De one with Resilience

Hazy and warm

Don't know why but everytime I blog, I have an urge to start it by counting the number of days since the breakup. Apparantly, thanks to all the concern and encouragement of my existing and new found friends, I managed to supress "J"ason and gained my senses. I don't know..perhaps it's the beginning in another life chapter? Most probably, it is...

I do admit there will be times "J"ason take over the mind. Fabricating and analysing possibilities to achieve the long-forgotten and impossible desires. As much as I want to sip into the unconscious mind again, I pull myself back again and keep persuading myself to be rational, sensible.. and ultimately, to let go...

Met -A- a week after my breakup, we had a heart-to-heart chat after dinner at S-11, AMK central. -A- said I need to control my emotions and advised me (like what everybody has been saying) that you can't put 100% heart and soul into a relationship. That will be total suicide just by jumping into it blindly. It also made me realise things are not as simple and clear as the innocence in me is telling me so. I really hate being so superficial and cautious of people taking advantage of my genuinity and gulliblity.

Furthermore, I also realised, Time really heals some of the wounds and makes me forget about a person I used to love so much, gradually. It's not really about not thinking about my ex but rather, it was the force of letting another person into my life. As I found a new love, it enables me to fill my loneliness and enable me to utilise the passion to this new love.

Today I went jogging in the morning, I realised.. why people cry isn't entirely because the rejected person is at a loss of what to do next. A breakup is heart-breaking because you have not had the chance to recover and retrieve your feelings for a person. Yet you're already "cut off" and forced to be left suspended around the "peak" period when the other party who brought up the break-up have completely finished his/her cycle of loving you.

An example to illustrate this better would be like watching a movie. 3/5 or 3/4 throught the show, the movie got cut off and we're forced to leave.

That's why the feeling of loss comes into the picture because the rejected ones have to recover themselves.. to decrease their feelings (in completion of their cycle of love for that relationship)..alone.

Well.. life still goes on. It's really tough climbing out of the deep cliff I've fallen into. Sometimes I might just slip my grip and fall lower.

I've been studying. Exams are drawing close. Stress is building up resultably. Sigh. Non-excusable however it's really tough, coping with exams preparation and dealing with my unsettled emotion-chaos.

I'm intending to do what I can. Finally embarked on my journey to prepare myself for exams. At AMK library, I managed to finish studying 3 chapters of Accounting: Statement of Cash Flows (which I've started yesterday and the day before), Accounting Equation, Balance Sheet. As planned, I completed marketing Chpt 1 and Macroeconomics: PPC and scarcity, GDP, Unemployment and inflation. Phew...

For a moment, my mind strayed and reminded myself of the person who broke my heart.. Omg..wasted some of my revising time. I sober up and continued studying.

I had Subway takeaway for dinner after meeting Jessamine at J8 to pass her something. I realised I'm influenced by Sweet in alot of ways. Subway became my favourite fast-food restaurant. Grew to love Honey Oat loaf.. and red wine vinegrette.. Sigh.. *sobs*

All in all, it's really hard to forget... but hey, I'm moving on.. Just need more time for resilience
Archa Archa Archa!