De one with Ahma's Hospitalisation

Unexpected

Early morning wasn't right. My frail ahma fell when she was trying to stand up from the sofa. It was too rush for me, when I took a look at her, she was in bed, sleeping.

Afternoon my aunt left me a missed call. I swear I was perspiring cold sweat as I returned her miss call due to phobia developed after all these years' experience.

Despite that fact that I had alot of work to do, the situation didn't permit me to complete them. So I packed everything home, emailed the reports to my email so that I could rush to the TTSH (Tan Tock Seng Hospital) to visit ahma.

Along the way to Heeren, before going down to TTSH (I had it planned), my mind lingered in thoughts on why everytime when it's near my examination period, all these unexpect events would appear. Unfortunate events.. which deprived me of my beloved family members eventually. Just.. =_=

I didn't have much difficulty locating the place, even when I arrived without any information on the rightful ward to approach. Was there but couldn't help getting a feeling that the patient didn't like me to be there. Ahma didn't look like she was happy to see me. Sigh. I know..emo's to blame. I wasn't put down. It's just the experience of visiting a family member in the hospital, this hospital where my mummy and brother took their last breath, it overwhelms me with fear and fuel my mind with heartache memories.

I was dead really tired, mentally shagged. Only as I sat beside ahma bed did I begun to recognise growing depression in me too. Perfect.. real perfect, I guess that explains why I need attention and care yet not getting any much.

Tears gathered at the corners of my eyes as I listened to ahma relate she lost her appetite everytime her emotions were affected by her misses for Jimson. This has directly resulted her diet to be affected adversely. Plus a pinch of stubbornness, refusing to eat didn't improve but worsen the condition. Now, she's being diagnosed with very very low blood-sugar levels or mild hypoglycemia. Sigh. The doctor explained to me her blood-sugar level is less than half of that of an average female around her age.

I can understand she's over-grieved by the departure of Jimson. I feel too. I mean, I think about him and cry alone. I don't blame her but I felt she should have been strong. We've always been here. I buy food to take care of her well-being. I just don't want anybody to fall ill or leave. Really really can't go through another funeral. I really don't. I've broke down too much all these years. I'm 23 years old and I've to experience so much heart-shattering events.

I care alot for others, except my facial expressions don't show neither I speak my mind unless I have the opportunity to. I'm completely clueless, why must life be so.. aiya.. family's broken, I'm not a happy soul.

Thought having collected Jay Chou's new album would fetch some happiness. I was looking forward to today. Turns out, it didn't because I was too concerned with ah-ma. I didn't have time to prescribe and medicate with chocolates today.

It seems the more all these makes life even more meaningless to me

De one with Young Age Crisis

Complaining

Being good was never good enough. That's why making the best out of everything forms part of my unspoken character-goal. Lately, things didn't go the way I expected it to be. Apparently, it's worst and far-fetched from what I thought it to be.

I might have complained, lament and whined repeatedly about my incompetence in everything. Same old bothersome problems at work, school, social personnel, whatever it is, it's thriving on my misery.

Who doesn't want to be the best? Sorry, I'm a perfectionist, though I act as if I'm easy going with anything. I was so disappointed when my teammate called me during lunch to convey bad news of our OB assignment. We got a failing grade. I couldn't believe I would ever fail a group's assignment. Stupid.

The greatest challenge in my life is social deficiency. I'm not anti-social. I just don't open up to people that easily unless I have to. It's not my fault I'm not born a fluent tonguer. Give me a break, you guys dun have to make me feel no sense of belonging.

I was really sad over dinner at the Marina Pier. Seriously, I don't feel attached to my company. To the extend, I feel I'm just another dispensable employee. People who are doing worse than me click so well, they got help. I'm facing all assignment alone. Else, how do I learn?

Really unhappy. Life's not fair, nobody says it is in the first place. But, don't have to be that unfair to me what...