Evening, mama shared some news about my granny's condition when I arrived home from my visit at the hospital. The doctor had a discussion with my uncle and her in the afternoon. He says there is a possibility that ah ma's bone marrow might have been dysfunction. It probably explains why her blood level is always falling below average despite infusion of 3 packets of blood over the past few days.
The doctor would seek the cardiologists' opinion, have ah ma undergo scans and subsequently, endorscopy (inserting tube with miniprobe to view the inside of the body), which ah ma objected.
The news came with a thud. It was my heart which sank immediately. My mind turned cold. I couldn't help but unleash the fear within me..
During shower, my thoughts ran into chaos, a million voices wailing "It (departure of another family) is not going to happen! I wouldn't allow" repeatedly, over and over again. Heart ache like mad.
I hate myself. I hate for not being in control of such events. Although I keep telling myself I shouldn't think of the worst, I just couldn't help being crumpled by the fact that she's not recovering. Now this.. it's like never-ending fatal medical problems affecting my loved ones.
Can't believe I'm sobbing as I blog. Silly silly me.. If I could, I'd forbear whatever life I have for my future, euthanise myself and transpose all my remaining life and health to them. Seriously, I don't mind, I wouldn't even have any split second thoughts about this!
The doctor would seek the cardiologists' opinion, have ah ma undergo scans and subsequently, endorscopy (inserting tube with miniprobe to view the inside of the body), which ah ma objected.
The news came with a thud. It was my heart which sank immediately. My mind turned cold. I couldn't help but unleash the fear within me..
During shower, my thoughts ran into chaos, a million voices wailing "It (departure of another family) is not going to happen! I wouldn't allow" repeatedly, over and over again. Heart ache like mad.
I hate myself. I hate for not being in control of such events. Although I keep telling myself I shouldn't think of the worst, I just couldn't help being crumpled by the fact that she's not recovering. Now this.. it's like never-ending fatal medical problems affecting my loved ones.
Can't believe I'm sobbing as I blog. Silly silly me.. If I could, I'd forbear whatever life I have for my future, euthanise myself and transpose all my remaining life and health to them. Seriously, I don't mind, I wouldn't even have any split second thoughts about this!
