De one with Still... (color-coded edition)

Doubts, argument, regret and tears from de heart

Two days in a day's weather...

Friday everything was good. Skipped half day of lecture just to be with Sweet. It's irrational but it's an urge to spend more time. A gateaway...with Sweet. Went sun bathing. Everything was like a typical sunny day to begin with.

Afternoon, we went to Westmall do lunch at Mayim. I got my idol's lastest CD. "Still Fantasy". I was supposed to be overjoyed. I was. However, Sweet spoil it all, asking whether is it neccessary to listen to the newly bought cd after having importing the songs into my ipod mini.

:: Funny.. Everytime I'm sad, I'll feel better after listening to Jay Chou's songs. However now... today.. haiz.

Though night came, it feels like calming late-afternoon. We had a simple dinner at Ang Mo Kio Central's hawker. Went home to have a lovely night together.

The next day, though the sun shined all day.. the entire day feels like night time. Early morning I was doubtful. Sweet and I had an argument. In which Sweet really said something very hurting. At the instant, I learnt something for that moment. Gracefully, I was brave enough to let Sweet go...instead of holding on to Sweet like a child refusing to let go of his toy..

Of course, we didn't go seperate ways. Went to Suntec for lunch at Sizzler. Fruit Salad and grilled Dory Fish. After that, went to see joit-stick incense at Fu Lu Shou Building before proceeding to Capitol.

Went Funan Centre to walk around and shop for a folder casing for my lappy. In vain, both of us decided to have a resting stop at TCC.

Took 2 buses for prayers at the Thai temple at Bukit Merah. This time round, I really prayed to the 4-faced Deva wholeheartedly. Inside my heart, I was crying out.. for the Great Brahma to cure me of my obsessive pocessiveness, pessimistism. It was the very first time, I made a donation, in hope of making my prayers valid. That moment, I was really overwhelmed with helplessness and desperation for my imperfectness and any immoral deeds and thoughts.

Watched Singapore Dreaming at Westmall. It was a close-to-hearts for most adult Singaporeans. It presents the pragmatism "dreams and desire" in our life: Wealth, Material wants, status and acedemic achievement. It features how we cope with our adversaries and in times of bad, especially the emotional and pyschological impact the unexpectable departure of our loved ones. I was shakened by the scenes of the customs and rituals depicted. It beared so much resemblance that I couldn't help shedding tears from de heart. Of course, I was holding my tears again.

On my way home, I got something rid from my chest to Sweet.... we had an argument. The storm begin. I lost my rationality and did something which I didn't want to: I went down to Sweet's house..to clear things up..which was really foolish. I really regret my grave mistake and incontrollable act of foolishness...

I always feel whatever I do, it's always as if i'm responsible for others, especially the one I love alot. As a result, indirectly, I feel so committed, I end up doing things or saying things which only hurts the relationship. I always feel inadequate about myself. Like no matter how much I do is never enough. I break down alot of times. I love to cry. Especially so, silently.

Nobody knows how miserable I feel inside because I never shed a tear nor express it on my facial appearance...

It's suffocating. As if I'm in an unlimited debt to love and the person who I hold so dearly to my heart. Everytime I quarrel or get screwed by Sweet, I feel utterly insecure. It's so fearful. As if if I let go, it will be as though someone slicing off a large piece of my heart. What's left of me is profused flooding blood of despair..which will never end..

It's me, not you, who don't know how to love a person geuinely..again..

:: Great..what a big loser I am..Yesterday made Sweet angry.. early morning, ah-ma is showing her displease over me leaving the house in the middle of the night without telling her.. I'm better off dead..