De one with Things That Make Me Go..Hmm..

Hmm...

What are the things which you encounter which never fails to make you narrow your eyes and press your index to your chin.. oh! maybe conjure a trial between the shoulder-angel and fiend for some. Ah, mental images projecting in your mind?

-Flash-

A good bargain? Item on sale for a price/discount too wonderful, too unbelievable to be true?

-Flash-

A newly posted bareback people of Megan Fox hottie-look-alike or half-nude Daniel Henney?

-Flash-

A secret let out of the bag from an eavesdropped conversation?

-Flash-

A familiar examination question which you spotted and revised from past year's examination?

-Flash-

A delicious and unique taste from entrée highly recommended by the chef?

-Flash-

A 50 dollar note on the floor caught your attention with its owner nowhere in sight?

-Flashback-

*Swiveling the flash-thoughts away* They are often the extraordinary things which makes us raise a brow and impact puzzling thoughts. Were we trying to comprehend its occurrence, or make sure we ain't dreaming, or even suppressing our conscience before deciding to take advantage of the situation?

Personally, the above could be the reasons why I go "hmm" depending on the circumstances. Well, I mean you get it now WHY we go "hmm" over certain things. The sweeter juice of this blog rather derive from WHAT and WHEN are some of the things which never fail to make me say the magic word. Now your irises, contact lenses and spectacles please...

The Deadliest...

When I pass a shop spotted with something that intrigues spending. Yes, this is when I'll go "hmm". Things which are unique and extraordinary in appearance fuel curiosity. Of course not everything. These have to be exquisite.. to have caught my attention. More specific? Things that are not-crowd magnet yet colorful, shimmering like the stars and.. artistic in nature. I don't like to see what a crowd is already hovering over. And definitely things which ask "how come this never occurred to me before".

The Doubtful...

"Hmm" is what I'd say everytime I have to decide on something. Particularly when I have to choose between choices. I'd say "hmm.. which one should I get?" Mohan will say "if you can't decide, just buy both". On the contrary, Clara would normally say "my opinion would be: don't buy any". What would you say?

The One of a Kind...

While others prefer to say "yea, sucker", "what the", "alamak", "shit" or equivalent, "damn it", "wah lau" or "haix", "hmm" will be the noise I'd make everytime I play mahjong, card games or board games. Regardless of whether I'm watching or involved in the game No "especially", its a prerogative. Haha.

The Conformist...

Then again, I guess I ain't different from the rest when it comes to msn language. "Hmm" is an unavoidable word in the msn dictionary. Thanks to Clara, you'll be seeing seeing this blue bubble with a gloved arm in thee famous"James Bond" finger pose moving over its chin or another Yellow roundface with prominent curvy eyebrow, flashing its left and right side with each passing second. To me, it's used as an interjection. Like a "breath mark" on the sheet of a music score. Sort of a language habit. You'd have to agree with the himbo on this. He  care less even if you don't.

The Satisfied...

As if your mirror image is responding through you, having discovered the miracle work Biotherm can do for the skin or how easy this hair gel works. But of course, it doesn't necessary means a rosy picture all the time. Up the exclamation an octave higher and it won't take you long to make out I actually spot a pimple or an inch of growth to my face. Haha. For the body? It serves as a blowing horn for remedying actions be undertaken.

The Unethical...

Don't we just love smiling and say "hmm". Yes, that is exactly what I do when I give a politically-correct answer. Only when the truth will hurt greatly or duty to sensitivity calls. Don't do this often la.. god knows, every 3 times you do that might equivalent to a month of bad karma !! The unethical "hmm"s are in the eyes of the karma-evaluator.

The Mantra-Inducer...

When else.. Oh! I do "hmm" when I am reading my exams questions. Particularly when the question is reading back at me. In other words, I am clueless and would have to use my wits to kill it. What can I say, it calms my nerves, though my face expression doesn't show. Try it, of course, say it mentally. Otherwise, softly lah.. Else, I doubt whether the "nerve calming" effect would last before the invigilator chase you out. Sheesh...

The Concluding...

An insignificant expression with carries so much meanings for our daily activities. For that we ought to be thankful. Ok, I telepathe that. Someone's voicing "Hmm.. why is the ending such a clinché". Now, do you get what I mean?

De one with Punch in My Stomach

Uneasy

Urgh.. I just had baby salad for dinner. Feeling super full now. But guess I put too much thousand island sauce.. the limy taste lingers in my mouth and throat, make me feel uncomfortably. No choice, gotta exploit water-rationing.

If that sound bad, what you're gonna read is gonna be worst. I casually ask And about an ex-date, T. He says T is doing fine and has a bf now. After 1 month of dating some 2-3 weeks ago. Man, I'm happy for T. At the same time, I was reminded of my infactuation. And now, there's a messy feeling, like having bumped into another who had black coffee and spilling it onto you. Was I shocked I had more than I expected? Disappointed? Regrets?

And asked why I bothered asking. Frankly speaking, I was just being innocently curious. Ok, perhaps I was being a little busybody. Some part of me wanted to compare if I was doing better - you know, bit*hing. And then, the punch came again when I thought how could I have asked such a question when I don't really care.

Anyway, Kelv just texted me to say he was at Ion. Man, the day before James and his movie. Now another person messaging while I'm stuck in my exam-preparation "quarrantine". You guys owe me outings!!

De one with Ethical or Not?

One down, one more to go

What is ethical or not can't be determined by a paper. Apparently, to make you aware of what are the principles of being ethical and god-knows-what theories and practices there are to make you more ethical, the university actually examine you and give you a grade for it! Wuao.. education does have humor in them. Perhaps that explains the saying "learning if fun!". Remember Smartie, this grossy and colorful magazine from Bookworm club? Ya, that was his slogan or something I think. Boy, nostalgia taste sweet don't them?

Texts delivered themselves to Jude (my handphone), eager to know how was the paper. Thanks guys, I really appreciate your concerns. I replied "it was like a dream.. one full of blurry clouds." Yes, it doesn't sound optimistic, I know. Did I do my best? I did. I answered all the questions. Just uncertained if it were the ones which would be credited marks. Haha.

Had an angel to wake me up at half-past passed 6 am. But I thought I was gonna be super early as I thought time to "check in" the slaughterhall wouldn't be until 10:15. It was when I took out my examination notification slip to assure the venue did I realised I was wrong. 10 minutes before boarding the hall! That left me no time for last-minute revision. Too late. Owww... so I went to the gents, pluck out all my stuff, sat down and make quite abit of noise. Well, first I clattered all my stationaries on the desk. Next I shift the desk's position. What? *hand to ear, trying to listen* Sounds himbo? I am sure I never intended it. *whispers* The hall's too quiet.  

Part A, 7 questions. Part B, 3 questions with 2 parts each. Did my calculations last night: 1½ hours for each part. I mistakenly thought there was only 6 questions in Part A. That means 10 minutes for each. ½ hour for each questions in Part B. When the paper arrived, I took a breath - 1 more question in Part A. Managed a fast calculation. Although I have to finish each question within 8 minutes, my actual attempt busted my budget. But somehow I am clueless towards the end, I sort of summarised my answers to keypoints which I wish to include in writting that I had just enough time to attempt all my questions. I even have 3 minutes for grammar check.

Corporate governance, tax conflict of interest, consequential and non-consequential theories of ethics, ethical making models, AAA, Tucker's approach, reasons for real life corporate collapses, the most relevant Kohlberg's cognitive moral reasoning and development stage towards accounting profession, self-interest implications. Can't believe I wrote the full 19 pages on these. Without leaving a line. There were people who left early and others asking for the second answer booklet. Stressed but I couldn't care less after 5 seconds of stress. Haha.

Oh, today's examination, not very good coz there was someone's alarm which went off..for about 6 times. What an unglamorous thing. That handphone ought to be short circuited, along with its 9 descendants-phones upon replacement. Haha. Kidding la. Wouldn't wanna have bad karmas. But it was kinda irritating coz I was sitting pretty near the source. Gooooooodness.

After exams, GH drove Zhen Ze and me for lunch. Ben and Jos happened to join us by chance. And guess what, GH commented I am balding. Oh no.. any hair-restoration package to sign up? Am I really balding? Images of accountants in my head. My hairdresser's voice echoing in my mind "accountants either get bald or hairful of whites". *Snap* Ok, I have Biotherm hair serum to the rescue. *Don't widen your eyes, Clara. It's Jason - the first one. I wouldn't let Jason 2 invest in anything new.*

Made a trip back to office but it seems everybody's gloomy and busy with their work. For a moment, I thought they would be happy to see me. Somehow I got this feeling I didn't matter. Well, I smiled and take things easy, thinking I'm just being sensitive. Oh well, guess someone's like me have no intrinsic value ba.

No intrinsic value how? Go shopping lor!! *Okay Clara, now feel free let your eyes fall out* I have my eyes on a Bottega bag, Tiffany's ring (gurh.. I'm still very tempted). Then as I changed my clothes, I looked out to the garden opposite. And it occurred to me, why is it always "I wanna buy this... that".. I ought to save for my dreamhouse.

Ahh! Guess the model did some good. I'm becoming ethical towards myself.    >_< "'

Pictures (descending order, from top) in courtesy of Triad watch, shambhala.com, Stu's View.com, About.com, Langley Free Press, Global debate

De one with Silence's No Longer Golden, It's Battle

Black and white

Don't be fooled by its soothing air-conditioned compartments, the sparky-clean glass doors and kiddy displays. Look closer and you'll sight these... At 15 minutes before time-of-battle-commencement, there is already an army of crowd waiting outside, just ready to ambush the location. My eyes did a quick scan for "weapons": There's the Kungfu jacket, artillery of notes, guns of water-bottles. Oh! Looks like we have the offsprings of James Bond here, with their spying spectacles. At times, you might just catch Ninjas swooping in, just in time for attack once the insiders (succumbed to the black-magic of Time) opens the entrance.

On weekends combat, you might just catch little spawns (little children) scattering the surroundings. The lobby is the no-man's land. The stairs are ladders to the empire. The throne? Well, it's all the available sitting space with the tables. Yes, this was the scene just before the neighborhood library opens.. on days where students come to revise from examinations. Sounds like a messy scene from how Taiwanese worshipers compete to be the first to plant their jossticks onto the urn on the first day of Chinese New Year. Lolol.

Well, this semester's ain't that bad. Thankfully. Coz SIM's exams are earlier than NTU and NUS'. So I could step in late around 11am and still there are "throne" for me to claim. Hope that wasn't too unrefreshing for an opening intro.

Exam's round the corner. In fact, it occurs in another 48 hours' time. *Cluttering my fingernails*. I did as much as I could. All day I was studying without food, there was water, drank 1.2 litres today. What an achievement. There was in fact nothing much. My only entertainment? Observing the people around me.

Blam! Let's put some library users on the chopping board shall we? First on the list, we have those uncourteous people who just can't keep their mouths shut. This is a library, not a discussion room for goodness sake.Pretty unethical la. I remember last semester, there were two ah-Tiongs who were cramping for their ACCA papers. They kept discussing aloud, in those high-frequency tones, urgh... at the expense of others who are trying to concentrate. Darn it. Get a room I'd say! I mean it's ok for a couple of minutes but please lar.. not the entire 1 hour. Don't they ever get sensitive of their peaceful surroundings? Hmm.. lets see.. these people ought to be minced!

Then there are some who sits next to you, plug on their ear phones and turn their music up as though they are overly generous with music-sharing. Please. No thanks. I mean, normal people only increase volume to combat the noisy surrounding. We are in the library dude, what's with the ear. Too much dehydrated ear wax I guess. Omg, perhaps they were trying to form a Sahara desert in their ears. Oooh, be careful which the ear when we chop, we wouldn't want the Sahara desert filling the air, wouldn't we?

On a very rare and utterly unfortunate incident, this guy who forgot to bring his eraser, borrowed mine. I think he's some tutor or teacher. Out of goodwill, I was nice enough to lend him for a rub or so. To my horrid, my eraser was abducted and severely extorted. You should have seen the way he used and how he placed my stationary within his perimeters as if it was his. He never even asked if I needed. Sigh. And I thought I never had time to catch the last sight of my dear stationary. Only when I left did he returned it to me. Nevermind. I summon the chopboard! Just skin him and "penyet" ("flatten" in Malay) the bones. Carry on! 

Apart from the above, there were others who are "claustrophobic" (phobia of enclosed space). And what do they do? They impinge on your table space. There was this guy who just lean onto one side. 明明 you still have space on the other side, you still cramp towards my direction. Plus I'm left-handed, you should have offerred space between us. I couldn't condone him, so I purposely place my arm right where it wants to, "chop" my rightful space so to speak. Ok, himbo, I know, but it's my natural right. Disagree and it will be you on the chopping board with the cheese grinder shredding you.

Then there are old uncles who reads newspapers or magazines. The thing which gets on my nerve the loud flipping they seemed to enjoy doing. It's super frustrating. It's like sitting with a cash-counting machine in function. Ah peh, in case you don't know, there is a senior citizen's corner, perhaps you can organise a "See who flips the fastest and loudest competition". Oh boy, that would have been a "not-to-be-missed"! Let's not be cruel to elderly, they could go scotch-free on this.

If ever I had Sylar's powers, I'd shut those school children who came and make alot of noise. *Devious laugh*. Can't blame them for being active and expressive but too much kor kor wouldn't be able to concentrate. Fail exams how? Can I get a refund from your parents? No?! Please bring the sushimi knief out! But I must say, I couldn't help but envy these children who visits the library to study. I wish I could have done that while I was young. If I had, my blog would have been better written. It's not always bad to listen to their childish conversations. Ok, it's bad to evasdrop. But crap, they were speaking so loudly. But too much becomes intolerable. And it's interfering with people trying to concentrate.

Ah hah! Then there is another lot of people I hate most - those who have trouble reading the signs and hearing-impaired. Despite constant reminder "Please make the library a conducive place for reading. We'd appreciate if you could switch off your mobilephones or put it to silent mode. And refrain from speaking loudly in the premises." They don't seemed to bother. Friend calls, still they have the courage to pick up and conversed like nobody's business. Haha.. should inform the librarians and have them sing and dance "I want nobody nobody "like" you. I want nobody nobody "like" you. To be in this pre-mises, you are being inconsiderate. I want nobody nobody nobody nobody". Ok, I am imagining too much. Silt the throat, snipe the tongue. Kway Chap to be serve!!

Yes, silence is no longer golden. It's a battlefield at the library. And.. it seems like a perfect hunting ground for the chopping board platter too.

De one with Bow Tie

Lesson essentials

Ryan asked me how to tie a bow tie.. frankly speaking, I am clueless. Nonetheless I offered help by providing him a fast solution from Youtube. Guys, this is a must-know. Haha.

Don't pull your hairs out if you cant understand the above illustration. No worries, you could try the direct link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nKeuucjpckA&feature=related

De one with All Things Else

Raising a brow?

Enough said about the inner-self exploration.. emo talks and anything "that's blogged and that's it". Let's have this blog shift and discuss about other stuff. I mean, if a drama series is always hovering around one aspect of its character, it'd have been dull boring.

I wouldn't say I'm a saint or an ever-optimistic person. However arts and literature have taught me to see things from different perspectives.

So.. moving on, owing expensive possessions ain't all about narcissism, shopaholicism and being materialistic. The flip side to this displays how one care about appearance so he/she wouldn't have to regard the things they could indulge themselves in. What does a 50 year old does when he owes a stylish Bally's? We move on to other commodities suitable for our demographic stages. Wouldn't think a Tiffany's Atlas diamond ring would suit my aged finger. Sounds like a "it's now or never" thing-ling.

Contentment through ownership is a desire. Yes, it is. Go overboard and it shall be undesirable. However, like I always advise, if you can justify your needs, satisfy your wants and in the midst, derive tokens of joy, why not? Just as long as we don't try to obtain through means of thief or trick.

Enough is never enough. This type of contentment is what we call "indulgence". The ongoing craze? We wouldn't be leaving shopping out of dicussion.

Shopping - an activity often perceived as long-hours of walking till the feet aches and tonnes of bags from retail shops which never fails to drive most guys insane, either the boredom from waiting for his partner's behaviour or the big hole these stuff which he'd carrying burns in his pocket or wallet, and the worst part being none of which belongs to him.

Actually, the agonising part about shopping was never about the feet ache, carrying heavy shopping bags or practicing mental sums before you consider the purchase or not. It is the disappointment from coming across something you want and not being able to owe it. I know this, which is why I'll get it, if its within my means, so that my friends could have what they want.

Then again, the wealthy is only as miserable as the pauper. Buying alot of stuff just means you have to go through the hussle of storing all those purchase. Haha.

What is an ideal shopping buddy? *Finger to chin* I suppose he/she must be supportive. Being near you when you need opinion or to give you the final push when you find yourself sitting on the fence about colors, choices, design, etc. Absolutely, he/she must understand you well enough to know what is "you" or not. You could brush the above aside, most importantly, we love each other's accompany. To describe everything down in words might be inappropriate coz reality entails alot of externalities. Personally, as long my shopping buddy enjoys shopping as much as I do and spend, it'd be splendid.

Oh, if you like a person who gives you opinion, you've found the right person! Aku aku! (means "me" in Malay).

Shopping doesn't have to be patronising and coming out of Tiffanys, Raoul, or Paragon stores.. you could purchase stuff from shops which are running charitable programmes. Even though it means paying more, you are actually contributing to charity or else, paying for an ethical cause. I heard what BodyShop and Starbucks did was they actually teach less-off-countries how to grow the ingredients. In turn they purchase at higher-than-market price so that these needies have a revenue source. Naturally, the cost have to be passed on to consumers. If a little portion goes back for some charities cause, why not?

So what have you been buying these days? Myself, I have nothing much except re-inventory of toiletories like talc, Biotherm and cologne. As well as dinning out. I've been contemplating a new diamond ring, either half circle or an eternity ring. Which I thought through for 2 days before concluding I shouldn't. All things else, I realise I'm lacking a plated watch. Saw one at Agnes B. Their black-plated watches are simply cool. That's a good choice. But honestly, I am time-tight. Oh, I need a laptop. Most probably a Macbook.

Ooookay, seems like the entry's getting longwinded. I guess I better stop. Rest your eyes.

De one with Visitation

Serving the purpose of my name: Jason

It feels weird to be reading Mitch Albom's latest book about a Rabbit dying of cancer and the fact that I'm on my way to hospice to pay a visit to Ivan's grandpa.

I thought my close friend who'd be going together coz I'm not really close to Ivan. But i didn't know why something in me told me I'd have to go alone (perhaps I had had a gut feeling Clara wouldn't be turning up). So here I am, carrying a flower basket with fruits and stayed for a 30 - 45 minutes talk with Ivan.

The old patient was sleeping like a baby. On certain occasions he would turn here and there in bed, kicking off the blanket to reveal his feet and reaching for covers over his shoulders to keep warm. He looked small, somewhat reminding me of my paternal aunt whom I visited late at night after an unusual call from my uncle after supper with my colleagues at Chinatown. Perhaps the old shrink in size when the end is near. It's heartbreaking.

Ivan tells how his grandpa had contracted lungs and brain cancer due to decades of smoking. Well, it's inevitable but what to do, the damage is irreversible and "enemy" was in its terminal stage.

In fact, I didn't know clearly what to expect from the visitation. I asked how is he.. He seems and replied to be coping well. Likewise for his family. Everyone knows except the patient himself as they didn't want to devastate the old man nor his deteriorating health. I was pretty much concerned with the soulmate, Ivan's grandma, who's living along and refuses to move in with any of her children.

Perhaps I am sensitive, I find myself relating to these feelings coz I've been through these. Just that my friend had it fortunate to have the time to prepare themselves. My experiences occurred out of the sudden and everything had to be arranged in short notices before you had time to react to shock and grief.

Well, life, ageing, sickness and death are cycles in life. There is nothing much about how to deal with the prior end coz natural reaction and acceptance would take care of that. It's most important how families cope with the aftermath which is unpredictable and scary. Especially when one holds the grief till the very end. I'm really glad my friend's doing well. I really am. Just wish the pain wouldn't lurk too long and deep. It'd be unforgivingly tormenting.

De one with Heroes 3

Lethargic

I swear I was gonna study but the exciting episodes of Heroes 3 were to blame. It distracted me!! For guys and gals who love the X-men, you'd love this contemporary series about supernaturals and linkage to the solar eclipse. I love the jigsaw-plots. You just can't stop at a few to get what the show's trying to say. Darn you H3 for being so freaking good! Lol.

Picture (right) in courtesy of www.hitfix.com

De one with Exposed

Haunt of the dignity

What happened to all that's good in me? That very thought sneaked suspiciously into my mind as I stared at the romantic skyline of our small nation and the unique torn-lighten structure of the Esplanade structure before me. The air was warm around where I was. Not with my love, not a date but with a supportive friend who suggested Orgo (a "bar and lab" at the Esplanade rooftop). Tonight was Thursday. The last day of work before I went on leave for exams preparation. Coincidentally, Thursday became a "friends night".

James texted me for dinner just before I decide to wait to leave office later since my appointment with Howie wouldn't be until then. I packed up in a hast, ran through some work my colleague was consulting me and hopped into a cab only to arrive 20 minutes late. Feeling guilty I offered to get the tab for our Akashi restaurant dinner. The food was good. Sadly, if only the service was equally good as the average ambiance as well as its fine ingredients. This girl literally snatched the tea cup from my friend for refill, without asking while we were talking. Oh yes, James was pissed. I bet I saw the steam evaporating from his newly cut hair.

Everything was well, except the good in being punctual and patient seemed to have left without a trace in me. I used to be punctual. Being a minute late was a taboo and it would ache my panicky heart as the adrenaline to arrive earlier would pulsed rapidly through my nerves. Without dignity, I no longer feel as intensely as ever when I am late. Perhaps my conscience was debatingly defeated with reasons for being late. Or excuses I wonder.

Characteristic latter, Patience shadowed its above-mentioned relative, like a loose button which detached itself from the shirt of its owner who hadn't paid attention. The ancient Christian story depicts about how Adam of Eden ate the apple and have evil transcend into mankind. Logic is the every "evil" in my life, well.. in this context of discussion. Discovery and subsequent recognition of consumer sovereignty, a reasoning which diminishes my patience. Patience for service to be delivered, ordering to be placed, the food to be served, bill to come.

Like a siren effect upon a drunken guy as the alcohol flush his cheeks and numbs the brain, goodness traits away...

Lately, I questioned whether I am making use of people or letting people into my life. I ask them for dinner, agree to their invitations. And for what? To really spend quality time? Or just to fill the slightest vacancy in pulse of life so that I wouldn't be reminded of how lonely I could become. Or worse, am I subjecting myself to socialising to assure that I'm not impaired of goodness. And pathetic as it reads, communication was a means of getting goodness back into me again.

Clara says I heap the empty slots in life through material spending on Swarovski crystals, Tiffany and diamonds earrings, colognes and facial products. I tored myself, shred these layers of coolness, smiley faces, glamor and who did I find? Don't think seven-month ghost stories.. Just a naked little boy, tears streaked down his cheeks. He kneels at a corner of a glass-casing. Walls laid with mirrors which are old, shabby and it inflates how you look. Both hands were clenched. After much effort of convincing, the reluctant boy opens his right hand. It was bruised, blistered and battered. Astonishingly, in the middle of the palm lies a heave sack of needles buried in flames. The owner whimpers something. I had to asked again to make out what he faintly whispered.. He repeats clearly that he's waiting for the right moment for an extraordinary light to shine, dissipate the pricking needles to reveal a golden thread and needle.

I still didn't understand.

As though he knew I was curious, he held out his left arm in a cautious manner, as though a boy was asked to surrender his hand for a punishment. His teary eyes never left my face as he did so. There... a delicate flower with its outer layer frosted. It blooms open like a mimosa leaf, some thin ice along its edges defrosted and vaporised - heartaching sight as it unfolds to decipher the streaks of electricity in all fanciful colors anyone could imagine.

The visions before my eyes puzzled me. My mind was as blank as snow-white paper sheet until the reflections in the mirrors pointed me to look at a common point. It was the left chest. Surprisingly, a squarish lid. I reached for it but in vain. He retracted from my reach, trembling..

I was maddening. Frustrated with no help in the truth. I did what I normally do: I back off as though I've gave up trying. The boy saw me back-paddled and finally out into the light, convinced it was safe to do so by my retreating gesture. As though he meant console, he tapped me with his toe to get my attention. The lid opened and.. a picture of a orgami heart, part of it tattered but mend it crumps of $50 Singapore dollar note. The blue-printed Yusof Ishak's face was visible.

It made sense finally.

I trust many are familiar with the Wizard of Oz. If I could relate myself with any of the characters in the magnificent tale, I'd most likely be the Tin Man. A yearner for a living heart. A heart that delivers joys and psychiatric sparks to my life. It is almost impossible to have both arms pressed against each other. The extreme fire and frost would only cause unimaginable pain. The volts and needles would self-destruct themselves and the golden thread to mend the real heart would be lost. I am like an Autobot without the All-spark.

Biology teaches us we cant live without a beating heart cause it avail bloodflow, essential for distributing oxygen. The brain can't survive and courage wouldn't be present.

Love isn't everything. Friends does. And I feel bad because I can't trust myself to even know who I am, and I keep feeling nobody genuinely cares about me. Its like a door shut. Inaccessible to anything. It's highly doubtful bacteria could permeate through. What an irony.

Friends are enough but never enough. This is when found my childhood friend, Mr Loneliness who secretly told me he brought luggage and stay.

I had to react. No, I didn't join Dorothy on her quest to some West witch. My wits tells me Mr Loneliness would avoid other attributes like Fun and Achievements. So I work, pieced my ear twice, got myself drunk and unfortunate part, I didn't seemed to get drunk even having consumed a mango margarita and my favourite strawberry daiquiri. I tell you, $18 for a large cocktail-glass with at least 5 cm tall of blended ice soaked with alcohol. Drinking gives me liver problem. Loo warned I'll get addicted. But I ain't.

But honestly, I never fail to deny. And I confess now, goodness was replaced because of these stupid things I've done. And I never stop hating myself for these. I used to laugh at the famous and "approved" Kumar's joke on his drag-shows. I guess I laughed partly because I was amused with the talent-talker's humour. The other part would involved laughing at myself: I am not a native, I don't speak like a machine-gun.. yet I am freakingly-helplessly looking for a full-stop for all these undesirable misery I'm putting myself through. Dear goodness.

De one with Sealed for Salvage

A hui hoe (means "Till we meet again" in Hawaiian)

As though premonitions foreseen, as the untold turned reality.
The kind, fairly-smart, and funny broke their hearts into 17 pieces.
And crystalised into seals of joy.
Fragile in any state still, the power of love dormant.
Until the one true deservee appears,
It shall reside in glass of exquisi-tige.

De one with Going Back and Forth into Closet

My Johnny Swarovski's finally good to come home

I nearly quit today. Wild thoughts riding with my abyss of emotions whirled inside my head like a complex cluster and series of roller-coasters in commencement: There was one which raise my brow whether I should just type a resignation letter, print and submit everything on the spot in office; Another appeared like a shooting star, glittering caution about getting a job before tendering; Like an interruption from a "satellite" brainwaves away, another howled I ought to proceed a job-hunt; A leaf of thought fluttered consideration whether I ought to discuss how I feel with someone; A breeze delivered wisdom of financial needs to keep up my higher-than-average lifestyle expenses; Out of nowhere, a sprinkle of prompting worries how I'd have to go through with the "break the news" part; and in the end, I backpedal. Perhaps I got hold of myself and imprisoned all these nonsenses, like plastering clay to mend a water-crack of a broken ceramic water vase.

* picture in courtesy of Meaningful Distraction.blog

Trust me, 10 decibel of concentration and a nervous breakdown would have occurred. Thank goodness my gift to calm myself down proved its capability. I shut off those horrible thoughts, calmed myself down and just as I knew the remedy would come, I had a chat with my manager and everything's green again. Another cock-up day due to my carelessness in work i must say. Something which came crawling back after nearly 6 months ago.

But it was ok now. But I can't deny I was really incompetent. And I hate this cause knowing so only made me feel so small which diminishes my pride in existence.

In fact, that drowned the joys from completing most of my portfolio. Seriously I have the slightest ideal how I was struggling, losing track a month ago and at present, I actually sit around office without much stress, feeling clean and light. But I guess there must be a balance of good and bad moments. Which could have consolingly decipher the undesirabliness this afternoon.

"Oh there is a time for everything", I left work early and found my feet bringing me to Ikea. I just needed to get this new bedsheets which I saw at Ikea Tampines last weekendLook at this, they actualy have this warehouse scene (something I thought I would only get to see in Australia or client's place)

when I accompanied A to the petfarm and subsequently, stopping ourselves at Ikea. It was a navy blue which scarce flora in yellow print. Something different from the existing black and white spiral, colourful Trojan horse prints, and cream coloured sheep design.

But oh well, I got two instead of one cause I couldn't make up my mind if there blue and yellow was the right one when I developed a spontaneous liking for the pleasant-to-the-eyes and sweet light blue and white sheets for my quilt. Darn it.

Oh my way home, Swarovski called. It certainly brought a happy finale to the evening as the final piece of my precious is coming home, after 3 weeks of servicing (the wire-whip of cowboy Kris bear, Johnny, was detached from the cystal-arm during the shipment from my seller in Netherlands). *Sigh of relieve*, my glamourous and heart-melting collection of 17 Swarovski Kris bears are ultimately complete.

It only prove one thing, "Good things comes least expected"

By night, James texted me about going zoo this Sunday. Wuao. Another good thing coz another jerky-friend cancelled on me past weekend. Nothing confirmed but ya, it feel nice to be "acknowledged" of my wishes.

I continued reading Mitch Albom's latest book, Have a Little Faith. At the same time, I was watching Brothers & Sisters (Mohan, you are right, it is a terrific show). And I sort of figured myself. I was always complaining about things I could do and want, but all along, I've been throwing myself into procastination. As much as I felt relieved that I was closer to the truth, as though toothpicking some vegetable stuck in between the teeth, couldn't help but teared when the actualisation of how much good things I have missed and oversight from my past.

I knew for sure what I want and how I should do getting what I want. For example, I wanna be sociable, I can. I have the skills and I have been withdrawing myself because I was afraid of the tiring part of getting to know each other again. You know, the process of knowing a new person. Getting over your territorial self and letting others in.

I dialled Jer up and kinda told him what happened on Saturday when we were supposed to meet up for late movie which was never put into action. I felt I owe him an explanation because it is unfair to have the other person getting angry and trying to guess or make out the situation. I've been there, like how Clara would express, "been there, done that" (though I'm not trying to mean it in an arrogant manner), I pretty much didn't want others to go through these unpleasantness.

I guess so much for a Buddhist teaching which is true - "the greatest battle is that against yourself". Wait, was that even Buddhism? Ha, pardon me if I am wrong, I'm not religious, though I respect them for what they are. Well, I suppose being answerable to myself is a key to making my life content. Of course, life's never contentful enough. There exist a limitness universe of wants and needs unattained, as what economist, Karl Max said. Enough is never enough. We keep moving forward for more once we are passed previous levels of satisfaction.

"Aint no mountain high enough", yes! I'm gonna sing it like Whoopie Goldberg. For what's worth, I am finally feeling I'm figuring a tiny bit of me. Like what And advised.

Just to sidetrack, ever notice what goes around at your house? I stepped out to the kitchen, feeling lethargic and abit moody until I came upon this floor mat which was unexpectedly adoringly-amusing. Awww.. just look at that.

Couldn't believe it's been in existence for months and only made its discovery until today! And I thought I only got to see this entertaining sight on Sunday mornings, 8:30 am show! Oh. my. gurd.

De one with Leaving

Go go..

There is always communion as well as parting. Am sure these occassions are not unfamiliar to us. So happens today was one of my colleague's final 8 hours with the company I'm currently working it. This happened before but..this time.. perhaps i was feeling alittle sendimental.

Don't get me wrong. Its purely professional. Just..how should I describe this better. It's like building a card-stack and one card just decides to go wobbling. It's the kinda disappointing.

Oh well, but I just have to put on my normal smile and give my graciousness. As much as it's unbearable, I just have to suck up to it and take things in my stride.

The blue butterfly settled momentarily on my right index finger, it must have picked up flora scent. Knowing its nature. Clipping its fragile wing would be cruel. I gently moved my finger, and the delicate creature flipped its magnificent wings, as though waving goodbye, before it spring flight. And gradually disappear in sight. 

De one with the Thin Line Between Friends and Partners

Resolutions

What disappoints me most is when people misinterpret you, and others who conceal themselves (like they have this self-induced imaginery curtain veil over their agendas and desires) right from the beginning. Yes, it is understandable to be polite and "protected" when we first get to know each other, as we are uncertained about how others would react to our true self and who are really are. I never had this problem. Well, not presently. I am comfortable with others. Except when I'm tired, I get alittle quiet and just scrap through the conversation coz it is pretty draining for me when I have to amplify my voice and give thoughts to whatever we are discussing.

L was alright but nowhere close enough. The best part of human interraction is building relationships and communications. Not commitments. Just accustoms. Imagine you've been using a new pencil leads and it keeps breaking and giving you problems from making use of it. It's.. feels like you just wanna struggle somebody's neck.

Hendri and I discussed this in our conversations while we were dining at my favourite restaurant. And considered my span with Clara, LW, Mohan, Qing, James, I guess I've developed to become a friend who's cares and behave genuinely a friend and even more. I don't mind paying for your dinner coz I don't think friends should be calculative over such trivial matters. When you feel scared at movies, you could cling to me. I go the extra mile to make surprises for you and well, even provide my shoulders and hugs to console you when you feel down. No, not promoting the deeds I've done.

Take Clara for example. When I'm out, sometimes I come across stuff she likes and just drop it into my tray without much validation. For her recent birthday, I bought this book which she exclaimed her liking while we were browsing at PageOne. It teaches you paper craft, making boxes and other containers for gifts. To have it wrapped in plain wrapper just insincere enough. I got tired of boxes and ribbons. So I spent over 3 hours, making a customised box-cover with engraved design (see below). It was one of the best birthday present I ever gave. The gift + packaging + sincerity + meaning. Full-scored perfection I'd say.

What Hendri asked was what's the difference between friends and life partners. I told him without hesitation, friends are everything the same, there is love and obligations, minus initimate physical actions, more affections and he/she's as important as my family. I wouldn't mind taking bullets for my partner man. And someone I won't get sick waking up to see, that very moment I open my eyes. A partner would be someone I find myself confiding too. Also, never in my life would I have to worry that he/she wouldn't stand up to defend or hold me when I am in trouble or distress.

If better, we could move in together. So we could complain about everything that happened at work, and love the things we hate about each other. That's true couples I guess.

Another difference between friends and lovers would be underlied by the time we spent together. Preferably, the time with lovers should be lengthier compared with friends. However, this is impractical coz friendships seemed to have lasted long majorly because it was built way before any love relationship (or considering in my case) was established.

*Takes a deep breath and exhales* Like myself would say and tell others, love comes at moments least expected. I am not looking for love. On the contrary, more hard-foundation friendships. And see where it goes.