De one with Extravengaza Week

Crazy week

This week was the one I've been looking most forward to! Trust me, it's crazy. Monday wasn't that good. Suffered alittle pinched headache.

Tuesday, yesterday, was like consuming a smelly doufu. The initial part is repulsive to the taste bud and pungent to the nose but it turn out someone'd kicked the bucket of magic dust off the clouds, it precipitated to end the day fine eventually.

Unpleasant story are better cut short. My Dolce shoes got drenched in the rain, I searched high and low Parco Bugis for a cake that was fit for vegetarian consumption. Boy, that's the ultimate silliest thing I've inquired with the cake-retailers. Instructions given wasn't reasonable. Try making out whether the eggs used in making the cake was kampong chicken or daily farmer's egg. Sigh.  Elementarily, how can a cake be without egg or milk?

To top things, instructions weren't ever clear. I felt being twirled around the instructor's finger, who was highly uncertained. Only when I finally arrived at the restaurant did the rest tell me the birthday guy is fine with just any cake. I was pissed, I wouldn't deny after all that folly you guys put me through but yea, what's a birthday without a cake. Hasty feet got me out of the restaurant, out in the cold weather to grab a cake.

Dinner wasn't good at all. Japanese cuisine. I'd say nothing japanese about it except a table-full of dough and artificial flavouring? At the end, what's the point of being negative. What goes around, comes around. It's only courteous to spend birthday according to the person's wish. It is precisely owing to this I didn't hold a grudge on the cake issue.

Aww.. I got myself out of the sticky situation and rushed down to Ion to collect the awfully chocolatey cake for my good and bestest friend on her *sensored* birthday. Haa! You bet, it's awfully affordable, awfully wrong and awfully wasted. I got the smallest size they could offer - a 1kg for 6 eaters. Individual portion became larger since there was five of us at KTV-ing at Katong. Perhaps they ate too much ramen for dinner, some couldn't finish the cake, nevermind. Still complain wanna puke. Urgh, for a moment I felt unappreciated lor.. *shrugs* I'm at the mercy of a birthday participant rules. I think rule number one is: Never ruin another birthday party.

Thankfully, the KTV session was better than expected. Discovered I was pretty good with reading certain mandarin lyrics with less difficulty than I expected it to be. Not to mention, singing songs which I'm only familiar with its tune. The night was too young to head home, had a chillout session and breakfast at the airport. 24 hours awake. It's just great.   

Learning new things, be it out of good or bad originating reasons, circumstances and outcomes, enriches our lives. I had my fair bit of learning today. Learning only gets better, so does my satisfaction and conviction that my life is closer to living to its fullest. Cheers.

De one with Change of Ends

Rain, winds and change

=)

It's as though the rain had come and washed all the gloominess away. When you look into the skies, the glistering rain drops reflecting the soft evening glow. Not faraway behind, the grey clouds are no longer in view. It has been replaced with clear skies, white shades of cotton-bud looking patches, the spectacular rainbow arched cross the tranquil reservoir view before me.

Weekend didn't seemed as bad as I expected it on Thursday. I stopped myself from going back to work over the weekends. Slept till 8:45, 9ish, my body's refreshed (though skin's peeling gradually from last week's tan). I did nothing but rest, do jogging, be sun-kissed if possible, else, just blog (haha, be thankful because on these days did I get to blog), draw alittle, update my song list for the forthcoming KTV session if there is. Leisure... finally.

Did I forget to mention there was wine? Haha. Yup, my lips touched wine again after a month.

What is weekend without going out? Met Zhen Ze, Guang Hui and Xue Yun out for a get together. I turned up late. But it was alright, four future accountants. Maybe three and another inspiring future financial analyst, chatted about our prospect. Birds of the feather do flock together. We ended pretty early, plus the restaurant was packed, so we left our seats for the nearby Coffee Club for catching up over coffee. We shared quite a bit, about our graduation trip, convocation, current work situation.

Meeting with these uni pals are joy. Never fails to learn in our chat. Ze's the expert in excel, he shared about Spain, his Europe trip, voucher-offering website. Guang Hui pointed out the bad message some credit card ads was portraying, shared about Paranormal movie, and his new work experience with his assistant manager, "AM". With Xue Yun, it feels more comfortable taking. I recall I was pretty quiet in her presence in campus. It was just great!
 
After short hours, I had to leave. My good friend happened to be in town with her friends, Twinkle, and SJ. I felt so proud of myself la, frequency of traveling in public transport shot up particular over the past week. My brisked arrival have us meeting at Maritus and when to one of our normal where-to-go-when-we-are-out-of-ideas TCC. I explained my set of problems for the week, it was like a trouble spring-cleaning over our stroll along town.

Oh alrighty, she cut her fringe. Look kinda amusing la. Not in a terrible-comic but a novice kinda candid feeling since I'm seeing it for the first time. I laughed. But I gotta admit, the new "Chinadoll" look, it takes alittle getting used to. Faint, my close friend who never fail to shock, amaze and entertain me with her varying hairstyles.

I thought it was gonna be another long, boring night. Turns out we had a fun time, we were opening criticising each other. My actions embarrasses her. She kept flaunting behaviors which kept me saying sexist remarks. What prevent us was strangling each other's neck and her fork (for the Mozza sticks) from landing into my eye were the crowd. Lol. But there was alot of laughter, it feels like our 8 year friendship still got it!

I can't help thinking about next week's events, forthcoming paintball (wooohoo, most dreamed of) and our approaching Xmas eve special!

So, the weekends. Lovely text messages, heart-lifting accompany and half bottle of Shiraz, what a little piece of heaven!

De one with The Opposites

Confession of the multi-personalities

Dissociative identity disorder or multiple personalities didn't surface to make known of its existence until I caught a series of Ally Mcbeal with a character with such extraordinary condition. Amazing and frightening at the same time, this psychiatric diagnosis is both a curse and a blessing, depending on different perspectives.

Without prejudice or intent to mean any offense to concerned readers, I often taunt my friends with self-imposed "split personalities". This, very much born from my desires for a twin brother, was the next best alternative to feel like I have an actual twin. Both within myself. It was a brilliant idea. But I've gotta admit, it's an excuse for me to buy things without guilt. Haha. Bet my pals must be grinning coz they are pretty convinced their judgement or suspicion were accurate. 

Now holding on to your knowledge of multiple personalities, conjure your impression of someone who acts differently inside and outside of his skin. Of course! Besides the deliriously obvious fact that any child would notice: one is involuntary, another is out of our freewill and control, wouldn't you agree with me on their similarity of surface behavioral differences? If it doesn't, you just gotta screw that thinking bulb alittle deeper into your IQ socket.. If it doesn't work, try the alternative indicating "EQ". Haha

Screw in your bulb and prepare to blow the tungsten filament (figures of speech). *fanning away the smoke in the air* Well, what I'm trying to say, thinking less complicatedly, its a thin line between adopting multiple personalities and being hypocritical. Yes, indeed. Before this gets any further ambiguous, the former means changing the way we react to the appropriate environment and circumstances. Simply because of unspoken requirements to be socially demure. Yes, you could bring morale in here. What is morally right to behave.

The latter, on the other hand, exceed the normal expected reactions or going overboard for selfish gains or avoidance of discredit to ourselves.

But what about others who doesn't know how to distinct the two and live life eccentrically between the earlier mentioned?

As much as I'm not a qualified psychiatrist, I believe it's sad but dangerous. A heart-gripping sin (not in a condemnation manner) but undesirable indulgence we tend to slip into without realising, everytime we are landed in hot soup or the apprehension of the current mistakes we made. 100% natural reaction to repulse whatever faults that's gonna impact us.

There's a Hokkien saying "Diam gou gah si liang" which literally translate into "the bite of a quiet dog is the fatal". The masses couldn't agree more because we are afraid what quiet people are capable of when their tolerance is overwhelmed. One of the principal sinister masters are those who mastermind without voice. Owing to this, we are unable to discover them nor evaluate the degree of damage of their plots. Ok, perhaps my descriptions are alittle overrated. Let's just say those people who appear smiling could have done so with an agenda or sorrows beyond any imaged.

Personally, I dislike hyprocrites. Don't wanna turn into one either. Telling a white lie is fine but let's leave the overboardness at church or temples. But there are times I act otherwise to protect our pride, people we care for.

Like at work, we priorities and scrap off any emotional intonations while we take to client and fellow colleagues. At home, we learnt about about respecting each other. With friends, we need to be over-sensitive, careful not to offend, taunt or give others the wrong ideas. Eventually, it's a tough balance and true enough, wouldn't you agree the distinction between hypocrisy and social etiquette is blurred?

This is when people raise the guidance from religions. Notwithstanding Dan Brown's fictions on religion, by at large, people strongly believe the ultimate goal of religion is to uphold righteousness and goodness. Hmm, pardon my generalisation. I won't ellborate further into what the true lessons of religion are but ya, I mean, real as it is, no religion would teach you to be bad. The more tolerable mark would be repentance which eventually requires one who have did bad to turn around from continuing his mistakes.

So what happens after knowing the opposites in behavior? I normally take a breath. Reset my thoughts before looking at the issue with fresh mind. Wouldn't deny there are times when I do regret. And nope, it doesn't have to be the case where I make it a point to repent every mistakes I've made. Instead, the correct course of behavior should be cultivated naturally.

They say, the older we get, the less stress, hence a milder temper. Most of us submit to our slowing bodies movements and present ourselves with more time to process things. Of course, it doesn't mean we are aging if similar long period of thoughts prevails now. What I'm trying to drive here is anxiety is something that can be resolved. I constantly remind myself "there's always a time for everything" Patience and open-mindedness, two virtues difficult to craft, are one of the most efficient and effective key to curb our anxiety too. Especially in a fast-paced and rather cynical world we are surviving in.
 

De one with Ally Thine

Night and rain outside

With dragging sigh, the sparks flaked sides
What's left are fragments of tears in tides.
See the ornaments shimmered in moody lune-light,
Till the come of curtain rains unite.

The silver boy had left some precious like crescent dime
Short periods before taking to blacken sea dive.
Thy blurry gazes longly t'ward smear of lights
Departing faraway borders that glowed with pride.

Thy hands are tied, my lips are dried.
Struggle tonnes hard and futile fights.
Thy worry concerns thee never sight
Faint desires stranded to trapped kites.

Had only the thoughts of wind conjure to thee
Regard not thine painful stride.
For yearned fonder lodes of impassive joy,
In matters of hours' waits and courage strikes.

Fear not thy child of uncertain prays
I'd wished thy mum's calm nurture-guide.
Smile without gloominess thy child of right
I'd wished thy dad's nice console-vise.

Had only time wizards or top divines
Grant thee thy arch of heavenly ties.
With wits and willingness for daring heights
Nods and kisses thy clasps to binds.

De one with Di(sappoint)party

Trio out on Friday

Suspect its my over-sensitivity that's playing tricks on my mind. Keep having this commotion doubts  dwelling on why everyone's behaving weird and allowing this atmosphere of awkwardness while taking me out. I was like "zhi high" (slang for self-enthusiastic in Mandarin) in attempts to dissolve the throat-swallowing moment. I bet I activated all that's left of  my bubbly cells to dissuade any unhealthy thoughts to create conversation amongst the ghostly souls around me. Ha!

What was initially planned didn't materialise. Fortunately for what is worth, my dear friends took me out for a decent dinner, an adorable movie and a pretty intensified coffee chillout session. The meal was fresh experience. Dinning at a place I've never been to. It's Chinese-Taiwanese food. Sounds yummy?

Captured the movie Megamind in 3D. At least the good thing was despite the visor's incapability of delivering sharp 3D effect, it felt light on my nose. I recalled a poor experience with the heavy visor while watching UP in 3D. For as long as I remembered, it kept slipping off the bridge of my nose repeatedly.

Besides the glasses that was good, another point worth mentioning was having noticed the plots of Dreamworks' recent animated movies had became more sophisticated! The characters are getting more witty. The languages are no longer just vocalised as simple as black and white lines, ie to say, scripts are contains a handful of hidden meanings. Maybe that's what's nurturing present youths to become more mind-stimulating and in turn, more intelligent?

Coffee at TCC. I fell in love with their Mozza sticks. Deep in the pits of my heart where the health-conscience lives knows this dish is a sin-inducer. Pretty sad thing? Desire triumphs the odds with present steps into the terrific comfy-cosy (TCC) cafe. To spice the melancholy away, I  tried a different drink too. Azuki coffee. Hmm... *takes a deep breath* perhaps it's the pre-Christmas festive anticipation, it seemed fine to taste alittle of chocolate.

So ya, this was how deepavali was "celebrated". Slight disappointingly. Yet, not really entirely.

De one with Fallen Ill

Illed

Never occur to me those scallops were either bad or my stomach was incapable of dealing with them. My lunch partners seemed fine and healthy after the meal. Unfortunately, the World War Xth manifested in my stomach and man.. the enzymes troops and hydrochloric team had raised the white flag.

Not only did it ruin my weekly run, it cause other damages like causing me to curl up in bed, feeling all nauseous with an unbearable half-aching, half-rumbling stomach. I must say, this discomfort second to the daunting effects of stomach flu. Both are equally bugging.

I said, this can't be it, I can't waste myself in bed. Since I need to lie down and rest, I'd might as well do it while sunbathing under the bright and sunny weather which was too good to be missed.

Suntan? Ticked. The second part to the tragedy of ill: effects from medication. What had been prescribed was to slow digestion. Supposedly a good thing since it stops the excretion. Bad side? It's too effective. I end up feeling so blotted after frequent hydration after the sunbath. I swear I could feel the liquid leveling itself within the rib-cage guarded "pouch", as though a few styrofoam had been stuffed herein earlier. Urgh. I dislike this sucky unwellness.  =X

De one with "Uncle"

What the... 

http://www.sandeepkejriwal.com/illusions.htm

Was waiting at the taxi stand when this little girl, 5-6 years of age, sat too near me and her mother said "Natasha, can you shift yourself towards Mummy. Your legs are kicking korkor ("elder brother" in baby language)."

"He's not korkor! He's uncle!" retorted the young and silly.

The mother was alittle paiseh ("embarrassed" in hokkien). Immediately, she pursue-ly corrected her daughter's casual remark, "He's korkor." The ignorant girl cut in before her mother could finish her sentence: "The man driving the taxi is korkor."

I couldn't help but be amused as I eavesdropped to the mother and daughter conversation. The enjoyment wasn't born of the contents of the conversation. Rather, it was the imagination of different scenarios on how I could have responded to what had unfold before my ears. I shall not be selfish. Let me bring you through these:

1) Dwell over the girl's comment, get paranoid eventually because my appearance is at stake

    Within 2 minutes, I'd be anxiously see myself in the reflection of my Nexus screen. Get worried and head home, literally computing all the reasons for my youth appearance deterioration. Debate and justify how to deter the worse from getting worst. And sulk for the next 30 days.

2) Firmed my lips and boil within

    Most probably I'd turn over to look at the girl. With menacing, bloodshot eyes with a murderous aura behind me. Perhaps a backdrop with a decay, melting surrounding might just be perfect to emphasize the situation. Someone stop me before my ferociousness unleashed! Most likely my Nexus' create a memorable souvenir-dent, twist her leg or stuff my Dolce's into her mouth. Omg.
 
3) Let it pass and don't bother at all. It's just a girl.

    Smile and maintain fine composure. The ultimate blend of the four seasons. Not too warm, too springy, too depressing nor cold.

*Drum-roll*

I strongly believe alot must have chosen (1) or (2). Seriously, I actually lived (3). I couldn't care less. continued to solve the game on Nexus. If there was anything to worry about, priority should land over the girl's delusion. Oh dear.

De one with A Sigh, Relieve and Fine

Finally, something to smile about

Sometimes I find myself so caught up with fighting to think about, achieve and sort out. Before I know it, my feets are aching and barely on the ground anymore.

These are the times I need to take a moment to pat myself on my head and heavy shoulders, and lightly compliment myself: "Boy, you're doing fine. No "buts" or "maybe", you're doing just fine."

Doing that now... let go and gain some. Gone are the stress, tensions and dilemmas. Gain is the stable soul that feels safe and fine. =)

De one with Contemplate and Reconsider

Fumes of sighs

It's nice to be caught in a sweet dream, be smitten and all. Like I said, we need to wake up to live those dreams. If live circumstances doesn't permit. I mean, why continue living a dream that's hard living it.

IT'S TIME TO WAKE UP! Wasted my time to contemplate and reconsider when there's nothing to start with in the first place. As the saying goes: "Chang tong bu ru duan tong (short term pain is easier to deal with as compared to terminal misery in Mandarin). Snip it and fend off all self-inflicted injuries before it gets worse.

De one with Hard Decisions

Resolution day

I always have the solutions to my troubles. The mind is my route-map. Alternatives, desperate measures, last resorts, witty tricks, innovative gimmicks. You name it, it has it. Refusal is not in my dictionary. If that word attempts to creep into the registry of words, fat chance it would succeed on its intrusion.

I felt so much better voicing out my thoughts, be it from my heart or brain. More than never, we tend to be clouded with doubts, dilemmas and fright because we are either afraid of accepting reality blatantly right under our noses, or we fear the consequences of regret that will haunt us years down the road.

I always have the decision made. Right decision of course even before I ask what's next. Yet, my wilded mind could only yearn so dramatically hard towards a hopeful thought that's radical from reality. Not that I refuse facing reality, I just don't wanna shortchange myself.

De one with Commitment

Dedicated to those vulnerable

We were taught in schools questions are essential to acquire knowledge. Simple questions, in particular, are most frequently used, not mainly because they are easily comprehended and thus, direct answers could be given. For example, how are you today? I'm fine, thank you. How nice of you to ask.

The paradox sets in when we all grow up... eventually to learn that certain "simple" questions may require the majority to hesitate. Especially when we know the consequences these questions carry. For example, questions which give rise to "commitment".

Commitment issues are easy for some. Genuinely the young generations often find themselves with the strong hunger to accomplish a sense of belonging / self identity. It's a common perception but myth that the males have problems towards committing themselves as compared to the opposite sex and remaining sexuality preferenc-ees who surface more prominently with recent society progress.

I have friends who are females and have troubles committing. Well, let's not dwell into a battle of the sexes to justify who's most fallible to commitment-resistors. Rather *snaps my finger*, focus on the reasons why people have troubles committing themselves.

I asked my long-ruler which had been around even before the year I was born. It seemed the poor ruler had chipped off a few inches, it's broken part now scotched-taped with ridge-edges due to it's history. It responded: "I've been through too many relationships. I feel being used after countless times of being hurt. This one time someone hurt me so hard, snapped and well, the scar just wouldn't heal completed after the wound was mend. Overtime you grow skeptic 'cause you just can't see putting yourself through all the pain again. Once, twice are okay. But after that, you lose faith."

The mingling ester lured my sense of smell. It seemed the Channel wishes to say its view. "Louve iz only but pe-lor-dic(h). You ca'nt get enoug(f) of(h) it when itz s(z)weet and most import-tantly, when you feel needed. But af(h)-ter a couple of months, things turn blend or my inte-rezt wi(n)ll dry up.. deplete (if you want it put crudely). Considering I'm highly desirable, don(ch) you think itz only fair for me to be apprec(oo)iate by thoze who "needz" me b(u)d-ly for a change?" *Squints* "Szee, louve iz like va-po(u)rization. Wee... itk tinklez at the start and after awhile, it va-linishez and be go(o)ne wit de wind. Pardon my french." That moment, I couldn't help but think how something in the closet might reply somewhat similar.

Indeed, it did.

"What commitment? No commitment!, exclaims the "Extra-safe" Durex condom arrogantly. "Read here, it says "for pleasure only". Oh come on, everyone's into the mutual fun. We meet, we heat and you strip me off. That's life, enjoy to the fullest while you still can! Cause we can can can! Yes we can can can! WooT! If you don't mind, I need to get washed before I get repackaged for my next adventure with Whisper. Together we feel "light and free" again!"

I swallowed, sat back to review the possible reasons gather. While some fear commitment because of the damage they have been through, others simply wouldn't give up their chance with freedom and the need to live a self-fulfilling lifestyle. Selfish but it's true.

"Well darling, don't think of it as an act of selfishness. You'll commit. Just don't settle for anything less. I'm the best example. Love can't sustain you to live. Should any mishap happen. To me, the best policy is", the Gucci belt demanded, who was obviously eavesdropping on my thoughts.

"Is to be honest?" I struggled to grin as I replied.

"Incorrect darling... it's to have cash. That's why I'm often found beside the piggy bank. Though he's such a pig, but as long as I get maintained, commitment is just a certificate which your name on it, after a price is paid."

I looked at the shiny parts from where the answer came from, pretty sure such commitment cost alot for something so expensive in taste.

"Don't listen! To Gucci! People disflavor. Commit-ment. Primarily. We. Need. Space. to breathe. Without. Air. We'll be suffocate. Like. Me!" panted, the deflating balloon. "See.. 'm tied down. All. the. time. Hey! Having. said. so much. Would you. blow. me. Please?"

Ok, I need to go to the toilet. I thought.

The toothbrush holder greeted me when he saw me rushed in and closing the door. "Are you alright kid?" I gestured him in response that I'm fine.

When asked if it's true people fear commitment because they need personal space? "You know kid, I might have to agree to a certain extent. Look at me, I only have so much space and time to accommodate family, friends, work, even guests when they are invited over for overnighters. You've gotta assure yourself of having the extra capacity. I guess alot ain't that efficient/sorted out in their life and time management. We get tarnished overtime, busily occupied with what we hold. But family and friends gets priority. Perhaps that's the reason people ponder before committing to one more."

For a moment, I stared blankly at the marbled titled floor. It wasn't for long something sparkled when the sunray shone in through the tilted windows. It was a tarnished key chain. "Oh, don't bother. If you were to ask me mate, I wouldn't even dare considering being involved with commitment. Look at me! The blatant fact that I'm in such a state, no one would even reconsider been anywhere attached to me."

Rub the spots with a polishing cloth and the chain turned out shiny as the tag read "Tiffany & Co. 1978". It seemed low self-esteem might be another barrier to commitment. Alot of times we just need to re-prioritise, or groom ourselves. "Just remember in the winter, far beneath the bitter snow. Lies the seed that, with the sun's love in the spring, becomes a rose" - Bette Midler.

Commitment is easy for the young and passionate. For some it's a concealer to derive momentary pleasure. Others, a hope yet to come through. Although it is entangled in our daily lives, alot of us overlook and fail to realise how our presence mattered.

But still, I'd say the best reasons a two pin plug and a power point. "We could be fitted by force but either one is gonna get damaged or the entire circuit blows. Which obviously prove why commitment is impossible."

"But with the right connection, the right plug, we might just hit it well."

Yes I couldn't agree more. Commitment problems can be resolved. The key is to have something that would connect, especially one which both parties could fit comfortably into.

(Pictures are in courtesy of google.com)

De one with Clatters

Pardon my mandarin. Had I not remember wrongly, there's a proverb which says when a dog barks, a hundred hounds will follow. It meant to say when one makes comment, the remaining population would do autonomously. 

Owe it to "zhi ye bing "(Chinese: a habit of letting your profession traits guide/influence/affect your normal behavior"), my skepticism inevitably prompt me to reconsider whether those people really meant what they speak of or were they being patronising?

"Loss is something not to be found, but to be felt". Talk publicly about your remorse, posting on FB, are we saying all that we "felt" because it would make us appear more humane?

"I walked a mile with pleasure, she chatted all the way. It left me none the wiser, for all she had to say. I walked a mile with sorrow and ne're a word said she, but oh the things I learned from her, when sorrow walked with me." - adapted from Mitch Albom. 

De one with Tissued Week

What a hot sweaty day

I literally did nothing but stayed home and became a crouch potato, indulged myself with ice-wine and episodes of desperate housewives. Although there's a certain urge to head out and enjoy this one day when I didn't have to deal with tiredness of work and colleagues, my guilt throbbed in protest not to forget giving my wallet a rest.

Luckily, there was Professor Langton with his stories about the Lost Symbol to accompany me through Saturday, besides the ladies of Wisteria Lane! Yippee! Carrie Bradshaw? Oh, Carrie! She's current on storage-vacation. Not like Singapore's already not "hot" yet.

Though an uneventful weekend, past week had been tough. Took a deep breath before plunging into the open files I had been working on since before I went on study-leave. Turns out, everything didn't seemed as worse as expected. Guessed weariness had been clouding my perspectives. It turned on my moodiness mode. Yucks.

Lemme share a top secret. Alot couldn't agree more after 8 to sometimes 12 hours of  dealing with conversations with outsiders, tolerating gossips, docking arrows, managing anger, dilemmas and nerve-gripping piles of assignments, problems with attitude-giving subordinates, you just wanna complain to sweep off that awful load off your "grudge cache". It's a chore yet necessary, like clearing your auto-leave message machine. Well, that particular night, I was about to commit the same "sin" until my crystal babies caught my sight and... magically, innocence restored, I didn't have to complain like a young adult at all.

Sure I like things which are stunning and sweet. And for that, I'm glad I did.

De one with Life Goes On...

Don't care if it's rain or shine

Execution with decisiveness is one of the few which derives satisfaction, self-assurance and in turn, happiness. Am really glad the formality veil was lifted deliberately to allow me to speak with straightforwardness.

I connect myself back with my love for music. Although it's been released for quite awhile, the tune of the song appealed to me only recently. You should listen to it to, "All the Lovers" by Kylie Minogue.

Bought a watch yesterday. Alittle hesitation in the beginning but overcome. Surprisingly, I didn't whine over my indecisiveness. Instead, I felt my guts to convince myself that the purchase was what I really want. The feeling of "love at first sight" revived between me and capability for fine selection.

As for friendship, I felt it's time to let loose. I came to equilibrium with the fact that people don't stay within same proximity for long. Like a flower, without proper maintenance, weeds would grow and condition deteriorates. I'd say I've lived 25 thoughtful years to know a fair bit about people around me. Some break down from time to time, wanting assurance of long friendships without knowing their actions and behaviors leads to self-fulfilling prophecy; Some, although least thought of, who hardly whisper a word, turns out to be the ones who truly understand you; Some plead for certainty of their existence through emotional, physical touch; Some ignore; A few surfaces from time to time yet bothers you alot. Some became too materialistic (for the love of God, you can't blame them), it seemed they have lost the will to mount their cruel environment and end up being compelled to change by externalities.

Losing faith in relationships needn't be told, shared or get overly vexed about. Just let nature takes its course, prepare yourself to be able to deal with what may come. Most importantly, be nice and graceful, without any pinch of selfishness or resent. This.. was a "no, no" in the past. Pardon my naivety to associate such treads with the image of an insensitive and selfish "jerk". It seemed being overly accommodating and bending over backwards with people whom you  treasure doesn't benefit or fit the lion's pride. Contemptuous but true, it feels saint when people come to you than the other way round.

It hit me after countless time of meeting up and I just couldn't engage myself into the conversations that's circulating around the coffee table. It's pure deceit if I open my mouth and put myself into discussion superficially. It's not I'm incapable of doing so, but I just can't bring myself to pretend. It's not as if I'm role-playing in a mega-movie. The historic-self might reconsider "if I don't speak, will they think me weak?". At present, I supposed I'm firmed on when to speak and when not to.

When will I speak?
1) If the topic interest me, I feel I have the knowledge to input and desires to know more.

2) If you come running to me with a problem, I'd listen, look you in the eyes and assess what can be done.

3) When I truly need your valuable opinion (which would be fading for I wanna be a person who's sure and certain of what I want).

4) Things which build onto the foundation of our relationship. Quality conversations.

When my lips are sealed?
1) It's time-passing, senseless conversation which only scrap through the surfaces or discussions.

2) Thrashing out, contentious matters (please leave that at work), statement's that are hurtful

3) When I'm bored and tired.

4) Being in a group which disintegrated, you know, gossip amongst yourself. I mean mini-talk all you want. If you're not interested in my presence, k*ss my ass and I'd take off.

 

Perhaps we have aged, I feel conversations should be laughing about our history, of course, to remember the good old times when we were young. We debate about people at work, our displeasures about life, family and complain, share our dreams. I love meeting new people, it's like starting from a blank piece of paper. So much to discover, things ain't tacky. Novice excites me.

I have no idea how come my mental and physic became hectically exhausted. Just can't find the root of the deprivation of energy. Was at a vet centre when this bright and suave looking vet asked if I was alright. Pretty embarrassed but I looked up, forced a smile and said I'm alright. Damn, anybody who saw my facial expression would have known I was lying and faking. What a laughingstock I thought back then.

At the same time, I was touche by the concern. It has been awhile anyone would do so, without having me to ask.    

De one with Comprehension

Eyebrows eased

Two weeks of proximity-zero. Two years of tilly-lagging. After five years of distance, everything seemed to have remained the same. I'd guess this is the underlying meaning of a leopard never can't change its spots. What seemed lost didn't cause my heart to pinch with self-sympathy but filled sudden comprehension of why I've lost, as though to make vacuum a space for the endless headaches which follows. The only loser in this "game of fate" lies with whom he thinks he had lost and nothing to gain. I've lost and lost completely. Oh dear..

De one with Home Coming

Peaceful

"This is home, truly. Where I know I must be. Where my dreams wait for me; where the river always flows. This is home, surely. As my senses tell me. This is where, I won't be alone. For this is where I know it's home." 

- "Home", Dick Lee.

Lyrics are beautiful with meanings that are close to my heart. The first three words are like appetizers, never fails to entice you to continue the subsequent tune.

Picture does paint a thousand words. Hmm, I bet a song conveys even more. What a relieve  to be home after a day's hardwork.

De one with Gleefulness!

Semester finale

There is really a word call "Gleefulness" in the dictionary. Don't believe? Look this word up!

The FreeDictionary.com defines "Gleefulness" as (a noun) meaning joyfulness. What's there to be gleeful about? I've finally completed Test 2 of the hideous advanced financial accounting! Except the part on segment reporting which I included something which was unnecessary (think that might cause me a couple of marks), the rest are pretty alright *sweeps my shoulders*.

With courtesy of corbisimage.com

For once, I feel fluttery after coming out from the exam hall. Perhaps it's the mark of the end to my tertiary education! I'm keeping my fingers crossed that I'd pass and graduate! Graduate!

De one with Fates of the Same Face

Noises

Every face has two sides. Not just physically visible, what lies beneath the facial skin are two personalities which make a face smile or frown.

Breathe with me.. inhale... and exhale. Now, if you would lend me a listening ear for I am going to say what has been troubling me.

It's amazing how I can desert myself to somewhere nobody knows. I've been keeping secrets, filled with nothing but pure unhappiness, worries and all the other feelings there are for a loser to contain. Truth is.. I'm not successful and I feel messed up. Unknowing, all in me doubt if I knew where my next step would be, what to expect next, who shall I be with, when to execute my decisions precisely and how the situation would be turned towards the director I'm taking. 

Let me project an image of my life... it is like four-scales. The one described above has sunk. The surface of the scale is centimeters away from the ground strewn with a million broken glass. Like a chandelier mold to have its handles give light in a downward manner, all four scales seems to be in downward position. 

Trust me when I confess I could sit right on top of a prism in the air, watching countless visitors traveling forth and away. Those who noticed, took photos of me. Some clasped their hands and prayed. Some didn't notice or couldn't be bothered. Some suggested it's better calling the police. All and all I didn't care. I choose not to because I was just breathing some air. And nobody gave me a rest.

Dates, partners, lovers and scandals have no varying meaning to be. All is like paints that wouldn't stain the white heart-shaped paper. No Eros' arrows could scar a mark. No diamonds or persuasions could even cut.

All for one and one for all. The four scales agreed that all shall fall. Regardless of gender, relationship nor blood, threads are tangled and better left intact.

I can no longer do this anymore I told myself. My wings are drenched and take flight no more. For now till when I could not tell. Promises land with nothing felt.

De one with All in Bucks

Coffee on discussion

The very first time I smelled the aroma of coffee seeds was when I attended kindergarden. After every half-a-day of "disciplined and confinement" with other kids in an ever-strange place, my granny would fetch me to this coffee-seller to replenish coffee powder but most importantly, give me a daily vitagen treat. Perhaps to compensate for the day's "torture". We were easily contended back then.

Despite "friending" with the familiar scent, I never knew how the source taste like. It wasn't until I was less than 10 year of age came my "first sip" experience. Back then, my late-mother and I were at Shenton Way. While waiting for my Dad with his awfully long dental appointment, we were having our breakfast at Burger-king in the vicinity. Apart from vivid memories of  the croissant and ham breakfast, a killer-back-for-more, I fragmentarily remembered Mummy actually let me tasted her coffee. You know, I was as inquisitive as other kids of my age were. So I was up for trying anything that came to my mouth. Apparently, the taste turned out too strong and awfully repulsive to my sweet taste-buds. So... I never had any then after. 

It was during a trip in Australia that I was attracted to the milky and vanilla-rich Victorian cappuccino (besides discovering my liking for Yellow-tea-leaves, in the same trip). Turns out, coffee ain't that dis-tasteful as it was a couple of childhood years ago. Unfortunately, the revisit to this internationally most-drunk beverage didn't occur moments after I returned to Singapore. Ah ma makes coffee every morning, as early as 5-6am. She still does even today and it will forever be poured into this green-metallic pot (which existed since decades or centuries ago). Sadly, never was I anywhere near that utensil.

Mohan. Yes, Mohan was the significant person who introduced me to coffee world and had me returning for good. Turned me into a subsidiary convict. Why only a subsidiary? Because the "main" convict refers to those who drink coffee everyday or wouldn't survive a day without coffee (like my Mummy, Aunt and some of my current colleagues). To be exact, ice blended coffee.

In one of my cab encounters, there was this particular cabby who chatted heartily with me while delivering me to Junction 8 after work. He discussed about the elusive evolution of coffee today and how this slight re-packaging of coffee appealed to younger generations (like me), without losing natural patrons (like him) and in turn, benefit the coffee-retailers' pockets. This humble grown-up was keen to learn how coffee today tasted or how were they made that "spelled" us into consuming them for hours at coffee-places. I shared with him my opinions:

1. It's coffee blended with chocolate (mocha) and ice. Part of what makes it so appealing was it's a beverage that cools and calms us given our typical tropical weather. Not only that, it keeps us awake to sustain our energy to stay at the same place and chat like there's no tomorrow. 

2. The vast variety and new mix with health-implicated ingredients, such as green tea, nuts, satisfy our appetite and demands for fresh taste and innovations.

3. Pocket money for us have increased drastically through generations. More kids find it affordable to try whatever's marketed to them. The erosion of conservatism, age where kids are restricted, financially confined have opened up most, if not, all access possibilities.

10 years ago, it's "Mommy, Daddy, can I buy this? My friends have it. I sampled it."

6 years ago, either "Mommy" or "Daddy, I am going to get this.."

At present, it seemed the child has had what he/she wanted without going through their parents. Insignificant stuff such as coffee? Are you kidding me you need parental permission?

Not doubt my first coffee was given by my mother. Honestly speaking, my 2nd coffee wasn't bought independently. My knowledge of the existence of ice-blended coffee was imparted from my cousin, Jasmine who bought it specially from a Coffeebean corner located at the old MPH bookstore, Suntec Ciy. It was a couple of years ago, what turned out to be a medium for nights of conversation became a beverage I thought of for leisure.

I later discovered Coffee bean coffee were too sweet. Age advised me sweetness was alittle "oldskool" and repulsive. It didn't take very long for my preference to change to getting coffee from the classic Starbucks. This. Was where memories were made.

Ever since my (pure) ko-ffee "affairs" with Mr Gopalan, Starbucks accompanied me through times of joy, peace, woes and loneliness.

(Joy): Peppermint was my favourite. Everytime they have these in stores during Christmas, I'm all hippertly hopperty up. Drinking the chilly, mint taste, I could felt the coldness of winter in my digestive system and hear the "festive jingles" tinkling in my mind.

(Peace): Coffee calms my nerves whenever I get worked up over completing/rushing assignment. In times when like this, a hot Caramel-Macchiato would perk my productivity to its maximum. Have me drink this and you might just regret talking to me. I'd probably think and talk very rapidly.

Else, on light rainy days, you might just find me at Starbucks, sipping the same hot CM receipe with a book in my hands.

(Woes): Bitter and sweet. Bottoms up to poetry alive:

"Love is a smoke made with the fume of sighs
Being purged, a fire sparkling in lover's eyes
Being vexed, a sea nourished with lover's tears.
What is it else? A madness most discreet,
A choking gall and a preserving sweet." - Romeo, Romeo and Juliet, Act 1 Scene 1.

You might find this familiar from my previous blog. But reality, it's true.

"I mean no other, no other but you" Caramel Frappucino, the drink to stick thru' thick and thin.

(Loneliness): None beats the cold and redness of the Ice Shaken Lemon Passion Tea. If "Passion" 's unavailable, I could have "Zen". Double the loneliness, double the choice of tea. Why tea? Tea is blend by nature. Being lonely is like shedding colors of life. The exact mirror of dilution of tea colors as it infuse with the melting skin-piercing ice.

If you can't have wine, let us have coffee. What more, it's cost less expensive! *Punches* *Kicks* and enough! Enough!.

Alot might agree with me, it's heavenly to "nua" ("laze and be restless" in hokkien) to be have coffee chats. In fact, I love it. Partly it's a healthier substitute to drinking to pour my misery and bit*hiness out. Without feeling the messy aftermath, hangovers or regretting anything because I'm sober. Partly owing to the fact I fare better with one-to-one conversation in a casual setting where we're only an arms-length diameter coffee table apart. People around are engaged in their perimeters of chat. It's alright to chat, get excited, or not chat at all. Comfortably be yourself, non-guarded and engage in both informal or formal conversations.

Throughout time, I've lost and gained alot. Well, it seems my blessings are like melted ice. Not just that, pressures from work and academic have sprinkled salt on the melting ice. When will the next session be schedule?

De one with Friendship Cracks

Hands to the heart

I used to have those floats in shapes of a swan, crocodile or hippo which need to be air-inflated.  It's a fun-big thing that never fail to put a smile on my face. Especially whenever I get to ride on it. However, there was  big problem. Once a hole is punctuated on its surface, no matter how you patch it up, it's unable to retain air as perfect as before.

To be honest, I can't help feeling useless. My friends are sad yet nothing I am doing seemed to yield results. To simply hack-care and leave things be only result in drastic measures like having my heart's better off taken out and thrown into the cliffs of Grand Canyon to the vultures. Yes, you can go on blabbering, raise 1,001 reasons and rattling on "nobody needs your comfort, listening ear", "Why do you care", "Your shoulders are too small to cry on", "Why impose yourself on others who didn't request".

Truth is, any reasonable man would have feel likewise, or have we became unbearably unfeeling?