De one with 13.07.05

Sunny

13.07.05 marks a significant day in my life. Exactly 365 days from the exact same day, at 19:35hrs, the woman who matter the most in my life, collapsed at Bishan park and went on to the next stage of life...

Remember it was 13.07.05, i was still a 2IC in Charlie Battery, shagged both physically and mentally. However deep in my heart, i was grateful that FATEP finally ends in Thailand. All in my mind was i was able to go back to base camp (Krachaburi camp) for a long awaited bath and dersert a perspiration and mud soaked uniform for a fresh set of attire.

We had our end-of-frame FATEP dinner. At the end, the gunners were going around "capturing" Sgts and Sirs to throw and toss them in mid-air for a couple of fun time. I nearly knocked my head into the ceiling at the entrance of the dinner hall. It was only after that I realised when Sgt Eddy passed me a watch and asked if it was mind. In my hand, i saw my addidas clima-cool watch, bought by my mummy for enlistment. Somehow, my mind sensed an un-auspicious ormen.

True enough, aft having bathed and come back to bunk, i switched on my hp. Replying to the 3 missed calls from Jasmine, everything break loose. I recalled when i got through, Jasmine was sobbing, telling me: "Jason... you must be strong ok?... Your mother just passed away.." I was shocked. I asked why, she replied she only knew my mum went jogging and now she's passed away at the Tan Tock Seng Hospital. I couldn't believe my ears. At an instant, gush of chilling fear rushed through my entire body system. I walked over to my BC and told him I needed to rush back to Singapore.

The next moment, i was sobbing soft while packing. Chaos was the only state of mind. The more i think, the more i wished to endure my fear, my tears, the more it flowed down my cheeks while i packed my duffle bag and sort out the equipment i've drawn on-loan for the exercise.
Even CO, LTC Steven Seng came over and comfort me, the miserable face expression i gave him was unforgettable. I was filled with nothing but pure grief. He was speechless too.

I cried the whole night, couldn't sleep. Sgt Eddy was by my side, giving my tissue paper and comforting me to sleep. It was until dawn that I dragged my luggage out to board the rover which would send me to the Thai-Singapore Ambassy to settle my departure administration, since i was travelling with my SAF smart card instead of a passport.

Poor Chin Yu, my only-reachable best friend, accompanied me all the way. Thanks alot Chin Yu. He even helped me with my heavy luggage at times when i had to switch from the rover to another vehicle which would fetch me to Bangkok Airport. I felt bad, having to leave Chin Yu alone at the airport and wait as the staff-in-charge (from the Ambassy) had to bring and facilitate me through the customs.

The caring staff accompanied me even through the waiting. I was really grateful. On board Singapore Airline, i was weeping in my heart. I keep thinking, everything's going to be alright.. I'm finally coming home to learn about everything...

From the moment i arrived at ahma's block. All the tentages were already set up. The first person who came to me was my aunt, weary looking, with the both hands on my arm, she said in Hokkien dialect: "Don't be sad, poor child.. Your mother's gone..." I wasn't crying but my whole body was really cold, filled with the refusal to sight what it's true. And there it was... the woman who mattered so much to me in my life, was lying lifeless yet peacefully in the golden brown polished and uncovered coffin.. She looked as if she was like in a stage performance, with all her thick yet pale-toned make-up. She lied so comfortably in the silk/linen laid inside of the coffin, so naturally like a wax model who's sleeping.

My ahma joined me later. With my dad already there. Mama (my aunt) was already breaking down in tears. I walked out, fearing a second look at mummy which would cause me to break down hard...

For the next three days of the funeral, i didn't cry at all. I kept telling myself repeatedly that I am the eldest son. I shouldn't cry. I had to be strong. So that others wouldn't have to come console me. At that time, i was really in grief. (omg, even when i'm typing this, i'm crying) I was hoping that my very first ex would come console me. However, my ex didn't came. I knew, deep down, another pillar of support was starting to collapse.

So.. I was alone. Thankfully, alot of friends turned up. Yuyan, Shuqing, Clara, Alan, Justin, Jiamin, Dunlin, Maja they all, Kai Si... and people from camp like my battalion Chief Clerk and 2LT Samuel came.. my men, Jimmy and Anthony called.. keep me occupied.

I hate funerals. I remembered my last was for my grand-father (mummy's dad). I hate funerals because there's grief and people crying painfully. I hate it. Of course, there was a small part of me, blaming Mummy..why she had to leave just like that. Why didn't she wait until I came back from training in Thailand.

It was until the final wake, when i had to place my hand on the van which carries my mummy's coffin, that all my pride shattered, restrained tears poured out. Totally broke down in heart-ache. Overwhelmed with indescribable anguish.

The story: "In fear of her high blood pressure and hypertension after having done her check up at Polyclinic, mummy became health conscious and begin her jogging again. She was always pushing herself. In hope that cardio-exercise would help her live a longer life as she has to take care of my younger brother Jimson and me, who have yet to admit into U. She went to jog around 1830hr. Till 2100hrs, only did my cousin, Jasmine and my daddy senses something amiss that they went out with my uncle to search. In vain, they came back and called all the hospital. Finally, locating someone with identical name at TTSH"

Unfortunately, the family members were called down to the autopsy room to recognise my mum's body. It was diagnosed that she had passed away due to cardio-failure. She must have over-exerted herself, leading to heart to collapse.

Later, it was heard that my mummy was sent to the hospital after some passer-by jogged called for ambulance. However, we couldn't discover what happened exactly...

Life still goes on. However, the significant scar in my heart and hurting truth of this loss of someone beloved, is unforgettable. People always say we still love her in our hearts. I do. So is she in my memory. Everytime i think of her, the chinese song "shi shang zhi you mama hao" will start to sing in my head. Tears will start to tickle down.

I would give up anything, even my life just to exchange her back... for ahma who lost a daughter; for mama and uncle who lost their sibling; for daddy who lost his wife; for Jasmine and Judy who lost her god-mother; for Jimson, my younger brother, who needs Mummy more than he needs me... and for the world, who lost a wonderful, talented, compassionate super-woman...

Je t'aime..
Sarang heyo..
Ashiteru..
Te Quiero..
I love you.. Mummy

-Jason, who didn't get to bid u goodbye