De one with Someone's Telling Me Something

Figuring through life's mist

After dinner, I received a text from my cousin and note miss calls from my home. Perhaps due to dreadful experience or intuition, my thoughts up-roared "not again, nothing must happen to any of my scared family members"... in my head, and my heartbeat pounding alongside when I returned call to my cousin who directed another number which belongs to my paternal uncle.

After getting the details, I hopped into a cab and rushed all the way from Chinatown (the place where I dined with my colleagues) to St Joseph's Home in Jurong West St 23. Learnt from my uncle that my aunt wouldn't last through tonight.

Although I wasn't close to my aunt (whom we addressed as "gu gu" or "paternal aunt" in chinese), we used visit her with our parents during every chinese new year. I recall those days of going to her one-room flat, eating crackers and watching "Journey to the West" which never seemed to stop broadcasting by Singapore mediaCorp or TCS at the time. The least I could remember was her kind hospitality despite she was a pauper and her gentle down-to-earth and strong character which left a deep impression since young.

She was a tough lady, working most of the time. Yet yesterday, the frail and thin lady lying on the bed before me, breathing on a life support machine, reflected a total contrary to my childhood impression of my aunt. It was heart-breaking to see her so thin and weak. I could do nothing but stare at her, and ask occasional questions to learn how she was admitted to the home for the hospice.

The last time I saw gu gu was at SGH with my ah-ma and ma-ma when she suffered hydra-inflammation in her lungs. What I never learnt was a month later, gu gu underwent an operation for breast cancer and was admitted to St Joseph Home thereafter. Sad thing I didn't visit her this year because of Jimson, my work and life commitments.

Last year, we just did our visit, without Mummy... just Jimson, daddy and me. This year, one more member passed away just like that. It sorrow emerges, the grief resurface and heart drowns in tears again.

On my journey to SJH yesterday, I kept questioning myself.. what is it which I've done wrong to undergo this dreadful thing over and over again.. Is it my bad karma? Painfully, I screamed in silence, if there was a God, what is he trying to tell me? Why has it got to be upon my family to make me go through these recurring pain... someone's telling me something...

De one with Sunday's with Clara

Clara day

Yesterday night I have been racing against time in order to produce my part for the accounting project. It lasted from 12 noon after I got back from a knowledge-acquiring cum heart-lightening coffee chat with Mohan at Thomson's Starbucks. All the way till 5am. Basically, the my parts included finding and elaborating how accounting standards were being introduced and developed by both Internation Certified Practising Accountants of Singapore (ICPAS) annd Accounting Standards Council (ASC). Also, to read and comment about Financial report standards of Singapore and that of the Australian accounting standards board. Particularly, issues concerning intangible assets and property, plant and equipment. Imagine having to read chunks of words in the middle of the night... totally wicked.

I thought I woke up at 9am. Supposed to meet Clara 12 noon @ Queenstonw MRT. Turned out I was freaking late and only arrived 1 pm with the poor Clara waiting at one of my favourite diner restaurant - IKEA. It was crowded. Managed to get a reasonably sumptuous lunch.: Clara had poached salmon set, two chicken wings and (join me in applause) my favourite Swiss meatball! *ooo I can see your saliva drooling*

Besides the meatball, my main objective was to purchase a jar-liked-bottle for my secret. And thankfully, I came across one! Lovely. Miss Crab? She did good with a jacket cover.

We headed to Centre @ Clarkquay to search for chip and dale soft toy. Disappointingly and sad, there were none to be found except the large ones which Clara wanted to get last month when we were in Cineleisure. Worst was when I reeaally wanted to get these at Cine later, a girl took the last pair. The letdown struck my heart in two like an unstoppable lightening.

We went Paragon to browse Crumpler store. Spotted one blue, red and white bag which was nice. I bought a blue Nike running singlet, replenished my CK Eternity cologne and got a new pair of adoring cufflings from Raoul.

We took a bus from Hereen busstop advanced to Suntec City. There, Clara did some shopping, in aid of her sister for the company's farewell gift to Gek kiah (GK). Ok, you look lost. Clara's sister happens to work in the same company as GK. Due to studies, GK is quitting her job and the company wants to get a farewell gift for her. Since Clara was out, her sister pleaded her help to obtained as it was urgent. Phew...so much for illustration of other's business.

Anyway, dale-lala was getting the Nike water-bottle for GK's gift when I discovered another yellow cum white running singlet. You should have been there to see how dalelala was monstrously discouraging and forbidding me to proceed with the purchase of a second singlet. Eventually, I got through lah. Hehe.

We settled dinner at Cafe Cartel since dalelala mentioned about the tantalising pork ribs available there. I preferred texas chicken to pork. After that what else? We jalan jalan by foot to Bugis. Hehe. By then, most shops were closed. But I still managed to get my underwears just seconds before the closure. Thereafter, we chilled out at our last stop at TCC for desserts and tea.

It was a wonderful Sunday. At least, it took my mind off certain upsetting issue and my heart lightens up with jokes and silly things like: putting food twice in my mouth when the waiter approached me. What's wrong with me? Yesterday at Starbucks, I actually told the sales-assistant to have my oreo-cheesecake warmed up. Jeez..

De one with 6th Day of Missing You

Miserable

This morning, we rushed our Fei Yue report, just in time for their meeting which was at 6:30pm. Surprisingly, the sense of achievement and relieve weren't felt within me. I let out a sigh and a dreadful blank emotion was charged up in my sian (tired in Hokkien) mind.

Yiwei helped me with the reports preparing when I received the signed documents from Lawrence, the accountant. I felt so helpless.

Anyway, it's done. I left office around half past seven. Initially decided to just hop into a cab and take a speedy ride home. Thankfully, my inner-self reminded me of my "Condo" dream and changed course to the bus interchange where I took a long-hour journey back on transIsland bus 851.

Keep your jaws and eyes intact.. I cried on my way home. Unmanly? Embarrassing? Hell with it. Was listening to some Jay Chou's sendimental songs and heart-ache tears clouded my vision, and streamed down when the corner of my eyes couldn't hold any longer.

That moment as I looked out at the sight of Chinatown, brightly lit and glamoring its passengers, my vacant mind disengaged for the vocalisation of Mohan's, Ben's and others' opinion, which made me realised how pragmatically foolish I am to keep feeling depressed over somebody..

Worst of me even to think of folding hearts which A used to fold twice for me. A personally torn the first one because I was too shy to receive it. Why am I such an introvert?!!

I suddenly recalled there was something a very sweet thing A would do. That was folding a heart out of a bus ticket. Well..partly because bus tickets are obsolete, which kinda contributed to more delight due to its nostalgic feel.

When I got back, my heart melt with gratitude when I found the heart A gave me 3 years ago, safe-kept in my TOUGH-wallet. After while, I learnt how to fold the heart myself and made myself a secret promise with God, whom-heaven-concerns.. for my lifetime happiness...for my lifetime..happiness.

De one with Unforgettable

Gloomy filled the day

It's not use torturing yourself! Get over it and move on.. that would what a rational Jason ought to realise. I did.. 3 years ago. However, like I've said in my previous blog, a spark of devil's work caught me off guarded and I succumbed to my spur of immorality.

Along with it, all deep feelings that I thought was dissipated, rejuvenated miraculously...and the chronic depression infected my heart at tremendous speed. Lately, my presence in office was like an eclipse, casting shadows over the warm-yellow painted office interior. My colleagues can't help mistakenly feel my demoralised mood was due to the undesirably long and relentless Fei Yue audit.

In fact, my desperate misses and reminiscing unforgettable memories were the main culprit for my down-mood. The remembering of being hugged, sweet moments made me feel the bitter sweet heartache.. hurting so much the silent cry took precedent of my emotions.

Sadly, my work got adversely affected. I couldn't concentrate not complete anything!!

At the back of my mind, another problem was bothering me. My suspicions about my health begin to grow concern gradually.

The medication? Mohan went out with me for dinner at pasta. He was like.."I'm gonna slap you" when he tried pointing out my mistake. Unfortunately, I continue to procrastinate efforts to resolve the problem which was the root of my unhappiness.

I bought chocolates. A medication for a broken-heart. Sadly, it'd only tide me for the next 12 days. More than enough, Mohan opinioned. Is it enough? Yesterday, I mentioned even a gallon of choc wouldn't subside my "devastation".

I'm so outrageously immature I know, to continue struggling in this never-ending pain. I shouldn't have to be this way... when I know what the odds are..

Ooh.. Jehovah, please grant us a common pave that leads to eternity? Can putting on eternity cologne make it easier? Just as long I don't hurt anybody.

De one with The Hug

Late night Sunday

"It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all."
- Alfred Lord Tennyson

This entire week I've been going back to office almost everyday. Believe it or not, I went to work on a sunny sunday at 3 and only left office at half past midnight.

Fei Yue..what else..

Lately I've been distracted at work. More of my heart singing for something or someone else. Over and repetitively in my head, I kept thinking, if it weren't for the tight embrace, these feelings wouldn't have been stirred up loose once again.

I thought i had it all within my control.

Jee.. I still miss you alot, A... so badly, it hurts like how it felt 2 years ago. Very much did I want to tell and thank you for being the critical reason I have became sociable like who I am today.

"Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss, and ends with a teardrop."

De one with Wretchedly Sinned

Grey

A gallon of chocolate can't conjure a single drop of happiness to turn my charcoal-heart, so badly and irreversibly ruined with the flame of sin.. with scorning intensity that might have been flames from the deepest shadowed pits of hell. I've never felt so down-cast before.

No angels will weep for they have took flight and departed distant from my pressence. If there was a God, I reckoned he'd carry me on his back. Not even the Buddha in our hearts would sprinkle any benevolence unto me. All blessings seemed abandoned.

The flowers I breathe upon wither like melting plastics. And the undissipated stench of roted deeds effervescently cloud above and surrounding me. Ay... I've sinned.

I feel utterly lost. Life appears like a piece of tissue. Crumple with the slightest force, blown miles away with e gentlest breeze, frailed instantly when smeared with water.

I knew I should move on, but shamefully, I've never ever learn to let go. Disgracefully hopeless and helpless. The tornado of twists in my life keep occurring and on. I knew it's impossible. Yet today did I realised I've retained so much (as it is growing) for you. I have even skipped class just to be there with you. Subjecting myself to oppression with willingness. Gosh, I really do me in.

Never knew what to do with my accumulating grieve as life is fading of colors, representing meanings.

No forgiveness would atone my sin, unspeakable beyond its fact.

De one with Shopping Alone!

Raining night

Today I skipped lecture. Was really tired of attending lectures after a chain of 3 days, supposedly 4 including today's if I had made my appearance at campus. Well, haven't been to shopping since it was either work or school. I decided to take a shopping "retreat" after I left work at 6pm.

Right from day start, this decision to skip lecture was clear. Got my mobile phone to send "invitations" to a bunch of people. Out of 5, 4 replied. 2 didn't. 2 couldn't make it. 1 could, however it turns out she had other appointment. Eh! so that means adding 1 to those who "couldn't". Hehe.

Nevermind about the disappointing effort. I told myself I'm not pathetic and went to Vivo City alone and courageously! Within 1 hour, I comfortably spent $358. Amazing? *erm.. I see your bulging eyes and dropping jaws. Not to mention..that obviously loud "WHAT?!"

Well, the main attribute was the shirt and a sweet collar-tee from River Island.

Managed to satisfy my temptation long born and restricted from the last time I was at Vivo with my colleagues, buying presents for office's July babies. Muhaha.

2nd runner up was home videos entertainment. A new show "Spiderwick" was released. Nice.

But the very bore move was taking "Heroes" DVD off the rack , after a few occassions of being caught in a dilemma on its purchase in the past.

Not forgetting, bought lots of candy from Candy Empire and Marks & Spencers!


Well, though not #1, my priority of going Vivo was to acquire printer-ink cartridge. Cost me $89+ for a twin package. Unwilling but can't help it. The lecture notes calls for desperate need for depleted ink.

Spending money like nobody's business is discouraging I know. However, it's been ages since I came out and coming out alone! Jee.. Lately alot of people have been singing praises of me being young, handsome. I doubt so?!? Or am I too naive to notice?

*Munch munch* I guess a humble pie is delicious for now....nonetheless!

De one with Giving Out & Not Returned

Cold despite the warm weather

Recently, I watched this Hong Kong drama "The Drive of Life" and a statement in one of the episodes, caught my attention and subsequently imprinted itself deeply in my mind. It says "give your heart out to others and others give theirs to you". Right now as I'm blogging, it kinda bear some familiarity with God's testimony or bible phrases.

Personally, I believe it's true. Partially.. not that true enough. Definitely, not this evening. As you know, I've worked at Gabriel's office for over a year. And it's kinda sad to declare my limited growth both in work and fitting in with my colleagues. Well, let's pave the exposure I've got.

It always seemed unclear about my proximity with my fellow work-mates whom, I reckon, are close to me even after 1 year on board the company. Perhaps it's my personality which they never discover or I didn't show or express. It's sad. Colleagues is one of the crucial factors to consider and I did honestly, thought of quiting because I don't feel belonged.

Call it jealousy or what (for all I care) but I've been committed in my job yet this new colleague just fit in because he can talk and he's new. Well.. it kinda affected me and getting on my nerve when I try to search what's the problem in me.

In the midst of searching for the root of problem, I begin to feel fed-up with myself. Jeez.. it's really detestable why I gave my heart out and it seems nobody give a daamm about me.

Well..then again, the angel Jason will advise giving doesn't mean receiving the same later. I know.. Am I really this utter failure? Am I really competent even if I keep trying? Dammm..

Moreover, I really dislike being so pushy and lost of direction. Sigh..

Heart-broken

I was the last person to leave office at 10:30 today. Nearly cried because somehow I couldn't help but feel perhaps I don't belong. Especially, the colleagues around. Honestly, no matter how much I do or the things I've done for the Company, I never really felt drawn close to them.

Time and again, it let loose and I feel the new colleagues fit in better with my seniors. It's like "marginalisation". Repeatedly, I keep consoling myself, reprimanding my over-sensitiveness and for goodness sake, I'm a guy who's ought to have an open-heart.

Perhaps, it's the innate Leo character in me, always wanted to be in the center of a group. Perhaps, I'm too spoiled with everything revolving around me. I'm too sheltered with love and attention since young. And partly, I'm too naive.

After Huimin, Rebecca and Alice left, I was so close to crying in the dead silence of loneliness. Nobody bothered to feed my mobile phone's inbox. My mind's abit exhausted. My heart feeling fatigue.. too heavy to feel anymore pain from being alone and uncared for.

Is there no one? Or are all these his testing on me? "Kindly grant me a break-through", yearns my heart, with tears gathering form thy eye-duct. "Pls... forgive my sins, mis-doings and clip a pair of wings on my back to alleviate all these shadows of loneliness, imperfections and unhappiness."

De one with I Shouldn't Have

Drizzles from the night sky

Afternoon I was running late for our gang meeting. Supposed to have arrived at Bugis (our decided meeting venue) at 1:3opm. Embarrassingly, I only reached almost 1.5 hours later with Clara in a cab. Excused? None. Truth was, I didn't wanted to reach early and get stuck with nothing except entertaining myself? Or not.. just don't wish to be early.

Anyway, the next moment we found ourselves in Seoul garden, happily cooking and eating all the cooked/uncooked food. The talking came gradually. I didn't talked much. Did cracked some cold joke. Well, some funny, some not so. Can you imagine hilarious statements such as "Wait! Later my chicken cannot hatch" when Loo Wan was camouflaging the soup with a canopy of vegetables when I was cooking my hard-boiled egg in the soup. And one more "the PORK got drown in the flood" when actually, I was referring to "PIGS", explaining why they shouldn't eat Sichuan chicken or pork (no offence, due to possible food-shortage in Sichuan)

Jielong and Ivan were having a fun time in their creative cooking with all those unwanted food and ingredients such as prawn's head, burnt eggs. Damm.. we gotta give it to them, they do have some chef-in-the-making "talents" despite their obvious mischief.

I enjoyed the lunch, except the smelly part with the BBQ stench on my T-shirt due to the cooking.

Thankfully, the present for Jielong fitted well. How to verify arh? We asked him to try it on of course! Phew..

Ivan left and we proceeded to Bencoolen Centre then Sim Lim Square coz Jielong needed a battery replacement for his watch and purchase PC games. Loo Wan wanted to get T-shirts from Bugis Street.

I couldn't help but admit initially, I wanted to go shopping at Vivo.. with Clara. Yesterday's shopping for colleagues' presents enticed alot of temptations. Of course, this was planned in anticipation that the gang wouldn't have anything else to do as they had to complete their projects (>Ivan) and study for exams (>Jielong) the next day. However, things didn't turn out the way I expected. So boredom and hostility took over when the gang moved around Bugis V, Bencoolen, OG, Sim Lim.

At the end of the day, I realised I shouldn't be so selfish and persistent-minded just because something or agenda didn't occur in accordance to what I have wished or wanted. Blame it on me.. I'm such a spolit-brat. It's a real ugly side of me, in the capacity of a gang member, as a friend. It's simply unglamorous.

Yet, I'm just glad I did reminded myself and practised the virtue of "accommodating" and formulated the idea of "shopping can wait.. gang outing only once in the bluemoon and it's not like the rest goes shopping all the time". Perhaps this is called "considerate"? Well.. I admit resentment against my fellow gang mates, contaminated my heart for a moment back then. And now, I felt ashamed, just like at the moment I'd realised my moment of foolishness.

Friends matters alot. I learnt this from A, deeply imprinted in my heart. I need... to be more CONSIDERATE, learnt how to LET GO and no "shouldn't have" ill-behaviors.

De one with Buying Jielong's Birthday Gift

Warm weather

Evening met up with Loo Wan to being our hunt for Jielong's birthday gift coz event's approaches this Sunday. Our browsing started abruptly from Topman till G2ooo black label. Both of us were like "dools", trying to buy a shirt for him when we've not seen him for ages and were not very clear about the right size which fits. So..hmm.. summon my wits, rang Jielong and asked him for his opinion on which shirt size best to get for my "colleague" since both of them are as tall. Loo was like smirking "it's so obvious, he's gonna know of my treachery". Thanks arh, Loo. That's pretty encouraging..hack, like we have other alternatives..nobody in our gangs knows which size to get.

We landed up at G2000 BL eventually. There we became "dools" again, spending so long considering our choices on whether to get a belt/cufflings/shirt/tie. Ended up, both of us resolved Jielong's birthday gift shall be a light sky blue shirt, costing $79 bucks. FYI, 10 persons in our gang, each must budget. Haha!

Ivan met up with us to proceed with our filling dinner at Marina Square's Burger King.. budget right? We chatted. In our conversations, I can't help but realised how visioned were my peers and they sounded so clear on what they are striving for in the foreseeable future. Which made me feel inferior and raise doubts within me, struggling for an answer: "Where am I heading in years to come?"

Seriously, I don't have a clear picture. All I knows if I should take a step at a time and am just overly glad I found interest in whatever I'm landed with. Like present, my auditing.

We met Clara for supper. Poor gal rushed from work place to Boon Keng prata shop in a cab. Only to discover the boys whom she was meeting turned up late. I know.. very bad of us, guys. No choice, Clara ordered and tucked into her prata dinner. We shared a chicken murtabak, just not to make our lady look bad having to eat alone.

We spent nearly an hour chatting, discussing our plans for Sunday's celebration for Jielong's special day and joking about how each of us usually behave whenever we meet. Didn't really stayed too long as both Loo Wan and Ivan were concerned with availability of public transport home.

Short and sweet day to end up with. *wink*

De one with Apologies

Shaddy all over again

Chin Yu says I should have a goal in life, it focuses meaning to my life.

Helpless and honest, I've never had a defined goal in life. Most of the time, it was imposed upon me.

Not even being a friend...

I think I've been apologising most in my past 22 years. I was trying to please everybody, in order to make people happy. Never felt I did. 22 years of apologies, I still feel far-d from who I humbly wish to be.

Like tonight, after meeting a solemn looking Mohan, I could help but slipped into deep reflection of my inner self. Turns out disappointingly, uh-ah.. I am not a good person after all.

If social is a subject or exam in life, I reckon I'll barely pass. It's cruelly pathetic... when you realised what a loser you are. Not self-pitying but hey, let's "open the windows and chat brightly". Truth is... Nobody enjoys having my company: My introverting nature cause people to feel uncomfortable and most of the time, awkward. When we're out, I hardly talk much. Besides, my conversation were short-lived or turned out offensive. Can I be even more?

Ok, enough questions to which I do not have answers. I'm so tired. Excuse, let it be. Barely feel accepted or appreciated. I'm just... one grave boring guy.. nothing else excepts full of apologies.

De one with Lights Up

End of 3 days' torture in campus

Finally! It's over after 3 days of having attended lectures for the module which I've dao bo ("take-out" in Hokkien(?), erm.. in this context, it means "fail" in our "studentictionery") Hehe.

Not forgetting, the worries of having to pay school fees ($3.7K poorer now *exposing empty pockets and head's down) and striving to form a group with another two course-mates whom I've just knew. Because of these bothersome issues, I nearly missed a night's sleep.

Anyway, I pushed for resolutions. Dropped by the bank during lunch time and obtained a cheque withdrawal. This came in handy as I could forgo the long-waiting in the queue to pay by credit/cash and just dropped my cheque outside the campus admin office, convenient right?

Besides, I turned up for lecture after discouraged by my dear friend, "fresh-graduate" Clara, not to skip lecture (was my initial thought). Turns out, her advice was great and I persisted and got into a group of three when I was involved in a clique of 4. Well, I discussed with another guy. We made friends with a girl sitting behind us. She was alone. And the other two gals in my group (both living at extreme corners of Singapore) decided not to split between themselves and wanted to look someone else to join them. Not trying to be ungentlemanly. We respected their decisions. Simply perfect.

Things are working out. With this, I'm safeguarded and more confident to face forthcoming challenges, (if any la)!

De one with Afresh

Mouth-twisting day

Have you every wonder what's the aftermath taste of having failed a module or test and restarting over? No idea for those "bamboo" students (aka result-slip-ful of A's student).. or some may have experienced yet substitute with remorseful disappointment which was abruptly replaced with panicky... some became more determined to improved, reflecting a hardening boiled egg. Others.. immunity, like a chronically-ill patient who forgot the pain of syringe and bitter medication.

Ok, I was exaggerating! Lemme share what I felt today. For the very first time in my past 1.5 years of doing my pre-graduate degree, I experienced my virgin chance of having re-attend my corporate accounting lectures. Due to unfortunate reasons, such as not being hardworking.. partly and heavily burdened with commitments with office-shift.

Yesterday night, the yucky feeling of anxiety creeped itself into my mind. Worries pondered what my day would be. Sadly, the anxiety developed into advance level of low morale as I en route to school..alone.. not knowing how I'd cope, attending a lecture with non-familiar faces and the agony of having to make new friends to fit in. AWww..

The signal sounded off when I finally arrived at the level of heighten alertness. At that moment, I kept cool as I walked into down the steps of the inclined lecture theater. If the room had been colder, I bet evaporation gas would have been visible as I let out a sigh as I sat down. Jeez.

"What was I thinking.. why am I stuck being such a loser" Oh god, I really should have studied wiser and passed". Confusion of thoughts buzzed inside my full-engined mind like thousands labouring bumble-bees. All of a sudden, the regretful moment melt away when this Josephine and two other familiar faces we met during re-enrollment appeared and sat beside.

As I thought all were enough, what was worst was the lecturer just had to mention about prior year failures (51 people..FYI). Sigh.. Embarrassment took the limelight.

In the end, I succeeded in suppressing all these unpleasant awareness of starting afresh. What a new semester encounter to begin with. Faintz~

Jesus, couldn't care less.. just expedite the semester closure and guarantee my fulfilled graduation! With good grades, hopefully!!

De one with Jason to Jason

Working on a Saturday

It was raining heavily after my quick run at the park around noon. Why noon? Well.. sleepyhead woke up late. I was too lazy to take the cheaper bus-train-bus route to work (I had to clear my consolidation for one particular job which was delayed for quite some time), decided to take the next incorrigible cab-trip.

It was drizzling and passing showers when I texted my "friends" inquiring them on what they'd do when they are unhappy. Well.. I waaaasss unhappy. I read all the replies which suggested the usual consoling things to do. I bet you'd have known it better.

Let's see..remedies for unhappiness: Eat chocolates?

I have been eating the Sins chocolate which Clara got me. It's not helping;

Sleep?

Happy not unhappy, I spend most of my weekends when I'm not busy, sleeping. Coz I haven got much sleep throughout the week all because of the hectic job.

Find friends to go out with?

I did.. and I guess my close friends are starting to get bored going out with me. I'm a considerably boring person. And my schedules clashes with others'.

Doing things I like?

I have been drawing, listening to music, jogging, blogging,.. perhaps it's all that I have which attribute to my resentment for having such a uncontented life.

Have goals in life so as to be focus?

Appears to person I'm sure of what I want because I'm a very picky person. blub.. Actually I'm a pretty confused guy. Blurred-minded and too easy-going I hardly got a defined goal. Perhaps, I detest being over pressured due to my bad habit of being over persistent when I really get interested into something.

I've had it, Jason! It's time to sort YOU out!

What are you really unhappy about?

My appearance?

Dammit. It's not like you're hideous. You were "dispensing your charms" on the sweet girl at NYDC and KFC on Efi's birthday. Mohan tells you were stared at. And please, if you ain't really happy, go gym or eat well and push your limits to become fitter!

I'm not that goodlooking. And no, it's not true, people doesn't look at me. Nobody bother to care or even liked me.

Dude, being goodlooking ain't everything. No offense but you can be good-looking with kindness or possessing good nature. Nobody cares?

Well, friends do. It's just whether you're open minded enough lor. If you rather not believe, there are people whom you can't deny their unbounded love for you... they are your granny and Mummy.. they'll always love you even when they gone. Alright?

I'm not good at being sociable. Perhaps I'm inferior of being alone.

J, you're strong guy remember? From young, you've always been able to cope with any challenges. Just open your heart and keep cool.. in fact I admired you for your courage. You never cry but only when you're alone. You remain resilient through your deepest grieve. I feel what you lack is confidence! Bring that confidence you have in your drawing hands and bring the same magic out to your social skill.

Studies. I failed one module. It's so embarassing. And work?! It's been a year and I'm still struggling. Sometimes I really drop and reconsider in my thoughts whether I'm competent enough for this path I've choosen.

Like Rebecca encouraged you. Don't feel discouraged. Try again. Failure is not the end. The end is when you never learn from your failures. Like it or not, you ought to be determined in whatever you've chosen. Honestly, this is not your style. In this 23 years, despite your wrong choices, you always have a way to make the best out of it. Come on, let's go Jason, come on!

You do love auditing, don't you?

Very much indeed. It's the matter of being imcompetent..

Won't deny you're a rather competitive person..although you always appear as soft-natured. It's a learning life. And it's pragmatically true in whichever industry you get involved in. You've walked a long way. Remember the leaking flower pot story? The leaking pot only got to realise its short-coming turned out to be a blissing which it never realised. Learning maybe tough. However, keep trying. Like the way you gained knowledge on how to play the snare drum and march during your secondary school military band days. How you learnt the drumset when you were in JC. And the keyboard because of the person you went head over heels.
You've a weapon, which is persistence/determination. Read more, ask and learn more, gunndoo..!

Life's just a piece of blank paper

In fact, you're just shutting yourself lately. And you resent going for courses. Chin Yu always reminded you of driving. You've cleared and wasted your advance theory. There's so much activities which you could have done alone.

Nobody truly understands me

That's because you're often negative. You have been doing and thinking defiantly. Seriously you just crave for attention. Yet you only want attention from people you like and as a result, fail to see those who care for you. Be yourself, J. "Do things within your means."

You know, sometimes I just feel so alone. Feel nothing's going right.

Some things are just out of our control. But what's comforting is we have a way to deal with it through our perspective. Don't worry, boy.. I'll be here for you always.

You sure?

I'm sure. You are the Heart. I'm the Mind. Always here until your perfect someone arrives.

De one with Nuts About Grants

Fine weather

Mentally tired... left work and office at 12+am today. Was overly occupied with a consolidation job.

Yesterday, I text my manager, Rebecca, expressing my un-settled opinion on my performance in FYCS audit. THank goodness my senior, Yiwei, guided me through. No doubts, he's good (from his past two years hands-on) and willing. For that, I'm very grateful.

Yiwei was there at FYCS with me and he made me realised my approach for the expenditure testings not quite up to what was required. Well, he didn't reprimand me but sat down patiently to explain and provide me with a clearer picture.

Today, the understanding came through. What a relieve I managed to sort out some confusion. And good lord, I was completely clueless and lost like sotong when I faced grants.

Basically, accounting treatment of grants (FRS20) is to account for grants amortisation so as to match off either the expenditure or over useful life. To better complicate issues, there are various circumstances which restricts such treatments, mainly due to the differences in requirement set out by the funding organisation.

Well, as the going gets tough, the tough gets going. I'm gonna conquer and savor this new challenge! Yee~ha!

By the way, interest event occurring at our office today! We celebrated Efi's birthday. This Indonesia colleague. Bought KFC, MacDonalds' fries and party over lunch in our office. Well..the cake came later. Not forgetting, the amusing "amazing race" for the birthday girl, for her to locate her present after a demanding series of clue-searching. The final clue turned out to be in my boss' room (hehehe). Truly comical to witness the game.

Well well..I wished my birthday would have been more adventurous!

De one with Smiley Day

Sunshine

Today's a happy day. I mean real happy! Most probably gonna sleep with a smile heh!!

Reason? I ain't gonna tel you.. well..ok..perhaps just abit. I spotted something I've been crazy over lately! Jeezz..am I blushing?

Afternoon made my way back to office to clear my assignment and accompanied Alice, my Indonesian colleague to Cityhall. She got her foundation, I got my new Biotherm facial product! After which we had dinner at Mos and had a couple of good laughs over our conversation on face.

She even asked, jokingly, on what were my remedies to maintain a flawless face. Omg.

Hehe.. WELL.. it's the thing I saw which made me over-flow with joy!

De one with Fei Yue Audit

Erm.. Fine Weather

First and foremost, please bear with my uncertainty about the weather. Was coped up in client's place which obviously had no view of the outside. Well, there is a window. Unfortunately, it's covered with opaque blinds! So... well..

2nd day at Fei Yue! Urh.. not really good. Kinda lost because what I thought were simple turned out tricky. Sighz. Nevermind, trying my best but daaaymm.. it's getting abit daunting. Probably due to my dislike for not having control and eventual confidence at what I'm doing. Duh!

Nothing much, more or less. Met the accountant, Lawrence Kwok. I believe he is a Hongkonger, recognising his accent. No good too because I malu myself when I mistakably present him with a wrong GL printout and he realised my mistake. Imaginatively "shrink" into the size of a shoe. Not to mention, the constant feeling of oppressive pressure from this accountant's considerably prominent background and rich experience.

Well.. two weeks, hopefully less and I'm done with Fei Yue.. no fun..

De one with Optimist-ing

Rebirth

Two weeks ago, I received my results for my fourth semester. I failed. Worse was when I came home after out-pro from my in-camp training. It was Friday evening when the discouraging news dawn before me, right before my eyes when the screen flashed my results.

Well, perhaps lately, alot of devastating incidents occurring around me, which had immuned me both mentally and emotionally. Trust me, I've met worst prior this. Of course, immunity doesn't literally mean I have become unfeeling. And I wouldn't deny, I was upset. However, the first reaction was to type and email my appeal, with frail hopes and wish of "the final struggle" to the course administrator, for a change of results. Unfortunately, the revert, which came a week plus later, confirmed my intuitions of its un-success.

Although I have suffered the ever-coming downs, I've learnt to become strong and picked myself up to move on with life. My colleagues were encouraging. Including my manager who kept telling me not to be discouraged and that I could make it. Well.. I believe my mummy
(if she was still by my side), she'd have very much said the same.

Sorry to all my readers, but I guess later my blogs depicted most of my depressing moments. Well, I tend to conceal my melancholy feelings and pour them out in words in here. I'm a writting/drawing person ba.

Work's getting busier. Ironic as it may sound, I failed my corporate accounting but I just completed doing consolidation for foreign companies, it's grandson and son. And subsequently, the son and father (who's a local company). Next week, I'll be doing audit for one of our "premium" clients, FeiYue. Heard it's a prominent charitable bodies in Singapore. I'm just looking forward to face this new challenge..well.erm.. alone.

Recently, I've been neglecting my honey. Usually after work, I'll take cab home just to be back home early to accompany my granny. She has been lonely since the depart of my younger brother. And my Aunt, Mama, usually went home earlier just to avoid the nagging of my granny.

I'm trying to be optimistic. So.. today I shall talk about happy moments in my life..

Remembered those days when my family brought us to Switzerland and Gold Coast, Australia. It was a half-yearly family affair. Remember fond memories of being abroad, take photos with my younger brother and hearing my mummy who was always complaining about my "selfish" father who was always indirectly neglecting us in pursuit of his eagerness over sight-seeing. Undesirable but paradoxically, the overwhelming joy of vacation impression-ed joyful chapter in my young-boy, care-free days.

Another happiest moment in my life was when I was in secondary school. My studies were reasonably good, CCA commitment presented me with abundance of honor from achievements in winning at outdoor band coms, experiencing the unimaginable such as performing along Orchard Rd during Chingay 1999/under the pressure of a full-house National Stadium. My parents would always turn up for every band com. The school canteen sellers adore me. Gosh, everything fell in place so nicely, fulfilling all aspect. Simply splendid!

Birthdays! Haven't been celebrating now but DON'T CHA just love it when you get presents, cut birthday cakes and entitle yourself to ONCE-A-YEAR chance to wish for something (although it may not always be fulfilled..hehe). Nonetheless, it's MY day. Not to forget, the amazing feeling of realising how long have you been living on the universe! Awwwesome~

The good old JC days. All in debt to the presence of unforgettable friends and glory of being sectional leader hor! Truly must disclose the everlasting laughter and intense feeling of belonging during this two years of copper period! Keke.. lemme get a munch of humble pie.

Alvin Tan. Knowing Alvin as a friend, was as if adding streak of rainbow to spice up my life. Appreciating and doing things which I'd never though I would do, his accompany realised how important friends were to me and delivered more than meets the eye on things we could do with friends like treating dinner, late night KTV, the non-stop actions... His life truly packed with continuous activities and I always felt so small, realising how little my life was. Truly admire and envy his vibrant life which I got involved in for a couple of months!

Well.. time waits for no one - the phrase I used to read on the cover of my full-scape paper-pad when I was still in primary school. Not until recent age when its meaning reveal clear to my understanding. Overtime, people you met and happenings encountered evolved around you. People couldn't explain why this phenomena, unintentionally excuse by saying "that's just part and puzzle of life". No offence. Undoubtedly, it's convincingly true in a sense.

Que sara sara, whatever will be, will be... I very much believe things would turn out better for me. So I've decided to continue "optimis-ing" while the clock is ticking!

De One with ICT and the Week Following

Warm nights

Just completed my first ICT (In-Camp Training). Prior this, I was filled with alot of uncertainties about how everything's gonna turn out, especially IPPT which got me abit worried. Thank goodness, everything was still bearable. Passed my IPPT too. However, my 2.4km timing dropped by 30 minutes at 9.59mins. Other undesirables involved all the excessively long period of time lag in waiting and no authority given upon us, specialist. Which I believe can't be helped. It's just like this... like some unspoken or irrevocable fault.

Well.. my skills went rusty. Can't deny it. Nonetheless, positive attitude earned myself considerably fair bit of knowledge and confidence.

Let's see.. what else.. Other than that, it's nice getting the opportunity to catch up (well, although I don't really talk much) or should I say, see the gunners and fellow battery-mates after what.. 2 years?! Most of us seemed to have put on weight. Hehe. And they are doing well in exams. Omg.

Alot would say ICT's a "switch-off" or in simple terms, a break from work and studies. I feel otherwise. Not being un-patriotic but dawning the green uniform is like sealing your civiliahship and all its associated liberty in a green envelope. "Switch off"? Imprisonment more likely ba.

The week following was rocketing. The first day back at work, most of my clients' documents came back for me to prepare the release of final audit report. There was one which needs amendments due to some new findings. but NEVERMIND, I love my job!

Did a consol job again. This was special because I had to follow closely to a Hong Kong audit report. Risky but fun! I dealt with a fierce director who eventually chatted with me over the telephone for hours. Haha. It's...satisfying.. to gain your client's confidence in you and change prepositions to your favour. That's why I love my job!

Looking forward... for good things in life and miraculous improvements!!

De one with Turning Workpoint

Blank skies

Today is which I believe to be an ultimately down day. On my way to work, my mind reminded me the days I used to bring my younger brother to school at Balestier. The eyes beginning filling with moist until it threatened to come flowing down my cheeks.

Work was the main culprit. Seriously, I'm really realising how bad I am at work. Perhaps my manager, Rebecca is losing faith or trust in me as a staff, due to my recent incompetence. Recently, I find myself having to deal with simple but "troublesome" jobs. Not forgetting, she hardly talk to me. Maybe this is what happens to a person who mentions he felt like resigning. Why? Because the travelling is demoralising? Or am I being prejudiced for poor performance, making careless mistakes or asking too much questions which portray me to be useless, reliant person?

I kept thinking of a reason to understand why I've became so down, feeling so lousy myself when I thought I have been performing and the future was glittering with promising opportunities. Now, all feels like everything have shut themselves or turn their backs against me. Terrible terrible brutality of sadness.

And I wondered very much, why such depression falls upon me. Why eh, I've become such extreme pessimist. Is there nothing I can do to turn the events for the better? I did.. I do take a breath and console myself that its for a moment. Things would get better. Well uh.. the effort only prove to last as long as the memory of a goldfish (which Clara told me ..3 seconds?)

I know frowning doesn't help. However, I love to achieve. So much, I doubt whether whatever I'm doing is really what I cut out to be or least, capable of?

De one with Vesak Day

Sunny

How was your long weekend? Mine was reasonably well-spent. Well... at least better than sleeping it the day away! *smile*

Not really much doings within these few days. Nevertheless, shall reveal abit of what I've been engaging in. Like on Friday night, I met Mohan at Orchard to purchase his white shirt since he's in need for his attachment at High Court. Cool! Today, met Clara for shopping.

Shopping. Yes! That was one of the major agendas for this long weekend. Of all, I'm quite please, managed to make all the necessary purchases. Like new colognes, white belts, cufflings (a small pair of adorable aeroplanes). Eating was as usual yet delightful. What's more wonderful to have meals with dear friends, agreeable?

All the spendings, I must emphasize..not much. I'm just glad I've saved some money. All thanks to Mohan and ultimately, Clara ("clara-dalelala-chili-crab") because they have put in alot of effort in dissuading me from making the purchase. What purchase you must be asking. It's this "macho" black Longsdale shoulder bag. Erm.. didn't check out the price though..but well.. I'm just happy I didn't waste the penny for buying something which I wanted, not in need.

What's the next best thing I've done? It's SUN-TANNING! Clara asked me out on Saturday for swim at Bishan. Finally, revived the sun-kissed (not very "chao da" meaning burnt in Hokkien) but it's fine! Not forgetting the great workout.. being an approximately 8km run, starting from Bishan Park, up Thompson road and one round around Macritche Park. Apollo, the god of sun, had been generous with his provision of valiant sun!

Another part which I was anticipating was meeting Honey. Well.. supposed to meet again on Saturday afternoon but hell.. all thanks to miscommunication breakdown, we ended up quarreling, even before we met. Faint~

Overall, it was a fantastic weekend spent. When we're in well, let's not also forget about the tragic news which teared our hearts for the people devastatingly affected by the earthquake in China. I hereby express my deepest condolences and shall the calamity be speedily over and life surfaced again to aid these people to move on.

De one with Screwed Up

Scorning sun

I simply just don't understand why I've became so angry! so utterly unhappy!! And end up with a heart filled with everlasting regret and self-hatre!!

I start to feel there's nothing in this world around me that's genuine... I just can't seemed to fit even a single bit... Begin to stray from my friends, ultimately uncertain of who I am..

Maybe th symptoms of insanity is approaching.. perhaps, depression..

Where art thou angel, please bring me to the path of the light.
To the garden of life, where no children will cry forevermore

De one with Not Forgetting

Warm day

Today is my first battle for the 4th semester, being Corporate Accounting. Although it was not a tough paper, I thought it to be a very tricky one nonetheless. What was I thinking, totally overlooked the part on a crucial entry to reverse the investment in subsidiary for consolidation question. Faint~ There was a few parts of the examinations questions which got me overly confused and doubtful on what I've prepared during my studies, the whole exam felt like a dream. Simply because I was doing it with low confidence. Sigh. When I came out of the exam hall, my mind was sub-consciously worried.

The entire morning I was groggy. Mainly due to the inability to slip into slumber. In fact, some thoughts surfaced mentally, which affected me as if the gates of a dam was lifted to release the flood. Flood of tears. Tears of hidden emotions. Deeply missing my departed loved ones...

Story books, documentaries on mankind and drama series imparted knowledge that human beings are astonishing wonderful species. Due to their advanced level of intelligence, it has possible their capability to develop emotions. Evolution enables mankind, being us to deal with these emotions. Particularly... grief.

Different people have different ways of handling grief. Such actually revolved around my family.

Daddy visits Mummy and Jimson's grave at Mandai Crementorium in order to spend more time with them. He refuse to throw any of their belongings and even keeps Mummy's handphone line unutilised, all for memorial purposes. For ah-ma would prepare 3 meals everyday and ask me brother to come back to eat, exactly the way it was done when he was alive. My uncle would get himself drunk, especially during the period after Mummy passed away. He stopped drinking red wine so often after Jimson (who used to loved drinking red wine almost every week) left. My cousin, Jasmine have typed in her MSN personal message: "It is really different without you".

For me, I prefer to store everything in my tiny heart. I blog my misery. Strive to continue life per normal. Inflict alot of pressure on myself with work, school, entertain my friends, shop extravagantly, bricker with Honey, ate alot of chocolates, run frequently. Honestly, I did all these not in attempt to bury my sorrows. Do let me continue...

I always believe there is a time for everything. Tough times wouldn't last forever. Things which needs to be done shall be done. These are some philosophies which I've realised, well, not too late, but they have helped me understand and be optimistic about life somehow or rather.

Sadly, regardless of how bright I feel about life/try to be, I could never deny myself being an overly emo guy. When I'm alone/taking my lunchbreak at the stairs/just before I sleep, it didn't matter how battered I'm from overwhelming merciless-pressure, my tiny heart will overfill and I'll just break down. More than ever, painfully.

As much as I know big boys shouldn't cry, I just couldn't help. Suddenly yesterday, in the abyss of worries for the approaching exams, somehow I was reminded how much I missed Mummy and Jimson. The moment I looked at their photos in my handphone, bursting to tears proceeded with my inner self questioning repeatedly: "Where are you guys now? Why did you have to leave me so early?"

At the same time, yearning very much to be in the past. I remembered the time when I spent overnight at the hospital when Jimson was having his operation for the back of his neck. Mummy and Daddy came, they would visit him everyday. I recalled the times we spent our lazy Saturdays at home when Mummy would be so frustrated over feeding Jimson, who always give her a hard time.

I swear I would have given up my life... shorten my lifespan... anything just to turn back time. I needed a miracle very much. Gosh.. maybe this is a very selfish?

It is very difficult to forget.. perhaps which explains why we rather stick to not forgetting, resulting in us executing irrational actions and spur of emotions.

"Our memories keeps them alive. Our hearts retains our perpetual ties with them. Our lacrimation reminds us of how most indispensable they are. Concurrently, calls of our silent echos of their return"

De one with My Brother

Tears from the sky, dampening our hearts

"心裡的雨傾盆而下 卻始終淋不到他"

Supposed out of all people who know me or have me as a friend, they have never been to anyone's family funeral more than once..not especially for a friend who has lived only 22 years of his life and his family members was brutally reduced by half.


I'm afraid there is and that person is none other than me. 3 years ago, my beloved Mummy passed away. My dear younger brother, Jimson left to be with my Mummy about 58 days ago.
"朦朧的時間 我們溜了多遠"

"再給我兩分鐘 讓我把記憶結成冰"
That was some night in March, around 1-2+am. I was working late at home because it was a peak-period for work, as well as school's projects. Hearing noises from my younger brother, I thought to myself: "Why is he still awake and bothering my granny at such late hours". Went over and found him complaining to my granny about his left arm. Initially, I thought he was being hussy, so I positioned him properly on his bed as he was completely dependent on us. Realised his facial complexion was weird looking, I turned on the lights.. to my horror, I witnessed his lips were turning dark-purple, Jimson looked awfully pale and he kept pointing to his arm, implying it was cramped and what I felt turned cold. Something was very wrong.

I tried rubbing his hands to keep them warm, my cousin woke up, together with my uncle, we kept calling him as he gradually turned unconscious or in a state of shock. I figured he looked liked he was choked. Uncle used a spoon and finger to test for an foreign object in Jimson's throat. I practised what I was taught during SISPEC, hugging him from behind and giving pressure to his chest, in painful hopes of getting his phragms out.

My cousin, in a state of confusion, took awhile before calling for an ambulance. Approximately 5 minutes, it occurred to me Jimson had left us. There was no heartbeat nor breathing and his body turned soft with its warm dissipating. I yearn in desperation, lost and panicked..

... Rushed down to the void deck, trembling.... all my worried thoughts giving way to helpless hopes for the arrival of the ambulance.. saw my aunt getting off the cab and rushing upstairs..
complete lost..

Finally, the ambulance came, with a trembling tone, I kept repeating to the medic the patient is upstairs, attempted to keep calm to "load" the medic with all the necessary information about my brother. In my heart, I was already pleading helplessly for these patient medics to rush.

The next 10 minutes, I was already in the ambulance, looking at the medics in the back carriage. During that moment, anger raged in my head as intuition hint to me of the lack of the medics' effort to revive my lifeless brother. "Just couldn't the ambulance go any faster" And charging through all those red traffic lights when my brother's life is at stake here!"

Upon arrival at Tan Tock Sheng A&E, I tried my best to play whatever minor role in helping the medics lift the trolley-bed off the ambulance and transferring him to another bed. Shortly later, my uncle and aunt arrived.. followed by my daddy a couple of minutes later.

As we waited during that one-hour, I was praying, pleading all the gods of the universe that I was willing to give up anything else in exchange to save Jimson from this ordeal, until I begin weeping. The female medic went in and came out to comfort me with a news that the surgeons have managed to revive Jimson's heartbeat. Suddenly, there was hope to ascertain Jimson was saved.

Unfortunately, a later update rendered all hopes perished. The surgeon came out a hour later, telling us that Jimson was brain-dead due to the prolong lack of oxygen. Even when the heart is alive, he is unable to breathe on his own. We were then asked to consider the choice of letting Jimson go or maintain him on a life-support machine. Chances of any improvement to his conditions was "very very very very slim" as mentioned by the surgeon.

My daddy considered letting him go, having listened to countless advices from the surgeons on how it is meaningless, torturing to Jimson and financially burdened it would be for us should we keep Jimson on the machine. My aunt was sobbing devastatingly, objecting to the choice for euthanasia. In my mind, I was overwhelmed with grieve, consider none of the choices but challenging the reality that Jimson was gone forever.

"想哭 来试探自己麻痹了没 全世界 好象只有我疲惫"
I knew I had to remain my composure so that others don't have to worry about me. I understand creating a scene like those in drama series, would only make things worst. When my daddy asked me for my opinion as if i was the head of the family, I suggested the next best opportunity.. which was to retain Jimson for as long as possible, reluctant to shut any occurance of possible miracle.

There were lots of negotiation which follows between my daddy and the surgeons. It was really more than meets the eye. In the end, Jimson was to be sent to an ICU ward where they would test his survival with medication, glucose and vitamins to prolong his chances of maintaining his failing heart-pulse, even on the life-support machine.

"我面无表情看孤独的风景"
Everybody must have thought I must have lost my mind, I went to my client's place as confirmed with my client. Despite my manager's instruction for me to be absent, I changed
after an hour of sleep and proceed per my agenda before rushing down to the hospital.

It was around 10 minutes to 12 when Jimson finally succumbed to the angel of death, of course, as much as I hate this event, I couldn't help but cried all my grief out as the rest of my family broke down beside my deeply-missed brother's deathbed.

The funeral exhausted us out, all the way until the cremation which was heartbreaking and Heaven was weeping together in the form of rain.

"只剩挥散不去的难过"
I couldn't forget my experience of having seen my younger brother passing away in my arms. Couldn't help thinking whether my family members are paying for my bad karma.

" 就是那麼簡單幾句我辦不到"
Most crucially, couldn't BEAR the departure of my younger brother because I truly love them, all blames to my quiet nature. I just don't say it out, I had to remain okay-looking. But what is it worth when I'm always a failure at expressing my feelings to others.

"People only realise and treasure things which no longer remain with them". This is very true. This philosophy was left deep scars on my heart on occasions of my mum's departure and lost love.

"徒留我孤單　在湖面　成雙"
God has his plans for everything that happens in my life.. I truly wish to understand why have God planned my life in such a way.. I truly do... It is just too difficult for me to live my young days without my mummy and brother.. a complete family... Gosh.. I feel so.. deprived of warmth. ;'(



- Chinese lyrics in courtesy of Jay-chou.net

De one with Lonesome Afterall

Falling degrees

It has been a rather bumpy week so far. It's really amazing the fact that it is only tuesday today and I'm already worn out.

Ask me why... it's the busiest period when I feel so pressurized with work pulling my arm and school projects accumulating distress, screaming for my commitment horribly. Oh lord~

When it's dark at night, for the pioneer moments in my life - lonesome dawn itself upon my heart. Nah... they just ain't there. Wanted to have dinner with Clara since my office's a coverable distance from her house. She was out and have her FYP to rush after getting back.

Honey, as usual, didn't pick up. Neither did she bother to return call. Early in the morning, she even suggest I quit my job if I find it too hard to manage.

Mohan's studying. Even if we wish to go out, time doesn't seemed to be within my control.

When I returned home, the entire pack had slept. It was total darkness which welcomed me and of course, not forgetting the inquisitive doggy. At least that was a bit comforting. Else, suppose my heart would have drown.

I guess it's also the depression. What made it worst was the coupling effect from hecticness. Looks like it's never-ending.. and prolonged with no one who truly stay alongside to lend me a shoulder. Bitter bitter life.

De one with Friends

Grey

What's the use of friends who you care but whom, in fact, doesn't understand and care about you?

Really adversed from my impression and definitely, too far-fetched from FRIENDS. Sigh. It's dully frightening, bitter cruelty.

De one with Rat Year

Red, gold and orange

HUAT ah! What have you been doing during this year's chinese new year?

Way back during Xmas, I bought my first piece of new year clothing from Topman, Wisma. Well.. not being kiasu ("scared of losing" in Hokkien) but worried I was going to be overly caught up with work as I had to follow my senior, running out all the time for external audit at a solicitor's firm.

Thank goodness, my anticipation fell short and it allowed time for me to go shop for more clothes. Let's see.. not boasting but glad I've got a red pin-stripe shirt which I thought resembled that wored by Jay Chou in his "Jay on the Run" album. Besides, I got two white tops from River Island and FCUK. Not forgetting, a new pair of jeans. For this, I must say I was grateful I managed to find something available with my waist line. Ha!

Chinese new year for me wasn't as colourful as before. Hmm.. was referring to programs and or, activities. The least I had was watching Ah-long Pte Ltd with Clara, Jess and Ivan. Pathetic in terms of numbers, but am just thankful for some outing finally!

Honey asked me out to Chinatown on NY's eve. However, was too bored until I became lethargic and decided to decline.

Of course, till date, I believe this year's Ang Bao collection had decrease. Well, who cares. Hehe. Anyway, simply glad the holiday came in time for me to breathe and "recuperate" for post-chinese ny mad-rush!

De one with Jay Chou's Concert!

High high high!

It's been nearly 24 hours since my long-awaited Jay Chou's concert, in pursuant of his 2007-08 World Tour, at Singapore Indoor Stadium. YES YES! the "HIGH" fever is still burning within me. Why HIGH? It's the motivating passion and and perpetual joy derived from yesterday's idol's 3 hours plus live gig!!

A few months ago in October last year, I managed to purchase an online booking after much painstaking effort, trying to access and proceed from the SISTIC events homepage, all the till the online transaction was successfully completed. Not just this obstacle, I was studying for my management accounting paper which was due the next day.

Well.. with 100% honesty, I must say all that hussle was completely worth it when Jay Chou delivered an indescribable splendid and outstanding performance. Moreover, yesterday coincided with the pop-king's 29th birthday, which brought further exclusiveness to the concert.

Why? There's too much to commend about the electrifying concert experience with

(1) flames of sparks splurging unexpectingly from ends of the electric guitars,
(2) multi-instruments talent display when 周杰伦 played the Gu-qin, drumset, purple guitar and a transparent grand piano,
(3) bringing the "piano battle" scene from <<不能說的祕密>>,
(4) revised-tune for one of his trademark songs : 雙截棍,
(5) upbeat bossa-nova dancers who went wild with the audiances,
(6) Jay's sexy scene with female dancers on giant red high heel shoe set while singing 迷迭香,
(7) 周杰伦 showing his talents again with his 扯鈴 acrobat,
(8) more elaborated costumes,
(9) improved dancing moves (wah, looks like Rain's gonna be in trouble),
(10) Jay Chou singing 霍元甲 with his amazing fan-twirling stunt,
(11) Jacky Chueng and Zhou Ren Fa's scene singing and moving respectively during 听妈妈的话,
(12) moving the audiences' nostaglic hearts with songs from his initial few albums like 安靜, 開不了口, 最後的戰役, original 雙截棍.
(13) Special segments with 南拳媽媽 performances
(14) Showcasing a beautifully written chinese poem from his lyricist and good friend 方文山

The stage effects include jail-bars descending from the top, platform rising and even the white screen at either sides of the stage was swinging. More more!! Colorful confetti, sparks shooting effects.. AND AND!! yellow-lit candlier which makes your jaws drop in admiration.

There was three times encore. In my opinion, songs arrangement were not really in a flow.. perhaps more familiar in segments. However, I totally enjoy because of recognition and relating to every song he sang and the fact that he's singing live lah. OMG! HIGH HIGH HIGH!

Most of the time I was waving my light-stick which Honey bought for 3 for 10 bucks. It's really cool. And of course, 公仔 (mini- Jay Chou figurine) which subsequently triggered my desire to collect more! Not forgetting, everybody even got this big bright green hand-cupboard (sponsored by Starhub) which I waves funatically during encore!

Which also brings me to some distracting anti-HIGH. There was this fat.. ok.. plumb woman who waved the big green hand until it nearly hit me. Sigh. So much for being HIGH.

Nonetheless, my second Jay Chou concert was definately better than the previous! One-third partly because my Honey was by my side, watching despite not really crazy over my endearing idol. 2nd-third partly was also, it was my every first time watching a concert on the singer's birthday. In which, I got to be part of the whole audience, singing Happy Birthday songs (in 中文 and English versions). Last partly, for the very first time, I was really strongly in support of my idol that I initiated to stand up while the others around me were not really keen prior me! HEHE.

From youtube, seems like in his HK concert, he sang 對你愛不完 , (安靜, 晴天) and 淘汰 with Aaron Kwok, 許志安 and Eason Chan respectively! Even 費玉清 was present to sing 千里之外 with him too!!

At the end of the day, 周杰伦 World Tour 2007-08: Outrageous awesome!

De one with 24-hours Before Jesus Was Born

Warm Christmas Eve

It is Christmas Eve, the whole Cityhall was overwhelmed with countless crowds whom I presumed (most likely) be on leave or Company's off for the festive season. Gabriel, my boss, was generous to give us the day off and even threw us lunch at Tony Ramas, Suntec.

Round two of gift exchanged took place over lunch, at the same moment when we were waiting for the food to arrive. Prior today, we had drawn lots to identify to whom our Xmas present were meant for. By chance I picked Rebecca, my adorable manager and got her a bracelet with angels from Perlini's Silver. Good lord it won some admiration and pleasant comments. That's good. No reason she won't like it.

As for myself, I got a gift from Irene, who got me a Creative earphone which cost 19 bucks. Well..erm.. she forgot to remove the price tag before she had the present wrapped. When I open and show to the rest, I was like covering the price tag so as to save Irene any embarrassment.

Mentioned in my previous blog, it's Xmas spirit which matters. It's about sincerity and thoughts to give others a gift. However, I failed to mention Xmas may not be another joyous holiday when you received something you never like.

I know... the most hurtful thing is when you brought something for another and turns out the receiver never like it. Honey did buy me something. Perhaps I'm too difficult to please. Perhaps I've always bought all the things I need and want that I feel unsatisfied when I received something which was not particularly what I'd have noticed. Well... I don't really know. I advised her that she should save some money instead of wasting on presents for me. Perhaps that really hurt. Sigh. Though Xmas would be happy. Perhaps not.

Most likely, I'm bound not to be gave any presents. That's why I've always been purchasing whatever I have now. Man.. so much of Xmas.. but thankfully, I supposed I've dedicated some gifts to make other's happy ba..

De one with TG Xmas Outing 2007

Dedicated to TG: Tribal Gang

Approximately 3 weeks ago, Clara and I commenced our planning and recce for our annual Xmas TG members outing. This time, I volunteered to be the organiser and decided something to change in the line of past activities which was much of dinner, movie and ktv singing. Yup, big change! This Xmas period, I brought the entire gang out to Bishan Park to have a part-treasure, part-salvager hunt outdoors.

Initially, everything was super rush because Clara and I only had one and three quarter hours to plant all our clues. Thanks to the usual impunctuality of our friends (erhum.. especially Ivan), we had a few couple of time to complete our chore of hiding all 60 clues around the park. By the time I announced the start of the game, it was already 1 in the burning afternoon.

Phew... the arrogant sun was shining it's might on us, made poor us perspire like "siao" ( "fanatically" in Hokkien). Ironically, thank god for the dry weather, which enable us to execute our game successfully.

What we presumed about the duration for the completion of the game proved wrong when Jielong & Weili came in victorious before 2 hours. Wei Cai (who ran a couple of times) & Jessamine came in 2nd position. Followed by Kok Sin & Loo Wan (the pair who were always walking far apart from one another) in 3rd and Ivan & Gek Kiah coming in last because they admitted they didn't possess adequate map-reading skills. Omg.

Everybody was "shag" at game closing. Before long, the drizzle set in and TG proceeded to AMK to dine and feast at Pizza Hut. Ordered 3 pizza (2 of which were the new Jingle Chirstmas pizza) some side dishes, standard soup and ice drinks.

The annual Xmas gift exchange was practised this year, like previous year, while we waited for the food. Apparently towels seemed to be in trend for gift ideas this year. Hehehe. Funny thing is Weicai, Jessamine and I exchanged gifts in a trio formation (Jess got Weicai's, Weicai got mine and I got Jess'). Soon later, Clara bid goodbye due to another appointment. Guess what? I rewarded them for the successful game by giving a treat.

Desperate for the remaining one piece of pizza which couldn't be consumed into our filled stomaches, haha, we subject it to forfeit for our "zhong ji mi ma" game. Omg. I kana ("got selected" in Malay) twice. Sigh.. Jielong was the "only survivor" who didn't suffer the forfeit.

Time after meal was stretched longer when the gang was discussing on where else to go. 1 hour of debate landed us with a decision to go K. Well, Jielong and I declined but brought them to the KTV. After sending Jielong to the busstop, I walked home after his bus arrived.

This Xmas outings have just begun, tomorrow I'll be expecting another lunch with my colleagues. Gifts exchanges are inevitable. Just this year and all have cost me alot. Well, can't help it lah.. Xmas spirit is about GIVING, not COMPLAINING!

Clara got me a perfect gift, it's a gorgeous card-holder. Something I've always wanted!! Thanks Clara, this is the type of unexpected joy about Xmas spirit: making others happy. Hope I'll be able to bring this joy to others.

Endless thanks to TG! and Merry Christmas!!

De one with A-mei's Star Concert

Vibrant night

Life seems to improve ever since my final paper (FYI: Cost management & App) for the 3rd semester was over. With all due respect, not bragging or showing off in print.. just thought it would be nice to share on blog.

Let's see.. Daddy got the iPod Touch (16 gb) for me, which I've always considered this gadget to be sorta "prelude" for the desirable iPhone. What's hot about this "prelude"? The prima feature is the amazing touch screen interface, incorporated in a slick and unique designed casing. I myself was pretty delighted to see the reflective metallic surface on the back of the iPod touch, something that will definitely come in handy for my usage. Else, there are safari and web browsing facilities.. kinda white elephants because I can't seem to get it connected to my home internet. Gee.. will still grant 4/5 rating for this new marketised mp3 player nevertheless.

Sponsored by Daddy again, my cousin and I got tickets to A-mei's Star concert at National indoor stadium. It was fantastic...vibrant would be the exact word to describe the whole event.

Today was the second time I catch A-mei's live concert. The first during my performance at May day organised by NTUC union. It was then that I realised that A-mei was very powerful singer, who could sing live with such dynamics. I doubt very few singers could do that without obvious flaws.

Nothing to be shy about the few songs which she sang which moved not only my heart but those of the others present in the audience. Songs like 剪愛, 記得, 最愛的人傷我最深, 我無所謂, 真實 and 解脫 (encore song) were songs which accompanied me through times of heartbreak and recovery.

There were a few new songs such as 人質 which provided me with encouragement about certain downtimes in life. Confidence to brave through storms in life and inspiration to live life happily. In fact, most of such inspiring triggers were derived from what A-mei illustrated in her brief introduction to the songs she was going to sing.

Without fail, A-mei cried during the concert. It melts the hearts of the fans. Thereafter, there were cheers from the audience t encourage her on.

Actually, I really love live concert. Besides having the opportunity to hear and sight your adoring idol singing on stage or all the special sparks gimmicks, exuberant costumes and light effects, it was the "HIGH" feeling I experience and the tingling feeling to let loose abit when I start to move to the groove of the music.

Unknowingly, at that particular moment, I can't help containing my endless envy for the sole artiste singing at the top of his/her heart stage-frightened-lessly before countless audience.. oooh, how I wish I could have a little bit of that similar spectacular, shinning glamor... oh how I wish

De one with My Second R21-Movie

Sem 3 | Battle #01

Since yesterday night, I laid on my bed and shut my eyes but all prove useless when I try to calm my nerves for tomorrow's examination and force myself to slumber, as I'd need all the rest I could. Never thought a week could just vanished in a flash. Jeez! Today is my battle #01. Venue: SIM-Hall. Duration: 3 hours. Subject of battle: 7 questions on Financial accounting.

Turns out.. it was rather demoralising. I came out of the exam hall, thinking this time, I'm really deadmeat. Halfheartedly, tried denying the fact that I wasn't intelligent enough. Partial belief that it was within expectation given the amount of effort I've "invested" in this module. Big sigh.. Again, my inner soul questioned myself whether I've choose the correct career path.

The first question on bank reconciliation statement, I've already overlooked a few mistakes. Inevitably, it has caused me alot of time in rectifying. This also means little time was left to cover subsequent questions. A lot of time, I didn't really knew how to do as I've not been spending adequate time in practicing. Hence, this landed me wasting more time in attempting to interpret my concepts.

Else, the theory questions were a breeze for me. All thanks to fruits of labor from heavy emphasis in this aspect. Which I enjoyed.

As per previous years, I always landed myself deprived of time. Luckily, this time I strived to complete all 7 questions by moving forth everytime I get "bubble-gummed".

What's done can't be undone. No choice. Theory of contraints mah! Before looking forward to the next battle, had a consoling lunch with Zhen Ze at Megabits in campus. Had Black pepper pasta. Apparently, a black-coloured chicken was separately included on top of my creamy pasta. Erm.. edible. Then there was an orange-coloured soup which I though most likely to be pumpkin soup which Zhen Ze was puzzled about.

The second consolation was going for a jog in the hot blazing sun at around 4-5pm. Honestly, loved the feeling of being exposed to sunlight. It exhilarates a "reborn" feeling. Totally awesome when you feel the warm air around with occasional light wind.

Third console was meeting Mohan in town to catch my 2nd R-21 movie - Pleasure Factory. A film, directed by Ekachai Uekrongtham, which sets it's main theme on one night in Geylang.

In my opinion, movie's title is meaningful. As Geylang used to be where processing-coconuts factories were located, with the current recognition as a "pleasure-seeking" redlight district, hence "Pleasure factory" arises.

The erotic pictures and title ("Pleasure") misled alot of pre-viewers into believing that the film was just another sleazy sex-content film. I opt to feel different...No doubt, the film does contain sex scenes. Wait a minute! There's more in which I'd discuss further as follow.. however, caution those who have yet to watch the movie, please continue only at your disgretion. Hehe.

In my opinion, there were affections of love portrayed, solitude, every women's true desire and innocence.

LOVE

There was (motherly) love between Linda and her daughter as portrayed in an overly touching scene when the two moved to tears upon the daughter's delication of song "The moon represents my heart" to the mother.

Depicted also was the (affectionate) love between Jonathan (the cadet attempting his "first time") and Xu-er. He keep kissing her and even cried just because Xu-er told him she resort to prostitution to support her family upon her late-father's death.

Besides, there was (concealed) love between Kiat and his army buddy, Jonathan. This was evident in how Kiat fantasized about doing with Jon and waited outside throughout Jon's first-time experience. Distant from which you cannot have.. I truly feel sorry for this character.

Lastly, I feel there was a sort of "protective" love between Chris and Linda's daughter. He followed her, waited outside the hotel room and the last scene where he didn't do the teenage girl lying on his bed.


SOLITUDE

Everyone has his/her moment of being tired and oppressed with our constrained life. The film captures this moment of solitude where we just weep from time to time. After which, we'll continue again as depicted in the scene where Xu-er cried and put on her pink dress to continue business.

DESIRE

From the film, I can tell one thing. That most, if not, most women has a common desire: to have a man who is able to provide her shelter, sense of security and respect her through protecting her from any odds from life. This is perhaps one of the most fundamental culprit which had influenced conservative mindset to stereotype involvement of a male and female in relationship bah...

INNOCENCE

Without doubt, innocence is displayed in the characters of Jon and Lindy's daughter. Also, the loss of innocence is also depicted in the events of the film.

Overall, the film only managed to touch on the surface of the roles. Perhaps there was too much characters to be focused.

What were commendable was the actor playing Jonathan was bore enough to strip bare. There were less-seen filming techniques like inclusion of real-life interviews... In addition, there were comedic scenes such as "no vulgarities in high class "aquarium". (That was a good one!)

By what was more delighting was the show delivered for the audience to feel lust, lonesome desperation, tears and laughter. For which I'd think it's essential to make the ticket worth!