Blogging this with tears flowing profusely
I really want to say a big Sorry to everyone I've caused any offences or hurt. Be it verbally. Or depiction through my actions. And if there is, any physical offences which I hardly ever did.
You know what it feels to be hated? I have. I was so obessed, ignorant and shamelessly incorrigable that I just didn't want to give up. Up to an point of no return, the saturation point where I lost my rationality completely. I can even pester you, annoying you with my idiotic in-comprehensiveness and exhausting you of all your patience and humanity. Making you lost your basic kindness, benevolence and converting all to hatre.
I've lived 21 years and 2 relationship. Many will think "What the fark".... "you're just still young and inexperience and ignorant". I dare my guts and touch my heart, I've been through alot and experienced alot. Dreadful lots.
I've been through absolute loneliness, from which I've learnt self survival. I've faced the extreme grief of having lost the closest person in my heart who was also the greatest person who conceived me into this world at the age of 19 when I was millions of miles apart from her. I've faced being emotionally and pyschologically hurt and insulted yet getting more hurt brutally repeatedly, due to my obstinate determination of not giving up. I've been through failures. Sharing the similar pain with people who fought so hard. I've been cheated a large sum of money. I've been slapped before by my ex. I've experience what's ultimate shame. Of course, there are more...
You know what's being submissive? It's depicted in my actions. You know what's paranoid and worrisome? It's rushing through out my mind.
Fark. I just don't understand. Why am I such a failure? I've tried to improve but the end product is still so demoralising, depressing and disappointing... Why is it I've been weathered through so much emotional distress yet every relationship I still give my best shot at it? Why do I have so much compassion to give?
I really wonder why is my life really so tough now?.. Is it because I'm can only be a friend... not cut out to be a boyfriend? Why am I in this world at first? Is it due to me having to pay from all the karma which i'm in-debt to from my previous life?
Why torture me like this? I'm really exhausted... I'm completely lost... my faith and will...
Can someone really embrace me or comfort me? I really feel bullied and completely souless. As if I'm forever in debt to treat everyone superior than me, like how those Jewish slaves were.
Haiz..this icy mix of shame, regret, heartlessness is suffocating me. I feel so worthless, deperate and uselessly helpless. All I can express is tears that never seemed to dry.
:: I love you Sweet... simply, plain sweet loving. Art thou knowst how thy feel? ='(
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
De one with Depressing day
Chocolate-eating day
Today's really been a sick, tired and depressing day. My sore throat have developed into a distressing dry throat. That kind which comes together with flu. Sigh. Feeling feverish ever since the day before and running nose. Very uncomfortable throughtout.
Early morning already indicated a day to cry about. Sweet and I had a "message war" about how we hold different views on a frill relationship. I really don't know whatever Sweet said, it's as though Sweet doesn't realise my love. It's like Sweet's not willing to commit. To me, I really don't know what's hell wrong with me. Feeling insulted, I stood firm, indirectly forcing Sweet to adopt my way of love-expression as I'm too used to people submitting to me. I regretted how I reacted. And really dejected why I would even think in a way that Sweet's disregarding. I was regretful over certain unreasonable things out of stubborness.
I was late for school this morning since I was overly concerned replying Sweet on sms. On my way in a cab. I was messaging Clara about what happen. Sigh. She provided some console like asking me to give Sweet sometime to be alone. I was feeling blue all the way.
Everything slowed down even more after arriving at campus. It was then I totally calmed down. I messaged Sweet again and explained that all the extreme stuff I've mentioned before, are just figures of speech and metophors. I was really gloomy and distracted in campus the whole day. During lecture, Guan Hui and Zhen Ze attempted to converse to me. I was unresponsive. I gave the excuse that I was sick (which I was lah) but subconsciously, I was waiting for Sweet's reply..an acknowledgement or reconcile.
It didn't take until after lecture ends around 1pm did Sweet call me. I was in the midst of my marketing project discussion. I didn't contribute much today to the SWOT analysis and marketing reviews. My whole body was heating up as though glowing with fire and my head was spinning.
Collected my RMIT Student card today. When Zhen Ze helped acquire if our Uni-student EZ card would be issued. Disappointingly, SIM doesn't provide. Sigh.
Around 2+pm, we wrapped up our discussion. Zhen Ze and Guan Hui pacify me to lunch with them at campus' canteen. Zhen Ze had Western Fish set. Guan Hui (who was on budget) ate cha Siew rice. None of the food appealled to me. Thus, I ate half a red apple and Kiwi. It was pretty expensive. $2+. Sigh. Zhen Ze played his recorded version of Jay Chou's lastest song Qian Li Zhi Wai. It didn't sound nice at all. Sigh. What a disappointment to add on to my glummer.
After that, we went to the Student's lounge since Zhen Ze wanted to look at the book sales advertisements. posted up by students. In view of our coming examinations, we decided that we really needed to refer to our textbooks. Thus, I got really broke after having spent $44 plus on my Marketing Principles text. I'm really broke. Sigh...
I made my way to AMK central to collect my altered ring from Lee Hwa. Exchanged my old antique grey POSB atm card for the lastest blue GO! POSB card. It's kinda cool that it encompasses a Mastercard function. However, disadvantage is that the cardholder is unable to use it for online credit card transactions. Omg. The colour and shortcoming of the card makes me feel blue...
Sweet wasn't responsive. Of course, all the way home, I kept thinking why do I care so much. What's the point of me being so overly-sensitive and self-depressing. My mind really went bonkers, considering whether is it because Sweet is communicating with someone new, thus neglecting me.
*knock head* *slap face*
Omg. What am I thinking!
Anyway, I'm really depress today..when I got home, I sat down to take a breath, pause my life and reflect why am I being like the way I am today..
Perhaps I'm expecting too much. Thereby greater disappointment, greater self-blaming and thus more derived sadness? Perhaps I'm not meant to have a relationship because the problem lies with me. I'll never make a good boyfriend. The fact that I'm unable to make others happy except misery, is so self-demoralising...
For that moment.. nothing. Just pure blank except solitary depression and a pinch of loneliness.
"How then am I able to stop worrying and thinking so much.."
Really felt close to weeping it out.
Today's really been a sick, tired and depressing day. My sore throat have developed into a distressing dry throat. That kind which comes together with flu. Sigh. Feeling feverish ever since the day before and running nose. Very uncomfortable throughtout.
Early morning already indicated a day to cry about. Sweet and I had a "message war" about how we hold different views on a frill relationship. I really don't know whatever Sweet said, it's as though Sweet doesn't realise my love. It's like Sweet's not willing to commit. To me, I really don't know what's hell wrong with me. Feeling insulted, I stood firm, indirectly forcing Sweet to adopt my way of love-expression as I'm too used to people submitting to me. I regretted how I reacted. And really dejected why I would even think in a way that Sweet's disregarding. I was regretful over certain unreasonable things out of stubborness.
I was late for school this morning since I was overly concerned replying Sweet on sms. On my way in a cab. I was messaging Clara about what happen. Sigh. She provided some console like asking me to give Sweet sometime to be alone. I was feeling blue all the way.
Everything slowed down even more after arriving at campus. It was then I totally calmed down. I messaged Sweet again and explained that all the extreme stuff I've mentioned before, are just figures of speech and metophors. I was really gloomy and distracted in campus the whole day. During lecture, Guan Hui and Zhen Ze attempted to converse to me. I was unresponsive. I gave the excuse that I was sick (which I was lah) but subconsciously, I was waiting for Sweet's reply..an acknowledgement or reconcile.
It didn't take until after lecture ends around 1pm did Sweet call me. I was in the midst of my marketing project discussion. I didn't contribute much today to the SWOT analysis and marketing reviews. My whole body was heating up as though glowing with fire and my head was spinning.
Collected my RMIT Student card today. When Zhen Ze helped acquire if our Uni-student EZ card would be issued. Disappointingly, SIM doesn't provide. Sigh.
Around 2+pm, we wrapped up our discussion. Zhen Ze and Guan Hui pacify me to lunch with them at campus' canteen. Zhen Ze had Western Fish set. Guan Hui (who was on budget) ate cha Siew rice. None of the food appealled to me. Thus, I ate half a red apple and Kiwi. It was pretty expensive. $2+. Sigh. Zhen Ze played his recorded version of Jay Chou's lastest song Qian Li Zhi Wai. It didn't sound nice at all. Sigh. What a disappointment to add on to my glummer.
After that, we went to the Student's lounge since Zhen Ze wanted to look at the book sales advertisements. posted up by students. In view of our coming examinations, we decided that we really needed to refer to our textbooks. Thus, I got really broke after having spent $44 plus on my Marketing Principles text. I'm really broke. Sigh...
I made my way to AMK central to collect my altered ring from Lee Hwa. Exchanged my old antique grey POSB atm card for the lastest blue GO! POSB card. It's kinda cool that it encompasses a Mastercard function. However, disadvantage is that the cardholder is unable to use it for online credit card transactions. Omg. The colour and shortcoming of the card makes me feel blue...
Sweet wasn't responsive. Of course, all the way home, I kept thinking why do I care so much. What's the point of me being so overly-sensitive and self-depressing. My mind really went bonkers, considering whether is it because Sweet is communicating with someone new, thus neglecting me.
*knock head* *slap face*
Omg. What am I thinking!
Anyway, I'm really depress today..when I got home, I sat down to take a breath, pause my life and reflect why am I being like the way I am today..
Perhaps I'm expecting too much. Thereby greater disappointment, greater self-blaming and thus more derived sadness? Perhaps I'm not meant to have a relationship because the problem lies with me. I'll never make a good boyfriend. The fact that I'm unable to make others happy except misery, is so self-demoralising...
For that moment.. nothing. Just pure blank except solitary depression and a pinch of loneliness.
"How then am I able to stop worrying and thinking so much.."
Really felt close to weeping it out.
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