De one with Je t`aime [Emolings]

"A water pipe with occassional air bubbles stoppages"

Although attached for a month, somehow at times, I feel I still have a distance between you and me, Sweet.. Sweet get irritated because it's hard to make out what happen to me when I become blur or totally lost in a trance sometimes. Or I'll just simply lose myself in a "world of my own".

I'd love to tell you why, Sweet. However, I really don't know how to provide a satisfying answer. I mean, it's a habit like whaat everyones else have in themselves. Of course, not as weird and eccentric like mine.

Perhaps the appropriate reason is because I feel fatigue, I'll just let loose of my focus or concentration. A personal Hiatus. I do have a reason how i come about to have developed this habit. It's because I've faced absolute loneliness before during my secondary school days. That's why sometimes I can just wait for time to pass, staring blankly and lose myself.

I know I'm bounded by finacial limit. However, when i'm with Sweet. I just can't control myself, I just wanna provide for you.. be loving to you, giving you anything you desire. It's maybe a good way to compensate my inability to make you happy with my words or facial expressions.

I'm really striving alot to make conversation with you. Be more expressive. Yes, if i'm so comfortable with you, I should be able to talk like nobody's business. However, i'm sorry i'm really not that kinda overly-chatty person. Even when I'm with close friend like Clara or Chin Yu or even Mohan, I don't keep talking to them every now and then. Especially towards the last part of us (me with my close friends) going out, we hardly chat because both of us are tired and exhausted of topics to talk about.

I want to tell you everything I feel. However, there are times certain things I phrase it in a different way, bearing in mind to be sensitive. I really care too much for my partners' and friends' feelings. I don't wish to say things to offend or demoralise them. With you, I feel even more responsible over my words because of all people, I don't wish to hurt you in any way...

Nowadays, I really don't know why but I realised two changes in me. I'd like to specify first, it's not because of you who have caused this.

I've discovered firstly, I'm very offensive in my speech. I keep using the wrong expression phrases or words or incorrect statements. Secondly, I tend to lose my "stamina" for a conversation pretty fast. Sigh. I am really frustrated at myself for having these "disabilities"!

Well, inevitably, I'm worried that one day you'll just reach your limit of patience and start embarking on a new, better journey. I'm not habouring negative thoughts again. I just feel so. Don't I have the right to have freedom in how I feel? Sigh. It also strictly doesn't mean that all your assurance are disregarded. I appreciate it alot. But as what -A- told me before. Nobody is able to predict what will happen tomorrow or in the future.

In addition, I'm not saying I'm not going to follow what I've agreed with you, Sweet. I'll treasure my present with you and improve so that the relationship will continue.

This is another thing which demoralises me. I need my lover to be supportive and really pocess me. When I'm trying my best to make things back to the way they were, reconcile or when I do something wrong in your opinion, please don't "hack-care" me. Assure me of your constant attention, agreement, appreciation and compromise. I'll feel right in what I do.

Sometimes, I do feel jealous when I see you messaging your friends.. my doubts will never be cleared unless you tell me. Sigh. Perhaps I'm pocessive? or I'm really too afraid of getting hurt?
Anyway, I'll still respect your privacy if that's the way you define "transparency" until. I mean, I trust you because I love you dearly. However, I just don't want to be in a situation where you start getting to know another person and keep me in the dark. But then again, I wanna emphasise that I trust you still.

Hmm.. that's all for now... before I end, I still love you as much. The above won't affect my feelings for you. Cross thy heart.