Decisive
It is said we tend to recall the beginning when the end closes in on us. This... I won't beg to differ. As I typed the breakup letter, fresh memories recollect like the reassembling of a shatter glass in rewind.
The initial first few days with the company was dreadful and tiring. Coming from no accounting background, I was like a brittle blank page tiding against fast approaching winds. My first 8 official hours dwell around arduous 3 years of compilation, followed by another 3 years of audit on the same dormant company. It was so chaotic it left a deep impression: Struggling with chaotic accounting entries, coupled with tough battles with administration and drafting of reports. Urgh reports! There were approximately 15 pages within each report. Each page took me pains from repetitive amendments on the alignment of text, grammar mistakes, figures-tallying, text fonts size, line-spacing, boldness of lines. It was mentally draining. But Jason perserved.
I was terrible at the "language of business"- complete foreign to me. Just couldn't gasp or comprehend what these debits and credits mean?! Why expenses and assets are the former, why liabilities, equity and income, latter. That's not all! There were sub-categories under these major class. Horrible and messy experience. For a moment in time, I thought Emperor Augustus and Luca Pacioli might awake from their graves to smack my palms. Fortunately, perseverance stayed through with me, determination was called upon... for reinforcements.
Half a year later, my work ripped labor. I grew eager and nurtured speed and efficiency at work. Staying late became part of my life, least to mention the weekend sacrifices adopted to complete my work within the shortest possible time. A year later, I felt like I'm on top of the world. Not only was I excelling academically, job satisfaction level clock its peak and I swore I never felt more confident. All things that go out must come down. The euphoria survived a few months until my brother's incident caught us like a bolt out of the blues. Grey clouds swiveled and resided for awhile. Albeit all the lament, I remembered dragging my sleep-deprived and emotionally-battered self to fulfill a pre-arranged appointment at client's place the morning following admitting my brother to the hospital. That was a pretty brave thing to do. It was seriously crazy. Anything to account for responsibility to the company.
Perhaps its Murphy Law's at play. Things went downhill as far as relationship, family, studies and work are of concern. Pulling me apart like a ring of magnetic field. Overwhelmed, I sat down, exercised priority and placed work over my two-year relationship. Did it hurt for coming to a decision? Certainly. As it was pure unhappiness, I could only remember vividly, everything was crumpling down but I didn't utter a sound. I never felt the need to announce my sadness. That was when I figured my way out and later, developed a "love-at-first-bite/sight" with cheesecake and Swarovski. Things that never fail to melt my heart.
The thirst for adventure couldn't deny the boredom which sets in eventually. This is particularly why I'd start to feel lost and start losing faith. Doing something for long became routine, likewise for audit. The company wanted to promote me, but i deferred. No point pushing me into something I'm not mentally prepared or willing to commit. Something Mohan said had long-imprinted in memory: "Are you gonna remain an intern (undergraduate) forever?". Fair enough, I weighed the costs and benefits and decided it was time to focus on my academic. No doubt there were times I had to go back for a few days during my unpaid leave, at the expense of my examination revision. Thinking back, it was a real selfish act towards myself when I knew I was running out of time.
Most comprehensible it is arduous when it comes to train or duplicate yourself within a company. Not to mention the kind of emotion distress to see your peers leaving. Come on, I myself witnessed almost 10 colleagues resigning, it's no joke we feel the pinch to have them leaving an empty desk the next day you come to work. Sure, it's fairly acceptable, considering the nature of the profession where staff turnover are at alarmingly high rate. But we are humans after all.
Despite having said what precedes, I guess the reasons to leave somewhat justify the end. Basically, I figured its time to move on for better opportunities. I'm eager to see what auditors outside are conducting their audit approaches, how they document, the type of industries and exposure they get. On the other hand, the company needs new blood. It is not due to giving up, or stress that I can't shoulder. As a matter of fact, I did place all these on a balance scorecard, tabulated the results. Deployed costs and benefits analysis and therein indicates to leave would be in the best interest for the company and myself.
We tend to question what the company could give us. I'd think otherwise. It should be mutual. When I sat myself down to think about what more to give? Nothing comes to mind. This is scary. But it serve as a warning that it's in the best interest to leave.
At the end of it, sure, my uncle and best friend instill their "nobody's indispensable" ideology constantly. This is an undeniably practical and logical mindset. But I wouldn't say I'm a desirably bright employee. Just responsible enough to do things within my means. We should always look forward to how we can grow and best contribute where we have never ventured in. Just so, although it's difficult to part myself from comfort zone.
It is sorrowful to leave, but I figured it's a pain not to. I guess I've paid my dues. A better decisions for all of us, don't you think?
