Bitter cold, frozen feelings
Life isn't a bed of roses. That's what everyone used to say when they find themselves trapped in distress. In my opinion, I'd think even if Life was indeed a bed of roses, literally.. it would have hurt when you get pricked by those untouchable torns.
Enough about roses and beds or even torns.. Life itself is cruel. It's harsh. Beautiful was only "painted" with temporary psychiatric and/or psychological sparks. Achievement, comfort, love and acceptance are some of such "joy triggers". Nobody is happy forever. That's Life... or is it not?
Our very perspective from Christian fellow-mates describe Life to be happy or the very least, at peace in its final stage. Of which we have to be familiar with - Heaven or alongside with God. My Buddhist friends or a used-to-be dear friend named Robin, shared their Buddhism teachings, which viewed "enlightenment" as the ultimate destination of Life. Nope..it's the human soul. Then again.. soul and Life. I guess both are not too far distinct.
Although I'm not a religious person myself, I benefited knowledge from interaction with religion. I supposed it was their culture which interests me. One of which I felt most inevitably related to was Karma. That all in life were balanced. Without pro, con would not have survived.
That was part of why since in-contact with Pure Physics in secondary 3, I loved Newton's 3rd law of Motion particularly. For those who didn't know.. " For every reaction, there's an equal and opposite reaction ".
It's true.. perhaps it's my bad karma taking it's place. Since young, I've thrived on being spoilt and dote by my family just because I'm the only male in the young generation. Then, my female cousins were jealous because they felt deprived of family warmth I guess.
Soon after I embarked onto my education journey, the karma sets in. I was cursed with being "anti-social". It's a curse. Not that I've not been trying. The ultimate impact set in a few years ago when "A" taught me the importance of being "outspoken and sociable". I knew it was just not me. However, I've been trying hard yet... in vain.
Perhaps it's my upbringing..perhaps I was too protected. But why just nobody accepts me in deep? That I'm a kind and simple soul. I care alot for my friends. Or is it I'm too much an attention seeker?
Anyway, what has this got to do in relation with Life? I can't deny but blast it out of my chest.. because it's really pitifully painful inside. MY LIFE SUCKS. It does and it's hurting very much. These feelings of depressed, oppression and having to deal with these unstoppable downs, I'm so battered.
I love my work. I have a passion. Which is what kept my going. However, lately I can help feeling left out. Like I don't belong to my colleagues as if there are some politics going on. What? Just because I'm quiet?
Family. Money issues. It's the same childish. I know I'm gonna suffer in the future. But it's my problem. I can't even deal with my present problems then they just have to fill in more until it's like never-ending!
Love? Sometimes, I just feel I don't have anyone whom I can really turn to.. Honey is like selfish sometimes, thinking all the world owns something.
Friends? I know they are there..but who really understand me much when I have difficulties expressing exactly how I feel?
Jeez... this is really hell... why is this dark cloud passing so slow on me.. when will the sun come out? Haiz............................ :''(
Thursday, October 11, 2007
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