De one with Yesterday

Raining dampened mood

Like all other things within the universe, certain qualities in us could be both a blessing and curse. Fire cooks edible food free of bacterias, keep us warm. At the same time, it could burn whatever comes its pave, creates air pollution, causes devastation. The same fate runs for my perfectionism.

"Perfectionist" often arouse negativity. Common people tend to be under impression of one being obsessively meticulous and more than never, excessively-fussy over details and the nitty gritty. In defense, opposing stands advocate on the merits from striving for perfection: It fuels continuous improvement and advancement breakthrough. As we know, nothing in this world can be perfect. This statement is debatable. The state of being perfect is a flaw itself. Yet, being imperfect indicates there are rooms for growth and/or progression.

Yesterday, my eagerness to perfect my documentation turned out giving the partner the wrong impression that I was trying too hard. Admittedly, this is not the first time I'm hearing this. It's disheartening. Words of affirmation have enormous effects on me, not primarily it's the essence of self-worth, it's one of the essential avenue to remind me to stop and take a break. It's like running a marathon. If there's no finishing line, very likely I'll just keep running effortlessly.

Of course, I didn't feel the need to justify who's right or wrong when I'm being judged. Good or bad, just take it positively. Sure, that's very zen thing to say. To others, they might think this is just clinche talk. Nonetheless, you should have heard the way the comment was voiced and the expression of the sender, it demoralise me. Got me questioning my experience, whether I'm capable / cut out to be what or who I am. I could have confronted my superior and argued, prove my worth of points and feel better. But, having reconsidered, I decided to leave things as it is. I mean, what's the point of creating a hoo-haa that probably make things worse.

One of the things I hate most is argument. Firstly, it's not constructive. The vicious cycle of tension-building, climax, fall and reconciliation from the beginning, middle to end of an argument's just too painful to go through. Secondly, it's simply not my cup of tea. Prefer settling issues amicably to frustrating negotiation and words-sparing. It consumes alot of energy and if without proper-damage control, it's detriment to one another's emotional equilibrium. What do you get out of it? Thirdly, there's no win-win situation. Argument exists as a challenge. The rules of engagement is simple. Two conflicting views. One has to concede defeat and accept the opponent's view. Don't be fooled with the counselor's "beautiful" ending or "reconciliation". Reconciliation can only happen when either of you give in first so that the other would do likewise.

In my opinion, it's true I try too hard at times. That's purely born from my attempt to give in my very best. One of my life principles: "So as long we tried, there's nothing to regret. Carpe diem". Humble without complacent, if I did wrong, tell me where I've gone wrong and teach me the right way of doing things. Just don't make me feel like a failure la.

Was literally weeping inside during work. Yet I didn't feel the need to complain or share my heartbreak with those around me. Put up a brave front, appearing normal and even texting words of encouragement. Emitting sunlight and contained every bit of bitterness within.  It was an awful yesterday. =(