De one with Breakaway

Clouds, rain but no sun

Nowadays, I've been struggling with attempts to breakaway from my heartache. I can see that big question mark or the slanting lower jaw as your lips motioned a "huh".. Ok, here's a relieve..

Just like what I've texted Mohan, it's time for sunny-boy-rejuvenation! (Ok, FYI, I was a sporty person a few years back ok). I need to focus my energy on other things. For example, try new experiences like, perhaps driving. Chin Yu, no more bugging from you on this.. I'll learn eventually.. ha.. I shall plan my time wisely to incorporate this into my already-busy lifestyle.

How can a sunshine boy do without his tan? Promised myself I'll spend my weekend, visiting an old friend The Sun.. (here's a secret which can't be shared, oops) *speaks in discreet* it kissed me during my secondary, army, freshie days.

Max goes gym. Zhen Ze's recently signing up at California. Everybody's gyming.. how could I not be inspired? Eh, think it's about time I tone up. Ok, Clara and Mohan, I know, I will eat more in order to get fats to be converted to muscles. Dammmm.

I need to concentrate on my studies and work..both would fetch me closer to my ultimate realised dream: Hume avenue!! Yup..

Of course, another priority is to further-develop my filial-piety responsibility. Now, I'm considering spending once a week with my daddy, who's living alone at my empty bishan home. I mean, all these years, I've only been closed with my mummy. It's time to treasure those who will always have a place for me in their hearts.

Caution: The above mentioned includes friends. Close friends like Clara, Mohan, everybody.. who can't possibly be there for me all the time, but always remain in my heart, else prioritised-memory in circumstances where my heart is too capacitated.

For now, J is still running. Jeez.. seriously need to maintain my stamina. Besides, I'd even target to go the extra mile to push it to higher limits~ Upset I didn't participate in the AHM this year. *Nobody's willing to join with me* I still try new experiences..like Standard Chartered full marathon. Hah! Gabantte!

Although I keep telling myself it's time to become less pretty, appearance-maintainance is a must! This includes age-defining! Currently, I've resumed my visits to Anna, my beautician. Hehe. She commented since I'm so good at styling my hair and DIY eye-brow triming, I should have joined the trade of an make-up artiste. Eh.. I thought otherwise.. wouldn't that be too.. I don't know.. let's just say I enjoy drawing with my imagination which I think, is unrelated and inapplicable to live person's face?
And no, Mohan, not into fashion designing~

Well, I've achieve abit this year. Although my priorities and resolutions changes constantly since the beginning of the year. I've learnt to become stronger in times of extreme grief. My work's showing returns. My finance control's shown improvement in heavy desires towards a dream (You're right Chin Yu, life's more focused with a goal). My social skills have earned recognition in aligned with clients.

A director, who treated me lunch during my outstation-audit, encouraged me to enjoy too. Which explains my engagement of an overseas' vacation towards the year end. Primely purposes includes to learn, experience and expand my exposure!

Let's hope, sunshine boy Jason would shine! "Shine for Singapore, this is" MY "song..deep inside" MY "heart, where it belong it'll always stay. Strive for" MY "goals," JASON "will achieve, with" DREAMS and WISHES "so bold"..."Reach for the sky far and beyond"..

Not ready to spread my wings yet.. so..err..no Kelly Clarkson's song here "to blog"..hehe

De one with Parts

Disintegrated

It is my personality which kills me of people my heart's fallen with. Shortfall of sociability and thanks to B, who indirectly implied, affirmed by Mohan, that I wasn't any close to being sporty. To top the stakes of my despair, Mohan told me frankly that I was just being a despo. I wouldn't deny.. my unconcealed plead of guiltiness to the truth he's spoke off. I'm just so.. "emo"..

I'm so sick and tired.. really..well, likwise for everybody else, I know. I just don't see why I've become like this.

De one with Fantastic 23rd Birthday~

Happiest day after all these weeks

Ermm..there are videos and photos.. sadly all might have to wait awhile before I get hold of them for putting up!

Oh dear.. the candle of my age has denied gravity and grew 23 last Thursday. Didn't have much time to blog last week because I've been celebrating most throughout. Just grateful, my special day has fetched some light to relieve all these weeks of sadness~~

Last Saturday, tribal gang deprived me of my voice at our KTV session. Here's what happened on my actual day..

Prior returning to office, having done EIPIC special audit at Jurong East, Rebecca, Yi wei and Huimin were already delivering their lively birthday greetings via sms-es. In order to get back in time for lunch, I decided on cabbing back. Too bad, the pizza hut delivery only arrived around 2+pm.

We had 4 medium pizza (Hawaiian, Chicken Supreme, Seafood and Curry chicken), 2 garlie bread, spicy drumlets, honey-gazed chicken wings and 2 boxes of starry munchies. Too bad, Efi forgotten to make a separate request for chili-flakes and cheese. They forced me to eat 2 pieces lor..when I was already bloated having eaten 1 piece Hawaiian, 1 drumlet and 1 garlie bread. (eat too much heaty food no good.. cause pimples too!)

Lincoln and TanSing went out to get me a strawberry-laid cheesecake. Nice! I made a pretty long, "greedy" wish?!? Once a year affair, might as well fully utilise! haha. Kidding la.. only wished for what my heart's dreaming of becoming true.

The Jason tradition continues... gave out goodies bags, similar to previous years. I wrote short descriptions about my colleagues on their bags. hehe like that then interesting mah.

This year was better, instead of a slice of cheesecake from Starbucks, I had a whole cheesecake and a feast? Present was bigger but I had to stripped countless layers! My colleagues! In the end, it turned out to be the packet of biscuits with icing (which Rebecca bought for me during her visit to Rodex at Tanjong Pagar). Efi said they wanted to remind me that I haven't eat this yet. My goodness.

Then came another present, which Rebecca said is my rightful present. Sigh....... erm.. kinda disappointed when I unwrapped it to discover a girly forever friends mug. They all asked me delightfully whether I liked the present, guess my facial expression gave my disappointment away. No choice lah, gotta say it's ok. I even disclosed tribal gang got me similar mug during my 21st birthday.

My boss, Gabriel, came to comfort me loh.. asking why they so cruel to me as to get only a packet of biscuit and mug.. He funnily suggest to present me 50 bucks from our office's petty cash. Sigh.. Honestly, I seriously questioned my popularity and importance in the office to have received such gifts lor..

I was thinking.. perhaps it's just my luck ba.. everybody don't seemed to value me as a friend on my birthday. Felt like tearing. My disappointment didn't last until 6+pm. There was this courier guy who came in with a parcel addressed to me. It was actually a plot! Dammn.. Rebecca still lied to me that the parcel was from a new client taken up, and I was gullible to believed her.

Opened up and discovered an A4 sized parcel, with a picture of the back of a bikini girl. Geez.. "what the hell.." was shooting passed my mind at that instance. Then! Only when I discovered an A4 sized envelope, on which I recognised the deco (by Efi) did I figured out the prank!

My actual present wasn't the biscuit/mug. It was a Ripcurl boardshorts and the enormous card! They went through the rain and hard-efforts, finally locating the smallest waistline 28 at the Citylink branch. Geez..*tears*

They aksed me to try on .. so I was in my shirt and ripcurl boardshorts. Hilarious combi.

Left office pretty early, brought an ice-cream cake from Thomson Plaza's Swensons in order for a second celebration with Jasmine and ahma. It was simple but heart-warming. Never thought I'd enjoy my special day with mummy and Jimson disappearing from my life.

*Dear Mummy, Jimson, I'd give anything to have you both present to celebrate my birthday like always*

Before I slept, I read the card which my colleagues wrote. Most of them included God's love is with me. Else, asking me to eat more! Nonetheless, I was deeply touched to tears.

*To all my fellow colleagues at Gabriel Ng & Co, thanks for everything and this remarkably fun experience on my 23rd birthday! One year plus and I'm so glad I have such nice, friendly colleagues to work with*

The next day, Janet from AblePack treated me lunch at a Japanese restaurant.. Met Mohan for our mini-belated birthday party..we ate at "The Big O" cafe restaurant (duno if I've got this right), some place we've never been to.. watched 12 Lotus at the Cathay. It was not really fantastic but in my opinion, it speaks very deeply on the complexity and speaks bold of those helplessly in love. Good work, Royston Tan!

*Mohan: I can't help thanking you for being such a dear friend whose's willing to go out every now and then! The late night coffee chats and accompany! Thanks*

Remarkable birthday boy had an AWESOME birthday week! Though there were a few whom I was expecting something, didn't really deliver.. I'm just contented!

*To B, thanks for your short, distant but heart-felt wishes.*

*Clara: Big separate thanks for the adoring Chip and Dale pushies. Everynight I'll smile whenever I look at them beside me before I sleep. Not forgetting your endless support as a friend, your precious time, supper and efforts to purchase the present on the gang's behalf!*

*My dear dear tribal gang members: GekKiak, Jessamine, Weicai (wherever you are), Ivan, Loo Wan, Kok Sin, Jielong (in US studying), Weili.. it's been honorable sticking as friends for 5 over years. Our friendsip will forever be treasured in my heart. Thanks for remembering and/or celebrating my birthday every year!*

*Emerson, those who sms me your cordial greetings. Thanks thanks!*

De one with Heart-shattered Again

In tears

I have given up love, loved and lost all happening within 3 days. Too much to bear over my past. Silly infatuations and gave my heart out too easily. These are the main reasons.

Am really losing my confidence in myself to ever commit into anything again.

Perhaps it's karma. Perhaps.. sigh.. nevermind.

De one with Gang Celebrates Birthday

The night was still young

Yeap, it was non-stop action since Friday night after I took a cab home. Worked until 3+am and I concassed. Regained consciousness around 8:30, Dalelala didn't give me my wake up call as communicated over sms in the morning before I went off to bed.

Troublesome OB assignment.. 950 words, took me like what? A night to complete. Not to mention those crazy evenings of gathering and reading through the research materials. Targeted to complete the dreadful assignment at noon. However, it spilled over till 3+pm. And that's not all, I had to rush to AMK central just to "house" my hardwork into a presentable file..agonizing why I never thought of purchasing one earlier.. or a binder.

Alas, I took a cab, talked to this interesting "fanatic about driving" cabbie, who drove with his thighs when he was showing me his amazing accomplishments of driving license. I must admit, he's good.

I instructed the chatty cabby to wait for me while I got off at campus to tender my assignment before hopping back up and balek kumpong.. crazy right? Craziness cost me over 19 bucks. Oh my..

As I thought poor me could get some rest, it was 5 and Loo Wan reminded me I had to reach Tampines Safra @ 6. Of course, I had a vaild reason to be late. Rushed down in a cab.. that's like another 19 bucks further from my "Hume avenue dream".. Ok lah.. thank goodness the dinner at the Sakura was ok. Loo Wan was suaning ("sarcastic") at me for feasting so little. Like I care! Buffet's about eating in variety, not about over-filling to make more than what you've paid. Very wrong misconception in most people!

We took awhile, as usual, before deciding on KTV at Downtown East. Sung until my voice broke. It wasn't until 3am before I went to meet B, chat, and sleepover. Well..

In fact, the celebration, though not every gang member turned up, the quarum was there. HAha. Too much church audit. Nonetheless, I was contented they got me an expensive gold cufflings from Raoul (didn't really like) but I gotta thank them! THANKS MY FELLOW TRIBAL GANG!


Dalelala "adopted" me two pushies. I've gotta tell you, it's like elixir of joy to me! Grown up and guy still like chipmunks pushies?! Wait till you see them, it'll melt your heart with glowing exuberance!
Don't you just adore them at first sight? Big thanks to you all, Dalelala~

De one with Turning Old

Oh---old...

On my way rushing back home in a cab, the conversation with Lawrence (the accountant from Fei Yue) kept repeating itself at the back of my mind, like an endless broken track. He had asked how old I was during our tele-conversation. I allowed him to go ahead with a guess which kinda turned out to be "25!". Sigh!.. At that moment, a big bead of perspiration flashed on my forehead. *Diao~*

Naturally, I was gracious enough to tell him calmly, in a light-hearted manner, instead of scolding him all the worst of language (damn-it). Sounded something like "no la.. haha, am not that old la.. only turning 23".. and he replied, "wa...... you've got a bright future ahead"..

Sigh.. am I that old? Well.ok... lemme "liquidate" all these sighs which I'm using. Daaammit..

Ok.. let's keep cool.. and what I did, I figured it won't hurt to take a peek on my handphone camera. Right.. can't deny I'm turning old.. that Jason on camera looked so haggard due to all the late night and depression. God... I need some sun in me..

De one with Lethargic

Accomplished anything but nothing

My entire week could be crumpled into a ball and thrown into the waste-paper bin. That opening gives it away. So much for doing work. My individual OB assignment becomes due in less than 48 hours and swear to God, I've yet to put my act together.

Everyday I've been doing nothing but continuing with my "secret". Might as well give me "one tight slap to wake Mr Dreamy Jason up!

Rebecca's not in office, my Ablepack was came to a haul due to some glitch which Efi and I couldn't resolved. Sigh. Thinking of it is already enough to cause quite a fair bit of headaches. Perhaps that's why I've been seeking relief in being dreamy. Haah.. No choice lor, I proceeded with MasterCorp.. smoothsailing job I tell you honestly.. That leaves 2 more to go (Ablepack and another special audit) and it's time for the ultimate Property job..* oh man*

Lethargic week.. really... I could have done so much..awkss! still coughing, geez and dear Clara is threatening my Chip & Dale happy pushies if I don't participate in the KTC session this saturday.. Yuacks..

De one with Sweet and Crazy about Love

Memories overflow

Humans beings are sophisticated creatures. Due to their remarkable intelligence which distinguished themselves from other species, it also provides them with vast capabilities. Capabilities enabling their five senses, to have emotions and many more.

I'm not exception. Believe everyone has their stories to tell. Stories of crazy and smitten things they have done. Some expressed it through actions, some evident in drama-series, on-screen in movies, most written in diaries, evolving into online blogs. Like myself.

2001
I realised my feelings for a girl in class during secondary school days. That was the first time I spent $30 plus to purchase bear, have in sitting in a mug and packaged in a piggy-designed paper bag. It was not crazy. Perhaps I was young and $30 was quite considerable and partially because I've never done something so obvious in my expression of infatuation.

2003-2004
Came JC, I denied my parents' permission to go out late with my very first ex. There was once I plead my friend (who turned 21) to help me subscribed a line for my ex. I even dug out my savings to get a handphone for my ex. Not to mention, collectively throughout our 1 and 3/4 years' relationship, I incurred bad debts amounting to 5K. *Ok, no clinching of teeth, it's past.*

Back then, I didn't know how to play the piano. But I own a keyboard. Hence, I put in alot of effort to learn Jay Chou's 龙卷风. However, by the time I mastered the piece, my sole audience left.

January 2005
Then came A around 2005. Unknowingly, my handphone bill shot to $1k plus because we have been calling and texting each other during my two weeks in New Zealand. Was doing NS exercise back then. On A's birthday, I sketched a drawing of the both of us, decorated the border and framed it with a glass panel from Ikea.

On A's examination day, I bought a pack of 7 essences of chicken. Wrote the subject and date on the individual caps, wishing A the best of luck. Got a wine holder bottle and Shiraz from my Melbourne trip. A was fascinated with Gundam models, there was once I got a Gundam Freedom model and packaged it with a Ripcurl T-sheet.

Gifts aside, there was once A worked on an assignment till morning. A texted and felt like like having Mac breakfast, I left home, rushed down to A's doorstep, just to deliver Big breakfast at 5+am in the morning. *I know, it's silly*

July 2006
Purchased a $600+ handphone, Samsung E900 for R.

Haha, actually not much, but I must admit, these things were unimaginable. Didn't know what got into me to have done all these foolish things.

Of course, I wouldn't deny perhaps it's incomparable to other touching and great things people might have done for their loved ones. Which explains why they lived happily ever after and mine keeps... Nah.. just kidding.

We always do things willingly to bring joy to others, as much as we derived joy from doing so. Which is what's important and nothing more satisfying than that. Just hope someone you care for as much does appreciate and would be willing to do likewise someday. =)

De one with National Day 2008

Wet evening

Happy birthday Singapore!! Can't seemed to explain nor figure out why there's always a ceremonious passion on our nation's important day. What about you? Where and what were you doing today?

As for me, spent my morning smiling as I done granny a favour of helping her carry two bagful of give-out necessities which she collected from the Community Centre. Some give-outs for the elderly event I'd guess.

Nothing much after that. Was rotting my day away at home and feasting on chocolates, a packet of potato chips. Sinful. I know. Don't bother reminding me.

Was supposed to get my ars working on my OB assignment, which will be due next sat. Damm... all the materials are still un-moved. Instead, I was watching TV. National Day Parade was moderate. Didn't deviate much from previous years'. I sighted some of my favourite stuff like colorful lightings, spectacular fireworks, graceful water works.. what else can I say.. Saw something oldschool.. hearing the national anthem and reciting of the pledge with the right fist to the heart..brings back the good old-school-practice memories. Lol.

Went out eventually. Mohan text me around 8:25 for late dinner. It was an abrupt meeting. Well, we had coffee as usual, talking stuff, with me continuing with my endless yearning for some impossible someone. Geezz.. However, I'm just glad to be there for a friend.

De one with Cough

Dizzy day

Today its back to work after two days of medical leave. Heartache first thing in the morning when I had to take a cab down to work as I was running late. Unknowingly, a surge of dizziness creep within me since yesterday evening when I attended lecture. My entire body feels weak. Sigh. It can't be the medicine. I requested the doctor to give me non-drowsy ones!?!

Anyway, it's a day of battling with dizzy spells. When I walk around, I feel like as if I were stepping on clouds.

Craziest thing was I took a cab to and flown from office to campus, got the required textbooks for my OB project and back to office, all thanks to my scattered-brain. I forgot to bring the required notes which I left in my office cupboard the last time round.

On my way back to home, I proceeded with my "secret", occasionally staring out at the moving landscape, I let my fond thoughts wonder out to play within my head.. thinking if... well.. I think too much.. Perhaps let nature runs its course, wait and it shall be given

De one with Someone's Telling Me Something

Figuring through life's mist

After dinner, I received a text from my cousin and note miss calls from my home. Perhaps due to dreadful experience or intuition, my thoughts up-roared "not again, nothing must happen to any of my scared family members"... in my head, and my heartbeat pounding alongside when I returned call to my cousin who directed another number which belongs to my paternal uncle.

After getting the details, I hopped into a cab and rushed all the way from Chinatown (the place where I dined with my colleagues) to St Joseph's Home in Jurong West St 23. Learnt from my uncle that my aunt wouldn't last through tonight.

Although I wasn't close to my aunt (whom we addressed as "gu gu" or "paternal aunt" in chinese), we used visit her with our parents during every chinese new year. I recall those days of going to her one-room flat, eating crackers and watching "Journey to the West" which never seemed to stop broadcasting by Singapore mediaCorp or TCS at the time. The least I could remember was her kind hospitality despite she was a pauper and her gentle down-to-earth and strong character which left a deep impression since young.

She was a tough lady, working most of the time. Yet yesterday, the frail and thin lady lying on the bed before me, breathing on a life support machine, reflected a total contrary to my childhood impression of my aunt. It was heart-breaking to see her so thin and weak. I could do nothing but stare at her, and ask occasional questions to learn how she was admitted to the home for the hospice.

The last time I saw gu gu was at SGH with my ah-ma and ma-ma when she suffered hydra-inflammation in her lungs. What I never learnt was a month later, gu gu underwent an operation for breast cancer and was admitted to St Joseph Home thereafter. Sad thing I didn't visit her this year because of Jimson, my work and life commitments.

Last year, we just did our visit, without Mummy... just Jimson, daddy and me. This year, one more member passed away just like that. It sorrow emerges, the grief resurface and heart drowns in tears again.

On my journey to SJH yesterday, I kept questioning myself.. what is it which I've done wrong to undergo this dreadful thing over and over again.. Is it my bad karma? Painfully, I screamed in silence, if there was a God, what is he trying to tell me? Why has it got to be upon my family to make me go through these recurring pain... someone's telling me something...

De one with Sunday's with Clara

Clara day

Yesterday night I have been racing against time in order to produce my part for the accounting project. It lasted from 12 noon after I got back from a knowledge-acquiring cum heart-lightening coffee chat with Mohan at Thomson's Starbucks. All the way till 5am. Basically, the my parts included finding and elaborating how accounting standards were being introduced and developed by both Internation Certified Practising Accountants of Singapore (ICPAS) annd Accounting Standards Council (ASC). Also, to read and comment about Financial report standards of Singapore and that of the Australian accounting standards board. Particularly, issues concerning intangible assets and property, plant and equipment. Imagine having to read chunks of words in the middle of the night... totally wicked.

I thought I woke up at 9am. Supposed to meet Clara 12 noon @ Queenstonw MRT. Turned out I was freaking late and only arrived 1 pm with the poor Clara waiting at one of my favourite diner restaurant - IKEA. It was crowded. Managed to get a reasonably sumptuous lunch.: Clara had poached salmon set, two chicken wings and (join me in applause) my favourite Swiss meatball! *ooo I can see your saliva drooling*

Besides the meatball, my main objective was to purchase a jar-liked-bottle for my secret. And thankfully, I came across one! Lovely. Miss Crab? She did good with a jacket cover.

We headed to Centre @ Clarkquay to search for chip and dale soft toy. Disappointingly and sad, there were none to be found except the large ones which Clara wanted to get last month when we were in Cineleisure. Worst was when I reeaally wanted to get these at Cine later, a girl took the last pair. The letdown struck my heart in two like an unstoppable lightening.

We went Paragon to browse Crumpler store. Spotted one blue, red and white bag which was nice. I bought a blue Nike running singlet, replenished my CK Eternity cologne and got a new pair of adoring cufflings from Raoul.

We took a bus from Hereen busstop advanced to Suntec City. There, Clara did some shopping, in aid of her sister for the company's farewell gift to Gek kiah (GK). Ok, you look lost. Clara's sister happens to work in the same company as GK. Due to studies, GK is quitting her job and the company wants to get a farewell gift for her. Since Clara was out, her sister pleaded her help to obtained as it was urgent. Phew...so much for illustration of other's business.

Anyway, dale-lala was getting the Nike water-bottle for GK's gift when I discovered another yellow cum white running singlet. You should have been there to see how dalelala was monstrously discouraging and forbidding me to proceed with the purchase of a second singlet. Eventually, I got through lah. Hehe.

We settled dinner at Cafe Cartel since dalelala mentioned about the tantalising pork ribs available there. I preferred texas chicken to pork. After that what else? We jalan jalan by foot to Bugis. Hehe. By then, most shops were closed. But I still managed to get my underwears just seconds before the closure. Thereafter, we chilled out at our last stop at TCC for desserts and tea.

It was a wonderful Sunday. At least, it took my mind off certain upsetting issue and my heart lightens up with jokes and silly things like: putting food twice in my mouth when the waiter approached me. What's wrong with me? Yesterday at Starbucks, I actually told the sales-assistant to have my oreo-cheesecake warmed up. Jeez..

De one with 6th Day of Missing You

Miserable

This morning, we rushed our Fei Yue report, just in time for their meeting which was at 6:30pm. Surprisingly, the sense of achievement and relieve weren't felt within me. I let out a sigh and a dreadful blank emotion was charged up in my sian (tired in Hokkien) mind.

Yiwei helped me with the reports preparing when I received the signed documents from Lawrence, the accountant. I felt so helpless.

Anyway, it's done. I left office around half past seven. Initially decided to just hop into a cab and take a speedy ride home. Thankfully, my inner-self reminded me of my "Condo" dream and changed course to the bus interchange where I took a long-hour journey back on transIsland bus 851.

Keep your jaws and eyes intact.. I cried on my way home. Unmanly? Embarrassing? Hell with it. Was listening to some Jay Chou's sendimental songs and heart-ache tears clouded my vision, and streamed down when the corner of my eyes couldn't hold any longer.

That moment as I looked out at the sight of Chinatown, brightly lit and glamoring its passengers, my vacant mind disengaged for the vocalisation of Mohan's, Ben's and others' opinion, which made me realised how pragmatically foolish I am to keep feeling depressed over somebody..

Worst of me even to think of folding hearts which A used to fold twice for me. A personally torn the first one because I was too shy to receive it. Why am I such an introvert?!!

I suddenly recalled there was something a very sweet thing A would do. That was folding a heart out of a bus ticket. Well..partly because bus tickets are obsolete, which kinda contributed to more delight due to its nostalgic feel.

When I got back, my heart melt with gratitude when I found the heart A gave me 3 years ago, safe-kept in my TOUGH-wallet. After while, I learnt how to fold the heart myself and made myself a secret promise with God, whom-heaven-concerns.. for my lifetime happiness...for my lifetime..happiness.

De one with Unforgettable

Gloomy filled the day

It's not use torturing yourself! Get over it and move on.. that would what a rational Jason ought to realise. I did.. 3 years ago. However, like I've said in my previous blog, a spark of devil's work caught me off guarded and I succumbed to my spur of immorality.

Along with it, all deep feelings that I thought was dissipated, rejuvenated miraculously...and the chronic depression infected my heart at tremendous speed. Lately, my presence in office was like an eclipse, casting shadows over the warm-yellow painted office interior. My colleagues can't help mistakenly feel my demoralised mood was due to the undesirably long and relentless Fei Yue audit.

In fact, my desperate misses and reminiscing unforgettable memories were the main culprit for my down-mood. The remembering of being hugged, sweet moments made me feel the bitter sweet heartache.. hurting so much the silent cry took precedent of my emotions.

Sadly, my work got adversely affected. I couldn't concentrate not complete anything!!

At the back of my mind, another problem was bothering me. My suspicions about my health begin to grow concern gradually.

The medication? Mohan went out with me for dinner at pasta. He was like.."I'm gonna slap you" when he tried pointing out my mistake. Unfortunately, I continue to procrastinate efforts to resolve the problem which was the root of my unhappiness.

I bought chocolates. A medication for a broken-heart. Sadly, it'd only tide me for the next 12 days. More than enough, Mohan opinioned. Is it enough? Yesterday, I mentioned even a gallon of choc wouldn't subside my "devastation".

I'm so outrageously immature I know, to continue struggling in this never-ending pain. I shouldn't have to be this way... when I know what the odds are..

Ooh.. Jehovah, please grant us a common pave that leads to eternity? Can putting on eternity cologne make it easier? Just as long I don't hurt anybody.

De one with The Hug

Late night Sunday

"It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all."
- Alfred Lord Tennyson

This entire week I've been going back to office almost everyday. Believe it or not, I went to work on a sunny sunday at 3 and only left office at half past midnight.

Fei Yue..what else..

Lately I've been distracted at work. More of my heart singing for something or someone else. Over and repetitively in my head, I kept thinking, if it weren't for the tight embrace, these feelings wouldn't have been stirred up loose once again.

I thought i had it all within my control.

Jee.. I still miss you alot, A... so badly, it hurts like how it felt 2 years ago. Very much did I want to tell and thank you for being the critical reason I have became sociable like who I am today.

"Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss, and ends with a teardrop."

De one with Wretchedly Sinned

Grey

A gallon of chocolate can't conjure a single drop of happiness to turn my charcoal-heart, so badly and irreversibly ruined with the flame of sin.. with scorning intensity that might have been flames from the deepest shadowed pits of hell. I've never felt so down-cast before.

No angels will weep for they have took flight and departed distant from my pressence. If there was a God, I reckoned he'd carry me on his back. Not even the Buddha in our hearts would sprinkle any benevolence unto me. All blessings seemed abandoned.

The flowers I breathe upon wither like melting plastics. And the undissipated stench of roted deeds effervescently cloud above and surrounding me. Ay... I've sinned.

I feel utterly lost. Life appears like a piece of tissue. Crumple with the slightest force, blown miles away with e gentlest breeze, frailed instantly when smeared with water.

I knew I should move on, but shamefully, I've never ever learn to let go. Disgracefully hopeless and helpless. The tornado of twists in my life keep occurring and on. I knew it's impossible. Yet today did I realised I've retained so much (as it is growing) for you. I have even skipped class just to be there with you. Subjecting myself to oppression with willingness. Gosh, I really do me in.

Never knew what to do with my accumulating grieve as life is fading of colors, representing meanings.

No forgiveness would atone my sin, unspeakable beyond its fact.

De one with Shopping Alone!

Raining night

Today I skipped lecture. Was really tired of attending lectures after a chain of 3 days, supposedly 4 including today's if I had made my appearance at campus. Well, haven't been to shopping since it was either work or school. I decided to take a shopping "retreat" after I left work at 6pm.

Right from day start, this decision to skip lecture was clear. Got my mobile phone to send "invitations" to a bunch of people. Out of 5, 4 replied. 2 didn't. 2 couldn't make it. 1 could, however it turns out she had other appointment. Eh! so that means adding 1 to those who "couldn't". Hehe.

Nevermind about the disappointing effort. I told myself I'm not pathetic and went to Vivo City alone and courageously! Within 1 hour, I comfortably spent $358. Amazing? *erm.. I see your bulging eyes and dropping jaws. Not to mention..that obviously loud "WHAT?!"

Well, the main attribute was the shirt and a sweet collar-tee from River Island.

Managed to satisfy my temptation long born and restricted from the last time I was at Vivo with my colleagues, buying presents for office's July babies. Muhaha.

2nd runner up was home videos entertainment. A new show "Spiderwick" was released. Nice.

But the very bore move was taking "Heroes" DVD off the rack , after a few occassions of being caught in a dilemma on its purchase in the past.

Not forgetting, bought lots of candy from Candy Empire and Marks & Spencers!


Well, though not #1, my priority of going Vivo was to acquire printer-ink cartridge. Cost me $89+ for a twin package. Unwilling but can't help it. The lecture notes calls for desperate need for depleted ink.

Spending money like nobody's business is discouraging I know. However, it's been ages since I came out and coming out alone! Jee.. Lately alot of people have been singing praises of me being young, handsome. I doubt so?!? Or am I too naive to notice?

*Munch munch* I guess a humble pie is delicious for now....nonetheless!

De one with Giving Out & Not Returned

Cold despite the warm weather

Recently, I watched this Hong Kong drama "The Drive of Life" and a statement in one of the episodes, caught my attention and subsequently imprinted itself deeply in my mind. It says "give your heart out to others and others give theirs to you". Right now as I'm blogging, it kinda bear some familiarity with God's testimony or bible phrases.

Personally, I believe it's true. Partially.. not that true enough. Definitely, not this evening. As you know, I've worked at Gabriel's office for over a year. And it's kinda sad to declare my limited growth both in work and fitting in with my colleagues. Well, let's pave the exposure I've got.

It always seemed unclear about my proximity with my fellow work-mates whom, I reckon, are close to me even after 1 year on board the company. Perhaps it's my personality which they never discover or I didn't show or express. It's sad. Colleagues is one of the crucial factors to consider and I did honestly, thought of quiting because I don't feel belonged.

Call it jealousy or what (for all I care) but I've been committed in my job yet this new colleague just fit in because he can talk and he's new. Well.. it kinda affected me and getting on my nerve when I try to search what's the problem in me.

In the midst of searching for the root of problem, I begin to feel fed-up with myself. Jeez.. it's really detestable why I gave my heart out and it seems nobody give a daamm about me.

Well..then again, the angel Jason will advise giving doesn't mean receiving the same later. I know.. Am I really this utter failure? Am I really competent even if I keep trying? Dammm..

Moreover, I really dislike being so pushy and lost of direction. Sigh..

Heart-broken

I was the last person to leave office at 10:30 today. Nearly cried because somehow I couldn't help but feel perhaps I don't belong. Especially, the colleagues around. Honestly, no matter how much I do or the things I've done for the Company, I never really felt drawn close to them.

Time and again, it let loose and I feel the new colleagues fit in better with my seniors. It's like "marginalisation". Repeatedly, I keep consoling myself, reprimanding my over-sensitiveness and for goodness sake, I'm a guy who's ought to have an open-heart.

Perhaps, it's the innate Leo character in me, always wanted to be in the center of a group. Perhaps, I'm too spoiled with everything revolving around me. I'm too sheltered with love and attention since young. And partly, I'm too naive.

After Huimin, Rebecca and Alice left, I was so close to crying in the dead silence of loneliness. Nobody bothered to feed my mobile phone's inbox. My mind's abit exhausted. My heart feeling fatigue.. too heavy to feel anymore pain from being alone and uncared for.

Is there no one? Or are all these his testing on me? "Kindly grant me a break-through", yearns my heart, with tears gathering form thy eye-duct. "Pls... forgive my sins, mis-doings and clip a pair of wings on my back to alleviate all these shadows of loneliness, imperfections and unhappiness."

De one with I Shouldn't Have

Drizzles from the night sky

Afternoon I was running late for our gang meeting. Supposed to have arrived at Bugis (our decided meeting venue) at 1:3opm. Embarrassingly, I only reached almost 1.5 hours later with Clara in a cab. Excused? None. Truth was, I didn't wanted to reach early and get stuck with nothing except entertaining myself? Or not.. just don't wish to be early.

Anyway, the next moment we found ourselves in Seoul garden, happily cooking and eating all the cooked/uncooked food. The talking came gradually. I didn't talked much. Did cracked some cold joke. Well, some funny, some not so. Can you imagine hilarious statements such as "Wait! Later my chicken cannot hatch" when Loo Wan was camouflaging the soup with a canopy of vegetables when I was cooking my hard-boiled egg in the soup. And one more "the PORK got drown in the flood" when actually, I was referring to "PIGS", explaining why they shouldn't eat Sichuan chicken or pork (no offence, due to possible food-shortage in Sichuan)

Jielong and Ivan were having a fun time in their creative cooking with all those unwanted food and ingredients such as prawn's head, burnt eggs. Damm.. we gotta give it to them, they do have some chef-in-the-making "talents" despite their obvious mischief.

I enjoyed the lunch, except the smelly part with the BBQ stench on my T-shirt due to the cooking.

Thankfully, the present for Jielong fitted well. How to verify arh? We asked him to try it on of course! Phew..

Ivan left and we proceeded to Bencoolen Centre then Sim Lim Square coz Jielong needed a battery replacement for his watch and purchase PC games. Loo Wan wanted to get T-shirts from Bugis Street.

I couldn't help but admit initially, I wanted to go shopping at Vivo.. with Clara. Yesterday's shopping for colleagues' presents enticed alot of temptations. Of course, this was planned in anticipation that the gang wouldn't have anything else to do as they had to complete their projects (>Ivan) and study for exams (>Jielong) the next day. However, things didn't turn out the way I expected. So boredom and hostility took over when the gang moved around Bugis V, Bencoolen, OG, Sim Lim.

At the end of the day, I realised I shouldn't be so selfish and persistent-minded just because something or agenda didn't occur in accordance to what I have wished or wanted. Blame it on me.. I'm such a spolit-brat. It's a real ugly side of me, in the capacity of a gang member, as a friend. It's simply unglamorous.

Yet, I'm just glad I did reminded myself and practised the virtue of "accommodating" and formulated the idea of "shopping can wait.. gang outing only once in the bluemoon and it's not like the rest goes shopping all the time". Perhaps this is called "considerate"? Well.. I admit resentment against my fellow gang mates, contaminated my heart for a moment back then. And now, I felt ashamed, just like at the moment I'd realised my moment of foolishness.

Friends matters alot. I learnt this from A, deeply imprinted in my heart. I need... to be more CONSIDERATE, learnt how to LET GO and no "shouldn't have" ill-behaviors.