De one with Failing Life

Visible sun, invisible clouds and rain

Everyone has this moment in life.. in fact, I doubt anyone who hasn't experienced this before. That's at least once in our lifetime, we'd feel absolutely overwhelmed with the pressure from life. It is when the spirit-breaking creep upon us, born from the intangible disappointment because we can' live up to what life demands of us.

Or perhaps...

more precisely...

because our incapacity to live up with what we expect ourselves to be...

Well.. maybe some people reading this blog might even laugh at me.. why talk about this only at this age of 21. Others might be mocking that such discussions are buried memories form the past. Too, some might just think this topic is nothing but mere childish talks.

Then again.. embarrassed but true, my life is facing an obstruction - a major turning point. It involves drastic changes, double or even triple the change from entering a new secondary school or enlisting into NS. It's the beginning shift from expanding my personal life (obviously yet to be perfectly organised) to the incorporation of more intermediate studies and fresh working experience and too, love life.

It's more than meet the eye.. starting I thought it was fun and managable..turns out every aspects of life is screaming for attention. Here's where the cruel fact which is also the fundamentals of Economics: Scarcity, kicks in hard. Which is what makes my life so miserably unhappy.

Let's talk about the pressure from work. I've realised that it's devouring more and more of my time as I get even more ambitious to fulfil my thirst for learning in the current audit job. In order to learn more, I stretched the hours spent in office, in hope of completely my work on time or before time.

It's tough but I kinda enjoy it. Perhaps I'm very fast-paced. Inevitably, causing me to have less time for myself. And energy for focusing on my part time studies.

Referring to the latter, after 5:30pm, I have to relieve all my work in the office and spent the next hour traveling to campus for lectures which finishes at 10pm. By 8-9pm, all day's work hectic caused my concentration span to be exhausted. There were occasions during Cost Management lectures when I couldn't comprehend simple mathematical concepts. Sobz.

Partly to be blame, it's because of work and study which deprived me of sleep, which attributed to my low energy for focusing.

Let's talk about the former. Besides the lack of time for sleeping, I find myself having less time for family and personal because I've Honey to accompany. Not that it's an obligation but it's something you'd want to do, sharing your weekends for your loved ones. Then, revision of education is being compromised by this.

As a result I can't spend time cleaning my Bishan house and possessing the liberty of time for myself. I only manage to spend some time, usually late night dinner or supper with Mohan and Clara. No more shopping.. sigh.

It's really "so much things to do, so little time". I can't help feeling so devastated that I'm enslaved by the pressure..to want to fulfil and do my best for all that is in my life. Perhaps I've one too many commitments.. I feel insecure in the present and future because I find myself lacking the ability to do my best for what's present so that I can have a future. Sigh.

Bad luck.. perhaps it's bad karma? I try to be optimistic whenever I can.. Apparently, wonder if there's any time to remain optimistic or self-motivated?

Feels like I'm enstrangled.. I'm a drowning boy in the abyss of my chaotic, inorganised life... oh..boy..