed souls who were slaves when alive.
Recently, Sweet presented me with Buddhism approach that the after-life is nothing but a wave-length or frequency that is transferred over and over again. That the source of life is eternal, only the medium (the body form) is temporary. Personally, I feel this approach has similar properties as reincarnation. That the after-life will be the repeating of a life cycle. A person dies at one point in time. At this very same point in time, another life is born aka reincarnated life of that which has just ended. In layman term, it's like passing the baton in a never-ending race.
However, what have not changed about my prespective about the after-life is that humans never escape the judgement of our deeds. Or Karma in the sense of Buddhism. In addition, the idea of Hell and Heaven or another place which the departed soul temporarily exist, still remains.. perhaps in memory of my childishness. Oops.
Those who have read Mitch Albom's "5 People You meet in Heaven" wouldn't agree less that in that instance of death, everything in life becomes clear before you. Your whole life would be presented before you in that mere spark of seconds. That you're enlightened with the Truth and understanding about everything that happened in your life. It's hard to believe but well.. what's more practical for my personal view is that...
It's greatly common that you will feel some regrets that there's so much things which you want to do but you've reached your limit in life. It's the moment you discovered you have no shame or embarrassment in admitting to your grave mistakes. It's the moment in life which you'll have someone to shed a tear for you, realising how deeply they love you and recognising your existence and giving their fullest attention to you.
At this moment what will you see? Some will say you'll see a light which guides your soul to wherever you're supposed to go. Well.. I think one think for certain is you'll see total darkness, hear and feel nothing at the instant you depart.
Wuao..so much for discussing the afterlife in the morning!
I believe most of us will never have an accurate answer to what happens in the after-life. To expand the discussion more.. let's ask ourselves even further what will we feel, see, hear or feel in that instant before we take our last breath on Earth.
From young, heavily subjected to media influence, all our "answers" to the after-life were manipulated or in a nicer term, "cultivated" us to have this common innocent perception that the after-life is all about going to heaven or hell. Of course, that goes without saying, if the entire actions and deeds done in tht lifetime of the person, in account of his character, would justify and determine his/her spirit to be dedicated to whichever realm.
No offence however, it's rather amusing why people tend to describe less of heaven but more of hell. Can't get what i'm saying? People usually give a very vid description about Heaven, as a place where there's endless pleasure, freedom and ever good life. Comically ironical, people tend to give more details of Hell.. as a place deemed to be utterly undesirable; a dreadful place of monsters, evil and forever darkness; a place of unspeakable torture and destruction. Perhaps one reason is to create the fear and trick young people to do less evil deeds bah!
My own perception of heaven and hell was greatly influenced by Chinese shows shown on television. Hell was rule by the Taoism Hell Lord. What left deep impression were the existence of the rippers "niu tou ma mian" and the 18 levels of Hell. It's really frightening. From young, I used to have a series of the same nightmare, of being chased after by these two rippers, one with the head of a buffelo and the other, the face of a stallion. As for the 18 levels of Hell, it always sends a chilling shiver whenever I got exposed to it. It shows the consequence of doing too much unforgivable evil and naughtiness of an after-life. Omg!
Heaven on the other hand, was a place of peace and it's where, I think, the Gods are living. It's a place where you're expected to see people flying around. What an naive thinking!
As I've grown older, I my prespective of the after-life changed greatly. Having read Mitch Albom's Tuesdays with Morris, it deeply altered my impressions. That the after-life isn't about the end of a life but the beginning of another stage in life. That it's continuous. Even before reading the book, I've always wondered why the Black people in Alabama times, never grief but celebrate the death of a person in the community. It means freedom for these departed souls who were slaves when alive.
Recently, Sweet presented me with Buddhism approach that the after-life is nothing but a wave-length or frequency that is transferred over and over again. That the source of life is eternal, only the medium (the body form) is temporary. Personally, I feel this approach has similar properties as reincarnation. That the after-life will be the repeating of a life cycle. A person dies at one point in time. At this very same point in time, another life is born aka reincarnated life of that which has just ended. In layman term, it's like passing the baton in a never-ending race.
However, what have not changed about my prespective about the after-life is that humans never escape the judgement of our deeds. Or Karma in the sense of Buddhism. In addition, the idea of Hell and Heaven or another place which the departed soul temporarily exist, still remains.. perhaps in memory of my childishness. Oops.
Those who have read Mitch Albom's "5 People You meet in Heaven" wouldn't agree less that in that instance of death, everything in life becomes clear before you. Your whole life would be presented before you in that mere spark of seconds. That you're enlightened with the Truth and understanding about everything that happened in your life. It's hard to believe but well.. what's more practical for my personal view is that...
It's greatly common that you will feel some regrets that there's so much things which you want to do but you've reached your limit in life. It's the moment you discovered you have no shame or embarrassment in admitting to your grave mistakes. It's the moment in life which you'll have someone to shed a tear for you, realising how deeply they love you and recognising your existence and giving their fullest attention to you.
At this moment what will you see? Some will say you'll see a light which guides your soul to wherever you're supposed to go. Well.. I think one think for certain is you'll see total darkness, hear and feel nothing at the instant you depart.
Wuao..so much for discussing the afterlife in the morning!
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