De one with Fantastic 23rd Birthday~

Happiest day after all these weeks

Ermm..there are videos and photos.. sadly all might have to wait awhile before I get hold of them for putting up!

Oh dear.. the candle of my age has denied gravity and grew 23 last Thursday. Didn't have much time to blog last week because I've been celebrating most throughout. Just grateful, my special day has fetched some light to relieve all these weeks of sadness~~

Last Saturday, tribal gang deprived me of my voice at our KTV session. Here's what happened on my actual day..

Prior returning to office, having done EIPIC special audit at Jurong East, Rebecca, Yi wei and Huimin were already delivering their lively birthday greetings via sms-es. In order to get back in time for lunch, I decided on cabbing back. Too bad, the pizza hut delivery only arrived around 2+pm.

We had 4 medium pizza (Hawaiian, Chicken Supreme, Seafood and Curry chicken), 2 garlie bread, spicy drumlets, honey-gazed chicken wings and 2 boxes of starry munchies. Too bad, Efi forgotten to make a separate request for chili-flakes and cheese. They forced me to eat 2 pieces lor..when I was already bloated having eaten 1 piece Hawaiian, 1 drumlet and 1 garlie bread. (eat too much heaty food no good.. cause pimples too!)

Lincoln and TanSing went out to get me a strawberry-laid cheesecake. Nice! I made a pretty long, "greedy" wish?!? Once a year affair, might as well fully utilise! haha. Kidding la.. only wished for what my heart's dreaming of becoming true.

The Jason tradition continues... gave out goodies bags, similar to previous years. I wrote short descriptions about my colleagues on their bags. hehe like that then interesting mah.

This year was better, instead of a slice of cheesecake from Starbucks, I had a whole cheesecake and a feast? Present was bigger but I had to stripped countless layers! My colleagues! In the end, it turned out to be the packet of biscuits with icing (which Rebecca bought for me during her visit to Rodex at Tanjong Pagar). Efi said they wanted to remind me that I haven't eat this yet. My goodness.

Then came another present, which Rebecca said is my rightful present. Sigh....... erm.. kinda disappointed when I unwrapped it to discover a girly forever friends mug. They all asked me delightfully whether I liked the present, guess my facial expression gave my disappointment away. No choice lah, gotta say it's ok. I even disclosed tribal gang got me similar mug during my 21st birthday.

My boss, Gabriel, came to comfort me loh.. asking why they so cruel to me as to get only a packet of biscuit and mug.. He funnily suggest to present me 50 bucks from our office's petty cash. Sigh.. Honestly, I seriously questioned my popularity and importance in the office to have received such gifts lor..

I was thinking.. perhaps it's just my luck ba.. everybody don't seemed to value me as a friend on my birthday. Felt like tearing. My disappointment didn't last until 6+pm. There was this courier guy who came in with a parcel addressed to me. It was actually a plot! Dammn.. Rebecca still lied to me that the parcel was from a new client taken up, and I was gullible to believed her.

Opened up and discovered an A4 sized parcel, with a picture of the back of a bikini girl. Geez.. "what the hell.." was shooting passed my mind at that instance. Then! Only when I discovered an A4 sized envelope, on which I recognised the deco (by Efi) did I figured out the prank!

My actual present wasn't the biscuit/mug. It was a Ripcurl boardshorts and the enormous card! They went through the rain and hard-efforts, finally locating the smallest waistline 28 at the Citylink branch. Geez..*tears*

They aksed me to try on .. so I was in my shirt and ripcurl boardshorts. Hilarious combi.

Left office pretty early, brought an ice-cream cake from Thomson Plaza's Swensons in order for a second celebration with Jasmine and ahma. It was simple but heart-warming. Never thought I'd enjoy my special day with mummy and Jimson disappearing from my life.

*Dear Mummy, Jimson, I'd give anything to have you both present to celebrate my birthday like always*

Before I slept, I read the card which my colleagues wrote. Most of them included God's love is with me. Else, asking me to eat more! Nonetheless, I was deeply touched to tears.

*To all my fellow colleagues at Gabriel Ng & Co, thanks for everything and this remarkably fun experience on my 23rd birthday! One year plus and I'm so glad I have such nice, friendly colleagues to work with*

The next day, Janet from AblePack treated me lunch at a Japanese restaurant.. Met Mohan for our mini-belated birthday party..we ate at "The Big O" cafe restaurant (duno if I've got this right), some place we've never been to.. watched 12 Lotus at the Cathay. It was not really fantastic but in my opinion, it speaks very deeply on the complexity and speaks bold of those helplessly in love. Good work, Royston Tan!

*Mohan: I can't help thanking you for being such a dear friend whose's willing to go out every now and then! The late night coffee chats and accompany! Thanks*

Remarkable birthday boy had an AWESOME birthday week! Though there were a few whom I was expecting something, didn't really deliver.. I'm just contented!

*To B, thanks for your short, distant but heart-felt wishes.*

*Clara: Big separate thanks for the adoring Chip and Dale pushies. Everynight I'll smile whenever I look at them beside me before I sleep. Not forgetting your endless support as a friend, your precious time, supper and efforts to purchase the present on the gang's behalf!*

*My dear dear tribal gang members: GekKiak, Jessamine, Weicai (wherever you are), Ivan, Loo Wan, Kok Sin, Jielong (in US studying), Weili.. it's been honorable sticking as friends for 5 over years. Our friendsip will forever be treasured in my heart. Thanks for remembering and/or celebrating my birthday every year!*

*Emerson, those who sms me your cordial greetings. Thanks thanks!*

De one with Heart-shattered Again

In tears

I have given up love, loved and lost all happening within 3 days. Too much to bear over my past. Silly infatuations and gave my heart out too easily. These are the main reasons.

Am really losing my confidence in myself to ever commit into anything again.

Perhaps it's karma. Perhaps.. sigh.. nevermind.

De one with Gang Celebrates Birthday

The night was still young

Yeap, it was non-stop action since Friday night after I took a cab home. Worked until 3+am and I concassed. Regained consciousness around 8:30, Dalelala didn't give me my wake up call as communicated over sms in the morning before I went off to bed.

Troublesome OB assignment.. 950 words, took me like what? A night to complete. Not to mention those crazy evenings of gathering and reading through the research materials. Targeted to complete the dreadful assignment at noon. However, it spilled over till 3+pm. And that's not all, I had to rush to AMK central just to "house" my hardwork into a presentable file..agonizing why I never thought of purchasing one earlier.. or a binder.

Alas, I took a cab, talked to this interesting "fanatic about driving" cabbie, who drove with his thighs when he was showing me his amazing accomplishments of driving license. I must admit, he's good.

I instructed the chatty cabby to wait for me while I got off at campus to tender my assignment before hopping back up and balek kumpong.. crazy right? Craziness cost me over 19 bucks. Oh my..

As I thought poor me could get some rest, it was 5 and Loo Wan reminded me I had to reach Tampines Safra @ 6. Of course, I had a vaild reason to be late. Rushed down in a cab.. that's like another 19 bucks further from my "Hume avenue dream".. Ok lah.. thank goodness the dinner at the Sakura was ok. Loo Wan was suaning ("sarcastic") at me for feasting so little. Like I care! Buffet's about eating in variety, not about over-filling to make more than what you've paid. Very wrong misconception in most people!

We took awhile, as usual, before deciding on KTV at Downtown East. Sung until my voice broke. It wasn't until 3am before I went to meet B, chat, and sleepover. Well..

In fact, the celebration, though not every gang member turned up, the quarum was there. HAha. Too much church audit. Nonetheless, I was contented they got me an expensive gold cufflings from Raoul (didn't really like) but I gotta thank them! THANKS MY FELLOW TRIBAL GANG!


Dalelala "adopted" me two pushies. I've gotta tell you, it's like elixir of joy to me! Grown up and guy still like chipmunks pushies?! Wait till you see them, it'll melt your heart with glowing exuberance!
Don't you just adore them at first sight? Big thanks to you all, Dalelala~

De one with Turning Old

Oh---old...

On my way rushing back home in a cab, the conversation with Lawrence (the accountant from Fei Yue) kept repeating itself at the back of my mind, like an endless broken track. He had asked how old I was during our tele-conversation. I allowed him to go ahead with a guess which kinda turned out to be "25!". Sigh!.. At that moment, a big bead of perspiration flashed on my forehead. *Diao~*

Naturally, I was gracious enough to tell him calmly, in a light-hearted manner, instead of scolding him all the worst of language (damn-it). Sounded something like "no la.. haha, am not that old la.. only turning 23".. and he replied, "wa...... you've got a bright future ahead"..

Sigh.. am I that old? Well.ok... lemme "liquidate" all these sighs which I'm using. Daaammit..

Ok.. let's keep cool.. and what I did, I figured it won't hurt to take a peek on my handphone camera. Right.. can't deny I'm turning old.. that Jason on camera looked so haggard due to all the late night and depression. God... I need some sun in me..

De one with Lethargic

Accomplished anything but nothing

My entire week could be crumpled into a ball and thrown into the waste-paper bin. That opening gives it away. So much for doing work. My individual OB assignment becomes due in less than 48 hours and swear to God, I've yet to put my act together.

Everyday I've been doing nothing but continuing with my "secret". Might as well give me "one tight slap to wake Mr Dreamy Jason up!

Rebecca's not in office, my Ablepack was came to a haul due to some glitch which Efi and I couldn't resolved. Sigh. Thinking of it is already enough to cause quite a fair bit of headaches. Perhaps that's why I've been seeking relief in being dreamy. Haah.. No choice lor, I proceeded with MasterCorp.. smoothsailing job I tell you honestly.. That leaves 2 more to go (Ablepack and another special audit) and it's time for the ultimate Property job..* oh man*

Lethargic week.. really... I could have done so much..awkss! still coughing, geez and dear Clara is threatening my Chip & Dale happy pushies if I don't participate in the KTC session this saturday.. Yuacks..

De one with Sweet and Crazy about Love

Memories overflow

Humans beings are sophisticated creatures. Due to their remarkable intelligence which distinguished themselves from other species, it also provides them with vast capabilities. Capabilities enabling their five senses, to have emotions and many more.

I'm not exception. Believe everyone has their stories to tell. Stories of crazy and smitten things they have done. Some expressed it through actions, some evident in drama-series, on-screen in movies, most written in diaries, evolving into online blogs. Like myself.

2001
I realised my feelings for a girl in class during secondary school days. That was the first time I spent $30 plus to purchase bear, have in sitting in a mug and packaged in a piggy-designed paper bag. It was not crazy. Perhaps I was young and $30 was quite considerable and partially because I've never done something so obvious in my expression of infatuation.

2003-2004
Came JC, I denied my parents' permission to go out late with my very first ex. There was once I plead my friend (who turned 21) to help me subscribed a line for my ex. I even dug out my savings to get a handphone for my ex. Not to mention, collectively throughout our 1 and 3/4 years' relationship, I incurred bad debts amounting to 5K. *Ok, no clinching of teeth, it's past.*

Back then, I didn't know how to play the piano. But I own a keyboard. Hence, I put in alot of effort to learn Jay Chou's 龙卷风. However, by the time I mastered the piece, my sole audience left.

January 2005
Then came A around 2005. Unknowingly, my handphone bill shot to $1k plus because we have been calling and texting each other during my two weeks in New Zealand. Was doing NS exercise back then. On A's birthday, I sketched a drawing of the both of us, decorated the border and framed it with a glass panel from Ikea.

On A's examination day, I bought a pack of 7 essences of chicken. Wrote the subject and date on the individual caps, wishing A the best of luck. Got a wine holder bottle and Shiraz from my Melbourne trip. A was fascinated with Gundam models, there was once I got a Gundam Freedom model and packaged it with a Ripcurl T-sheet.

Gifts aside, there was once A worked on an assignment till morning. A texted and felt like like having Mac breakfast, I left home, rushed down to A's doorstep, just to deliver Big breakfast at 5+am in the morning. *I know, it's silly*

July 2006
Purchased a $600+ handphone, Samsung E900 for R.

Haha, actually not much, but I must admit, these things were unimaginable. Didn't know what got into me to have done all these foolish things.

Of course, I wouldn't deny perhaps it's incomparable to other touching and great things people might have done for their loved ones. Which explains why they lived happily ever after and mine keeps... Nah.. just kidding.

We always do things willingly to bring joy to others, as much as we derived joy from doing so. Which is what's important and nothing more satisfying than that. Just hope someone you care for as much does appreciate and would be willing to do likewise someday. =)

De one with National Day 2008

Wet evening

Happy birthday Singapore!! Can't seemed to explain nor figure out why there's always a ceremonious passion on our nation's important day. What about you? Where and what were you doing today?

As for me, spent my morning smiling as I done granny a favour of helping her carry two bagful of give-out necessities which she collected from the Community Centre. Some give-outs for the elderly event I'd guess.

Nothing much after that. Was rotting my day away at home and feasting on chocolates, a packet of potato chips. Sinful. I know. Don't bother reminding me.

Was supposed to get my ars working on my OB assignment, which will be due next sat. Damm... all the materials are still un-moved. Instead, I was watching TV. National Day Parade was moderate. Didn't deviate much from previous years'. I sighted some of my favourite stuff like colorful lightings, spectacular fireworks, graceful water works.. what else can I say.. Saw something oldschool.. hearing the national anthem and reciting of the pledge with the right fist to the heart..brings back the good old-school-practice memories. Lol.

Went out eventually. Mohan text me around 8:25 for late dinner. It was an abrupt meeting. Well, we had coffee as usual, talking stuff, with me continuing with my endless yearning for some impossible someone. Geezz.. However, I'm just glad to be there for a friend.

De one with Cough

Dizzy day

Today its back to work after two days of medical leave. Heartache first thing in the morning when I had to take a cab down to work as I was running late. Unknowingly, a surge of dizziness creep within me since yesterday evening when I attended lecture. My entire body feels weak. Sigh. It can't be the medicine. I requested the doctor to give me non-drowsy ones!?!

Anyway, it's a day of battling with dizzy spells. When I walk around, I feel like as if I were stepping on clouds.

Craziest thing was I took a cab to and flown from office to campus, got the required textbooks for my OB project and back to office, all thanks to my scattered-brain. I forgot to bring the required notes which I left in my office cupboard the last time round.

On my way back to home, I proceeded with my "secret", occasionally staring out at the moving landscape, I let my fond thoughts wonder out to play within my head.. thinking if... well.. I think too much.. Perhaps let nature runs its course, wait and it shall be given

De one with Someone's Telling Me Something

Figuring through life's mist

After dinner, I received a text from my cousin and note miss calls from my home. Perhaps due to dreadful experience or intuition, my thoughts up-roared "not again, nothing must happen to any of my scared family members"... in my head, and my heartbeat pounding alongside when I returned call to my cousin who directed another number which belongs to my paternal uncle.

After getting the details, I hopped into a cab and rushed all the way from Chinatown (the place where I dined with my colleagues) to St Joseph's Home in Jurong West St 23. Learnt from my uncle that my aunt wouldn't last through tonight.

Although I wasn't close to my aunt (whom we addressed as "gu gu" or "paternal aunt" in chinese), we used visit her with our parents during every chinese new year. I recall those days of going to her one-room flat, eating crackers and watching "Journey to the West" which never seemed to stop broadcasting by Singapore mediaCorp or TCS at the time. The least I could remember was her kind hospitality despite she was a pauper and her gentle down-to-earth and strong character which left a deep impression since young.

She was a tough lady, working most of the time. Yet yesterday, the frail and thin lady lying on the bed before me, breathing on a life support machine, reflected a total contrary to my childhood impression of my aunt. It was heart-breaking to see her so thin and weak. I could do nothing but stare at her, and ask occasional questions to learn how she was admitted to the home for the hospice.

The last time I saw gu gu was at SGH with my ah-ma and ma-ma when she suffered hydra-inflammation in her lungs. What I never learnt was a month later, gu gu underwent an operation for breast cancer and was admitted to St Joseph Home thereafter. Sad thing I didn't visit her this year because of Jimson, my work and life commitments.

Last year, we just did our visit, without Mummy... just Jimson, daddy and me. This year, one more member passed away just like that. It sorrow emerges, the grief resurface and heart drowns in tears again.

On my journey to SJH yesterday, I kept questioning myself.. what is it which I've done wrong to undergo this dreadful thing over and over again.. Is it my bad karma? Painfully, I screamed in silence, if there was a God, what is he trying to tell me? Why has it got to be upon my family to make me go through these recurring pain... someone's telling me something...

De one with Sunday's with Clara

Clara day

Yesterday night I have been racing against time in order to produce my part for the accounting project. It lasted from 12 noon after I got back from a knowledge-acquiring cum heart-lightening coffee chat with Mohan at Thomson's Starbucks. All the way till 5am. Basically, the my parts included finding and elaborating how accounting standards were being introduced and developed by both Internation Certified Practising Accountants of Singapore (ICPAS) annd Accounting Standards Council (ASC). Also, to read and comment about Financial report standards of Singapore and that of the Australian accounting standards board. Particularly, issues concerning intangible assets and property, plant and equipment. Imagine having to read chunks of words in the middle of the night... totally wicked.

I thought I woke up at 9am. Supposed to meet Clara 12 noon @ Queenstonw MRT. Turned out I was freaking late and only arrived 1 pm with the poor Clara waiting at one of my favourite diner restaurant - IKEA. It was crowded. Managed to get a reasonably sumptuous lunch.: Clara had poached salmon set, two chicken wings and (join me in applause) my favourite Swiss meatball! *ooo I can see your saliva drooling*

Besides the meatball, my main objective was to purchase a jar-liked-bottle for my secret. And thankfully, I came across one! Lovely. Miss Crab? She did good with a jacket cover.

We headed to Centre @ Clarkquay to search for chip and dale soft toy. Disappointingly and sad, there were none to be found except the large ones which Clara wanted to get last month when we were in Cineleisure. Worst was when I reeaally wanted to get these at Cine later, a girl took the last pair. The letdown struck my heart in two like an unstoppable lightening.

We went Paragon to browse Crumpler store. Spotted one blue, red and white bag which was nice. I bought a blue Nike running singlet, replenished my CK Eternity cologne and got a new pair of adoring cufflings from Raoul.

We took a bus from Hereen busstop advanced to Suntec City. There, Clara did some shopping, in aid of her sister for the company's farewell gift to Gek kiah (GK). Ok, you look lost. Clara's sister happens to work in the same company as GK. Due to studies, GK is quitting her job and the company wants to get a farewell gift for her. Since Clara was out, her sister pleaded her help to obtained as it was urgent. Phew...so much for illustration of other's business.

Anyway, dale-lala was getting the Nike water-bottle for GK's gift when I discovered another yellow cum white running singlet. You should have been there to see how dalelala was monstrously discouraging and forbidding me to proceed with the purchase of a second singlet. Eventually, I got through lah. Hehe.

We settled dinner at Cafe Cartel since dalelala mentioned about the tantalising pork ribs available there. I preferred texas chicken to pork. After that what else? We jalan jalan by foot to Bugis. Hehe. By then, most shops were closed. But I still managed to get my underwears just seconds before the closure. Thereafter, we chilled out at our last stop at TCC for desserts and tea.

It was a wonderful Sunday. At least, it took my mind off certain upsetting issue and my heart lightens up with jokes and silly things like: putting food twice in my mouth when the waiter approached me. What's wrong with me? Yesterday at Starbucks, I actually told the sales-assistant to have my oreo-cheesecake warmed up. Jeez..

De one with 6th Day of Missing You

Miserable

This morning, we rushed our Fei Yue report, just in time for their meeting which was at 6:30pm. Surprisingly, the sense of achievement and relieve weren't felt within me. I let out a sigh and a dreadful blank emotion was charged up in my sian (tired in Hokkien) mind.

Yiwei helped me with the reports preparing when I received the signed documents from Lawrence, the accountant. I felt so helpless.

Anyway, it's done. I left office around half past seven. Initially decided to just hop into a cab and take a speedy ride home. Thankfully, my inner-self reminded me of my "Condo" dream and changed course to the bus interchange where I took a long-hour journey back on transIsland bus 851.

Keep your jaws and eyes intact.. I cried on my way home. Unmanly? Embarrassing? Hell with it. Was listening to some Jay Chou's sendimental songs and heart-ache tears clouded my vision, and streamed down when the corner of my eyes couldn't hold any longer.

That moment as I looked out at the sight of Chinatown, brightly lit and glamoring its passengers, my vacant mind disengaged for the vocalisation of Mohan's, Ben's and others' opinion, which made me realised how pragmatically foolish I am to keep feeling depressed over somebody..

Worst of me even to think of folding hearts which A used to fold twice for me. A personally torn the first one because I was too shy to receive it. Why am I such an introvert?!!

I suddenly recalled there was something a very sweet thing A would do. That was folding a heart out of a bus ticket. Well..partly because bus tickets are obsolete, which kinda contributed to more delight due to its nostalgic feel.

When I got back, my heart melt with gratitude when I found the heart A gave me 3 years ago, safe-kept in my TOUGH-wallet. After while, I learnt how to fold the heart myself and made myself a secret promise with God, whom-heaven-concerns.. for my lifetime happiness...for my lifetime..happiness.

De one with Unforgettable

Gloomy filled the day

It's not use torturing yourself! Get over it and move on.. that would what a rational Jason ought to realise. I did.. 3 years ago. However, like I've said in my previous blog, a spark of devil's work caught me off guarded and I succumbed to my spur of immorality.

Along with it, all deep feelings that I thought was dissipated, rejuvenated miraculously...and the chronic depression infected my heart at tremendous speed. Lately, my presence in office was like an eclipse, casting shadows over the warm-yellow painted office interior. My colleagues can't help mistakenly feel my demoralised mood was due to the undesirably long and relentless Fei Yue audit.

In fact, my desperate misses and reminiscing unforgettable memories were the main culprit for my down-mood. The remembering of being hugged, sweet moments made me feel the bitter sweet heartache.. hurting so much the silent cry took precedent of my emotions.

Sadly, my work got adversely affected. I couldn't concentrate not complete anything!!

At the back of my mind, another problem was bothering me. My suspicions about my health begin to grow concern gradually.

The medication? Mohan went out with me for dinner at pasta. He was like.."I'm gonna slap you" when he tried pointing out my mistake. Unfortunately, I continue to procrastinate efforts to resolve the problem which was the root of my unhappiness.

I bought chocolates. A medication for a broken-heart. Sadly, it'd only tide me for the next 12 days. More than enough, Mohan opinioned. Is it enough? Yesterday, I mentioned even a gallon of choc wouldn't subside my "devastation".

I'm so outrageously immature I know, to continue struggling in this never-ending pain. I shouldn't have to be this way... when I know what the odds are..

Ooh.. Jehovah, please grant us a common pave that leads to eternity? Can putting on eternity cologne make it easier? Just as long I don't hurt anybody.

De one with The Hug

Late night Sunday

"It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all."
- Alfred Lord Tennyson

This entire week I've been going back to office almost everyday. Believe it or not, I went to work on a sunny sunday at 3 and only left office at half past midnight.

Fei Yue..what else..

Lately I've been distracted at work. More of my heart singing for something or someone else. Over and repetitively in my head, I kept thinking, if it weren't for the tight embrace, these feelings wouldn't have been stirred up loose once again.

I thought i had it all within my control.

Jee.. I still miss you alot, A... so badly, it hurts like how it felt 2 years ago. Very much did I want to tell and thank you for being the critical reason I have became sociable like who I am today.

"Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss, and ends with a teardrop."

De one with Wretchedly Sinned

Grey

A gallon of chocolate can't conjure a single drop of happiness to turn my charcoal-heart, so badly and irreversibly ruined with the flame of sin.. with scorning intensity that might have been flames from the deepest shadowed pits of hell. I've never felt so down-cast before.

No angels will weep for they have took flight and departed distant from my pressence. If there was a God, I reckoned he'd carry me on his back. Not even the Buddha in our hearts would sprinkle any benevolence unto me. All blessings seemed abandoned.

The flowers I breathe upon wither like melting plastics. And the undissipated stench of roted deeds effervescently cloud above and surrounding me. Ay... I've sinned.

I feel utterly lost. Life appears like a piece of tissue. Crumple with the slightest force, blown miles away with e gentlest breeze, frailed instantly when smeared with water.

I knew I should move on, but shamefully, I've never ever learn to let go. Disgracefully hopeless and helpless. The tornado of twists in my life keep occurring and on. I knew it's impossible. Yet today did I realised I've retained so much (as it is growing) for you. I have even skipped class just to be there with you. Subjecting myself to oppression with willingness. Gosh, I really do me in.

Never knew what to do with my accumulating grieve as life is fading of colors, representing meanings.

No forgiveness would atone my sin, unspeakable beyond its fact.

De one with Shopping Alone!

Raining night

Today I skipped lecture. Was really tired of attending lectures after a chain of 3 days, supposedly 4 including today's if I had made my appearance at campus. Well, haven't been to shopping since it was either work or school. I decided to take a shopping "retreat" after I left work at 6pm.

Right from day start, this decision to skip lecture was clear. Got my mobile phone to send "invitations" to a bunch of people. Out of 5, 4 replied. 2 didn't. 2 couldn't make it. 1 could, however it turns out she had other appointment. Eh! so that means adding 1 to those who "couldn't". Hehe.

Nevermind about the disappointing effort. I told myself I'm not pathetic and went to Vivo City alone and courageously! Within 1 hour, I comfortably spent $358. Amazing? *erm.. I see your bulging eyes and dropping jaws. Not to mention..that obviously loud "WHAT?!"

Well, the main attribute was the shirt and a sweet collar-tee from River Island.

Managed to satisfy my temptation long born and restricted from the last time I was at Vivo with my colleagues, buying presents for office's July babies. Muhaha.

2nd runner up was home videos entertainment. A new show "Spiderwick" was released. Nice.

But the very bore move was taking "Heroes" DVD off the rack , after a few occassions of being caught in a dilemma on its purchase in the past.

Not forgetting, bought lots of candy from Candy Empire and Marks & Spencers!


Well, though not #1, my priority of going Vivo was to acquire printer-ink cartridge. Cost me $89+ for a twin package. Unwilling but can't help it. The lecture notes calls for desperate need for depleted ink.

Spending money like nobody's business is discouraging I know. However, it's been ages since I came out and coming out alone! Jee.. Lately alot of people have been singing praises of me being young, handsome. I doubt so?!? Or am I too naive to notice?

*Munch munch* I guess a humble pie is delicious for now....nonetheless!

De one with Giving Out & Not Returned

Cold despite the warm weather

Recently, I watched this Hong Kong drama "The Drive of Life" and a statement in one of the episodes, caught my attention and subsequently imprinted itself deeply in my mind. It says "give your heart out to others and others give theirs to you". Right now as I'm blogging, it kinda bear some familiarity with God's testimony or bible phrases.

Personally, I believe it's true. Partially.. not that true enough. Definitely, not this evening. As you know, I've worked at Gabriel's office for over a year. And it's kinda sad to declare my limited growth both in work and fitting in with my colleagues. Well, let's pave the exposure I've got.

It always seemed unclear about my proximity with my fellow work-mates whom, I reckon, are close to me even after 1 year on board the company. Perhaps it's my personality which they never discover or I didn't show or express. It's sad. Colleagues is one of the crucial factors to consider and I did honestly, thought of quiting because I don't feel belonged.

Call it jealousy or what (for all I care) but I've been committed in my job yet this new colleague just fit in because he can talk and he's new. Well.. it kinda affected me and getting on my nerve when I try to search what's the problem in me.

In the midst of searching for the root of problem, I begin to feel fed-up with myself. Jeez.. it's really detestable why I gave my heart out and it seems nobody give a daamm about me.

Well..then again, the angel Jason will advise giving doesn't mean receiving the same later. I know.. Am I really this utter failure? Am I really competent even if I keep trying? Dammm..

Moreover, I really dislike being so pushy and lost of direction. Sigh..

Heart-broken

I was the last person to leave office at 10:30 today. Nearly cried because somehow I couldn't help but feel perhaps I don't belong. Especially, the colleagues around. Honestly, no matter how much I do or the things I've done for the Company, I never really felt drawn close to them.

Time and again, it let loose and I feel the new colleagues fit in better with my seniors. It's like "marginalisation". Repeatedly, I keep consoling myself, reprimanding my over-sensitiveness and for goodness sake, I'm a guy who's ought to have an open-heart.

Perhaps, it's the innate Leo character in me, always wanted to be in the center of a group. Perhaps, I'm too spoiled with everything revolving around me. I'm too sheltered with love and attention since young. And partly, I'm too naive.

After Huimin, Rebecca and Alice left, I was so close to crying in the dead silence of loneliness. Nobody bothered to feed my mobile phone's inbox. My mind's abit exhausted. My heart feeling fatigue.. too heavy to feel anymore pain from being alone and uncared for.

Is there no one? Or are all these his testing on me? "Kindly grant me a break-through", yearns my heart, with tears gathering form thy eye-duct. "Pls... forgive my sins, mis-doings and clip a pair of wings on my back to alleviate all these shadows of loneliness, imperfections and unhappiness."

De one with I Shouldn't Have

Drizzles from the night sky

Afternoon I was running late for our gang meeting. Supposed to have arrived at Bugis (our decided meeting venue) at 1:3opm. Embarrassingly, I only reached almost 1.5 hours later with Clara in a cab. Excused? None. Truth was, I didn't wanted to reach early and get stuck with nothing except entertaining myself? Or not.. just don't wish to be early.

Anyway, the next moment we found ourselves in Seoul garden, happily cooking and eating all the cooked/uncooked food. The talking came gradually. I didn't talked much. Did cracked some cold joke. Well, some funny, some not so. Can you imagine hilarious statements such as "Wait! Later my chicken cannot hatch" when Loo Wan was camouflaging the soup with a canopy of vegetables when I was cooking my hard-boiled egg in the soup. And one more "the PORK got drown in the flood" when actually, I was referring to "PIGS", explaining why they shouldn't eat Sichuan chicken or pork (no offence, due to possible food-shortage in Sichuan)

Jielong and Ivan were having a fun time in their creative cooking with all those unwanted food and ingredients such as prawn's head, burnt eggs. Damm.. we gotta give it to them, they do have some chef-in-the-making "talents" despite their obvious mischief.

I enjoyed the lunch, except the smelly part with the BBQ stench on my T-shirt due to the cooking.

Thankfully, the present for Jielong fitted well. How to verify arh? We asked him to try it on of course! Phew..

Ivan left and we proceeded to Bencoolen Centre then Sim Lim Square coz Jielong needed a battery replacement for his watch and purchase PC games. Loo Wan wanted to get T-shirts from Bugis Street.

I couldn't help but admit initially, I wanted to go shopping at Vivo.. with Clara. Yesterday's shopping for colleagues' presents enticed alot of temptations. Of course, this was planned in anticipation that the gang wouldn't have anything else to do as they had to complete their projects (>Ivan) and study for exams (>Jielong) the next day. However, things didn't turn out the way I expected. So boredom and hostility took over when the gang moved around Bugis V, Bencoolen, OG, Sim Lim.

At the end of the day, I realised I shouldn't be so selfish and persistent-minded just because something or agenda didn't occur in accordance to what I have wished or wanted. Blame it on me.. I'm such a spolit-brat. It's a real ugly side of me, in the capacity of a gang member, as a friend. It's simply unglamorous.

Yet, I'm just glad I did reminded myself and practised the virtue of "accommodating" and formulated the idea of "shopping can wait.. gang outing only once in the bluemoon and it's not like the rest goes shopping all the time". Perhaps this is called "considerate"? Well.. I admit resentment against my fellow gang mates, contaminated my heart for a moment back then. And now, I felt ashamed, just like at the moment I'd realised my moment of foolishness.

Friends matters alot. I learnt this from A, deeply imprinted in my heart. I need... to be more CONSIDERATE, learnt how to LET GO and no "shouldn't have" ill-behaviors.

De one with Buying Jielong's Birthday Gift

Warm weather

Evening met up with Loo Wan to being our hunt for Jielong's birthday gift coz event's approaches this Sunday. Our browsing started abruptly from Topman till G2ooo black label. Both of us were like "dools", trying to buy a shirt for him when we've not seen him for ages and were not very clear about the right size which fits. So..hmm.. summon my wits, rang Jielong and asked him for his opinion on which shirt size best to get for my "colleague" since both of them are as tall. Loo was like smirking "it's so obvious, he's gonna know of my treachery". Thanks arh, Loo. That's pretty encouraging..hack, like we have other alternatives..nobody in our gangs knows which size to get.

We landed up at G2000 BL eventually. There we became "dools" again, spending so long considering our choices on whether to get a belt/cufflings/shirt/tie. Ended up, both of us resolved Jielong's birthday gift shall be a light sky blue shirt, costing $79 bucks. FYI, 10 persons in our gang, each must budget. Haha!

Ivan met up with us to proceed with our filling dinner at Marina Square's Burger King.. budget right? We chatted. In our conversations, I can't help but realised how visioned were my peers and they sounded so clear on what they are striving for in the foreseeable future. Which made me feel inferior and raise doubts within me, struggling for an answer: "Where am I heading in years to come?"

Seriously, I don't have a clear picture. All I knows if I should take a step at a time and am just overly glad I found interest in whatever I'm landed with. Like present, my auditing.

We met Clara for supper. Poor gal rushed from work place to Boon Keng prata shop in a cab. Only to discover the boys whom she was meeting turned up late. I know.. very bad of us, guys. No choice, Clara ordered and tucked into her prata dinner. We shared a chicken murtabak, just not to make our lady look bad having to eat alone.

We spent nearly an hour chatting, discussing our plans for Sunday's celebration for Jielong's special day and joking about how each of us usually behave whenever we meet. Didn't really stayed too long as both Loo Wan and Ivan were concerned with availability of public transport home.

Short and sweet day to end up with. *wink*

De one with Apologies

Shaddy all over again

Chin Yu says I should have a goal in life, it focuses meaning to my life.

Helpless and honest, I've never had a defined goal in life. Most of the time, it was imposed upon me.

Not even being a friend...

I think I've been apologising most in my past 22 years. I was trying to please everybody, in order to make people happy. Never felt I did. 22 years of apologies, I still feel far-d from who I humbly wish to be.

Like tonight, after meeting a solemn looking Mohan, I could help but slipped into deep reflection of my inner self. Turns out disappointingly, uh-ah.. I am not a good person after all.

If social is a subject or exam in life, I reckon I'll barely pass. It's cruelly pathetic... when you realised what a loser you are. Not self-pitying but hey, let's "open the windows and chat brightly". Truth is... Nobody enjoys having my company: My introverting nature cause people to feel uncomfortable and most of the time, awkward. When we're out, I hardly talk much. Besides, my conversation were short-lived or turned out offensive. Can I be even more?

Ok, enough questions to which I do not have answers. I'm so tired. Excuse, let it be. Barely feel accepted or appreciated. I'm just... one grave boring guy.. nothing else excepts full of apologies.

De one with Lights Up

End of 3 days' torture in campus

Finally! It's over after 3 days of having attended lectures for the module which I've dao bo ("take-out" in Hokkien(?), erm.. in this context, it means "fail" in our "studentictionery") Hehe.

Not forgetting, the worries of having to pay school fees ($3.7K poorer now *exposing empty pockets and head's down) and striving to form a group with another two course-mates whom I've just knew. Because of these bothersome issues, I nearly missed a night's sleep.

Anyway, I pushed for resolutions. Dropped by the bank during lunch time and obtained a cheque withdrawal. This came in handy as I could forgo the long-waiting in the queue to pay by credit/cash and just dropped my cheque outside the campus admin office, convenient right?

Besides, I turned up for lecture after discouraged by my dear friend, "fresh-graduate" Clara, not to skip lecture (was my initial thought). Turns out, her advice was great and I persisted and got into a group of three when I was involved in a clique of 4. Well, I discussed with another guy. We made friends with a girl sitting behind us. She was alone. And the other two gals in my group (both living at extreme corners of Singapore) decided not to split between themselves and wanted to look someone else to join them. Not trying to be ungentlemanly. We respected their decisions. Simply perfect.

Things are working out. With this, I'm safeguarded and more confident to face forthcoming challenges, (if any la)!

De one with Afresh

Mouth-twisting day

Have you every wonder what's the aftermath taste of having failed a module or test and restarting over? No idea for those "bamboo" students (aka result-slip-ful of A's student).. or some may have experienced yet substitute with remorseful disappointment which was abruptly replaced with panicky... some became more determined to improved, reflecting a hardening boiled egg. Others.. immunity, like a chronically-ill patient who forgot the pain of syringe and bitter medication.

Ok, I was exaggerating! Lemme share what I felt today. For the very first time in my past 1.5 years of doing my pre-graduate degree, I experienced my virgin chance of having re-attend my corporate accounting lectures. Due to unfortunate reasons, such as not being hardworking.. partly and heavily burdened with commitments with office-shift.

Yesterday night, the yucky feeling of anxiety creeped itself into my mind. Worries pondered what my day would be. Sadly, the anxiety developed into advance level of low morale as I en route to school..alone.. not knowing how I'd cope, attending a lecture with non-familiar faces and the agony of having to make new friends to fit in. AWww..

The signal sounded off when I finally arrived at the level of heighten alertness. At that moment, I kept cool as I walked into down the steps of the inclined lecture theater. If the room had been colder, I bet evaporation gas would have been visible as I let out a sigh as I sat down. Jeez.

"What was I thinking.. why am I stuck being such a loser" Oh god, I really should have studied wiser and passed". Confusion of thoughts buzzed inside my full-engined mind like thousands labouring bumble-bees. All of a sudden, the regretful moment melt away when this Josephine and two other familiar faces we met during re-enrollment appeared and sat beside.

As I thought all were enough, what was worst was the lecturer just had to mention about prior year failures (51 people..FYI). Sigh.. Embarrassment took the limelight.

In the end, I succeeded in suppressing all these unpleasant awareness of starting afresh. What a new semester encounter to begin with. Faintz~

Jesus, couldn't care less.. just expedite the semester closure and guarantee my fulfilled graduation! With good grades, hopefully!!

De one with Jason to Jason

Working on a Saturday

It was raining heavily after my quick run at the park around noon. Why noon? Well.. sleepyhead woke up late. I was too lazy to take the cheaper bus-train-bus route to work (I had to clear my consolidation for one particular job which was delayed for quite some time), decided to take the next incorrigible cab-trip.

It was drizzling and passing showers when I texted my "friends" inquiring them on what they'd do when they are unhappy. Well.. I waaaasss unhappy. I read all the replies which suggested the usual consoling things to do. I bet you'd have known it better.

Let's see..remedies for unhappiness: Eat chocolates?

I have been eating the Sins chocolate which Clara got me. It's not helping;

Sleep?

Happy not unhappy, I spend most of my weekends when I'm not busy, sleeping. Coz I haven got much sleep throughout the week all because of the hectic job.

Find friends to go out with?

I did.. and I guess my close friends are starting to get bored going out with me. I'm a considerably boring person. And my schedules clashes with others'.

Doing things I like?

I have been drawing, listening to music, jogging, blogging,.. perhaps it's all that I have which attribute to my resentment for having such a uncontented life.

Have goals in life so as to be focus?

Appears to person I'm sure of what I want because I'm a very picky person. blub.. Actually I'm a pretty confused guy. Blurred-minded and too easy-going I hardly got a defined goal. Perhaps, I detest being over pressured due to my bad habit of being over persistent when I really get interested into something.

I've had it, Jason! It's time to sort YOU out!

What are you really unhappy about?

My appearance?

Dammit. It's not like you're hideous. You were "dispensing your charms" on the sweet girl at NYDC and KFC on Efi's birthday. Mohan tells you were stared at. And please, if you ain't really happy, go gym or eat well and push your limits to become fitter!

I'm not that goodlooking. And no, it's not true, people doesn't look at me. Nobody bother to care or even liked me.

Dude, being goodlooking ain't everything. No offense but you can be good-looking with kindness or possessing good nature. Nobody cares?

Well, friends do. It's just whether you're open minded enough lor. If you rather not believe, there are people whom you can't deny their unbounded love for you... they are your granny and Mummy.. they'll always love you even when they gone. Alright?

I'm not good at being sociable. Perhaps I'm inferior of being alone.

J, you're strong guy remember? From young, you've always been able to cope with any challenges. Just open your heart and keep cool.. in fact I admired you for your courage. You never cry but only when you're alone. You remain resilient through your deepest grieve. I feel what you lack is confidence! Bring that confidence you have in your drawing hands and bring the same magic out to your social skill.

Studies. I failed one module. It's so embarassing. And work?! It's been a year and I'm still struggling. Sometimes I really drop and reconsider in my thoughts whether I'm competent enough for this path I've choosen.

Like Rebecca encouraged you. Don't feel discouraged. Try again. Failure is not the end. The end is when you never learn from your failures. Like it or not, you ought to be determined in whatever you've chosen. Honestly, this is not your style. In this 23 years, despite your wrong choices, you always have a way to make the best out of it. Come on, let's go Jason, come on!

You do love auditing, don't you?

Very much indeed. It's the matter of being imcompetent..

Won't deny you're a rather competitive person..although you always appear as soft-natured. It's a learning life. And it's pragmatically true in whichever industry you get involved in. You've walked a long way. Remember the leaking flower pot story? The leaking pot only got to realise its short-coming turned out to be a blissing which it never realised. Learning maybe tough. However, keep trying. Like the way you gained knowledge on how to play the snare drum and march during your secondary school military band days. How you learnt the drumset when you were in JC. And the keyboard because of the person you went head over heels.
You've a weapon, which is persistence/determination. Read more, ask and learn more, gunndoo..!

Life's just a piece of blank paper

In fact, you're just shutting yourself lately. And you resent going for courses. Chin Yu always reminded you of driving. You've cleared and wasted your advance theory. There's so much activities which you could have done alone.

Nobody truly understands me

That's because you're often negative. You have been doing and thinking defiantly. Seriously you just crave for attention. Yet you only want attention from people you like and as a result, fail to see those who care for you. Be yourself, J. "Do things within your means."

You know, sometimes I just feel so alone. Feel nothing's going right.

Some things are just out of our control. But what's comforting is we have a way to deal with it through our perspective. Don't worry, boy.. I'll be here for you always.

You sure?

I'm sure. You are the Heart. I'm the Mind. Always here until your perfect someone arrives.

De one with Nuts About Grants

Fine weather

Mentally tired... left work and office at 12+am today. Was overly occupied with a consolidation job.

Yesterday, I text my manager, Rebecca, expressing my un-settled opinion on my performance in FYCS audit. THank goodness my senior, Yiwei, guided me through. No doubts, he's good (from his past two years hands-on) and willing. For that, I'm very grateful.

Yiwei was there at FYCS with me and he made me realised my approach for the expenditure testings not quite up to what was required. Well, he didn't reprimand me but sat down patiently to explain and provide me with a clearer picture.

Today, the understanding came through. What a relieve I managed to sort out some confusion. And good lord, I was completely clueless and lost like sotong when I faced grants.

Basically, accounting treatment of grants (FRS20) is to account for grants amortisation so as to match off either the expenditure or over useful life. To better complicate issues, there are various circumstances which restricts such treatments, mainly due to the differences in requirement set out by the funding organisation.

Well, as the going gets tough, the tough gets going. I'm gonna conquer and savor this new challenge! Yee~ha!

By the way, interest event occurring at our office today! We celebrated Efi's birthday. This Indonesia colleague. Bought KFC, MacDonalds' fries and party over lunch in our office. Well..the cake came later. Not forgetting, the amusing "amazing race" for the birthday girl, for her to locate her present after a demanding series of clue-searching. The final clue turned out to be in my boss' room (hehehe). Truly comical to witness the game.

Well well..I wished my birthday would have been more adventurous!

De one with Smiley Day

Sunshine

Today's a happy day. I mean real happy! Most probably gonna sleep with a smile heh!!

Reason? I ain't gonna tel you.. well..ok..perhaps just abit. I spotted something I've been crazy over lately! Jeezz..am I blushing?

Afternoon made my way back to office to clear my assignment and accompanied Alice, my Indonesian colleague to Cityhall. She got her foundation, I got my new Biotherm facial product! After which we had dinner at Mos and had a couple of good laughs over our conversation on face.

She even asked, jokingly, on what were my remedies to maintain a flawless face. Omg.

Hehe.. WELL.. it's the thing I saw which made me over-flow with joy!

De one with Fei Yue Audit

Erm.. Fine Weather

First and foremost, please bear with my uncertainty about the weather. Was coped up in client's place which obviously had no view of the outside. Well, there is a window. Unfortunately, it's covered with opaque blinds! So... well..

2nd day at Fei Yue! Urh.. not really good. Kinda lost because what I thought were simple turned out tricky. Sighz. Nevermind, trying my best but daaaymm.. it's getting abit daunting. Probably due to my dislike for not having control and eventual confidence at what I'm doing. Duh!

Nothing much, more or less. Met the accountant, Lawrence Kwok. I believe he is a Hongkonger, recognising his accent. No good too because I malu myself when I mistakably present him with a wrong GL printout and he realised my mistake. Imaginatively "shrink" into the size of a shoe. Not to mention, the constant feeling of oppressive pressure from this accountant's considerably prominent background and rich experience.

Well.. two weeks, hopefully less and I'm done with Fei Yue.. no fun..

De one with Optimist-ing

Rebirth

Two weeks ago, I received my results for my fourth semester. I failed. Worse was when I came home after out-pro from my in-camp training. It was Friday evening when the discouraging news dawn before me, right before my eyes when the screen flashed my results.

Well, perhaps lately, alot of devastating incidents occurring around me, which had immuned me both mentally and emotionally. Trust me, I've met worst prior this. Of course, immunity doesn't literally mean I have become unfeeling. And I wouldn't deny, I was upset. However, the first reaction was to type and email my appeal, with frail hopes and wish of "the final struggle" to the course administrator, for a change of results. Unfortunately, the revert, which came a week plus later, confirmed my intuitions of its un-success.

Although I have suffered the ever-coming downs, I've learnt to become strong and picked myself up to move on with life. My colleagues were encouraging. Including my manager who kept telling me not to be discouraged and that I could make it. Well.. I believe my mummy
(if she was still by my side), she'd have very much said the same.

Sorry to all my readers, but I guess later my blogs depicted most of my depressing moments. Well, I tend to conceal my melancholy feelings and pour them out in words in here. I'm a writting/drawing person ba.

Work's getting busier. Ironic as it may sound, I failed my corporate accounting but I just completed doing consolidation for foreign companies, it's grandson and son. And subsequently, the son and father (who's a local company). Next week, I'll be doing audit for one of our "premium" clients, FeiYue. Heard it's a prominent charitable bodies in Singapore. I'm just looking forward to face this new challenge..well.erm.. alone.

Recently, I've been neglecting my honey. Usually after work, I'll take cab home just to be back home early to accompany my granny. She has been lonely since the depart of my younger brother. And my Aunt, Mama, usually went home earlier just to avoid the nagging of my granny.

I'm trying to be optimistic. So.. today I shall talk about happy moments in my life..

Remembered those days when my family brought us to Switzerland and Gold Coast, Australia. It was a half-yearly family affair. Remember fond memories of being abroad, take photos with my younger brother and hearing my mummy who was always complaining about my "selfish" father who was always indirectly neglecting us in pursuit of his eagerness over sight-seeing. Undesirable but paradoxically, the overwhelming joy of vacation impression-ed joyful chapter in my young-boy, care-free days.

Another happiest moment in my life was when I was in secondary school. My studies were reasonably good, CCA commitment presented me with abundance of honor from achievements in winning at outdoor band coms, experiencing the unimaginable such as performing along Orchard Rd during Chingay 1999/under the pressure of a full-house National Stadium. My parents would always turn up for every band com. The school canteen sellers adore me. Gosh, everything fell in place so nicely, fulfilling all aspect. Simply splendid!

Birthdays! Haven't been celebrating now but DON'T CHA just love it when you get presents, cut birthday cakes and entitle yourself to ONCE-A-YEAR chance to wish for something (although it may not always be fulfilled..hehe). Nonetheless, it's MY day. Not to forget, the amazing feeling of realising how long have you been living on the universe! Awwwesome~

The good old JC days. All in debt to the presence of unforgettable friends and glory of being sectional leader hor! Truly must disclose the everlasting laughter and intense feeling of belonging during this two years of copper period! Keke.. lemme get a munch of humble pie.

Alvin Tan. Knowing Alvin as a friend, was as if adding streak of rainbow to spice up my life. Appreciating and doing things which I'd never though I would do, his accompany realised how important friends were to me and delivered more than meets the eye on things we could do with friends like treating dinner, late night KTV, the non-stop actions... His life truly packed with continuous activities and I always felt so small, realising how little my life was. Truly admire and envy his vibrant life which I got involved in for a couple of months!

Well.. time waits for no one - the phrase I used to read on the cover of my full-scape paper-pad when I was still in primary school. Not until recent age when its meaning reveal clear to my understanding. Overtime, people you met and happenings encountered evolved around you. People couldn't explain why this phenomena, unintentionally excuse by saying "that's just part and puzzle of life". No offence. Undoubtedly, it's convincingly true in a sense.

Que sara sara, whatever will be, will be... I very much believe things would turn out better for me. So I've decided to continue "optimis-ing" while the clock is ticking!

De One with ICT and the Week Following

Warm nights

Just completed my first ICT (In-Camp Training). Prior this, I was filled with alot of uncertainties about how everything's gonna turn out, especially IPPT which got me abit worried. Thank goodness, everything was still bearable. Passed my IPPT too. However, my 2.4km timing dropped by 30 minutes at 9.59mins. Other undesirables involved all the excessively long period of time lag in waiting and no authority given upon us, specialist. Which I believe can't be helped. It's just like this... like some unspoken or irrevocable fault.

Well.. my skills went rusty. Can't deny it. Nonetheless, positive attitude earned myself considerably fair bit of knowledge and confidence.

Let's see.. what else.. Other than that, it's nice getting the opportunity to catch up (well, although I don't really talk much) or should I say, see the gunners and fellow battery-mates after what.. 2 years?! Most of us seemed to have put on weight. Hehe. And they are doing well in exams. Omg.

Alot would say ICT's a "switch-off" or in simple terms, a break from work and studies. I feel otherwise. Not being un-patriotic but dawning the green uniform is like sealing your civiliahship and all its associated liberty in a green envelope. "Switch off"? Imprisonment more likely ba.

The week following was rocketing. The first day back at work, most of my clients' documents came back for me to prepare the release of final audit report. There was one which needs amendments due to some new findings. but NEVERMIND, I love my job!

Did a consol job again. This was special because I had to follow closely to a Hong Kong audit report. Risky but fun! I dealt with a fierce director who eventually chatted with me over the telephone for hours. Haha. It's...satisfying.. to gain your client's confidence in you and change prepositions to your favour. That's why I love my job!

Looking forward... for good things in life and miraculous improvements!!

De one with Turning Workpoint

Blank skies

Today is which I believe to be an ultimately down day. On my way to work, my mind reminded me the days I used to bring my younger brother to school at Balestier. The eyes beginning filling with moist until it threatened to come flowing down my cheeks.

Work was the main culprit. Seriously, I'm really realising how bad I am at work. Perhaps my manager, Rebecca is losing faith or trust in me as a staff, due to my recent incompetence. Recently, I find myself having to deal with simple but "troublesome" jobs. Not forgetting, she hardly talk to me. Maybe this is what happens to a person who mentions he felt like resigning. Why? Because the travelling is demoralising? Or am I being prejudiced for poor performance, making careless mistakes or asking too much questions which portray me to be useless, reliant person?

I kept thinking of a reason to understand why I've became so down, feeling so lousy myself when I thought I have been performing and the future was glittering with promising opportunities. Now, all feels like everything have shut themselves or turn their backs against me. Terrible terrible brutality of sadness.

And I wondered very much, why such depression falls upon me. Why eh, I've become such extreme pessimist. Is there nothing I can do to turn the events for the better? I did.. I do take a breath and console myself that its for a moment. Things would get better. Well uh.. the effort only prove to last as long as the memory of a goldfish (which Clara told me ..3 seconds?)

I know frowning doesn't help. However, I love to achieve. So much, I doubt whether whatever I'm doing is really what I cut out to be or least, capable of?

De one with Vesak Day

Sunny

How was your long weekend? Mine was reasonably well-spent. Well... at least better than sleeping it the day away! *smile*

Not really much doings within these few days. Nevertheless, shall reveal abit of what I've been engaging in. Like on Friday night, I met Mohan at Orchard to purchase his white shirt since he's in need for his attachment at High Court. Cool! Today, met Clara for shopping.

Shopping. Yes! That was one of the major agendas for this long weekend. Of all, I'm quite please, managed to make all the necessary purchases. Like new colognes, white belts, cufflings (a small pair of adorable aeroplanes). Eating was as usual yet delightful. What's more wonderful to have meals with dear friends, agreeable?

All the spendings, I must emphasize..not much. I'm just glad I've saved some money. All thanks to Mohan and ultimately, Clara ("clara-dalelala-chili-crab") because they have put in alot of effort in dissuading me from making the purchase. What purchase you must be asking. It's this "macho" black Longsdale shoulder bag. Erm.. didn't check out the price though..but well.. I'm just happy I didn't waste the penny for buying something which I wanted, not in need.

What's the next best thing I've done? It's SUN-TANNING! Clara asked me out on Saturday for swim at Bishan. Finally, revived the sun-kissed (not very "chao da" meaning burnt in Hokkien) but it's fine! Not forgetting the great workout.. being an approximately 8km run, starting from Bishan Park, up Thompson road and one round around Macritche Park. Apollo, the god of sun, had been generous with his provision of valiant sun!

Another part which I was anticipating was meeting Honey. Well.. supposed to meet again on Saturday afternoon but hell.. all thanks to miscommunication breakdown, we ended up quarreling, even before we met. Faint~

Overall, it was a fantastic weekend spent. When we're in well, let's not also forget about the tragic news which teared our hearts for the people devastatingly affected by the earthquake in China. I hereby express my deepest condolences and shall the calamity be speedily over and life surfaced again to aid these people to move on.

De one with Screwed Up

Scorning sun

I simply just don't understand why I've became so angry! so utterly unhappy!! And end up with a heart filled with everlasting regret and self-hatre!!

I start to feel there's nothing in this world around me that's genuine... I just can't seemed to fit even a single bit... Begin to stray from my friends, ultimately uncertain of who I am..

Maybe th symptoms of insanity is approaching.. perhaps, depression..

Where art thou angel, please bring me to the path of the light.
To the garden of life, where no children will cry forevermore

De one with Not Forgetting

Warm day

Today is my first battle for the 4th semester, being Corporate Accounting. Although it was not a tough paper, I thought it to be a very tricky one nonetheless. What was I thinking, totally overlooked the part on a crucial entry to reverse the investment in subsidiary for consolidation question. Faint~ There was a few parts of the examinations questions which got me overly confused and doubtful on what I've prepared during my studies, the whole exam felt like a dream. Simply because I was doing it with low confidence. Sigh. When I came out of the exam hall, my mind was sub-consciously worried.

The entire morning I was groggy. Mainly due to the inability to slip into slumber. In fact, some thoughts surfaced mentally, which affected me as if the gates of a dam was lifted to release the flood. Flood of tears. Tears of hidden emotions. Deeply missing my departed loved ones...

Story books, documentaries on mankind and drama series imparted knowledge that human beings are astonishing wonderful species. Due to their advanced level of intelligence, it has possible their capability to develop emotions. Evolution enables mankind, being us to deal with these emotions. Particularly... grief.

Different people have different ways of handling grief. Such actually revolved around my family.

Daddy visits Mummy and Jimson's grave at Mandai Crementorium in order to spend more time with them. He refuse to throw any of their belongings and even keeps Mummy's handphone line unutilised, all for memorial purposes. For ah-ma would prepare 3 meals everyday and ask me brother to come back to eat, exactly the way it was done when he was alive. My uncle would get himself drunk, especially during the period after Mummy passed away. He stopped drinking red wine so often after Jimson (who used to loved drinking red wine almost every week) left. My cousin, Jasmine have typed in her MSN personal message: "It is really different without you".

For me, I prefer to store everything in my tiny heart. I blog my misery. Strive to continue life per normal. Inflict alot of pressure on myself with work, school, entertain my friends, shop extravagantly, bricker with Honey, ate alot of chocolates, run frequently. Honestly, I did all these not in attempt to bury my sorrows. Do let me continue...

I always believe there is a time for everything. Tough times wouldn't last forever. Things which needs to be done shall be done. These are some philosophies which I've realised, well, not too late, but they have helped me understand and be optimistic about life somehow or rather.

Sadly, regardless of how bright I feel about life/try to be, I could never deny myself being an overly emo guy. When I'm alone/taking my lunchbreak at the stairs/just before I sleep, it didn't matter how battered I'm from overwhelming merciless-pressure, my tiny heart will overfill and I'll just break down. More than ever, painfully.

As much as I know big boys shouldn't cry, I just couldn't help. Suddenly yesterday, in the abyss of worries for the approaching exams, somehow I was reminded how much I missed Mummy and Jimson. The moment I looked at their photos in my handphone, bursting to tears proceeded with my inner self questioning repeatedly: "Where are you guys now? Why did you have to leave me so early?"

At the same time, yearning very much to be in the past. I remembered the time when I spent overnight at the hospital when Jimson was having his operation for the back of his neck. Mummy and Daddy came, they would visit him everyday. I recalled the times we spent our lazy Saturdays at home when Mummy would be so frustrated over feeding Jimson, who always give her a hard time.

I swear I would have given up my life... shorten my lifespan... anything just to turn back time. I needed a miracle very much. Gosh.. maybe this is a very selfish?

It is very difficult to forget.. perhaps which explains why we rather stick to not forgetting, resulting in us executing irrational actions and spur of emotions.

"Our memories keeps them alive. Our hearts retains our perpetual ties with them. Our lacrimation reminds us of how most indispensable they are. Concurrently, calls of our silent echos of their return"

De one with My Brother

Tears from the sky, dampening our hearts

"心裡的雨傾盆而下 卻始終淋不到他"

Supposed out of all people who know me or have me as a friend, they have never been to anyone's family funeral more than once..not especially for a friend who has lived only 22 years of his life and his family members was brutally reduced by half.


I'm afraid there is and that person is none other than me. 3 years ago, my beloved Mummy passed away. My dear younger brother, Jimson left to be with my Mummy about 58 days ago.
"朦朧的時間 我們溜了多遠"

"再給我兩分鐘 讓我把記憶結成冰"
That was some night in March, around 1-2+am. I was working late at home because it was a peak-period for work, as well as school's projects. Hearing noises from my younger brother, I thought to myself: "Why is he still awake and bothering my granny at such late hours". Went over and found him complaining to my granny about his left arm. Initially, I thought he was being hussy, so I positioned him properly on his bed as he was completely dependent on us. Realised his facial complexion was weird looking, I turned on the lights.. to my horror, I witnessed his lips were turning dark-purple, Jimson looked awfully pale and he kept pointing to his arm, implying it was cramped and what I felt turned cold. Something was very wrong.

I tried rubbing his hands to keep them warm, my cousin woke up, together with my uncle, we kept calling him as he gradually turned unconscious or in a state of shock. I figured he looked liked he was choked. Uncle used a spoon and finger to test for an foreign object in Jimson's throat. I practised what I was taught during SISPEC, hugging him from behind and giving pressure to his chest, in painful hopes of getting his phragms out.

My cousin, in a state of confusion, took awhile before calling for an ambulance. Approximately 5 minutes, it occurred to me Jimson had left us. There was no heartbeat nor breathing and his body turned soft with its warm dissipating. I yearn in desperation, lost and panicked..

... Rushed down to the void deck, trembling.... all my worried thoughts giving way to helpless hopes for the arrival of the ambulance.. saw my aunt getting off the cab and rushing upstairs..
complete lost..

Finally, the ambulance came, with a trembling tone, I kept repeating to the medic the patient is upstairs, attempted to keep calm to "load" the medic with all the necessary information about my brother. In my heart, I was already pleading helplessly for these patient medics to rush.

The next 10 minutes, I was already in the ambulance, looking at the medics in the back carriage. During that moment, anger raged in my head as intuition hint to me of the lack of the medics' effort to revive my lifeless brother. "Just couldn't the ambulance go any faster" And charging through all those red traffic lights when my brother's life is at stake here!"

Upon arrival at Tan Tock Sheng A&E, I tried my best to play whatever minor role in helping the medics lift the trolley-bed off the ambulance and transferring him to another bed. Shortly later, my uncle and aunt arrived.. followed by my daddy a couple of minutes later.

As we waited during that one-hour, I was praying, pleading all the gods of the universe that I was willing to give up anything else in exchange to save Jimson from this ordeal, until I begin weeping. The female medic went in and came out to comfort me with a news that the surgeons have managed to revive Jimson's heartbeat. Suddenly, there was hope to ascertain Jimson was saved.

Unfortunately, a later update rendered all hopes perished. The surgeon came out a hour later, telling us that Jimson was brain-dead due to the prolong lack of oxygen. Even when the heart is alive, he is unable to breathe on his own. We were then asked to consider the choice of letting Jimson go or maintain him on a life-support machine. Chances of any improvement to his conditions was "very very very very slim" as mentioned by the surgeon.

My daddy considered letting him go, having listened to countless advices from the surgeons on how it is meaningless, torturing to Jimson and financially burdened it would be for us should we keep Jimson on the machine. My aunt was sobbing devastatingly, objecting to the choice for euthanasia. In my mind, I was overwhelmed with grieve, consider none of the choices but challenging the reality that Jimson was gone forever.

"想哭 来试探自己麻痹了没 全世界 好象只有我疲惫"
I knew I had to remain my composure so that others don't have to worry about me. I understand creating a scene like those in drama series, would only make things worst. When my daddy asked me for my opinion as if i was the head of the family, I suggested the next best opportunity.. which was to retain Jimson for as long as possible, reluctant to shut any occurance of possible miracle.

There were lots of negotiation which follows between my daddy and the surgeons. It was really more than meets the eye. In the end, Jimson was to be sent to an ICU ward where they would test his survival with medication, glucose and vitamins to prolong his chances of maintaining his failing heart-pulse, even on the life-support machine.

"我面无表情看孤独的风景"
Everybody must have thought I must have lost my mind, I went to my client's place as confirmed with my client. Despite my manager's instruction for me to be absent, I changed
after an hour of sleep and proceed per my agenda before rushing down to the hospital.

It was around 10 minutes to 12 when Jimson finally succumbed to the angel of death, of course, as much as I hate this event, I couldn't help but cried all my grief out as the rest of my family broke down beside my deeply-missed brother's deathbed.

The funeral exhausted us out, all the way until the cremation which was heartbreaking and Heaven was weeping together in the form of rain.

"只剩挥散不去的难过"
I couldn't forget my experience of having seen my younger brother passing away in my arms. Couldn't help thinking whether my family members are paying for my bad karma.

" 就是那麼簡單幾句我辦不到"
Most crucially, couldn't BEAR the departure of my younger brother because I truly love them, all blames to my quiet nature. I just don't say it out, I had to remain okay-looking. But what is it worth when I'm always a failure at expressing my feelings to others.

"People only realise and treasure things which no longer remain with them". This is very true. This philosophy was left deep scars on my heart on occasions of my mum's departure and lost love.

"徒留我孤單　在湖面　成雙"
God has his plans for everything that happens in my life.. I truly wish to understand why have God planned my life in such a way.. I truly do... It is just too difficult for me to live my young days without my mummy and brother.. a complete family... Gosh.. I feel so.. deprived of warmth. ;'(



- Chinese lyrics in courtesy of Jay-chou.net

De one with Lonesome Afterall

Falling degrees

It has been a rather bumpy week so far. It's really amazing the fact that it is only tuesday today and I'm already worn out.

Ask me why... it's the busiest period when I feel so pressurized with work pulling my arm and school projects accumulating distress, screaming for my commitment horribly. Oh lord~

When it's dark at night, for the pioneer moments in my life - lonesome dawn itself upon my heart. Nah... they just ain't there. Wanted to have dinner with Clara since my office's a coverable distance from her house. She was out and have her FYP to rush after getting back.

Honey, as usual, didn't pick up. Neither did she bother to return call. Early in the morning, she even suggest I quit my job if I find it too hard to manage.

Mohan's studying. Even if we wish to go out, time doesn't seemed to be within my control.

When I returned home, the entire pack had slept. It was total darkness which welcomed me and of course, not forgetting the inquisitive doggy. At least that was a bit comforting. Else, suppose my heart would have drown.

I guess it's also the depression. What made it worst was the coupling effect from hecticness. Looks like it's never-ending.. and prolonged with no one who truly stay alongside to lend me a shoulder. Bitter bitter life.