De one with Dance

Short-lived Saturday

Saturday was lazily passed. Morning woke up late for breakfast. Mostly to blame for yesterday's past-midnight return from work. Shortly after eating, I fell asleep on the sofa, until afternoon when my discipline exercised control (thank goodness!) to get me working on the tax project. Actually I was supposed to start this week. However, office's is too much, by the time I arrived home, i was too tired to start anything except sleep.

The skies begun to tear around delayed my plans for a jog. However, I managed for a quickie but was delayed till seven by my selection of clothes and socks. By the time I dined with Clara, we were left with only 25 minutes before walking to the Esplanade. Humph, all thanks to my lateness, I didn't managed to get my Biotherm product. There goes my face.

Fortunately, the dance performance "Interview with Palace Ghost" was invitingly interesting. It's different, new experience with contemporary art. My first time in fact! I've been to concert, live band performance, plays, piano concert, art galleries, musicals but never a dance performance! It's truly an eye-opener. The dance is mainly set on a mysterious setting. Not errie as it name may sound. Not trying to be a smart Alex but I think dance is about interpretation. It's amazing what the human body can do to express with its movements. Every detail..even a flick of the toe means something.

But I thought the dance wasn't really perfect. Nonetheless, further research reveal the dance reflects the old dance movements and pageantry of the Javanese Court. Like I'd said, interesting right?! There were segments like strings concertos, "Man-breast inchantation", "Painting Cloth with Clouds"... Well, it took alot of effort spent on figuring what the dance were about.

Some cessation of immortality or banishments must have taken place. Else, why'd the Heavens be weeping for such long time. The both of us braved the flooded path at Orchard. To our disappointment, all the shopping malls were closed. No biotherm!.. Heaven must have been weeping for me.

Apparantly, alot occured during the day. I'm just glad weekend isn't as dull as usual. Besides, the stressful week demands this day for recharge.

De one with Screamingly Speaks

Breaking silenceThe Scream by Edvard Munch (1893)

Notwithstanding my usual complaints, people who hang around me had better known I tend to keep quiet while they have rowdy conversations. Especially when we sit around a big table.

There are a number of reasons to this..

1: It's our first time meeting. I guess it is a norm I tend to observe more than having to say something offensive.

2: I'm dead tired.

3: The conversation bores me.

Charles White (1945) >>

Epiphany has its miraculous effect on humans. Consequently, a psychological reaction follows. Effecting some brave, eccentric, out of the norm action. Same with me. Which is why, Jason speaks today.

Work's very slow moving and the day pass like a misty cloud. I feel exposed of my incapabilities at work as Gabriel asked me about UMP and the demoralising pile of reviewed work on my desk. Those chunks of green handwrittings of Gabriel's looks as though they screamed, smearing my thin facial moisturiser and tearing my complexion until it bleed with substance of dismay and bits of the skull reveals, nothing but guilt.

Even at discussion, the junior staff supersedes me in knowledge. I felt like an useless bum. Yes, I'm not afraid to admit (never had trouble being honest about things I don't know), I'm a dumb. Empty headed. And why? Plainly because I'm a himbo.

I'm sensitive. Hence I indulge myself into calming thoughts and self-created philosophies to tame my wild thoughts. I do stuff like jogging, reading, drawing and blogging to concentrate. To feel better. I buy stuff to be in control.

The last thing I have always neglected was to confront this shagged and vacant brain I possess. Now this is the missing link in my incomplete and imperfect life.

I have a naive mind. Regretfully, no innocent but naive. Mostly attributed by the fact that I have grown up in a protected environment. Even till now, people have me under their wings. People don't come to me for help. Even when they do, I couldn't do any much because I'm so.. inadequate. Ha.

Ever tired ambitioning myself with new experiences to challenge and hope it will improve myself. Apparantly, some achieved but not efficient. The rest failed to materialised.

If I'd use one thing to describe how I am now.. it'd be a blank screen. Nothing better than that.

Is this pessimistism? Perhaps. I'm proned. Is there any opportunistic life encounters I may meet to safeguard me from this plunging pit of self-destruction? Can I don't continue to be so stupid?

Too exhausted to think.. -_-''' Perhaps I am badly in need of something to cheer me on

De one with What's Up Saturday?

24 in exactly 6 months' time

What's up with your Saturday? Spending time with your loved ones? Work? Or catching up with colleagues and friends like Clara? Or studying hard like Mohan in Europe? Or playing sports and hockey like Chin Yu? Attended morning seminars like GH and Zhen Ze? Or studying, photo-shooting and drinking starbucks like D?

Aaah, looks like everybody's occupied.. Me? Nothing's up with Saturday except rushing to school in a cab for nothing. Super embarassing. I actually thought lecture starts at 1pm. In fact, it starts an hour later. I was sure of the LT but when I arrive, the students in there and the lecturer were unfamiliar. Panicking, I texted everyone to confirm the LT venue. Not until Darren's reply did I realise my malfunctioned memory and folly! O.M.G.

The entire week I didn't go out. *Mohan!! My shopping buddy!!* Clara back at home since she came back from her disappointing holiday at Langkawi. Despite not having went out, my purchase never seemed to cease. Overjoyed I got myself a new waterbottle - White SIGG! It's one damn handsome bottle. Woohoo! Am sure the rest of the plastic waterbottles will drop dead meeting mine!

Next I got facial products. Kinda doubtful having spent 95 bucks on this latest Biotherm product after reading it's targetted at men over 50. Man.. wasted. Think I'll give it to my Daddy.

What else did I get..lets see... Shhh.. ok, Clara's gonna kill me if she hears this.. a bag polish from Ballys.

Well, think that's it. I have been out at clients place the week before, this week and the next two weeks. And lunches alone has costs me around 200+ this two weeks. Sigh. Even eating at foodcourts easily cost 5-6 bucks.

Since last Wednesday, I developed the phobia of going back to office. Reb asked if I am avoiding boss. I just smiled and said "no la". However, my mind was filled with quesiton marks.

De one with Not Cut Out to Be

Bad day

Today I went back to office to clear my CORCC. Spare some issues and referencing works to be done, it was generally ok. Reb even recommend others to draw reference to the filling up of the audit programme in my file. Rachel (CORCC accounts manager) called me, we had some laughs, brightening my day. Afternoon, my colleague treated us KFC for the baby-angbao we contributed to her. Didn't eat much, in my mind i was thinking of how delayed my schedule was (since I ought to be at my client's place so I could finish what I've planned). Man, I hate wasting my time and being obstructed from what I've organised.

The day stretched till evening. Gabriel ask me into the room and begin the brutal "interrogation" for UMP. It was badly done.

There are alot of issues he pointed out which I should have investigated into but I failed. Followed by a string of questions "Why this, why that" only to arrive at my speechlessness or inflict of oppressed self-confidence. So bad to a degree there were tears filling the brim of my eyes.

He didn't scold me of course. Nevertheless, his questions were enough to crumple my belief that live up to the job. Every time I couldn't answer his factual queries, it further detriments my pride. I didn't have the facts (which I did gather 5 months ago) to defend myself. I knew the delay of my proof of evidences for defence further detriment my ability in the job. And it was so bluntly gave-away in my work. Saddening.

I ever considered if the audit failure is due to me not having brought the issue out earlier as that time, Reb were busy with Lab1. I had no one to turn to. So I had to beared my teeth and did it alone. The next thing I knew, the file went straight into Gab's room for review.

Further to this, the acounting issues were my first time encounters. It's a new client and most of the time, I sepnt alot of effort gathering information which I could possibly get, concentration to tie the usual things. There are certain matters I could sense the problem however I had difficulty collecting info as the documents were long-past.

Then, I shoved all this from my mind, clearing the cloud of excuses and questioned my true capability. Nothing. I cried, in my heart.

Jason knows he ought not and mustn't be emo. I just couldn't deal, hence I have decided to type everything here and abandon these negativities inside here and move on. Perhaps.. I'm not cut out to be what I am doing..

De one with Toasted Sunday

Very warm

Is it global warming aggravated recently? Else why is it so warm today. Literally feels being in an oven-toasted. Mentioning about burning. My entire Sunday afternoon was "toasted" wrapping up COR - CC audit in office.

Yea, you must be wondering why am I slogging so hard for the Company. Let me explain, I wasn't lying about the super tight schedule I'm on. It's just me, my unrest responsibility and wanting to be organised such that my work can be done in the shortest time available. Else, you could just say I'm abit paranoid of becoming a complete mess if I didn't plan/leave everything for the last.

Then again going back to office wasn't as bad as it looks. Was greeted by this calming environment when I returned. Visualize what I saw: Light were embering the office's full length glass windows. White blinds were half-drawn, creating a dimmed, cosy setting. Quietness in the premises, no pressurising vaccum-effect.. the air con breezing. It was superbly tranquil, the light was great.. awwww..

However, work was abit challenging. Had a hard time reading 13 months of meeting minutes in Mandarin and scanning through another 13 months of a different set of meeting minutes (thank goodness it were in english) and make reference to see if they mentioned the same time and what was in my workpaper. Tedious. I have to salute to my preserverence... boi..

Nonetheless, I'm just glad I managed and completed the audit to be sent into Reb's room (as promised).

Tomorrow onwards, another commences. If only I could have a Disneyland visit to feel happy and wand off all the urban worries. Ok, no more "Ifs". Haha. My heart yearns to feel alive!

De one with Which Jason?

Hellweeks

It's a love-filled day and here I am all mentally-shagged having done patch-up works and reading a PDF-file-ful of Church minutes of meeting in CHINESE. Considering I already have trouble pronouncing Mandarin, now I have to read. *Face in my hands* Oh no~

Remember last blog I mentioned hellweek is starting..or started. It has. 8 days I have to juggle 3 assignments. Thank goodness I wrapped up 1. The other due for submission tomorrow (which explains why I'll be going back to office on a Sunday). The remaining I've done all I can. Gotta wait for Mar to come before I can audit the last quarter in the reporting period. Yup, that's how bad it is - all back-to-back.

There were alot of unexpected changes to my schedules which I managed to readjust/shuffle my appointments with clients. I hate it when people mess up my planning. Look, I took pains to organise swee swee (nicely in Hokkien)! Sadly, it's inevitable. Just gotta get around it.

Nowadays I certainly don't know what I've gotten myself into. There were alot of times during my travelling my mind just disconnect and I'll stare blankly into the shifting scenary. Else, I'll take a deep breathe and rub the bridge of my nose. Feels so much dead as if I'm an empty shell.

Perhaps I'm over tired. Worst when I have to deal with all the clients alone this year (last year at least I have my senior to guide me) and I had to exercise alot of caution to satisfy and assure I've done all that's require. Not forgeting profession skepticism. Man, no wonder a cab driver warned me of ageing earlier when I'm in audit. Arghh.. I have a valid reason to purchase anti-ageing cream!

I feel dead. And beyond resurrection when I can't concentrate and make mistakes which I shouldn't given my meticulous and perfectionist nature. Recently, there were a couple of things which I ought to have notice but didn't. These were when implusiveness took over when I charge with a fast gathering of whichever info at first sight. This is demoralising.

Just last Friday Rebecca asked me to check and photocopy all minutes of meetings for a trouble-maker client of whom I was in charge of two of their group's companies. Turns out it wasn't my fault that the secretary was too detached to informed us of any changes/updates (like having returned the minutes to the client who wishes to terminate our secretary services) and I got very confused with two meetings which relates to separate directors appointment and resignation. Man, I felt so... guess I shouldn't continue on.

I hardly read these two weeks. It's either work till 10+pm at office or the same time I finish classes. I need friends but Mohan and Clara are overseas. Plus I have nothing much that I wish to buy. My Candace Bushnell book is like 30 more pages and I'm done to continue to the next. Yet I'm lack the perfect leisure time to read without causing me further exhaustion from my already battled body.

Today I received my transcript. It's undesirable that I put it away after glancing through it once. My GPA are deteriorating. My future is worrisome man. Does nothing but labour headaches. I suppose my migraine would haunt me soon.

I am alive but I feel spirited-away. Looked up my name on some bibilogical website which deciphers the meaning of everybody's Christian name. Mine means "Healer or of God's salvation." It is then I query myself... who to heal me when my wings are weak and fallen?

By the way, Happy V. Day!

De one with Share-low

Tolerance zero

People are such shallow creatures. Darn, how long can I tolerate such people. You know what I mean?

Oh by the way, the earlier adopted ancestress of every girl's must-have toy, Barbie, turns 50. Wonder do shallow people spend alot of their childhood with our ever-smiling Barbie. Beats everybody.

De one with Initial "Feb"ulous

So far so good

Two days at client's place @ Adelphi was good. Least expected the Church to require me to go down on Friday, it interrupted my solicitor's audit. Left with office's cashbook receipts. Man... plus I'm doing the entire audit solo. Wanted very much to completion on Saturday however the firm doesn't work on Saturdays.

The staff there are friendly people. Salmah will come into my room and talk to me (Pss...part reason why I couldn't complete my work). On my first day, she commented I look lik Jay Chou (because I style my frig sideways and am soft-spoken). Next day, she and Shirley asked how long it'd take for me to have my hair done. Omg. *blush*.

Generally, it's good. The office's not much changed from the previous. Well, except the audit room is smaller. For my two days there, I lunched at TCC and Foodcourt at Raffles City SC. Choices are abit limited as compared to Suntec (client's previous location). But I managed to make the best out of the area by recce-ing the Times bookstore for books and River Island during lunchtime.

It was then, I thought perhaps I enjoy lunchtime in city area. Unfortunately, considering the heavy eating expenses over a prolonged period of time, plus the undesirable crowdiness, I guess the undesirable outweighs the desirable of in-city-lunching.

Today I left everything at the lawyers firm for commencement of the Church audit at SAJC Village. Early morning already "gabbra" with the meeting place. I thought the busstop YW was referring to is the one at Potong Pasir MRT. Turns out, its the one directly outside the DOS. End up turning up late at client's place and YW gotta apologise to Rachel.

Church audit was a "breather".. because the schedules provided by Rachel (a richly experienced ex-auditor) possibled a smooth audit. Which means our job becomes alot easier. Today I completed all the balance sheet items. Next monday I shall start with P&L.

Evening so paiseh, made Clara wait at the DOS busstop. We made our way to Cine where we did dinner at Long John. So crowded. Watched a "gruesome" (as commented by my moive companion) movie, Underworld : Rise of the Lycans. I think it was so so. It's actually like watching Star Wars where this installment actually shows the origins of the long-lived bloodshed betweens the Lycans and the Vampires. It links to the first movie.

Yes, there was alot of blood (which I kept wondering how could the color of blood glistered in a dark-set environment.. hmmm *fingering my chin*). The core of the movie is like watching the reversed of "Romeo and Juliet" - the ill fate of the lovers didn't deliver reconciliation between two races. Instead, it brought freud. Overall, I think ok. At least there's a comprehendable story line which made the audience go "oooh, so that's why in the first installment why lidat.. and I prefer which installation... blah blah blah".

During the movie, there was an irritating guy beside me, talking on the phone in the middle of the film. Darn.. inconsiderate!

Met LW for "la kopi" session at Raffles City SC Starbucks. lovely place to chill, chit chat about our future or actually, LW's plans for the future. It couldn't help me thinking how my path in life's gonna be. Clara says at least I seems to be sticking with accounting, something I never expected myself with. I replied, it's my nature, making the best out of anything I encounter with. Guess, that's something I could employ to paved my way through life. And hopefully, to see a foreseeable and positive future ahead. How about you?

De one with Anticipation

Gaining momentum

Much anticipation is ignited since yesterday's meeting with Rebecca and my seniors on planning for our coming clients assignment. I have a list of 11 and Rebecca was puzzled why it is still so little. But we figured I was reserved for a big client: United Pineapple.

Speaking of that, my boss has yet to complete reviewing. He's busy. Today he just settled my Freight company's audit with a "cunning" client. Former RI student my boss would tell me. Which explains why every year the Company comes up with different funny matters. Thank goodness I have Rebecca and my boss to fend me man.

Yeay, tomorrow I'll be down near the High Court of Singapore, commencing the solicitor's audit for a client which I've understudied in the previous year. Don't know why I can't restrain myself from feeling excited. Maybe I'm going to a solicitor's office which was nicely renovated. But that was last year when they had an office space at Suntec Tower 2. This year they shifted. Hmm.. wonder how it would look and feel like.

Perhaps, much anticipation comes from my desire to break free from all these days of boredom in office primarily because I have nothing to do. My days were filled with ad-hoc stuff like sending confirmation, update things on the net, time-passing by researching on an changes to the Solicitors rules, follow up on clients and informing the up-coming clients.

So much so for the day, I left office for Vivo. It's those lonely shopping trip again. Something at River I caught my eye. No... perhaps two. Man.. I very well know it's recession and I ought to save.. but the shirts are screaming for my keeping. End up.. I kept my credit cards in tact in my Braun wallet.

Hehe.. but I spent quite awhile at PageOne before deciding buying another Candace Bushnell book. Guess I'm becoming addicted to books. Can't blame it.. got my Mummy's genes. She loved reading books when she was alive.

Tomorrow solicitor's audit, it is!! Brace yourself, here I come.

De one with Lazy Weekend

Breezy Sunday

Intended to blog in the morning today unfortunately, the HK drama bought by Jasmine was un-resistable. Yes, that's practically how I have wasted my weekend on: Watching the entire 24 episodes of Survivor's Law II, eating and napping my eyebags away.

The show was good. Not really exciting, not educational but passable as entertaining. The lawyers portrayed in the story were emotional, and did a heck lot of unconventional actions and behaviour as a result of their sense of justice (at least what they thought it was). Of course, there was a twist of event but I guess it was compensated by a happy ending.

Speaking of emotional, it provided me with inspiration for this blog. Of course, I have talked about what I did this "lazy weekend", plan A for "saving money" for a forthcoming typhoon (considering the current economic crisis, as discussed in the previous blog). And I guess I can't leave this "self-reflection" on the issue of being emo here.

I recalled my close friends, Clara and Mohan ever commented on emo state of mind because of the emotional behaviour I display in our conversations online and smses. That's partly because they have saw me through the fall of a few relationships.

An upcoming friend, D also commented I was emo after an incident a couple of months ago. That was because of the way I protrayed myself through smses, online chats and blogs during our initial friendship.

After what D said did I realised there's nothing wrong with being an emo. Of course, it is obvious that any who become annoying if they are overly emo, like how we develop into an undesirable body shape or worse, get diabetes if we consume excessive chocolates. But it all strips down to a human's behaviour or responses to our environment in hopes of getting support/assurance/comfort from our friends, family or even a helpful stranger because in that moment, things are just too overwhelmed.

Think about it in this way. A person falls ill when the virus is too overwhelming for that person's immunity. Symptoms reveals (like emotions) to signal for nothing but getting medical help.

In fact, judging from my expressions or should you ever met me live, you'd disagree that I'm an emo. Why? Simply because I do not have much much expressions unless I'm doing it for fun or the situation is too tramatic. All judgements against me are primarily based on my blogs (where I employed it merely as a tool for complaining and type things purely because writting is FOC).

Perhaps you may read the above and think "yeah, right..", then conclude that I'm just denying or excusing myself or what.. truth is, I have always thought I'm better expressive in writting because that's what people, my friends especially, relate on. Thing is, emotions are not plain words. It is how the reader feels about how I feel when they read my blog, judging by sentences-constructions, vocabularies, punctuation marks and even colors to some extend. Lately, I even put on pictures.

I read about this before. "Photos are frozen moments in time. Today it is. Tomorrow time moves on and meant to be forgotten". I couldn't agree more. Imagine how Rose in Titantic looked when she held Jack's drawing of her live-portrait some decades later. She's old. The still drawing of her youth was the opposite. Photos only reminds us of vid memories. It is evidence for us to compare. Hence, emotions are aroused from the memories and comparison. Not the photo itself.

Having said much, I discover being emo can't be judged entirely on how a person writes but also the way he behaves and display. Else, these are live examples of what I have learnt in my previous semester's Organisation Behaviour module: Perception and Stereotyping. Like emo, its existence is nothing. However, too much and consistent would be deemed unhealthy. Don't you agree?