De one with Dreams

Decide what I wana be

"Professions" from thespringerlebaker.com

 

Like happiness at some moment in time, I believe we never missed considering what we wana or inspire or ambition to be. At a tender age, I picked up a color pencil and my hand told me I wanna draw. Sent for art lessons, got praised in school for having a talent in drawing. Went for competitions, didn't win much but guess my works possessed some charm to be captivated as display on noticeboards. Everybody who knew this "gift" in me pursued me to become an artist. Ironically, it had never occur to me I wanted to be one.

I used to hate professionals. I recall passing this kids-go-on-stage event. Vividly while the contents remain intact. There was this boy, taller and bigger in size than me, standing next to the MC. The MC asked "Tell us, what do you hope to be when you grow up". "A lawyer!", replied the boy with a snobbish tone. Back then, I thought "what's so great about being a lawyer?". Despise would be the appropriate description of how I felt back then. Was being rather defensive. My most-respected ambition was to grow up to become a teacher. It appears teachers then, were the only external figures we have contact with with authority and hands full of teaching materials, transparencies, marker pen, multi-colored chalks and knowledge.

It wasn't until later did the evils of logic which eroded this inspiration. We realised the importance of wealth, justice and finally, self-passion, that we started moulding our dream jobs towards fulfilling these attributes. Through my 24 years, considerations were given to fireman (after watching ladder 49), lawyer (after watching Lucy Liu on Ally Mcbeal), police investigator (having watched Hongkong dramas), drummer on tour (post-spectaculated Yamato Wadaiko), pornstar boy (not because of obscenity. It's a plain crazy ideal). Silly as it sounds but looking back, it's the innocence which lives in all of us. A little dimension stolen from the daunting and stagnant nature of pragmatism.

I ever considered being a knight or "fu ma" (young master). With age and maturity only did I learnt these were positions not earned but entitled. Since we are at this, I was washing my spoon the other evening. The shiny surface of the useful eating tool strike a match in my mind. In modern time, we are born with a silver spoon in our mouths. Not pure silver since pure metals are too malleable and easily broken. We have aluminum and pewter which are shiny too. The million dollar question is, are we that poor? Does the idiom "born with a silver spoon" mean anything?

And look! Where am I at? Haha.. drowning in the joys and tears of audit. Woot!

De one with Lost in the Desert

Reflective and questioning

Just as I was about to give up, someone pushes me up again. Can't help feeling "helpless" like Bella Swan from Twilight saga. No idea what I'm driving at? Here's a clue! My colleague described my situation under "contemplation". Don't think I was clear enough. Hack la.. I was going to quit.

Indecisive whether God works his wonder or pure coincidence in due course, Reb said she had an intuition an hour or so before she knew I'd been approaching her to break the news. Which I did eventually. And her reply was "we talk again". We revisited the matter again and she asked me to head back to think again. Hence, this blog entry.

Confess and admit plainly, the workload was part of the reason. With relationship out of the way, I had failed to juggle work and studies as much as I thought I could. This was unforgivably bad. Yes, over-expectations drown myself into greater pressure and disappointment. My targets were set above average given it was my last semester in school and I'm bestowed ever more responsibilities. Obviously, I find myself bending over backwards to meet these goals. "Tire-ness" claims the other half. Sounds clinche but nevertheless true. I feel tied down.. lost of control of my schedules and priorities. It sucks cause I feel messed up and drained both mentally and physically.

For some, they would impose their comments: "We get tired from everything else, we just gotta suck up to it and better learn how to manage it. Either through effective time management. Or adopt optimistic attitude." Precisely so, we ought to take a break. To re-boot ourselves, see things with a clearer mind and strategise an enhanced effective course of action. Not forgetting, for rejuvenation to jump the next hurdle that's gonna come. Else, facing the problem with a stubborn and persistent head-on, it's a question of now or later that we're just gonna coop up like a packet of popcorn under prolong heating in an microwave oven, which explodes eventually.

This time, I fell hard and lagged in picking myself up again. Good or bad? Let's just leave the evaluation aside. It doesn't matter anymore. What's the point of deciphering the pros and cons? More importantly, realise it is okay to leave situation as it is. No point crying or landing ourselves into a panicky state over spilled milked. Just let it dry under the sun and have nature takes its course. Would you disagree?

De one with Crossroads

Exhaustingly confused

*Takes a deep breathe*

Guys, mdms, I can't help but to admit.. I'm facing quarter-life crisis. If I were to pen down my feelings figuratively, I'm like a tattered flag that's blowing with whichever winds approached.

As true as perceived, all these chaotic emotions that I'm facing sucks. And it sux big time. Physically, I feel drained. It's continuous war-world in my head. Dragged myself to occasions and activities. There's so much I wished I could do but it just all seemed bleak.

Fair enough, I bet everyone is experiencing likewise. Then some crappy wise one would offer "philosophical words of wisdom": Everyone goes through the same thing or only the tough last.. Tell me about it. 

A moment of desperation to understand my dreadful situation, a kind friend loaned me this book: Rules of Life. Therein lies a rule which says: Accept things for what they are. First impression formed will skew towards "live and let live". But deeper thoughts reveal it also means "It's ok to be not ok" (Teo, J, 2010).

Yes, I'm not ok. There's nothing I can do about it at the moment. Just driving aimlessly down this long stretched life road. I can see the crossroads ahead. Perhaps that might help me get through this. No faith, just sheer surrender and embracing truth as it is.

Wish me luck!