Trembling as though poisoned
Just kill me.. i'm no better than a living dead..
I'm really totally exhausted..
Please..Fate, Life, God or Anybody.. don't deprive me, abandoning me.
Just take me away. For once. Take me away...
Saturday, September 16, 2006
De one with Cry
Rain stops
I used to be a cry baby. Like all other children, the only weapon a child possess was making use of tears to rouse sympathy, if not, adult's giving in to the unbearable embarrassment or annoyance induced by our crying. Hehe..
As a result, I was very spoiled from young. Every weeping would earn me what I want.
"Tear is King" in our childhood era. Adult era? "Cash is King" lah...
Ok.. let's not digress. Of course, sobbing wasn't only to "cheat" our parent's feelings to gain what we desire. But also to satisfy a part of emotions and pure innocence.
I remembered I cried on this television show depicting the undying love of Mimi Wong, the first woman to be hung in Singapore. Other than that show, I recall I'll weep whenever I hear my mother sniffing, having watched some tragedy on television drama.
A very exclusive and strange behaviour about me was everytime I think of my granny. Tears just flow profusely. Why? I really don't know. Perhaps I just appreciate her tender care. Don't know what will I do if she were to be gone. Perhaps, it might be a stigma because I ws told I cry like hell when I attended kindergarden. Ooops *face glowing red*
Another instance is I'll cry because I can't stand loud noise. I hate it because it habours headaches and a cramping pressure. It wasn't until I joined Bowen Military Band.
During Secondary school days, I traded my naive weepy whinny for a more pragmatic crying because of being defeated and genuine tears of joy. Imagine you work with all your might, heart and soul, the hardwork of being in a team and end up losing/gaining what you aimed to achieve?
It was also that I learnt to bottle my troubles in my heart and start crying in my heart, un-audibly. All thanks to maturity (?)
As the age figure keeps increasing, I cry for a different circumstances..especially crying for different people...
For Love:
I was in JC when I cried for my very first break up. The crisis lasted for 2 years.
At 17, I mourned for my grand-pa.
The worst, a combo of these two occurred when I was 19. My mummy left me from my world. My ex left me from my heart. I felt as if my heart stopped and I was going to cry out blood.
*sob sob*
During NS:
I cried in the night because I missed my family when I was serving BTM in Tekong.
Broke down too when I was failing to perform up to my expectations. Significantly when I was in SISPEC, it was heart-breakingly demoralising.
By the age of 20, I stopped crying much compared to my past. Perhaps I was too numb from all those heart-shattering happenings. I started to cry in my heart more than the past. If not, "word"-sobbing. No, it's definately not because of macho-ism. I wouldn't shed physical tear unless the person or event means so much to me.
I've also learnt, from Ling (played by Lucy Liu) in Ally Mcbeal, to be strong and withhold your tears in front of everybody.. learn to break down only when alone.
Crying is inevitable and undeniable in Life. It carries alot of meaning like art, replacing zillions of words to express the abyss of emotions of joy, mostly remorse.
:)
I used to be a cry baby. Like all other children, the only weapon a child possess was making use of tears to rouse sympathy, if not, adult's giving in to the unbearable embarrassment or annoyance induced by our crying. Hehe..
As a result, I was very spoiled from young. Every weeping would earn me what I want.
"Tear is King" in our childhood era. Adult era? "Cash is King" lah...
Ok.. let's not digress. Of course, sobbing wasn't only to "cheat" our parent's feelings to gain what we desire. But also to satisfy a part of emotions and pure innocence.
I remembered I cried on this television show depicting the undying love of Mimi Wong, the first woman to be hung in Singapore. Other than that show, I recall I'll weep whenever I hear my mother sniffing, having watched some tragedy on television drama.
A very exclusive and strange behaviour about me was everytime I think of my granny. Tears just flow profusely. Why? I really don't know. Perhaps I just appreciate her tender care. Don't know what will I do if she were to be gone. Perhaps, it might be a stigma because I ws told I cry like hell when I attended kindergarden. Ooops *face glowing red*
Another instance is I'll cry because I can't stand loud noise. I hate it because it habours headaches and a cramping pressure. It wasn't until I joined Bowen Military Band.
During Secondary school days, I traded my naive weepy whinny for a more pragmatic crying because of being defeated and genuine tears of joy. Imagine you work with all your might, heart and soul, the hardwork of being in a team and end up losing/gaining what you aimed to achieve?
It was also that I learnt to bottle my troubles in my heart and start crying in my heart, un-audibly. All thanks to maturity (?)
As the age figure keeps increasing, I cry for a different circumstances..especially crying for different people...
For Love:
I was in JC when I cried for my very first break up. The crisis lasted for 2 years.
At 17, I mourned for my grand-pa.
The worst, a combo of these two occurred when I was 19. My mummy left me from my world. My ex left me from my heart. I felt as if my heart stopped and I was going to cry out blood.
*sob sob*
During NS:
I cried in the night because I missed my family when I was serving BTM in Tekong.
Broke down too when I was failing to perform up to my expectations. Significantly when I was in SISPEC, it was heart-breakingly demoralising.
By the age of 20, I stopped crying much compared to my past. Perhaps I was too numb from all those heart-shattering happenings. I started to cry in my heart more than the past. If not, "word"-sobbing. No, it's definately not because of macho-ism. I wouldn't shed physical tear unless the person or event means so much to me.
I've also learnt, from Ling (played by Lucy Liu) in Ally Mcbeal, to be strong and withhold your tears in front of everybody.. learn to break down only when alone.
Crying is inevitable and undeniable in Life. It carries alot of meaning like art, replacing zillions of words to express the abyss of emotions of joy, mostly remorse.
:)
De one with Bottling Up [Emolings]
Time to fill up the bottle in my heart again :)
It was raining loneliness outside. I was cuddling in my quill of the sorrowing cold. Listening and figuring out the lyrics of this Jay Chou song "Ju Hua Tai" [translated Crysanthenum Stage"] from his lastest album "Still Fantasy"
I thought, what about translating the chorus, which I find very poemic and expressively poignant.
"Petals of Crysanthenum..
Scattering misery unto the ground
Your smile faded as if discoloured
The heart breaks as the flower descends
As I hide my troubles in silence
The North wind disorientates
Dusk before dawn
Your shadow undispelled
Prolonging my solitude
Like the surface of the lake
As they merge in resemblance"
Gosh.. unexplainably sometimes when people feels so lost and lonely, i'm sure most of us would find themselves relating to the lyrics.
It was raining loneliness outside. I was cuddling in my quill of the sorrowing cold. Listening and figuring out the lyrics of this Jay Chou song "Ju Hua Tai" [translated Crysanthenum Stage"] from his lastest album "Still Fantasy"
I thought, what about translating the chorus, which I find very poemic and expressively poignant.
"Petals of Crysanthenum..
Scattering misery unto the ground
Your smile faded as if discoloured
The heart breaks as the flower descends
As I hide my troubles in silence
The North wind disorientates
Dusk before dawn
Your shadow undispelled
Prolonging my solitude
Like the surface of the lake
As they merge in resemblance"
Gosh.. unexplainably sometimes when people feels so lost and lonely, i'm sure most of us would find themselves relating to the lyrics.
De one with Extremely Tired Saturday
Rain falling from the Sky all day
Yesterday night, I had supper with Clara at Boon Keng's Mac Donalds. Before even meeting her, I was kinda affected by Sweet's sms that Sweet couldn't meet me for the weekend. Well, disappointed I was as that will mean that we have to postpone our anniversary dinner later. And I really miss Sweet alot.
Nevertheless, I was self-enlightened that I had to be understanding. I should be considerate about Sweet's tireness instead of being selfish and demanding Sweet's lovingness and attention. I wanted to say alot of things to Sweet these few days. Since we've not been meeting, the only way to maintain our bond via our mobile phone. But I refrain myself from tiring Sweet even more with my messages and let Sweet had an early rest.
I was really exhausted today. Just couldn't figure out why I feel so restless today. Nothing happened much since it was raining, lonely boy stayed at home all day and thinking of Sweet all the time. Slept most of the day. Watched "Bourne Supremacy" on vcd. Stupid right? Haha.. Perhaps I'm overly-infected with love-sickness. There were times I ponder is it because I love people too much until they are afraid of loving me.
Sigh... Hmm.. I'm too stress, that's why my thoughts are wandering lost. I'm fine. I'm fine. Just need to learn how to bottle everything up again, that's all...
Yesterday night, I had supper with Clara at Boon Keng's Mac Donalds. Before even meeting her, I was kinda affected by Sweet's sms that Sweet couldn't meet me for the weekend. Well, disappointed I was as that will mean that we have to postpone our anniversary dinner later. And I really miss Sweet alot.
Nevertheless, I was self-enlightened that I had to be understanding. I should be considerate about Sweet's tireness instead of being selfish and demanding Sweet's lovingness and attention. I wanted to say alot of things to Sweet these few days. Since we've not been meeting, the only way to maintain our bond via our mobile phone. But I refrain myself from tiring Sweet even more with my messages and let Sweet had an early rest.
I was really exhausted today. Just couldn't figure out why I feel so restless today. Nothing happened much since it was raining, lonely boy stayed at home all day and thinking of Sweet all the time. Slept most of the day. Watched "Bourne Supremacy" on vcd. Stupid right? Haha.. Perhaps I'm overly-infected with love-sickness. There were times I ponder is it because I love people too much until they are afraid of loving me.
Sigh... Hmm.. I'm too stress, that's why my thoughts are wandering lost. I'm fine. I'm fine. Just need to learn how to bottle everything up again, that's all...
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