Specificity
In times of uncertainty, some Christians step into their church; the sick steps into the neighborhood; the coffee addict steps into Starbucks while I found myself stepping to Ion. And did I bid "losing faith" hallelujah when the "adoption" of twins went through smooth and swift.
May I present the latest adopted pair of shoes from the latest autumn-winter 2010 Dolce & Gabbana collection. Yup, it turns out these happened to be the latest most-sought after "craze" in the house of J. Can't take your eyes off. Dashing and Gorgeous indeed.
Where did "losing faith" begun with? On the south side of thy heart, a series of meaningless events seemed drained out my faith so much so that I found myself unknowingly alienating people around me. It's bad but you see I've spent time to select presents, paid on their behalf, spent time to have dinner, even reject a hard-to-come-by request to join an expensive YOG opening ceremony preview. At the end of the day, I sat at Xin Wang Cafe, ate half a plate of the black pepper chicken rice and felt nothing. Did I mention my eyes were bitter and kinda swollen from the late nights of decorating cards. Thanks to me coming with the idea of replacing normal birthday cards with poker cards with personal birthday messages instead.
I tried my best to be awake and appear interested coz I knew how weird the birthday star wold feel like another is aloof at the table. But at the end of the day, I never felt a sense of belonging.
Honestly, even friends whom I thought they were, I couldn't face the truth that I was dispensable.. like some "wipe and throw wet tissue" you know. Or..or a wine glass, that's only needed when the wine is full and discarded away when its empty. And then I feel sorry for myself. Lose a grip and find myself like this.
It's like a game of poker. You regret, turn within your stomach coz you made the wrong bet. And hence, I decided to fold my cards and leave the table for someone else to play this inevitable failure game.
I met Bax for movie. Turns out I found that we had nothing to chat. I was trying. But he wasn't replying. And that I thought, no.. this is not how I wanted people to respond. It's the same with others. Abso-fu*kin-lutely tiring. Ya, go on and say everyone has a job. But imagine taking over my job for a day and tell me whether you are capable of behaving the same as I am, if the boot fits.
*Sigh*, I confided in Qing and she said "time to find a wife".
My natural reaction was to ask "Why?"
And her reply hit me like a stuck of the bell. "You're not young anymore".
Fair enough, we have reached certain age. That means we go a step higher be it in our career (put it plainly, they just want the money), some defend their argument at better maturity (perhaps something to complement their withering appearance), a great lot looking for a partner (bliss Qing and I'm happy you located that someone to grow with so soon). I was looking at none as I wasn't certain I've stocktaken any of my current achievement. This is when I need my close friends to tell, remind me. When I lift up my head, no one's in sight.
They say in life, no man's an island. But I protest and oppose strongly against that matter. People who did are initiators, the leaders of their life. But having done so doesn't mean a lonely man who gains and reserves everything for themselves. I chose the backstage works, do everything within my means to create, spare time and face all the messiness myself. Unfairly but sacrificially, I did everything I could... just to make the slightly impossible all possible.
People, especially Max and Hendri would "preach" that I have to love myself. It drilled in my head so well like a hot symbol imprinted into my memory during all my breakups. I do, I do, I do. But I need someone to support me whenever I fall.. a phonecall, just asking would in fact do; a flatter, the Leo me likes it; an unbiased truth, I can faced it; or even nothing to talk, just a hug, a present, a pat on the shoulder. And I worked so hard, perhaps too hard, Chris once said about me.. to earn everything that's good for people to talk about that sometimes I failed to note I'm born good and perfectly the way I expected myself to be.
I made a list of good friends, the good moments we shared. It's heartbreaking when knowing touched memories ain't much for retained-dwelling but commemorated and let go as time passes. You just can't keep reality and have to let it go. "How do you fill a cup that's already full". And yesterday, I threw away two Giodano jeans (since secondary school) so I could free more space my my growing newer ones. Philosophy in practice.
It's sad realising I had to brave it all, make the hard decisions and promise myself never to look back again. Reliant or not, it's time to donate unfruitful "investment" and continue to search for what best to salvage. Like confidence and other things which would save you troubles of worrying. For now, I have my Dolce and Gabanna shoes which I termed "the Twins". Thank you for keeping me proud and smiling.
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