Today is my first battle for the 4th semester, being Corporate Accounting. Although it was not a tough paper, I thought it to be a very tricky one nonetheless. What was I thinking, totally overlooked the part on a crucial entry to reverse the investment in subsidiary for consolidation question. Faint~ There was a few parts of the examinations questions which got me overly confused and doubtful on what I've prepared during my studies, the whole exam felt like a dream. Simply because I was doing it with low confidence. Sigh. When I came out of the exam hall, my mind was sub-consciously worried.
The entire morning I was groggy. Mainly due to the inability to slip into slumber. In fact, some thoughts surfaced mentally, which affected me as if the gates of a dam was lifted to release the flood. Flood of tears. Tears of hidden emotions. Deeply missing my departed loved ones...
Story books, documentaries on mankind and drama series imparted knowledge that human beings are astonishing wonderful species. Due to their advanced level of intelligence, it has possible their capability to develop emotions. Evolution enables mankind, being us to deal with these emotions. Particularly... grief.
Different people have different ways of handling grief. Such actually revolved around my family.
Daddy visits Mummy and Jimson's grave at Mandai Crementorium in order to spend more time with them. He refuse to throw any of their belongings and even keeps Mummy's handphone line unutilised, all for memorial purposes. For ah-ma would prepare 3 meals everyday and ask me brother to come back to eat, exactly the way it was done when he was alive. My uncle would get himself drunk, especially during the period after Mummy passed away. He stopped drinking red wine so often after Jimson (who used to loved drinking red wine almost every week) left. My cousin, Jasmine have typed in her MSN personal message: "It is really different without you".
For me, I prefer to store everything in my tiny heart. I blog my misery. Strive to continue life per normal. Inflict alot of pressure on myself with work, school, entertain my friends, shop extravagantly, bricker with Honey, ate alot of chocolates, run frequently. Honestly, I did all these not in attempt to bury my sorrows. Do let me continue...
I always believe there is a time for everything. Tough times wouldn't last forever. Things which needs to be done shall be done. These are some philosophies which I've realised, well, not too late, but they have helped me understand and be optimistic about life somehow or rather.
Sadly, regardless of how bright I feel about life/try to be, I could never deny myself being an overly emo guy. When I'm alone/taking my lunchbreak at the stairs/just before I sleep, it didn't matter how battered I'm from overwhelming merciless-pressure, my tiny heart will overfill and I'll just break down. More than ever, painfully.
As much as I know big boys shouldn't cry, I just couldn't help. Suddenly yesterday, in the abyss of worries for the approaching exams, somehow I was reminded how much I missed Mummy and Jimson. The moment I looked at their photos in my handphone, bursting to tears proceeded with my inner self questioning repeatedly: "Where are you guys now? Why did you have to leave me so early?"
At the same time, yearning very much to be in the past. I remembered the time when I spent overnight at the hospital when Jimson was having his operation for the back of his neck. Mummy and Daddy came, they would visit him everyday. I recalled the times we spent our lazy Saturdays at home when Mummy would be so frustrated over feeding Jimson, who always give her a hard time.
I swear I would have given up my life... shorten my lifespan... anything just to turn back time. I needed a miracle very much. Gosh.. maybe this is a very selfish?
It is very difficult to forget.. perhaps which explains why we rather stick to not forgetting, resulting in us executing irrational actions and spur of emotions.
"Our memories keeps them alive. Our hearts retains our perpetual ties with them. Our lacrimation reminds us of how most indispensable they are. Concurrently, calls of our silent echos of their return"
