Breaking silence
The Scream by Edvard Munch (1893)
The Scream by Edvard Munch (1893)Notwithstanding my usual complaints, people who hang around me had better known I tend to keep quiet while they have rowdy conversations. Especially when we sit around a big table.
There are a number of reasons to this..
1: It's our first time meeting. I guess it is a norm I tend to observe more than having to say something offensive.
2: I'm dead tired.
3: The conversation bores me.
Charles White (1945) >>
Epiphany has its miraculous effect on humans. Consequently, a psychological reaction follows. Effecting some brave, eccentric, out of the norm action. Same with me. Which is why, Jason speaks today.
Work's very slow moving and the day pass like a misty cloud. I feel exposed of my incapabilities at work as Gabriel asked me about UMP and the demoralising pile of reviewed work on my desk. Those chunks of green handwrittings of Gabriel's looks as though they screamed, smearing my thin facial moisturiser and tearing my complexion until it bleed with substance of dismay and bits of the skull reveals, nothing but guilt.
Even at discussion, the junior staff supersedes me in knowledge. I felt like an useless bum. Yes, I'm not afraid to admit (never had trouble being honest about things I don't know), I'm a dumb. Empty headed. And why? Plainly because I'm a himbo.
I'm sensitive. Hence I indulge myself into calming thoughts and self-created philosophies to tame my wild thoughts. I do stuff like jogging, reading, drawing and blogging to concentrate. To feel better. I buy stuff to be in control.
The last thing I have always neglected was to confront this shagged and vacant brain I possess. Now this is the missing link in my incomplete and imperfect life.
I have a naive mind. Regretfully, no innocent but naive. Mostly attributed by the fact that I have grown up in a protected environment. Even till now, people have me under their wings. People don't come to me for help. Even when they do, I couldn't do any much because I'm so.. inadequate. Ha.
Ever tired ambitioning myself with new experiences to challenge and hope it will improve myself. Apparantly, some achieved but not efficient. The rest failed to materialised.
If I'd use one thing to describe how I am now.. it'd be a blank screen. Nothing better than that.
Is this pessimistism? Perhaps. I'm proned. Is there any opportunistic life encounters I may meet to safeguard me from this plunging pit of self-destruction? Can I don't continue to be so stupid?
Too exhausted to think.. -_-''' Perhaps I am badly in need of something to cheer me on
