De one with My Brother

Smoky day

The white window sheets seemed to have come alive, spots of the evening sun flickered through the patterned gaps on the sheets, as if to add sparkles to the divine-looking sight. I gazed across the unconcealed part of the window, caught a peek at the water-blue skies, felt the breeze and conjured memories of my younger brother, Jimson.

Like the aquarius fills his jar with water, the image of Jimson in his wheelchair form from smoke as I looked upon my lazy hand, outstretched over the boundaries of my bed. I recalled the time I had fell sick, in bed and there was my younger brother, beside me and sayang-ing with his tiny hands, until he fell asleep.

I remembered how jealous I was when he arrived at home but all hostility melted away when my family got me to hold him in my boyish hands.

Jimson was born with down-syndrome, something the family didn't get bothered at all. I treated him normal, played rough games with him, helped him at special school. I remembered the vexing days when I was undergoing puberty, having to deal with all the unpleasant changes within my body, emotions and bearing the frustration of my mummy, trying to feed breakfast to my brother, who was throwing tantrum all the time.

My mind recollected my secondary school holidays when my granny faced deteriorating health and thus unable to fetch and accompany my younger brother at his school. And I had to replace her, followed him to school in a catered school bus and roam around MacPherson, trying to spend hours, finding a place and reading "Harry Potter and the Philosopher Stone".

Jimson loved mini toy cars. I even deprive myself of pocket money, some NSpay to buy these as presents occasionally.

Later, I recalled applying for NS leave, to visit my younger brother, who had to undergo a surgery to correct his spine problems, a hard decision my mummy had to make, pinning hopes for him to be able to walk again.

I remembered the painful memories of being helpless the night Jimson turned blue in the middle of the night, having troubles breathing as if he had stroke. I recalled waiting anxiously outside the A&E. It was really hurtful. I remembered holding my tears at the ICU, until such a point the ECG screen marked a straight line to indicate the end of Jimson's life journey.

I braved it all, the heartache and memorable moments. He was a joyful person, highly sociable and everything that I loved to be but wasn't innated with. I loved him more than words to say, despite there are times I dreaded him. Being the elder child, I thought my parent's most worry is him. Turns out, mummy's greatest worry was the both of us.

When people asked about him, I'd usually smile and say i'm alright to talk about him. 'D even say I'm proud and blessed to have him for a brother, albeit my nonsensical wish of having a twin brother. Deep down, I missed him infinitely. So happens, today, I'm missing him so much, tears brimmed my eyes as I blogged about this.