De one with Cough

Dizzy day

Today its back to work after two days of medical leave. Heartache first thing in the morning when I had to take a cab down to work as I was running late. Unknowingly, a surge of dizziness creep within me since yesterday evening when I attended lecture. My entire body feels weak. Sigh. It can't be the medicine. I requested the doctor to give me non-drowsy ones!?!

Anyway, it's a day of battling with dizzy spells. When I walk around, I feel like as if I were stepping on clouds.

Craziest thing was I took a cab to and flown from office to campus, got the required textbooks for my OB project and back to office, all thanks to my scattered-brain. I forgot to bring the required notes which I left in my office cupboard the last time round.

On my way back to home, I proceeded with my "secret", occasionally staring out at the moving landscape, I let my fond thoughts wonder out to play within my head.. thinking if... well.. I think too much.. Perhaps let nature runs its course, wait and it shall be given

De one with Someone's Telling Me Something

Figuring through life's mist

After dinner, I received a text from my cousin and note miss calls from my home. Perhaps due to dreadful experience or intuition, my thoughts up-roared "not again, nothing must happen to any of my scared family members"... in my head, and my heartbeat pounding alongside when I returned call to my cousin who directed another number which belongs to my paternal uncle.

After getting the details, I hopped into a cab and rushed all the way from Chinatown (the place where I dined with my colleagues) to St Joseph's Home in Jurong West St 23. Learnt from my uncle that my aunt wouldn't last through tonight.

Although I wasn't close to my aunt (whom we addressed as "gu gu" or "paternal aunt" in chinese), we used visit her with our parents during every chinese new year. I recall those days of going to her one-room flat, eating crackers and watching "Journey to the West" which never seemed to stop broadcasting by Singapore mediaCorp or TCS at the time. The least I could remember was her kind hospitality despite she was a pauper and her gentle down-to-earth and strong character which left a deep impression since young.

She was a tough lady, working most of the time. Yet yesterday, the frail and thin lady lying on the bed before me, breathing on a life support machine, reflected a total contrary to my childhood impression of my aunt. It was heart-breaking to see her so thin and weak. I could do nothing but stare at her, and ask occasional questions to learn how she was admitted to the home for the hospice.

The last time I saw gu gu was at SGH with my ah-ma and ma-ma when she suffered hydra-inflammation in her lungs. What I never learnt was a month later, gu gu underwent an operation for breast cancer and was admitted to St Joseph Home thereafter. Sad thing I didn't visit her this year because of Jimson, my work and life commitments.

Last year, we just did our visit, without Mummy... just Jimson, daddy and me. This year, one more member passed away just like that. It sorrow emerges, the grief resurface and heart drowns in tears again.

On my journey to SJH yesterday, I kept questioning myself.. what is it which I've done wrong to undergo this dreadful thing over and over again.. Is it my bad karma? Painfully, I screamed in silence, if there was a God, what is he trying to tell me? Why has it got to be upon my family to make me go through these recurring pain... someone's telling me something...

De one with Sunday's with Clara

Clara day

Yesterday night I have been racing against time in order to produce my part for the accounting project. It lasted from 12 noon after I got back from a knowledge-acquiring cum heart-lightening coffee chat with Mohan at Thomson's Starbucks. All the way till 5am. Basically, the my parts included finding and elaborating how accounting standards were being introduced and developed by both Internation Certified Practising Accountants of Singapore (ICPAS) annd Accounting Standards Council (ASC). Also, to read and comment about Financial report standards of Singapore and that of the Australian accounting standards board. Particularly, issues concerning intangible assets and property, plant and equipment. Imagine having to read chunks of words in the middle of the night... totally wicked.

I thought I woke up at 9am. Supposed to meet Clara 12 noon @ Queenstonw MRT. Turned out I was freaking late and only arrived 1 pm with the poor Clara waiting at one of my favourite diner restaurant - IKEA. It was crowded. Managed to get a reasonably sumptuous lunch.: Clara had poached salmon set, two chicken wings and (join me in applause) my favourite Swiss meatball! *ooo I can see your saliva drooling*

Besides the meatball, my main objective was to purchase a jar-liked-bottle for my secret. And thankfully, I came across one! Lovely. Miss Crab? She did good with a jacket cover.

We headed to Centre @ Clarkquay to search for chip and dale soft toy. Disappointingly and sad, there were none to be found except the large ones which Clara wanted to get last month when we were in Cineleisure. Worst was when I reeaally wanted to get these at Cine later, a girl took the last pair. The letdown struck my heart in two like an unstoppable lightening.

We went Paragon to browse Crumpler store. Spotted one blue, red and white bag which was nice. I bought a blue Nike running singlet, replenished my CK Eternity cologne and got a new pair of adoring cufflings from Raoul.

We took a bus from Hereen busstop advanced to Suntec City. There, Clara did some shopping, in aid of her sister for the company's farewell gift to Gek kiah (GK). Ok, you look lost. Clara's sister happens to work in the same company as GK. Due to studies, GK is quitting her job and the company wants to get a farewell gift for her. Since Clara was out, her sister pleaded her help to obtained as it was urgent. Phew...so much for illustration of other's business.

Anyway, dale-lala was getting the Nike water-bottle for GK's gift when I discovered another yellow cum white running singlet. You should have been there to see how dalelala was monstrously discouraging and forbidding me to proceed with the purchase of a second singlet. Eventually, I got through lah. Hehe.

We settled dinner at Cafe Cartel since dalelala mentioned about the tantalising pork ribs available there. I preferred texas chicken to pork. After that what else? We jalan jalan by foot to Bugis. Hehe. By then, most shops were closed. But I still managed to get my underwears just seconds before the closure. Thereafter, we chilled out at our last stop at TCC for desserts and tea.

It was a wonderful Sunday. At least, it took my mind off certain upsetting issue and my heart lightens up with jokes and silly things like: putting food twice in my mouth when the waiter approached me. What's wrong with me? Yesterday at Starbucks, I actually told the sales-assistant to have my oreo-cheesecake warmed up. Jeez..

De one with 6th Day of Missing You

Miserable

This morning, we rushed our Fei Yue report, just in time for their meeting which was at 6:30pm. Surprisingly, the sense of achievement and relieve weren't felt within me. I let out a sigh and a dreadful blank emotion was charged up in my sian (tired in Hokkien) mind.

Yiwei helped me with the reports preparing when I received the signed documents from Lawrence, the accountant. I felt so helpless.

Anyway, it's done. I left office around half past seven. Initially decided to just hop into a cab and take a speedy ride home. Thankfully, my inner-self reminded me of my "Condo" dream and changed course to the bus interchange where I took a long-hour journey back on transIsland bus 851.

Keep your jaws and eyes intact.. I cried on my way home. Unmanly? Embarrassing? Hell with it. Was listening to some Jay Chou's sendimental songs and heart-ache tears clouded my vision, and streamed down when the corner of my eyes couldn't hold any longer.

That moment as I looked out at the sight of Chinatown, brightly lit and glamoring its passengers, my vacant mind disengaged for the vocalisation of Mohan's, Ben's and others' opinion, which made me realised how pragmatically foolish I am to keep feeling depressed over somebody..

Worst of me even to think of folding hearts which A used to fold twice for me. A personally torn the first one because I was too shy to receive it. Why am I such an introvert?!!

I suddenly recalled there was something a very sweet thing A would do. That was folding a heart out of a bus ticket. Well..partly because bus tickets are obsolete, which kinda contributed to more delight due to its nostalgic feel.

When I got back, my heart melt with gratitude when I found the heart A gave me 3 years ago, safe-kept in my TOUGH-wallet. After while, I learnt how to fold the heart myself and made myself a secret promise with God, whom-heaven-concerns.. for my lifetime happiness...for my lifetime..happiness.

De one with Unforgettable

Gloomy filled the day

It's not use torturing yourself! Get over it and move on.. that would what a rational Jason ought to realise. I did.. 3 years ago. However, like I've said in my previous blog, a spark of devil's work caught me off guarded and I succumbed to my spur of immorality.

Along with it, all deep feelings that I thought was dissipated, rejuvenated miraculously...and the chronic depression infected my heart at tremendous speed. Lately, my presence in office was like an eclipse, casting shadows over the warm-yellow painted office interior. My colleagues can't help mistakenly feel my demoralised mood was due to the undesirably long and relentless Fei Yue audit.

In fact, my desperate misses and reminiscing unforgettable memories were the main culprit for my down-mood. The remembering of being hugged, sweet moments made me feel the bitter sweet heartache.. hurting so much the silent cry took precedent of my emotions.

Sadly, my work got adversely affected. I couldn't concentrate not complete anything!!

At the back of my mind, another problem was bothering me. My suspicions about my health begin to grow concern gradually.

The medication? Mohan went out with me for dinner at pasta. He was like.."I'm gonna slap you" when he tried pointing out my mistake. Unfortunately, I continue to procrastinate efforts to resolve the problem which was the root of my unhappiness.

I bought chocolates. A medication for a broken-heart. Sadly, it'd only tide me for the next 12 days. More than enough, Mohan opinioned. Is it enough? Yesterday, I mentioned even a gallon of choc wouldn't subside my "devastation".

I'm so outrageously immature I know, to continue struggling in this never-ending pain. I shouldn't have to be this way... when I know what the odds are..

Ooh.. Jehovah, please grant us a common pave that leads to eternity? Can putting on eternity cologne make it easier? Just as long I don't hurt anybody.

De one with The Hug

Late night Sunday

"It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all."
- Alfred Lord Tennyson

This entire week I've been going back to office almost everyday. Believe it or not, I went to work on a sunny sunday at 3 and only left office at half past midnight.

Fei Yue..what else..

Lately I've been distracted at work. More of my heart singing for something or someone else. Over and repetitively in my head, I kept thinking, if it weren't for the tight embrace, these feelings wouldn't have been stirred up loose once again.

I thought i had it all within my control.

Jee.. I still miss you alot, A... so badly, it hurts like how it felt 2 years ago. Very much did I want to tell and thank you for being the critical reason I have became sociable like who I am today.

"Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss, and ends with a teardrop."

De one with Wretchedly Sinned

Grey

A gallon of chocolate can't conjure a single drop of happiness to turn my charcoal-heart, so badly and irreversibly ruined with the flame of sin.. with scorning intensity that might have been flames from the deepest shadowed pits of hell. I've never felt so down-cast before.

No angels will weep for they have took flight and departed distant from my pressence. If there was a God, I reckoned he'd carry me on his back. Not even the Buddha in our hearts would sprinkle any benevolence unto me. All blessings seemed abandoned.

The flowers I breathe upon wither like melting plastics. And the undissipated stench of roted deeds effervescently cloud above and surrounding me. Ay... I've sinned.

I feel utterly lost. Life appears like a piece of tissue. Crumple with the slightest force, blown miles away with e gentlest breeze, frailed instantly when smeared with water.

I knew I should move on, but shamefully, I've never ever learn to let go. Disgracefully hopeless and helpless. The tornado of twists in my life keep occurring and on. I knew it's impossible. Yet today did I realised I've retained so much (as it is growing) for you. I have even skipped class just to be there with you. Subjecting myself to oppression with willingness. Gosh, I really do me in.

Never knew what to do with my accumulating grieve as life is fading of colors, representing meanings.

No forgiveness would atone my sin, unspeakable beyond its fact.

De one with Shopping Alone!

Raining night

Today I skipped lecture. Was really tired of attending lectures after a chain of 3 days, supposedly 4 including today's if I had made my appearance at campus. Well, haven't been to shopping since it was either work or school. I decided to take a shopping "retreat" after I left work at 6pm.

Right from day start, this decision to skip lecture was clear. Got my mobile phone to send "invitations" to a bunch of people. Out of 5, 4 replied. 2 didn't. 2 couldn't make it. 1 could, however it turns out she had other appointment. Eh! so that means adding 1 to those who "couldn't". Hehe.

Nevermind about the disappointing effort. I told myself I'm not pathetic and went to Vivo City alone and courageously! Within 1 hour, I comfortably spent $358. Amazing? *erm.. I see your bulging eyes and dropping jaws. Not to mention..that obviously loud "WHAT?!"

Well, the main attribute was the shirt and a sweet collar-tee from River Island.

Managed to satisfy my temptation long born and restricted from the last time I was at Vivo with my colleagues, buying presents for office's July babies. Muhaha.

2nd runner up was home videos entertainment. A new show "Spiderwick" was released. Nice.

But the very bore move was taking "Heroes" DVD off the rack , after a few occassions of being caught in a dilemma on its purchase in the past.

Not forgetting, bought lots of candy from Candy Empire and Marks & Spencers!


Well, though not #1, my priority of going Vivo was to acquire printer-ink cartridge. Cost me $89+ for a twin package. Unwilling but can't help it. The lecture notes calls for desperate need for depleted ink.

Spending money like nobody's business is discouraging I know. However, it's been ages since I came out and coming out alone! Jee.. Lately alot of people have been singing praises of me being young, handsome. I doubt so?!? Or am I too naive to notice?

*Munch munch* I guess a humble pie is delicious for now....nonetheless!

De one with Giving Out & Not Returned

Cold despite the warm weather

Recently, I watched this Hong Kong drama "The Drive of Life" and a statement in one of the episodes, caught my attention and subsequently imprinted itself deeply in my mind. It says "give your heart out to others and others give theirs to you". Right now as I'm blogging, it kinda bear some familiarity with God's testimony or bible phrases.

Personally, I believe it's true. Partially.. not that true enough. Definitely, not this evening. As you know, I've worked at Gabriel's office for over a year. And it's kinda sad to declare my limited growth both in work and fitting in with my colleagues. Well, let's pave the exposure I've got.

It always seemed unclear about my proximity with my fellow work-mates whom, I reckon, are close to me even after 1 year on board the company. Perhaps it's my personality which they never discover or I didn't show or express. It's sad. Colleagues is one of the crucial factors to consider and I did honestly, thought of quiting because I don't feel belonged.

Call it jealousy or what (for all I care) but I've been committed in my job yet this new colleague just fit in because he can talk and he's new. Well.. it kinda affected me and getting on my nerve when I try to search what's the problem in me.

In the midst of searching for the root of problem, I begin to feel fed-up with myself. Jeez.. it's really detestable why I gave my heart out and it seems nobody give a daamm about me.

Well..then again, the angel Jason will advise giving doesn't mean receiving the same later. I know.. Am I really this utter failure? Am I really competent even if I keep trying? Dammm..

Moreover, I really dislike being so pushy and lost of direction. Sigh..

Heart-broken

I was the last person to leave office at 10:30 today. Nearly cried because somehow I couldn't help but feel perhaps I don't belong. Especially, the colleagues around. Honestly, no matter how much I do or the things I've done for the Company, I never really felt drawn close to them.

Time and again, it let loose and I feel the new colleagues fit in better with my seniors. It's like "marginalisation". Repeatedly, I keep consoling myself, reprimanding my over-sensitiveness and for goodness sake, I'm a guy who's ought to have an open-heart.

Perhaps, it's the innate Leo character in me, always wanted to be in the center of a group. Perhaps, I'm too spoiled with everything revolving around me. I'm too sheltered with love and attention since young. And partly, I'm too naive.

After Huimin, Rebecca and Alice left, I was so close to crying in the dead silence of loneliness. Nobody bothered to feed my mobile phone's inbox. My mind's abit exhausted. My heart feeling fatigue.. too heavy to feel anymore pain from being alone and uncared for.

Is there no one? Or are all these his testing on me? "Kindly grant me a break-through", yearns my heart, with tears gathering form thy eye-duct. "Pls... forgive my sins, mis-doings and clip a pair of wings on my back to alleviate all these shadows of loneliness, imperfections and unhappiness."

De one with I Shouldn't Have

Drizzles from the night sky

Afternoon I was running late for our gang meeting. Supposed to have arrived at Bugis (our decided meeting venue) at 1:3opm. Embarrassingly, I only reached almost 1.5 hours later with Clara in a cab. Excused? None. Truth was, I didn't wanted to reach early and get stuck with nothing except entertaining myself? Or not.. just don't wish to be early.

Anyway, the next moment we found ourselves in Seoul garden, happily cooking and eating all the cooked/uncooked food. The talking came gradually. I didn't talked much. Did cracked some cold joke. Well, some funny, some not so. Can you imagine hilarious statements such as "Wait! Later my chicken cannot hatch" when Loo Wan was camouflaging the soup with a canopy of vegetables when I was cooking my hard-boiled egg in the soup. And one more "the PORK got drown in the flood" when actually, I was referring to "PIGS", explaining why they shouldn't eat Sichuan chicken or pork (no offence, due to possible food-shortage in Sichuan)

Jielong and Ivan were having a fun time in their creative cooking with all those unwanted food and ingredients such as prawn's head, burnt eggs. Damm.. we gotta give it to them, they do have some chef-in-the-making "talents" despite their obvious mischief.

I enjoyed the lunch, except the smelly part with the BBQ stench on my T-shirt due to the cooking.

Thankfully, the present for Jielong fitted well. How to verify arh? We asked him to try it on of course! Phew..

Ivan left and we proceeded to Bencoolen Centre then Sim Lim Square coz Jielong needed a battery replacement for his watch and purchase PC games. Loo Wan wanted to get T-shirts from Bugis Street.

I couldn't help but admit initially, I wanted to go shopping at Vivo.. with Clara. Yesterday's shopping for colleagues' presents enticed alot of temptations. Of course, this was planned in anticipation that the gang wouldn't have anything else to do as they had to complete their projects (>Ivan) and study for exams (>Jielong) the next day. However, things didn't turn out the way I expected. So boredom and hostility took over when the gang moved around Bugis V, Bencoolen, OG, Sim Lim.

At the end of the day, I realised I shouldn't be so selfish and persistent-minded just because something or agenda didn't occur in accordance to what I have wished or wanted. Blame it on me.. I'm such a spolit-brat. It's a real ugly side of me, in the capacity of a gang member, as a friend. It's simply unglamorous.

Yet, I'm just glad I did reminded myself and practised the virtue of "accommodating" and formulated the idea of "shopping can wait.. gang outing only once in the bluemoon and it's not like the rest goes shopping all the time". Perhaps this is called "considerate"? Well.. I admit resentment against my fellow gang mates, contaminated my heart for a moment back then. And now, I felt ashamed, just like at the moment I'd realised my moment of foolishness.

Friends matters alot. I learnt this from A, deeply imprinted in my heart. I need... to be more CONSIDERATE, learnt how to LET GO and no "shouldn't have" ill-behaviors.

De one with Buying Jielong's Birthday Gift

Warm weather

Evening met up with Loo Wan to being our hunt for Jielong's birthday gift coz event's approaches this Sunday. Our browsing started abruptly from Topman till G2ooo black label. Both of us were like "dools", trying to buy a shirt for him when we've not seen him for ages and were not very clear about the right size which fits. So..hmm.. summon my wits, rang Jielong and asked him for his opinion on which shirt size best to get for my "colleague" since both of them are as tall. Loo was like smirking "it's so obvious, he's gonna know of my treachery". Thanks arh, Loo. That's pretty encouraging..hack, like we have other alternatives..nobody in our gangs knows which size to get.

We landed up at G2000 BL eventually. There we became "dools" again, spending so long considering our choices on whether to get a belt/cufflings/shirt/tie. Ended up, both of us resolved Jielong's birthday gift shall be a light sky blue shirt, costing $79 bucks. FYI, 10 persons in our gang, each must budget. Haha!

Ivan met up with us to proceed with our filling dinner at Marina Square's Burger King.. budget right? We chatted. In our conversations, I can't help but realised how visioned were my peers and they sounded so clear on what they are striving for in the foreseeable future. Which made me feel inferior and raise doubts within me, struggling for an answer: "Where am I heading in years to come?"

Seriously, I don't have a clear picture. All I knows if I should take a step at a time and am just overly glad I found interest in whatever I'm landed with. Like present, my auditing.

We met Clara for supper. Poor gal rushed from work place to Boon Keng prata shop in a cab. Only to discover the boys whom she was meeting turned up late. I know.. very bad of us, guys. No choice, Clara ordered and tucked into her prata dinner. We shared a chicken murtabak, just not to make our lady look bad having to eat alone.

We spent nearly an hour chatting, discussing our plans for Sunday's celebration for Jielong's special day and joking about how each of us usually behave whenever we meet. Didn't really stayed too long as both Loo Wan and Ivan were concerned with availability of public transport home.

Short and sweet day to end up with. *wink*

De one with Apologies

Shaddy all over again

Chin Yu says I should have a goal in life, it focuses meaning to my life.

Helpless and honest, I've never had a defined goal in life. Most of the time, it was imposed upon me.

Not even being a friend...

I think I've been apologising most in my past 22 years. I was trying to please everybody, in order to make people happy. Never felt I did. 22 years of apologies, I still feel far-d from who I humbly wish to be.

Like tonight, after meeting a solemn looking Mohan, I could help but slipped into deep reflection of my inner self. Turns out disappointingly, uh-ah.. I am not a good person after all.

If social is a subject or exam in life, I reckon I'll barely pass. It's cruelly pathetic... when you realised what a loser you are. Not self-pitying but hey, let's "open the windows and chat brightly". Truth is... Nobody enjoys having my company: My introverting nature cause people to feel uncomfortable and most of the time, awkward. When we're out, I hardly talk much. Besides, my conversation were short-lived or turned out offensive. Can I be even more?

Ok, enough questions to which I do not have answers. I'm so tired. Excuse, let it be. Barely feel accepted or appreciated. I'm just... one grave boring guy.. nothing else excepts full of apologies.

De one with Lights Up

End of 3 days' torture in campus

Finally! It's over after 3 days of having attended lectures for the module which I've dao bo ("take-out" in Hokkien(?), erm.. in this context, it means "fail" in our "studentictionery") Hehe.

Not forgetting, the worries of having to pay school fees ($3.7K poorer now *exposing empty pockets and head's down) and striving to form a group with another two course-mates whom I've just knew. Because of these bothersome issues, I nearly missed a night's sleep.

Anyway, I pushed for resolutions. Dropped by the bank during lunch time and obtained a cheque withdrawal. This came in handy as I could forgo the long-waiting in the queue to pay by credit/cash and just dropped my cheque outside the campus admin office, convenient right?

Besides, I turned up for lecture after discouraged by my dear friend, "fresh-graduate" Clara, not to skip lecture (was my initial thought). Turns out, her advice was great and I persisted and got into a group of three when I was involved in a clique of 4. Well, I discussed with another guy. We made friends with a girl sitting behind us. She was alone. And the other two gals in my group (both living at extreme corners of Singapore) decided not to split between themselves and wanted to look someone else to join them. Not trying to be ungentlemanly. We respected their decisions. Simply perfect.

Things are working out. With this, I'm safeguarded and more confident to face forthcoming challenges, (if any la)!

De one with Afresh

Mouth-twisting day

Have you every wonder what's the aftermath taste of having failed a module or test and restarting over? No idea for those "bamboo" students (aka result-slip-ful of A's student).. or some may have experienced yet substitute with remorseful disappointment which was abruptly replaced with panicky... some became more determined to improved, reflecting a hardening boiled egg. Others.. immunity, like a chronically-ill patient who forgot the pain of syringe and bitter medication.

Ok, I was exaggerating! Lemme share what I felt today. For the very first time in my past 1.5 years of doing my pre-graduate degree, I experienced my virgin chance of having re-attend my corporate accounting lectures. Due to unfortunate reasons, such as not being hardworking.. partly and heavily burdened with commitments with office-shift.

Yesterday night, the yucky feeling of anxiety creeped itself into my mind. Worries pondered what my day would be. Sadly, the anxiety developed into advance level of low morale as I en route to school..alone.. not knowing how I'd cope, attending a lecture with non-familiar faces and the agony of having to make new friends to fit in. AWww..

The signal sounded off when I finally arrived at the level of heighten alertness. At that moment, I kept cool as I walked into down the steps of the inclined lecture theater. If the room had been colder, I bet evaporation gas would have been visible as I let out a sigh as I sat down. Jeez.

"What was I thinking.. why am I stuck being such a loser" Oh god, I really should have studied wiser and passed". Confusion of thoughts buzzed inside my full-engined mind like thousands labouring bumble-bees. All of a sudden, the regretful moment melt away when this Josephine and two other familiar faces we met during re-enrollment appeared and sat beside.

As I thought all were enough, what was worst was the lecturer just had to mention about prior year failures (51 people..FYI). Sigh.. Embarrassment took the limelight.

In the end, I succeeded in suppressing all these unpleasant awareness of starting afresh. What a new semester encounter to begin with. Faintz~

Jesus, couldn't care less.. just expedite the semester closure and guarantee my fulfilled graduation! With good grades, hopefully!!

De one with Jason to Jason

Working on a Saturday

It was raining heavily after my quick run at the park around noon. Why noon? Well.. sleepyhead woke up late. I was too lazy to take the cheaper bus-train-bus route to work (I had to clear my consolidation for one particular job which was delayed for quite some time), decided to take the next incorrigible cab-trip.

It was drizzling and passing showers when I texted my "friends" inquiring them on what they'd do when they are unhappy. Well.. I waaaasss unhappy. I read all the replies which suggested the usual consoling things to do. I bet you'd have known it better.

Let's see..remedies for unhappiness: Eat chocolates?

I have been eating the Sins chocolate which Clara got me. It's not helping;

Sleep?

Happy not unhappy, I spend most of my weekends when I'm not busy, sleeping. Coz I haven got much sleep throughout the week all because of the hectic job.

Find friends to go out with?

I did.. and I guess my close friends are starting to get bored going out with me. I'm a considerably boring person. And my schedules clashes with others'.

Doing things I like?

I have been drawing, listening to music, jogging, blogging,.. perhaps it's all that I have which attribute to my resentment for having such a uncontented life.

Have goals in life so as to be focus?

Appears to person I'm sure of what I want because I'm a very picky person. blub.. Actually I'm a pretty confused guy. Blurred-minded and too easy-going I hardly got a defined goal. Perhaps, I detest being over pressured due to my bad habit of being over persistent when I really get interested into something.

I've had it, Jason! It's time to sort YOU out!

What are you really unhappy about?

My appearance?

Dammit. It's not like you're hideous. You were "dispensing your charms" on the sweet girl at NYDC and KFC on Efi's birthday. Mohan tells you were stared at. And please, if you ain't really happy, go gym or eat well and push your limits to become fitter!

I'm not that goodlooking. And no, it's not true, people doesn't look at me. Nobody bother to care or even liked me.

Dude, being goodlooking ain't everything. No offense but you can be good-looking with kindness or possessing good nature. Nobody cares?

Well, friends do. It's just whether you're open minded enough lor. If you rather not believe, there are people whom you can't deny their unbounded love for you... they are your granny and Mummy.. they'll always love you even when they gone. Alright?

I'm not good at being sociable. Perhaps I'm inferior of being alone.

J, you're strong guy remember? From young, you've always been able to cope with any challenges. Just open your heart and keep cool.. in fact I admired you for your courage. You never cry but only when you're alone. You remain resilient through your deepest grieve. I feel what you lack is confidence! Bring that confidence you have in your drawing hands and bring the same magic out to your social skill.

Studies. I failed one module. It's so embarassing. And work?! It's been a year and I'm still struggling. Sometimes I really drop and reconsider in my thoughts whether I'm competent enough for this path I've choosen.

Like Rebecca encouraged you. Don't feel discouraged. Try again. Failure is not the end. The end is when you never learn from your failures. Like it or not, you ought to be determined in whatever you've chosen. Honestly, this is not your style. In this 23 years, despite your wrong choices, you always have a way to make the best out of it. Come on, let's go Jason, come on!

You do love auditing, don't you?

Very much indeed. It's the matter of being imcompetent..

Won't deny you're a rather competitive person..although you always appear as soft-natured. It's a learning life. And it's pragmatically true in whichever industry you get involved in. You've walked a long way. Remember the leaking flower pot story? The leaking pot only got to realise its short-coming turned out to be a blissing which it never realised. Learning maybe tough. However, keep trying. Like the way you gained knowledge on how to play the snare drum and march during your secondary school military band days. How you learnt the drumset when you were in JC. And the keyboard because of the person you went head over heels.
You've a weapon, which is persistence/determination. Read more, ask and learn more, gunndoo..!

Life's just a piece of blank paper

In fact, you're just shutting yourself lately. And you resent going for courses. Chin Yu always reminded you of driving. You've cleared and wasted your advance theory. There's so much activities which you could have done alone.

Nobody truly understands me

That's because you're often negative. You have been doing and thinking defiantly. Seriously you just crave for attention. Yet you only want attention from people you like and as a result, fail to see those who care for you. Be yourself, J. "Do things within your means."

You know, sometimes I just feel so alone. Feel nothing's going right.

Some things are just out of our control. But what's comforting is we have a way to deal with it through our perspective. Don't worry, boy.. I'll be here for you always.

You sure?

I'm sure. You are the Heart. I'm the Mind. Always here until your perfect someone arrives.

De one with Nuts About Grants

Fine weather

Mentally tired... left work and office at 12+am today. Was overly occupied with a consolidation job.

Yesterday, I text my manager, Rebecca, expressing my un-settled opinion on my performance in FYCS audit. THank goodness my senior, Yiwei, guided me through. No doubts, he's good (from his past two years hands-on) and willing. For that, I'm very grateful.

Yiwei was there at FYCS with me and he made me realised my approach for the expenditure testings not quite up to what was required. Well, he didn't reprimand me but sat down patiently to explain and provide me with a clearer picture.

Today, the understanding came through. What a relieve I managed to sort out some confusion. And good lord, I was completely clueless and lost like sotong when I faced grants.

Basically, accounting treatment of grants (FRS20) is to account for grants amortisation so as to match off either the expenditure or over useful life. To better complicate issues, there are various circumstances which restricts such treatments, mainly due to the differences in requirement set out by the funding organisation.

Well, as the going gets tough, the tough gets going. I'm gonna conquer and savor this new challenge! Yee~ha!

By the way, interest event occurring at our office today! We celebrated Efi's birthday. This Indonesia colleague. Bought KFC, MacDonalds' fries and party over lunch in our office. Well..the cake came later. Not forgetting, the amusing "amazing race" for the birthday girl, for her to locate her present after a demanding series of clue-searching. The final clue turned out to be in my boss' room (hehehe). Truly comical to witness the game.

Well well..I wished my birthday would have been more adventurous!

De one with Smiley Day

Sunshine

Today's a happy day. I mean real happy! Most probably gonna sleep with a smile heh!!

Reason? I ain't gonna tel you.. well..ok..perhaps just abit. I spotted something I've been crazy over lately! Jeezz..am I blushing?

Afternoon made my way back to office to clear my assignment and accompanied Alice, my Indonesian colleague to Cityhall. She got her foundation, I got my new Biotherm facial product! After which we had dinner at Mos and had a couple of good laughs over our conversation on face.

She even asked, jokingly, on what were my remedies to maintain a flawless face. Omg.

Hehe.. WELL.. it's the thing I saw which made me over-flow with joy!

De one with Fei Yue Audit

Erm.. Fine Weather

First and foremost, please bear with my uncertainty about the weather. Was coped up in client's place which obviously had no view of the outside. Well, there is a window. Unfortunately, it's covered with opaque blinds! So... well..

2nd day at Fei Yue! Urh.. not really good. Kinda lost because what I thought were simple turned out tricky. Sighz. Nevermind, trying my best but daaaymm.. it's getting abit daunting. Probably due to my dislike for not having control and eventual confidence at what I'm doing. Duh!

Nothing much, more or less. Met the accountant, Lawrence Kwok. I believe he is a Hongkonger, recognising his accent. No good too because I malu myself when I mistakably present him with a wrong GL printout and he realised my mistake. Imaginatively "shrink" into the size of a shoe. Not to mention, the constant feeling of oppressive pressure from this accountant's considerably prominent background and rich experience.

Well.. two weeks, hopefully less and I'm done with Fei Yue.. no fun..

De one with Optimist-ing

Rebirth

Two weeks ago, I received my results for my fourth semester. I failed. Worse was when I came home after out-pro from my in-camp training. It was Friday evening when the discouraging news dawn before me, right before my eyes when the screen flashed my results.

Well, perhaps lately, alot of devastating incidents occurring around me, which had immuned me both mentally and emotionally. Trust me, I've met worst prior this. Of course, immunity doesn't literally mean I have become unfeeling. And I wouldn't deny, I was upset. However, the first reaction was to type and email my appeal, with frail hopes and wish of "the final struggle" to the course administrator, for a change of results. Unfortunately, the revert, which came a week plus later, confirmed my intuitions of its un-success.

Although I have suffered the ever-coming downs, I've learnt to become strong and picked myself up to move on with life. My colleagues were encouraging. Including my manager who kept telling me not to be discouraged and that I could make it. Well.. I believe my mummy
(if she was still by my side), she'd have very much said the same.

Sorry to all my readers, but I guess later my blogs depicted most of my depressing moments. Well, I tend to conceal my melancholy feelings and pour them out in words in here. I'm a writting/drawing person ba.

Work's getting busier. Ironic as it may sound, I failed my corporate accounting but I just completed doing consolidation for foreign companies, it's grandson and son. And subsequently, the son and father (who's a local company). Next week, I'll be doing audit for one of our "premium" clients, FeiYue. Heard it's a prominent charitable bodies in Singapore. I'm just looking forward to face this new challenge..well.erm.. alone.

Recently, I've been neglecting my honey. Usually after work, I'll take cab home just to be back home early to accompany my granny. She has been lonely since the depart of my younger brother. And my Aunt, Mama, usually went home earlier just to avoid the nagging of my granny.

I'm trying to be optimistic. So.. today I shall talk about happy moments in my life..

Remembered those days when my family brought us to Switzerland and Gold Coast, Australia. It was a half-yearly family affair. Remember fond memories of being abroad, take photos with my younger brother and hearing my mummy who was always complaining about my "selfish" father who was always indirectly neglecting us in pursuit of his eagerness over sight-seeing. Undesirable but paradoxically, the overwhelming joy of vacation impression-ed joyful chapter in my young-boy, care-free days.

Another happiest moment in my life was when I was in secondary school. My studies were reasonably good, CCA commitment presented me with abundance of honor from achievements in winning at outdoor band coms, experiencing the unimaginable such as performing along Orchard Rd during Chingay 1999/under the pressure of a full-house National Stadium. My parents would always turn up for every band com. The school canteen sellers adore me. Gosh, everything fell in place so nicely, fulfilling all aspect. Simply splendid!

Birthdays! Haven't been celebrating now but DON'T CHA just love it when you get presents, cut birthday cakes and entitle yourself to ONCE-A-YEAR chance to wish for something (although it may not always be fulfilled..hehe). Nonetheless, it's MY day. Not to forget, the amazing feeling of realising how long have you been living on the universe! Awwwesome~

The good old JC days. All in debt to the presence of unforgettable friends and glory of being sectional leader hor! Truly must disclose the everlasting laughter and intense feeling of belonging during this two years of copper period! Keke.. lemme get a munch of humble pie.

Alvin Tan. Knowing Alvin as a friend, was as if adding streak of rainbow to spice up my life. Appreciating and doing things which I'd never though I would do, his accompany realised how important friends were to me and delivered more than meets the eye on things we could do with friends like treating dinner, late night KTV, the non-stop actions... His life truly packed with continuous activities and I always felt so small, realising how little my life was. Truly admire and envy his vibrant life which I got involved in for a couple of months!

Well.. time waits for no one - the phrase I used to read on the cover of my full-scape paper-pad when I was still in primary school. Not until recent age when its meaning reveal clear to my understanding. Overtime, people you met and happenings encountered evolved around you. People couldn't explain why this phenomena, unintentionally excuse by saying "that's just part and puzzle of life". No offence. Undoubtedly, it's convincingly true in a sense.

Que sara sara, whatever will be, will be... I very much believe things would turn out better for me. So I've decided to continue "optimis-ing" while the clock is ticking!