De one with "I've had it all" [Emolings]

Blogging this with tears flowing profusely

I really want to say a big Sorry to everyone I've caused any offences or hurt. Be it verbally. Or depiction through my actions. And if there is, any physical offences which I hardly ever did.

You know what it feels to be hated? I have. I was so obessed, ignorant and shamelessly incorrigable that I just didn't want to give up. Up to an point of no return, the saturation point where I lost my rationality completely. I can even pester you, annoying you with my idiotic in-comprehensiveness and exhausting you of all your patience and humanity. Making you lost your basic kindness, benevolence and converting all to hatre.

I've lived 21 years and 2 relationship. Many will think "What the fark".... "you're just still young and inexperience and ignorant". I dare my guts and touch my heart, I've been through alot and experienced alot. Dreadful lots.

I've been through absolute loneliness, from which I've learnt self survival. I've faced the extreme grief of having lost the closest person in my heart who was also the greatest person who conceived me into this world at the age of 19 when I was millions of miles apart from her. I've faced being emotionally and pyschologically hurt and insulted yet getting more hurt brutally repeatedly, due to my obstinate determination of not giving up. I've been through failures. Sharing the similar pain with people who fought so hard. I've been cheated a large sum of money. I've been slapped before by my ex. I've experience what's ultimate shame. Of course, there are more...

You know what's being submissive? It's depicted in my actions. You know what's paranoid and worrisome? It's rushing through out my mind.

Fark. I just don't understand. Why am I such a failure? I've tried to improve but the end product is still so demoralising, depressing and disappointing... Why is it I've been weathered through so much emotional distress yet every relationship I still give my best shot at it? Why do I have so much compassion to give?

I really wonder why is my life really so tough now?.. Is it because I'm can only be a friend... not cut out to be a boyfriend? Why am I in this world at first? Is it due to me having to pay from all the karma which i'm in-debt to from my previous life?

Why torture me like this? I'm really exhausted... I'm completely lost... my faith and will...
Can someone really embrace me or comfort me? I really feel bullied and completely souless. As if I'm forever in debt to treat everyone superior than me, like how those Jewish slaves were.

Haiz..this icy mix of shame, regret, heartlessness is suffocating me. I feel so worthless, deperate and uselessly helpless. All I can express is tears that never seemed to dry.

:: I love you Sweet... simply, plain sweet loving. Art thou knowst how thy feel? ='(