De one with Unspoken Memories

Over the brim: 2003 - 2007

"Some say love, it is a river that drowns the tender reed"

Remember the wetness smeared my face, sustained by a painful source filled-within. Remember the weariness and nerve-wrecking tremble when the feeling of losing acid beneath thy skin. Remember the collapse of self-composure, evidenced nothing but triumph of shame.


"Some say love, it is a razor that leaves your soul to bleed"

Staring into blankness as I slouched in bed/couch with visions blurred with chalking liquid. All but numbness. Perhaps that was lost that's un-writtable. The heart-aching songs about breakup (mostly Jay Chou and Ah-mei) played wildly like a jukebox in my head. The scars continues to burn as though it had been fresh-wounded; the taste... of paracetamol lurking at the back of thy throat; and the memorable nausea from E3 and p-Extra.


"Some say love, it is a hunger - an endless aching need"

Visiting the gallery of love-doves ain't easy. One of the 7 sins will cloud thy mind if I fail to take power-naps or stick my nose into a book. Like oxygen to the deprived, the strong desires and never ending grasp for abundance in order to survive.


"I say love, it is a flower. And you, it's only seed"

Like a current aroused... the first pulse after resuscitation... the upbeat of the baton before the first beat... the click of the opened lock.. before the rest commence.


"It's the heart, afraid of breaking that never learns to dance"

Felt as if my heart was strucked by that very wane of the Ice Queen from Narnia. A heart like marsh-mellows suddenly frozen with the touch of an Antarctica breeze. Words likes : I don't know if I can do this.. You're sweet and nice person to be with.. it's just.. well, I'm not really seeking a relationship at this moment in time. After you know, my past encounters of disappointment" surfaced even though I knew it'd break that person's heart and letting that person go through the agony which I loathed.

Dilemma, afraid, uncertainty, doubts and submerging faith.


"It's the dream, afraid of waking that never takes the chance"

Staying status quo. That's what everybody wants. Of all, between you and me, I want. I was so clouded it failed to allow me to realise the significant support and love of people who cared most for us in the long run... or someone, the perfect fit.


"It's the one who won't be taken, who cannot seem to give"

Recall someone I showered with gifts and efforts but never show any appreciation nor give anything in return. All those smiles were heart-contenting. Folly me was too over-smittened I never realise, that person's heart wasn't with me. Hence..


"And the soul afraid of dying that never learns to live"

Fearing what could happen even before I allow myself to start. IT IS SCARY and that's nothing I could do.


"When the night has been too lonely and the road has been too long"

Travelling back from work. On board the 40 minutes bus journey. Sobs to the music...
Don't even dare to cry. It's gonna be embarrassing. It's so pathetic and miserable.

"And you think that love is only for the lucky and the strong"

The confident, the charming and the popular are the rightful owners of love. Not me. Not me.


"Just remember, in the winter far beneath the bitter snows"

Adam Smith was right. There's a guiding hand to almost eveyrthing in life. I derived a alternative view to religion. It's a believe that possibly guides you to something.


"Lies the seed, that with the sun's love in the spring, becomes the rose"


Blog it, lock it and throw the key away. Goodbye, sad memories.

* Picture in courtesy of ACP.

De one with Bull-Mad!

Fuming Sunday

Early morning I accompanied my granny to the community centre for this luncheon event which she had been asked to join during her weekly senior citizens' gathering at the void-decks earlier. Everything was fine, i got some time to spend while sending her safety despite the hot sun wasn't friendly. Then, the drama unfold when we arrived.

You see, they never specify or send out any notification pamplets to inform these senior citizens to bring along their ICs for verification purpose. The bloody counter-"statues" (these aunties who obviously have not been trained) keep insisting we produce the IC and keeps denying release of the entrance ticket for my granny. I kept my cool and suggested my granny's name was on that list they have and verification could be done alternatively through verbal verification. What's so difficult? Denied again.

All the rage burst out, I never knew I was so angry until I heard the table banged. It was the sound of my fist landing on the table as I demanded they tell me who the organiser was. Then all I heard was my voice loud as thunder. My first priority was to get my granny into the hall, so I thought it'd wouldn't help arguing with them, left with no choice, I told my granny I'll go back to fetch her IC. As I left in fury, echoes of words threaded behind me as I chanted "I"M GOING TO COMPLAIN ABOUT THEM!" together with the furious soul in my mind.

I got back, grabbed my granny's IC, together with a marker and a piece of paper which I intend to write down the counter-fool's (may Judas bless her family and future generations) name. Those haggs ought to be grateful to my granny who got me to cease all these troubles I'm gonna cause.

Apparently that didn't quench my angry. I headed home, took a cold bath to wash off my perspiration before I set down, looked up ST, websites for all the emails I could get to shoot my complaints about the disappointing encounters earlier.

Obviously this was atrocity. Never had I ever loose my cool before in public. Blood old and cocky hags who thinks they are in-charge just because they hold some name list and have the tickets. It's such a disgrace to those organisers who got these incompetent people to do the job. Social-well being programmes for the senior citizens and your staff turn away these elderly people, demanding them to go back to bring their ICs. Their rude attitude. Man.. These are old people we are talking about. You expect them to travel back and forth for some stupid lunch while you sit comfortably at the counters? Thank goodness I was there with my granny, else what would she have done?

While I was there I observed an old lady who brought her IC but just because her name wasn't on the list (I presumed she must have been here because of some verbal arrangement with her peers). And she was rejected flat and shunned away by the counter-hags! What's this?

Social failure! Sponsors, donors and taxpayers are funding such flopped programmes? You've gotta be kidding!!

De one with HMD

Dedicated to one of the person I loved the most

Happy mother's day Mummy. My love and appreciation for you will continue, growing year after year as I age. I just wished you were here to read these words yourself.

With luv from your son,
Ja

De one with Spaces (OVA)

"Maybe.. it's all disappointment", these words echoed through the skull like a weakening banshee shriek. At this moment, the bloodcells fluttered away. The angel stuffed clouds into his microscopic eyes and crouched himself into the cave of my right ear. The devil hung upside-down within my left armpit. Its red-glowing tail wrapped his fork to free his arms, now cupped tightly around his mischieviously pointed ears.

Although great, the impact of noise pollution on the closest audience were minimal. All Jasons were too moody to be affected. Some buried their heads in their hands. Some sulking in a corner, being emo. The rest were staring blankly at each other or looking at the thalamus who just delivered the notion.

The 2 seconds of silence after the dissipation of sound got Jasons to smile and nod their heads to contemplate agreement. All but one who made himself within thoughts in an instance. "Hold up!" he spoke with firm but pleasant voice. Everybody looked at him.

Cool was the obvious word to describe this stranger who had advocated the notion. The lips parted in anticipation, like that of a superstar taking a half-beat breathe before hitting the next beat. And he spoke again.. "Why are you feeling sorry for yourself again. It is a sign of weakness - letting down the glittering skin in response to a declining level of self-security. Things ain't so bad. If there are spaces in your life, I'll fill them up for you."

He allowed a plause as though to substantiate the power of his statement before he continued.. "It doesn't matter if life's working out for you. What's important is how you deal with it which you know you could, with/without other's approval. You are capable of employing strength to withstand all these nonsensibility."

"By law of Science, one can't fly without wings. Even if a human have wings, he wouldn't be able to fly. In the name of Imagination, you have a halo and a burning heart. These are two pocessions you need to keep you going. Things might be grey but the silver..no... the platinum lining will appear and you will make it appear. Just give yourself time and calm down abit to help you concentrate and better understand what's before you."

"You are made for this, Jason. I know you best. You are special in a way", he affirmed with a eye-wink and "V" hand gesture.

De one with Spaces

Reading a book without words;
Run a cracked road without shoes;
Draw without materials;

Songs without lyrics;
Air without oxygen;
Night without lights;

"Everybody's looking for that something
One thing that makes it all complete"

Jason's definately not flying without wings.

Maybe.. it's disappointment. All in favour? Jasons smile and agreed.

De one with How Could I Be So Stupid

Halfwitted!

How could I be so stupid? I actually made such a silly careless mistake in my taxation paper. Faint! It's gonna cause me 25marks. Out of a total of 70 marks! Sigh.. No use being optimistic now. What a great price to pay to learn the lesson of not being careless.

x'(

De one with GraciouSinapore

Bird's eye view or not

Hardly got the time to read news papers since I hadn't got much time to care about my appearance. Surprisingly, this news article in Sunday Times Life pulled my attention as naturally as though there was an unavoidable electromagnetic force. And I felt there was something to blog about.

This interesting article, maybe within expectation and has low "informational content" to some, revolved around recent criticisms toward Singaporeans, pin-pointing none other than their virtues of graciousness.

In my opinion, since the criticisms were generalised, I honestly feel the general lot of us are not as bad as what others are perceived about us.

It is a fact that Singaporeans are not expressively-demonstrating how or what a few are expecting of us (due to their past experience/encounters at their hometowns, backgrounds) or others commenting for the sake of doing so. Well, that's primarily because our early generations are guarded with strict obeservations of chinese cultures. But, thing is, we do not have any regulations on "graciousness" or was it a line in the "mantra".

If I ever have the chance to meet her, I'd have told her, "Please, honestly, I don't think you have the looks which most customers would require your service. Perhaps its your half-past-six attitude which customers wanna avoid you."

In respect to the above, the crucial part is to ellaborate on the differences between "salesperson", "sales assistant" and a "service-provider".

The first can be performed by any Tom, Dick and Henry or Jane, Lily or Mary. He/she is someone who has engage anybody who brings a foot into the shop and they have an infallible attitude that it's "gracious" to welcome and tag around the customer like scrotch-tape, and because of this, they expect the customers to react to such displeasing service.

"Sales assistant" are the objective role of anybody in the sales industry. They provide assistance only when the customers acquire implyingly or vocally expressed. They do what's within their duty of service. They still greet when the customers patron the shop but they establish respect for customers, maintaining distance from the customers so as not to perturb the customers in their browsing period.

Finally, the most adored are "service provider" (*slap slap, not talking about redlight or pornstars), these are sales assistants who go beyond the expected responsibilities of their jobs. They obeserve and understand their customer prior having their attitude and knowledge are efficiently employed to gain customers' trust, allowing for service values.

I shop alot. Greetings are ok. I always smile in acknowledgement and give a slight nod to show modesty. I don't like "salesperson" hawking around as though I am a prey. It irritates me when I'm browsing. The ace mistake is salespersons fail to give customers browsing time which otherwise led to their buying decisions after certain period of consideration. When you "bite" your customers, your pressence as a stranger perturbs your customers and it causes them discomfort and spoils their shopping. The next flaw is when I try to get attention and you fail to meet. That means you're not fulfiling basic responsibility. Of course, it's forgivable when there's more than 4 customers. But anywhere less than that, you're a goner man.

There are occassions when customers like to "ga ki lai" (self-service in Hokkien). Respect the customers. Service providers don't criticise about customers' attitude. Even uneducated cab-drivers don't think that of passengers. So I think the girl who feedback in the newspaper, I bet there's nobody around and you "bite" the customers. You fail to recognised the customer's browsing. Or you're just not professional enough to recognise the customer and complaining (no.. more like whinning) like Singaporean of "low tolerance".

Not refering to current affairs and legitimate world news, press are the inevitable culprit. They do selective publishing of surveys they obtain. Anyway, I've studied perceptive behaviours and social accounting. Both share a flawed that their empirical studies are often limited. The way article are phrases and headlined play tricks on the reader's heuristics. Here', let me share anchoring and changing heuristics. It primarily states that decision makers often based on first/initial impression and only make little adjustments with subsequent readings/materials pertaining to the same topic. Not only does the reader get attracted to read an article due to the large and bold-printed headlines, it often creates a first impression in their minds. Jackie Chan didn't specifically say "Singaporeans do not have self-respect (completely)". He meant "Singaporeans are do not possess enough self-respect." Not having and not having enough are two different thing. Readers are sensitive towards such inarticulated reporting. Remember, what you write/say has an impact on others. The responsible thing here is to question ourselves the consequences of releasing what we want to say, without compromising our freedom of speech. Generalisation are for immature arguist only.

There's nothing wrong with what Jackie Chan said. I personally feel he did not comment. That guy's merely raising an off-hand example to deliver what he's trying to say about Chinese. Well.. that guy's wrong in his example too la. We all know banning chewing gum is totally irrelevant to issue of self-respect. The government banned chewing gum because it was an environmental problem. And that led to successful "Clean and Green Singapore" campaign.

It is true Singapore is a government-regulated. I think Jack Neo's films have shown it all. What I need to comment is without regulations, there's gonna be greater disparity, more political frauds and less insecurity as compared to you-know-whom-I'm-talking-about. There was a comment about us living in a spoilt society. Think about it, certain regulations have affected us to be like this.

We are gracious (we have four races living together, what do other countries have). Just not polite enough if we compare ourselves to the Japanese. This is an inevitable fate as the nation continues to indulge itself to constant role-perceptions and deemed-standards under influence from world politics and international competitiveness, without considering cultural awareness. Like I said, there are no laws written in social-contract, double-laws, bible or mantra punishing people for deemed-ungraciousness. I don't think it is even mentioned in the Codex Gigas.

Relating back to the article, I do agree with a few comments therein about being "a matured-society". One of the gracious way is to keep our minds open and embrace any good or bad comments in the best way we can. We won't wanna take on a cynical countryman criticism, don't we.

De one with Twins

Wish upon a star

People think I'm being absurd when I mention how it'd be like if I ever had a twin brother. More than usual, their replies synchronise with those of my family members', implying somewhere along the line "goodness, having you alone is enough. Another would be un-manageable." I pondered over this sometime in my life. Till date, it's amusing and regretful as I haven't got a clear reason to justify these comments. Couldn't bother asking or getting further feedbacks. Nevertheless, gut feeling tells me most probably the reasons were derived from my intolerable temper; particularly fussy/articulatedly-picky; extravagent spender!

Hmm.. *hand on my chin* I supposed there are so much interesting issues to talk about him. Let's start with the first crucial issue - his name. My chinese name was given by a Priest (bet you guess never know this right..). "Jason" was bestowed by Daddy. "Jimson" is my late younger brother's name. So here we see a similarity of having our christian/nickname (since we are not baptised or pleaged Christians) starting with "J" and ending with "son". The third generations of my family observes a practice of starting names with "J".

Considering the above, my twin brother might have been named either Jackson/Jenson. Don't you agree Jack and Jason kinda go along pretty well? The former is traditionally deviated from "John" which means "God is grecious". The latter means "Lord's salvation". How about Johnson - too overrated and commercialised. His chinese name.. let's see.. might be Yong Wen. That's the initial name my late Mummy wanted for me. She wanted me to excel academically. Guess my twin brother can do that.

Settled with the name, what kinda character and personality my twin brother would possess? There might be a chance that he could be out-going, outspoken yet well behaved and more intelligent compared to me - An opposite image of me although we might look exactly the same. These assumptions are drawn from my late brother who's somewhat like I've described above. Speaking of other qualitative characteristic like thriftiness, I suppose he might be superior. He better be! *Lightbulb blink* That might be a reason why the Priest gave me a name to suppress my spendthrift ignorance.

Similarities? Apart from looks (arha! that attributes two vain boys yes.. the angel and devil on my shoulders share the same view that our vanity will remain *smuggle*), I think we would be pretty competitive in whatever we do in life, being left-handed and our interests in art may be the same too! Arty-tacky is an attribution of Mummy's genes. Finally, discipline and kindness will remain too mainly due to the same family upbringing we received.

What about giving thought to how my twin brother will affect my life? I'd most likely have more accompany without having to fret over not having someone who better understand me and get along with without any conflicts in almost everything. I watched national geographic about this possible, sophisticated telepathic experiences between twins. It's amazing when one of them feels something, the other will have the same experience too. We could have shared so much things, ranging from clothings, toys, maybe some common interests. Or enjoy confusing others with our lookalike-ness. Hehe. Or better, the knowledge each of us attained!

I always have a silly thought that in the event I was in trouble with chinese examinations., my brother could sit the paper for me. Of course, it's foolish having considered both of us are most likely taking the same paper at the same time. We'd most probably attend the same school so we could have each other's accompany to counter the complex-inferiority on first day of school.

Also, I mean, think about it. Everything I spent on now would have been better and economically utilised through double usability, duo-value due to the existence of my twin brother. Haha.

Our future prospects might converge. We could have both studied accountancy, obtain CPA and establish a Firm together. Wuao. Pretty cool huh.

Most importantly, we would have each other's console, look out for each other through thick and thin. I find that nobody would understand me better than my twin brother. Moreover, family ties are strongest in times of departures. Having a twin brother would be a dream come true!

De one with Fallible J

Blindness blank

Seemed to have lost all work capability. It is apparent my meticulous and careful nature had desolated me. Someone criticized I was shrugging my responsibility, with bleak cold-bloodiness. I know, it's all evident in the work I produce. All because of utter annoyance. I just couldn't help myself amplifying the effects of such criticism.

Perhaps I was overwhelmed with so much to clear. And I only had one day. It was unfair. I wanted very much to console myself that my work was tendered punctual. Unfortunately it was delayed, neglected in favour of the others. These were simply out of my control.

I hate myself.. for being too tolerate and soft-spoken. Ya, go ahead and call me a wimp/total pushover. Moreover, I am unqualified. What a loser I've been all these while.

Maybe what's said from the beginning of my career was right. I shouldn't waste both my time and that of others. It spiraled in my mind as though eventing a ritual procession psychotically. Resembling voices around flame-engulfed campfire, raging a chaotic frenzy, threatening my sanity.

Guys don't cry. But I'm different. It didn't take very long on my way across the overhead bridge before I touched my eyes and felt the moist smeared on my fingers.

De one with When?

Quand? Quando? いつ? 何时? 빨리? cuándo?

When will it happen to me? How many times must I face these difficult period of waiting for it...

The signs are growing, thy patience is wearing, the click is ticking...

A frantic person, all battled and scarred, rushed and collapsed on the blinding, bitter-cold snow patch. Tears streaming down as he looked up into the light, his trembling hands clutched tightly to his bare chest.

No whimpering sounds. Only silence and the exceptional doves flopping away. Some of these creatures pecked to taste the saltwater and took flight. Others flew away with its companion. The remaining looked from shadowed spots, frightened, else ignorant of a familiar melody.

The poor, miserable questioning heartbeat which screamed for something which never reached the attention of the passerby. Fear had consumed his courage to expose the song of yearning. As he reached, a brave, enviable gesture thus far...

There were still no response.. as the orphan's breathe painting depletion, together with his scent of forbidden longing.

De one with Sins

*WARNING*

The following may contain materials which may cause indifference of opinion and/or discomfort to some groups of people. Please note that any references, descriptions, mere opinions or comments have been mentioned solely for leisure reading and were without the intent to mean any offense or fraudulent representation or misleading purpose. Readers who are/or may be affected by religious matters are strongly advised not to proceed read anything after this warning message. In any circumstances, the blogger and/or the blog-administrating corporation are/is not liable for any effects or equivalent derived from abuse/mis-comprehension of contents of this blog entry.

Judgment day

I have always keep my lips together and smile as far as religious conviction and associated matters are of concern. Reason for such reaction is not that I'm an atheist, it's partly due to my insufficient convictions or proactive knowledge of religion to argue my beliefs. Most importantly, I love to maintain my adventure of experiencing the diversity offered by different cultures and traditions.

Just today, some Christians from "some church" were going door-to-door, distributing pampers. Without me stating the obvious, it's certainly another way of "spreading beliefs". Anyway, I noticed it's a hot story going around town. Don't know if you have heard it or perhaps in my case, my boss actually shown us in video. It's about making the people realise that they have sinned. And God hath sent Jesus to purge or atone our sins.

If I didn't interpret wrongly, the important thing here is to encourage us to realise the sacrifices Jesus has done, and the best way to acknowledge this is to accept God into our hearts. I deciphered much was achieved through creating self-awareness of the unethical and/or immoral behavior and even thoughts (!) within us. And reminding us that such "sins" might subject us to a judgment day. I even read from the pamplet, words in an illustrating diagram of "sins" which includes "envy", "proud"... it occurred to me, are these abit too extreme?

Not scrutinishing words in a diagram or being ignorant, personally I feel thoughts are okay unless you act in a way which harms/affect the other party. Isn't it a privilege to have privacy in our minds, without being worried that what we spoke in our minds might condemn us? Of course, it might be argued that it's thumbs-up for the purest of mind. However, its that practical?

And definitely, it's perfectly fine to be proud of our achievements. Just be careful not to go overboard to cause annoyance to others. In addition, enviousness reminds and focus us to what we do not have/lack, such that we will seek to improve. Isn't that the effect caused by the recent advertisement on foreign-students being able to speak Mandarin?

Next ambiguous issue is whether there are other alternatives to acknowledge the greatness of God? I recalled watching the Ten Commandments when I was in Primary 4 and there was the scene when Moses came back with the craved stones and the Gods punished those who worshipped the Golden Ox of their own. And kinda derived a certainty to the opening question - as long as we live and let live, I think it's another legitimate acknowledgment via respect for his creations, don't you agree?

Maybe the Christians might have found now to be the most appropriate time to spread the gospel word ba.. considering people are discouraged by the prevailing economic ordeal, it might very well give them time to reflect on their life decisions. In the midst, the opinion of believing in the wonders of the Lord to calm tension don't seemed unappealing.

Lastly, is there really a judgment day when we will have to answer for our accumulative sins? Before this, how shall we address the equitable definition of "sins"? Ok, the creator have the right to judge us. He's omnipresent, that accounts that he has the ability to spare time for everybody for each judgment. But is it certain that the after-life is only hell and heaven, and that it is inevitable for a judgment day to decide where the departed belong to?

I will never forget the discussions I have with certain believers who knock on our door. (Well, mainly because I got to learnt of Jehovah.. God is just his "celebrity" nick?). There were two who shared with me this ending phrase in the Bible which mentioned that the end product of the world is a guranteed paradise for all. If so, will we still expect the pressence of hell? Did the fallen angel turn over a new leaf? If all these will occurr, does that render all existing judgment day analogy meaningless?

Surely, there are alot to be discovered, if not, better left with open options...

De one with Impact of The Tongues

Honest morning

It doesn't seemed appropriate but I left to meet Loo Wan and Clara for dinner without finishing my revision for Accounting Theory. It was the guy's last day of exam. Argh, as much as I'm happy for his finished ordeal, I couldn't help pitying the approaching exams. Well, I believe everybody has his own share of burden (his agony started earlier).

We had our fill at Sakae. Little did I know my membership card had accumulated over $26+ to be redeemed, saving us from footing a quarter of our initial $74+ bill. Wuao! Disappointing thing was I wanted to ignore my dinner-mates' reimbursement, Clara insisted on-dutch.

Not only that, my pre-empt plan of not staying over wee hours seemed to be gone with the wind when the three of us "parked our butts" in the comfortable sofa seats at Starbucks. Loo had his latte, Clara: Over-the-top-sweet mango ice blended and ice passion tea for myself. Of course, coffee chats couldn't dispense getting good-old-cheese cakes. In case you were wondering why there's no pictures. I couldn't be bothered to take any. Haha. Gimme a break from my exams prep!

Good and bad thing Loo got his attachment abroad. Good was he got the chance to do overseas intern - something he was really looking forward to. Bad was the collapse of our overseas trip in August - an ardent activity when we first projected in our last dinner.

We conversed about friends too. Ok, there was abit of harmless bitching but important thing I got out of the conversation was what we say does influence other's perception/opinion about another third party. So much for the power of tongues whacking. Omg. Like I told Loo, why should we involve ourselves into the affairs of others which obviously doesn't have any relationship to our friendship, and let any emotions/understanding aroused from this involvement cloud our perception of that particular friend of ours.

Perhaps one of the reason might be human nature. We are inquisitive creatures, always interested other people's lives' events and derive an impression on others. This impression is not permanent (although some might be) depending not only on our direct dealing but also what we hear of/read/gossip about that person and his/her relationship with others. Weird huh.. which is why paparazzi and those "ba gua" ("gossip"/entertainment in mandarin) magazines reporters have their ricebowls.

Hmm.. do we lack objectivity or what most of us did (as mentioned earlier) is being objective. Personally, I rather believe in my relationship with that person. Whatever people tells me about that person, considerations comes with benefit of doubt granted until proven. It's just injustifiable until personal encounters occur.

Too good, so true.. impact of the tongues is a still an existing lethal propaganda which greatly influence human perceptions.

De one with Truly Want

Dearest all

I don't have to be religious to be able to what I am going to say. Promise there isn't any snobbishness what I represent this. I recall it's every teacher's question to ask his/her pupils, at one moment of their teaching stint - "What I want to be?"

Back then, the first thing we could related to - ambition. Primarily the only thing we could comprehend due to our limited knowledge of life. Or perhaps, susceptible to the materialistic influence of adults. Finally, I have an answer to this question:

I want to be.. a person who gives all the love to every person I know;
I would have provided all the company and encouragement to my friends;
Reserved all the kindness my thoughts could offer and extend to the strangers around;
And undoubtedly, my money to my family.

I want to be.. a person with a heart that's emptied to give
Until there's only a single drop of blood concentrated with the purest of love
And stake my spirit to guard in peace,
For that special someone who meant so much to me.

I want to be.. a person to all but ask for nothing in return
Except to have the stars remember thy name,
For a zillion but one cause,
That is for my mother and brother
Forever proud of having me
As a son and as a brother.

De one with Tough Week

Building stressful momentum

It is a tough week. Most of the time, feeling nothing except adrenaline of wanting to complete the ever-piling work load. Not really bugged by helping others out. I mean I love to help. Of course, there's nothing without a price, I had to face more stress. Perhaps that's what the hero in us does - doing the extraordinary seeming impossible for the ordinary. Lame sh*t.

Behind that calm face, I actually felt the tremendous opposite. Not largely because of sharing the burden belonging to others but the crushed, oppressive time-factor. I feel suffocated man. There were moments the tears brimmed to the escape at the ends of my eye. I never tell anyone, just wearing a smile with my teeth cinched, in order to conceal and contain the uncomfortably miserable moods inside.

No use whining, only dealing. Tough week ahead, ain't no stopping.

Thanks to my dear friends who have detected my embarrassing chaotic self and encouraged me through this ordeal. Your goodwill forever marked on the surface of my heart.

De one with Perception Discrepancy

Blur day

The most feared and irritating thing is having people developing the wrong impression of you and the stuff which you do when you do not have the chance to explain. Yes. Especially when it comes to work or anything that relates to any dealings with a third party.

I do give the benefit of doubt that I may have been over-sensitive or was it me who misinterpreted what Gabriel tried to say. Most of the evening, my demoralised mind kept questioning all the Jasons in me, convincing myself out of one of my worst fear - the boss thinks you are not performing to expectation.

It annoys me to fail people. Least to mention their expectations of me. It detriments their perception of you, altering their behaviour towards you. Yes, people are narrow-minded by nature. It's how they develop, using all sorts of reasons ranging from karma-consciousness to religion conviction to self-freedom decisions in order to remind them to be alittle open-minded on constant basis. It's sad but true.

Anyway he call me in when I was leaving for school. Darn. The "crunch time"begun with why I am bringing another colleague for stocktake, proceeding into sharing of workload, landed on personal attitude towards jobs till calendar. I got the gees of the monologue-conversation. It's just unbearable not to resist having this feeling that the person is implying that I'm not performing. Especially the moment he repeated: "I wouldn't take a job from a person who's slow in the work." Call me sensitive all you want but I recalled last year end the same was happening to me. And my manager could see I was really suffocating that she removed one assignment from me.

Some jobs I handle looks simple in appearance but alot of problems are discovered post- commencement. Others are tough jobs which require long time. To makes things no better than it should be, clients take very long to help what you require. Which prolongs and delay my progress and I hate it.

Consider myself pretty responsible. I came back on sundays for job completion. For the past two semester, I came back despite I was supposed to be on my study leave to clear the review points. I plan my schedules once I know which assignments I'm supposed to do. I strongly disapprove and disallow any chance for my client to be late or mess up my organised agendas and protect the interest of my company. Turns out, it gets jeopardised because I have to wait for my work to be reviewed even though the job was completed weeks or months ago. Else, client's incooperative or being unreasonable. And end up what? Just for people to think I am not churning out work. Well.. it's like this. Pretty unfortunately isn't it.

Everyday on the bus, I couldn't concentrate on my book. The troubled-mind just drift away, worrisome of my work progress which bears a couple of elements which are outta my control.

If only.. if only I had a guardian angel. What a mockery to even give considerations to this. *slap slap* Wake up from your day-dreaming Ja!

De one with Stop!

All but one wish

Definitely miss the sun. Was at the park in the morning after jogging. As I sat in these "tai chi" squares in the middle of a clear opening, the trees, cowboy grasses and aww.. the unrestrained sunlight, intensifying warmth unto my perspiration-damped skin. Love this feeling. Totally.

Enjoying "sun-kissing" was short lived as I have to drag myself to Immigration Centre to collect my passport. The old one was unbearably unable to be further extended. That leave me no choice but to make the new biometric passport. Damn. The photo therein stung my sight. I look ghostly on page two. Not to mention my hair (super long and messy because I took it on the spot when I brought the passport for extension). Too bad. What else could I do? Most importantly, I had to have a valid passport for my vacation in 3 months' time.

Pissed when I got there. This couple who obviously didn't know what to do at the automated ticketing machine for passport collection. They took 4 minutes to do what I could have done in 10 sec. If you can't be faster than me, then don't cut my queue. Of course, exception to nice children (with parents..erhumm) and worthy elders. Anyway, I maintained my cool.. why should I be mindful of such Earthlings. They are the classic definition of human. In a couple of minutes, got my queue ticket eventually. I plant myself in the row of seats. Everybody were standing , much because they couldn't locate themselves into single seats available between those which clinques have already "ba zhan" (occupying in Mandarin).

Clueless but I did it again, I striked short conversations with my service providers. Like that night I was accustoming myself with the female assistant at R.I., I asked the officier about the prominent crowded and buzzy situation. She explained to me it was majorly due to the approaching holidays. People want to get their passports done. Perhaps I was just being thoughtful. If I were providing a service to others, I'd feel..appreciated and mood-lifted to have my clients asking about me, work affairs.. it places me and the client eye to eye. Which is effective and easier for me give all out to serving them, without influenced from unfamilarity- restrain due to a huge chunk of ice in between us.

I know I shouldn't. But I wanted my Twilight saga to be uniformed. So I made a short trip to Kino, got volume 2 & 3 to replace my current from different publishers, and also for the sake of its membership renewel for two years. Had to wait for the card to be ready (they could deliver it on the spot). Hence, I strolled down to Pok Kim where this stranger was.. you know, "scanning" me. Didn't pay much attention to him. Guess what!? Not the stranger.. I got my Akatsuki Gundam! Ok, it cost almost 140 bucks. It didn't take very long on my way home for jason reminded me I had been splurging again. jAson questioned whether I really needed to re-purchase the books when I already have them . Besides, the stories are gonna be the same regardless. Jason commended it's a waste of money. And.. I started feeling guilty.

To aggreviate my guilt, jaSon unfolded his theory on existence of need for the Akatsuki Gundam expenses. He commented if I had the time and doubted my rememberance on assembling the Gundam. I know.. it's been awhile and I might not have the attentive skills which are needed such that the final product wouldn't be flawed. A war was seriously going on in my head.
However, I knew I had to get home early. No further indugles at shopping. Within 30 mintues, I was out of Bugis and en route home. Relieve ahma was safe at home, showered and ate brunch - my all-time favourite Nasi Lemak bought by Jasmine before she left for work. That crazy workaholic. Omg.

Proud of myself for my discipline that enable me to face the challenge of disseminating all the directives for my tax project to my teammates. Complete my review of my their work for assignment I from 3 to 6:30 pm before clicking the send button for forwarding . There were quite a far bit of amendments. I actually redo and amend my friends' work. Out of respect, I didn't delete his work, something which I'd think it'd be very hurtful to him. So I inserted my paragraphs under the original and ask him to see if he was agreeable and execute the "slashing" himself.

Throughout the week, I read my books whenever I could. On my way home onboard the bus or waiting in a queue or before my eyes become too heavy. Thank goodness I managed to complete nearly half the book inspite of my saturated schedule. Phew..

It's very tiring in fact. At the end of the day, I told a friend that I feel exhausted. He asked why. I replied thinking itself is tiring. Living a life figuring out a solution for everything is tiring. He lectured.. the ability to think is what makes us human. Else we're unlikely any different from animals. "Then I rather be an animal" I snapped.

He isn't wrong. And probably I complicated my thoughts which I described as a thousand swivelling pieces of mirrors, glistering when it tilted against some light as they descend like confetti. And I thought, it's worse when time as though a compressing trap, devoiding the spaces around me, crashing into me fro all directions visible. Even thinking why I feel this way weighs a tonne in my head.

Even worst when you know you shouldn't trouble anyone. Partly I'm aware it's gonna bother people to pay attention to me. Moreover, I hate to explain myself again. Not unappreciative but no one manages to strike the correct questions or words to assure care and calmness without anything requiring me to respond. And yes, people always think i'm ok. I am too egotistic and introvert to admit anything wrong within me.

Recalled sharing my piece with a friend who put me down, suggesting I ought to seek pyschiatrist. .WtF Just listen to me, damnit.

All Jasons in me resolved I should pat my butt and continue with my life. Just pausing abit for now eh.

Before I conclude this blog, there's something I wish to clarify. I am totally hateful being misunderstood. "Jasons" herein are not imaginery friends or patterns of psychoticism. They are merely worded-gimmicks to make my blog interesting, amusing and partly, to excuse myself from not making the right decisions lor hor. As a reader, you shouldn't think too much!!

De one with Endlessly

Mad-rush

Doesn't seem to slow nor show any symptom of cessation. Am referring to the piling projects. Group projects - Headache-constructive and pressurising. I know I owe my project mates a responsibility. However certain time I just wish to have a chance to breathe (which is obviously deprived).

Today I kinda managed to stabilise my workload. Most probably gotta go back to office to have some "time-forward" to clean my schedule for next week.

Plus now my aunt and "Mountain tortoise" (my uncle) went for their one week trip to Korea. That leaves my granny all alone at home with the dog. Very worried. Jasmine's working till very late. I had no choice but to return home at the earliest time work permits. Even skipped my favourite audit class tonight. Ah ma more important. The least I want is to arrive home to be informed of unfortunate events happening to any of my family members. Bad experiences and memories are enough. One more will kill me.

Work on weekdays, lectures some days.. projects on weekends. Man.. gotta get a life!

De one with Beat

Rewind

Man, you guys should try the latest Burberry's Beat for men. It's freaking awesome. Looks like.. no offence to all Burberry's fans but they seemed to have realised the wonder-scent of Japanese fragrances (well.. all i know of is Zenzo).. It's smelling spicy herbs yet has the aroma of nectar - an explicit scent of metrosexualitian. Optimium blend. Try it. Get one now!

Back to another episode of Jason's life. Haha. The wise people says when one has premonition or signs of their death, they tend to have a longing for their past. Beats me but that's precisely what I am going through now.

As if an unconscious part of me is awaken, yearning for stuff from the past. Stuff such as food I ate, things I used to have and a constant inner-desire for things to be restored to its original state. Dying my hair was a century appearance; Re-watch the entire Gundam series; Become less concerned as if I live in my world; Listen to familiar music; Recall my drumming techniques. All of these envisioned clear in my head, surfacing now and then for attention. Good thing, I slowed down and paid attention to it.

That aside, I realise my hyper-sensitivity is back. No, not mentioning about emo and any of that sort. Just some exceptional heightened sense of hearing or sensing things before it happen. Sometimes I can even smell the metallic and thickness-stench of blood when I bled from a minor cut. I don't know, perhaps karma is improving?

Figured, it doesn't mean I have to go out all the time. Like always, I attempt to efficient my time to the fullest. I got a shirt from R.I., more beat to put in my bag, biotherm products. It's normal.

One of my colleague is expecting her last day tomorrow. Oh well.. it's unbearable but people have their plans. That reminds me of what I've learnt: You've just gotta respect other people's decisions. Live and let live too.

Dinner occurred specially at Bosses, Vivocity. I hate reforming back to my old introvert self.. back to suffering from "socio-incohensive" sydrome. Oh well, I left after dinner while they continued desserts at Hagen Daaz. I knew I had to go home early because I fear something might happen to ahma who's like all alone at home. In addition, with knowledge that Jasmine wouldn't be home due to work. Responsibility over social-participation. I'm glad I am able to do the right things.

Alright, so much so for now. Goodnight. *confident smile*

De one with Obessive Poison

Passion Day

No one truly understands about my decisions. Not even myself. Certain decisions are made mostly on intuition. Others, because i had prior knowledge or it's the right thing to do. Some.. are just plain spiteful-intended. None... compared to decisions made based entire on passion. Others would criticize or describe this phenomenon as "impulsive shopping". I see it as an "obsessive poison".

What I did? I bought the entire collection of Stephenie Meyer's Twilight saga. It's crazy. 4 books. Coming to over 80 bucks. Personally feel it was worth it. The first time D told me it was a piece-worth reading, I didn't gave much attention until recently I watched the movie and came to know of its beautiful story. No, it wasn't the Goth settings or bloody vampires. It was..well, partly because of the multiple fascinating super power involved.. perhaps the characters. Mainly.. was because it's a fantasy-romance. Not acquainted with Nora Roberts but we're talking about someone who provides care to another unconditionally. The other, being protected and defying conformity with norms. It's someone WE care about and seek. It doesn't come by easily.. so read lor..

I better know I ought to delay the reading till after my affair with Candace Bushnell. Guess I can read both books concurrently before my passion for the latest become obsoleted.

Err.. that's what happen to Harry. Oh dear. I have the entire collection, mostly touched by my Mummy only. Recall I finished 2 of Harrys during my secondary school holidays when I took Jimson to school and waited for his afternoon release. However, I re-discovered as I grew, that I love reading when I had the time. Taking long bus rides, listening to music and watching home videos was stage 1. Reading... is stage 2 "peace-time" activities.

Perhaps I have always been a notoriously defiant guy under this baby-face and soft-spokeness. Which attracts me to books of such content.

I like to see and experience things myself to understand the situation myself. Today, I searched 4 departmental stores in order to make cologne purchase. Weird huh., go through such agonizing encounter just for 3 bottles of fragrances. 2 from Kenzo, the other from Burberry. Nice. Not much citrus fragrances this spring/summer. Just... subtle ester of refreshing herbs. I love summer because it has all these mood-lifting effects from the scent. What more could I ask for. It's spring.summer.

I also discovered it's still no good to speak my mind. A friend I cared about recently received unpleasant comments. A day after, I thought about how your words may have impact on others. Complements are alright. It's otherwise for criticism. Of course, many of us would just say and forget it, not bothering further to consider how the receipient feels or not. Perhaps I care too much. Perhaps I shouldn't. How ironic. I'll be damned if I said it, damned if I don't.

So jason feels Jason should keep quiet and jasoN's asking Jason to poke his nose into the two books more. All JASONs alert, keep quiet!

De one with Departure おくりびと ,Okuribito

"Your last purchase and someone elses choose for you"

Watched this touching, tear-rousing movie with a dear friend today. I believe you guys have heard or read of the critics and commentaries. No doubts about their comments on this multiple-award winning movie, its good. I give.. a thumbs up!

Other than witnessing how "encoffinment" is done in Japan. I believe the director must have considered alot before producing something so bore and deemed taboo.

Well, the movie wasn't tearful the entire time, it begun with the ceremony, something unexpectedly comical occurred. Actually, I don't what's so funny. Why some people never fail to be jeeringly amused over topics/events associated with transsexual? I mean, their behavior shows nothing more obvious than their low level of open-mindness, immaturity and speaks so much of their shallowness in character. Supposed they have turned themselves into the mockery here.

It appears there's nothing with the film. What puzzled me most was the behavior of the audience around watashi. It occurred to me why people weep when they view the sadness portrayed in the film? Could it be that these roused the resurface of similar experiences and brought forth the grief felt back then? Or quero they have never experienced anything before which explains their only capacity to feel from what they sight?

No tears streamed down my cheeks. I even pondered if I were supposed to cry. Not putting a brave front la. Perhaps I have been through all that's to be felt. However, I must comment that it's very true that the closest family members do not break down until the part when the caretaker closes the coffin or have it incinerated. It's the climax of grief.

With regards to the climax of grief is in the film, personally feel it has to be the last part when Daigo performs the encoffinment on his father and that moment he recollects his memory of the father's face as Daigo touches the corpse's face.

Else, it's amirable of the Japanese respect for one another. They express their apologies with prominent sincerity through gesture and tone of speech. Besides this, i m amazed the Japanese's ceremony are performed with upmost sacrity. I believe if enconfinment practice was adopted in the local Chinese where the family members had to witness the mortician, strongly fear the family members of the departed couldn't take it. It's just too sorrowful. Also, it fails practicability of maintain the departed body in its nature stage without embeming, over customary 3 - 7 days of funeral wake.

Didn't manage to get my Gundam. Instead, Monopoly Here & Now, World Edition got itself charged to my credit card bill. Haha. Fish & Chip for dinner. Accompany of friend. All in a evening well spent.

De one with First Mob

Troublesome Saturday

Think all the Lao Jiao ("Old bird" directly translated in Hokkien, meaning "the experienced"/old-timers) must be laughing when they read this.. I bet in another 10 year's time, very probable I'll be mocking at my blog too.. that's if it still exists.

Early at 9 am, my BSM delivered a unspecified sms. Kockanathan (expressing "blur" in Malay) I called my man and advised them as I thought so, to report directly to the manning unit. Not until ZZ called did I confirm my folly. Oh dear. Aiya, first time mobilisation. Moreover, the initial sms didn't provide clear instructions.

From my understanding, mobilisation or recall manning, is an operation which is used to test the readiness of the nation's servicemen in times of war. Works pretty much like those fire-drills we used to have in schools. Well, no doubt war is unlikely given the nation's involvement in United Nations and excellant peace-making international relationships, it's still essential to prepare to deal with the unexpected.

As mentioned by Republic Poly's principal over a radio telecast, "national service takes precedence over all others". It's due to this your life's organised-activites would have to be disrupted, by law when the nation needs you even in peace-time. Ironic isn't it.

All my plans for a morning jog, haircut, breakfast and starting some work on my project went into puff all because of today's mob. Won't go into details. Nothing much that we do not know that has to be related here.

What is more crucial to discuss about is how mobilisation could have otherwised been conducted. Is it necessary for the activated personnel to report personally to designated venues? Prior to answering the "why" question, let us look at the objective of doing so. Physical reporting evident the pressence of your unit's strength in times of war outbreak. On this, I suggest the Immigration Department could provide its assistance as all residents travelling offshore have to register with them. In additional, active servicemen has to notify the Mindef on their overseas trips. Failure to comply with this requirement is a chargeable offence under the SAF law. A run through of the system can reveal whether the servicemen is physically present mainland.

With the above sustained, online attendence could be put into practice. I mean applying the analogy of online banking. Notwithstanding ignorant person who giveaway their passwords, security dockets to their spouses or even friends, security could be assured with personal logging in. This could be further improved with requirements of webcamming to capture physical pressence and internet firewalls to detect and deter the occurrence of any pre-recorded or mishandled live-conferencing.

Next would be the issue of whether is it necessary for the servicemen to report in their FBO? The underlying reason is to enable physical inspection of the FBO, which is important to ensure that serviceman is equipped with basic tools deemed essential by Mindef. There's an alternative to the current practice - Despatching audit teams assigned to go to the different parts of the area to conduct random physical checks, with prior notified periods appointed definitely (like how they conduct AAI now.

Further to the above, ZZ highlighted possible high transport costs may arise. I think this can be achieved by revising financial budgets which might be bursting on dispensible expenditures when certain old equipments could be used. Such as.. amendments to the uniform per say.

Of course, all the above with fail in the event when there's power failure and the benefit of doubt given to the servicemen's accessibility to the internet/computer with webcams. On the other hand, the current waiting-for-incoorporative late-comers (for most unit) under unfavourable weather and cost of transport (as many take a cab) pose disadvantages too.

I think, not really a problem la.. power failure could be reduced by back up system. Forget about 3G man... let's improvised an efficient and effective system for mobilisation and move on to be 10G servicemen! (Even cellphones have improved from 2.5 megapixels to 8 now!). Not criticising our curent is not good enough coz we see there's an improvement with all this sms-notification, call centre (which kinda ain't functioning well sometimes), but there's room for improvement. Eh, don't think the US army has this yet. Perhaps if we introduced something pioneer, we could be in the lead!

De one with Gundam Models

Past times

The fascinations with Gundam Seed, Gundam Destiny or even Gundam models didn't begin until I reached the age of 20. This was after the prime "age of animation craze" which happened early when I was around 17 - 18.

There's a reason for everything in my life. Figured that would have to be due to a person who influenced me a fair bit. I recalled I was getting this Gundam model as a birthday gift for this friend and I thought, why not develop a collection. The teenager's passion for something born of a momentary interest was too temptingly irresistable. In the next 2 weeks, 4 models were already assembled. Guilty as it cost a bomb, too much within such short time. Then again, all I knew back then was the interest took precedence, worries about Daddy's query could come later. *smile shyly*

Unfortunately, I didn't like collections without pocessing any history or its origin. Hence, I immersed myself into the entire 8 parts of the Gundam Seed anime within the next month. Having better knowledge, choosing the Gundam models became clearer, preferential and satisfying.

In the blink of an eye, the Gundam collection approached 10.

If you'd ask me if the collection was worth it, it certainly was. Why? Assembling of the plastic models revived the joy of doing the same for a fighter plane F16, a sovenir I bought at the Aero-show when I was in Primary 4. School excursion. Coolest arty experience I ever got.

The love for assembling surfaced since my early childhood. I recalled fixing those two-piece airplanes which was made of styrofoam and costs 20cents. Guess the sense of "great" achievement was the intriguing reward a boy could possibly get!

Then came Jurassic magazine which enables me to collect and assemble the bone-structure of a T-Rex. Freaking awesome!

Growing into the twenties doesn't mean these precious past liking for assembling things or "ability to create" something out of other things are eroded. We just move on to more intermediate levels and pretty sure I found likewise in my Gundam collection. It's better when you figure a way to detach the pieces from the stanzas, how and where to apply glue such that it wouldn't appear ugly or imperfect. All these requires coordination and a fair bit of conceptualisation from the blue-prints to the actual stuff in your hands. Brillant challenge.

After completion, I feel a sense of accomplishment having witness how the stanzaful of tiny parts constructed into a visible figurine. Wuao..

Like a lollipop which wouldn't last forever, the passion leaks. On an ocassion I packed the boxes of Gundam into my storeroom disappointed as I didn't have showcases to display my collection, I thought I should step out of my "wasting-money" hobby and move on. And I did! Convinced collections were not like toys, they can be played or throw around in my imagined story-lines. Only purely assembled for exhibition.

Yet recently, the supressed interest set ablazed. Think it won't hurt to get my long-awaited Akatsuki Gundam!!

Ooooo.. I'm gonna get my hands on this some day.

De one with Se-rius-ly

Seriously

If I ever meet Jehovah, I'll tell him of all the things he created in Singapore, the worst and inferior would have been her. Seriously.

If I don't get to meet Jehovah, I'll warn Lucifer of his greatest defeat to a f(€%:~? arch-evil instead of the most-commonly perceived (to his father).

Seriously, people have no idea how detrimental the damages inflicted onto others, with their words of pure selfishness. I have no doubt the worst of all living thing on the planetary system is embodied in this person. Its unquestionable it's back-stabbing words and shameless, malicious woohaa are more treacherous than Lucifer's apple to Adam, deadlier than any Scorpion's telson.

The depth of its lies? Am seriously certain the blackhole is incomparable. F***!

I feel awful, taking all the leaded arrows. All things born of a cause. It's just unfair. Because of the more stupid thing known as contractual obligations. F***

He of all fools, canst take control and claimst all dull on else but himself. Fear not, Karma. Karma will prevail. Se-rius-ly

Seriously, I just don't know why I have to go through such f****** shit. Man, guess all these immature rage for nothing proves I'm a f****** serious loser too.

Seriously. Take control of yourself. Are you immature? No? Then calm down, accept and learn.

Make a choice. Seriously. Make it or you don't. No use complaining. Prove it.

De one with Everybody Has Bad Days

Black-coloured day

A day's work could be summarised by "unpleasant". Early morning I had to rush all the amendments for this stupid report to get it ready for 3pm meeting. The "ong lai" lah.. what else. Early morning I felt nothing but oppression. Okay, I admit my work's not up to standard but what has a guy gotta do when he has three people reviewing his work and all coming at the same time for admendments. I felt like some pawn on the chess set, dispensibly ready to be sacrificed.

Hence, I was really overly stressed. Although I didn't show on my expression, it was so obviously flawed in my work. Godamnit. Then there was alot of commotion in the office's conference room because they were celebrating one of our colleague's belated birthday. I didn't mean to spoil it but I just couldn't mingle with them, I ate very little at the lunch party and pushed myself back for work to get everything ready before 3pm.

Sigh. We were late for meeting by almost 30 mins. Thank goodness the client was patient. During meeting, boss did all the explanation. My role was to efficiently produce the information to him to facilitate his explanation.

Actually, all day I've been suppressing my unhappiness. Didn't get emo because I thought, it's just one of my bad days. Perhaps this is a men's problem, as agonising as a women's "monthly worries."

Wanted to attend lecture but the detrimental effect of work landed me hopping into a cab and making my way to Hilton Hotel to delivery my greetings and hongbao to my men, who's the groom today. (He called to inform me of his wedding and I told him I couldn't make it due to my lecture). He was astonished and overjoyed when he saw me appearing before him.

In attempt to kill all the bitter-cells accumulated for the day, my legs brought me to Tangs where I got spent $200+ on my facial products. And I got myself yet another membership card to my collection! Woohoo.

I couldn't help myself flirting with the Biotherm salesgirl, who cordially brought me to the cashier. Funny.. the cashier inquired if I was local. Did she have to ask? Do I not have a "made in Singapore" appearence?

I surprised my ahma with early return to home. Chatted awhile with her...totally enjoy chatting with her, knowing there might come a time we couldn't do this in future years to come.

Well, I guess everybody has bad days. I'm no exception. Glad i was optimistic to realise how it bounces back for better. *arms behind my neck, kiao kah (put up my feet in Hokkien), wiggling my toes*

De one with Retrolook at Change!

Going backwards

Having finished my load of project work, I shut off my computer and sat down. I loved Sunday afternoon, it's blazing hot outside but just gotta love the heat. Out of nowhere, as if a different Jason in me asked myself, how much I've changed.

At that moment, blank in my mind. Like a rebooted Window's, my memories rewind, conjuring a series of snapshots of the different Jason outlook at certain points in my life. Drama and comical as if sounds, there's no better way to describe this.

The rewind stopped at when I was in primary school. I recall Jason @ 6 was already a fussy boy who's particular with his hair, which was neatly gel and combed to the side in those old-fashion schoolboy look or that shown in Little Nonya. *giggle*. Jeez..I must have looked very hilarious if that image stays till present.

Oh, I forgot to mention my early years I was a skinny chap until I grew chubby after returning from Australia (ate too much bread everyday) during my Pri 5 to Sec 2.. It was a disaster back then.

Big change occurred from Sec 3 onwards. If you have been an obedient reader, you'd have known I exercised 10kg off for someone I was infatuated with back then. Silly folly golly. Hahaha. Anyway, I'm glad, even till today, I did that. In life, nothing ventured nothing gained. Ooo, you must be wondering what's my secret.. Awww.. it's past time la.. I'm sure there are alot of gym packages and health supplements or advices or something that can help.

By the time, I was tan, lean, cutey face, still short but who cares.. funny part was.. nobody could make out whether I was chinese or malay. Haha.

Came JC years, I changed my hairstyle to those in SISPEC..you know, it's crew top except my front had a fritch, my sides and back of the head was botak! Punk right? Remember back then, only me and another student council had this.. airy, ridiculous but cool hairstyle. What else.. ooo, I became an "ambassador" of Billabong. My pencil case (those long, enormous type) and butt-hang backpack were all Billabongs.

Army.. normal la.. I look fitter, young.. I remembered once when I looked myself in the mirror after seven days of fieldcamp, as much as I was stunned, shagged but I simply adored my body back then I tell you. Sun kissed complexion, lean.. a person's most beautiful at 18. No questions about that!

Within my 2.3 years serving NS, I had 5 different hairstyle. Namely, bo-tak (during recruit), "4-3-2-1" (it's actually according to the thickness of the hair as it goes to the top of the head) during SISPEC, David Beckham's pointed hairstyle (during my SGT days) and finally subtle transition-to-Jap hairstyle (the baby stage of my current hairstyle). It was also the period I started wearing cap and polo-shirts. My hair changed its taste from gel, wax to clay. Fussy hair.. haha

Then to university freshman year, slippers, boardshorts, berms and singlets kicked its way into my life. Till date, I have what...12 pairs of slippers in my wardrobe.. mind your jaws.. Haha. Well, I changed from clay to rubber gel cause my hair grew longer, dyed my hair too. It was also a period of TOPMAN model for me.

When I begun work as an auditor, my wardrobe found new "friends" aka executive wears from Domanchi, Litmus Blue and River Island. I traded my sling bags and Philosophy backpack for Ballys, Braun and Agnes B. Belts increased two-fold. Haha, wait till I get my hands on a Dolce and Gabana's. Cost of facial products increased too as I became bolder.

Most importantly, I have changed in character. I recall I was an extremely shy, high-end introvert boy. Through the years, people I meet, friends I've known affluenced and caused me to develop my social skills.. Or should I say.. it took ONE person to land me into what I've became today. With the support of my best, good and close friends, I grew to become what I am.

Did I changed alot? Can assuringly say I did. For better or worst? I think, better I guess. And I only have my parents to thank for my facial features, ah-ma for all the norishing bird-nest since baby till now... and my friends for all your advices and life lessons I've learnt and encountered with your existence.

De one with Dance

Short-lived Saturday

Saturday was lazily passed. Morning woke up late for breakfast. Mostly to blame for yesterday's past-midnight return from work. Shortly after eating, I fell asleep on the sofa, until afternoon when my discipline exercised control (thank goodness!) to get me working on the tax project. Actually I was supposed to start this week. However, office's is too much, by the time I arrived home, i was too tired to start anything except sleep.

The skies begun to tear around delayed my plans for a jog. However, I managed for a quickie but was delayed till seven by my selection of clothes and socks. By the time I dined with Clara, we were left with only 25 minutes before walking to the Esplanade. Humph, all thanks to my lateness, I didn't managed to get my Biotherm product. There goes my face.

Fortunately, the dance performance "Interview with Palace Ghost" was invitingly interesting. It's different, new experience with contemporary art. My first time in fact! I've been to concert, live band performance, plays, piano concert, art galleries, musicals but never a dance performance! It's truly an eye-opener. The dance is mainly set on a mysterious setting. Not errie as it name may sound. Not trying to be a smart Alex but I think dance is about interpretation. It's amazing what the human body can do to express with its movements. Every detail..even a flick of the toe means something.

But I thought the dance wasn't really perfect. Nonetheless, further research reveal the dance reflects the old dance movements and pageantry of the Javanese Court. Like I'd said, interesting right?! There were segments like strings concertos, "Man-breast inchantation", "Painting Cloth with Clouds"... Well, it took alot of effort spent on figuring what the dance were about.

Some cessation of immortality or banishments must have taken place. Else, why'd the Heavens be weeping for such long time. The both of us braved the flooded path at Orchard. To our disappointment, all the shopping malls were closed. No biotherm!.. Heaven must have been weeping for me.

Apparantly, alot occured during the day. I'm just glad weekend isn't as dull as usual. Besides, the stressful week demands this day for recharge.

De one with Screamingly Speaks

Breaking silenceThe Scream by Edvard Munch (1893)

Notwithstanding my usual complaints, people who hang around me had better known I tend to keep quiet while they have rowdy conversations. Especially when we sit around a big table.

There are a number of reasons to this..

1: It's our first time meeting. I guess it is a norm I tend to observe more than having to say something offensive.

2: I'm dead tired.

3: The conversation bores me.

Charles White (1945) >>

Epiphany has its miraculous effect on humans. Consequently, a psychological reaction follows. Effecting some brave, eccentric, out of the norm action. Same with me. Which is why, Jason speaks today.

Work's very slow moving and the day pass like a misty cloud. I feel exposed of my incapabilities at work as Gabriel asked me about UMP and the demoralising pile of reviewed work on my desk. Those chunks of green handwrittings of Gabriel's looks as though they screamed, smearing my thin facial moisturiser and tearing my complexion until it bleed with substance of dismay and bits of the skull reveals, nothing but guilt.

Even at discussion, the junior staff supersedes me in knowledge. I felt like an useless bum. Yes, I'm not afraid to admit (never had trouble being honest about things I don't know), I'm a dumb. Empty headed. And why? Plainly because I'm a himbo.

I'm sensitive. Hence I indulge myself into calming thoughts and self-created philosophies to tame my wild thoughts. I do stuff like jogging, reading, drawing and blogging to concentrate. To feel better. I buy stuff to be in control.

The last thing I have always neglected was to confront this shagged and vacant brain I possess. Now this is the missing link in my incomplete and imperfect life.

I have a naive mind. Regretfully, no innocent but naive. Mostly attributed by the fact that I have grown up in a protected environment. Even till now, people have me under their wings. People don't come to me for help. Even when they do, I couldn't do any much because I'm so.. inadequate. Ha.

Ever tired ambitioning myself with new experiences to challenge and hope it will improve myself. Apparantly, some achieved but not efficient. The rest failed to materialised.

If I'd use one thing to describe how I am now.. it'd be a blank screen. Nothing better than that.

Is this pessimistism? Perhaps. I'm proned. Is there any opportunistic life encounters I may meet to safeguard me from this plunging pit of self-destruction? Can I don't continue to be so stupid?

Too exhausted to think.. -_-''' Perhaps I am badly in need of something to cheer me on

De one with What's Up Saturday?

24 in exactly 6 months' time

What's up with your Saturday? Spending time with your loved ones? Work? Or catching up with colleagues and friends like Clara? Or studying hard like Mohan in Europe? Or playing sports and hockey like Chin Yu? Attended morning seminars like GH and Zhen Ze? Or studying, photo-shooting and drinking starbucks like D?

Aaah, looks like everybody's occupied.. Me? Nothing's up with Saturday except rushing to school in a cab for nothing. Super embarassing. I actually thought lecture starts at 1pm. In fact, it starts an hour later. I was sure of the LT but when I arrive, the students in there and the lecturer were unfamiliar. Panicking, I texted everyone to confirm the LT venue. Not until Darren's reply did I realise my malfunctioned memory and folly! O.M.G.

The entire week I didn't go out. *Mohan!! My shopping buddy!!* Clara back at home since she came back from her disappointing holiday at Langkawi. Despite not having went out, my purchase never seemed to cease. Overjoyed I got myself a new waterbottle - White SIGG! It's one damn handsome bottle. Woohoo! Am sure the rest of the plastic waterbottles will drop dead meeting mine!

Next I got facial products. Kinda doubtful having spent 95 bucks on this latest Biotherm product after reading it's targetted at men over 50. Man.. wasted. Think I'll give it to my Daddy.

What else did I get..lets see... Shhh.. ok, Clara's gonna kill me if she hears this.. a bag polish from Ballys.

Well, think that's it. I have been out at clients place the week before, this week and the next two weeks. And lunches alone has costs me around 200+ this two weeks. Sigh. Even eating at foodcourts easily cost 5-6 bucks.

Since last Wednesday, I developed the phobia of going back to office. Reb asked if I am avoiding boss. I just smiled and said "no la". However, my mind was filled with quesiton marks.

De one with Not Cut Out to Be

Bad day

Today I went back to office to clear my CORCC. Spare some issues and referencing works to be done, it was generally ok. Reb even recommend others to draw reference to the filling up of the audit programme in my file. Rachel (CORCC accounts manager) called me, we had some laughs, brightening my day. Afternoon, my colleague treated us KFC for the baby-angbao we contributed to her. Didn't eat much, in my mind i was thinking of how delayed my schedule was (since I ought to be at my client's place so I could finish what I've planned). Man, I hate wasting my time and being obstructed from what I've organised.

The day stretched till evening. Gabriel ask me into the room and begin the brutal "interrogation" for UMP. It was badly done.

There are alot of issues he pointed out which I should have investigated into but I failed. Followed by a string of questions "Why this, why that" only to arrive at my speechlessness or inflict of oppressed self-confidence. So bad to a degree there were tears filling the brim of my eyes.

He didn't scold me of course. Nevertheless, his questions were enough to crumple my belief that live up to the job. Every time I couldn't answer his factual queries, it further detriments my pride. I didn't have the facts (which I did gather 5 months ago) to defend myself. I knew the delay of my proof of evidences for defence further detriment my ability in the job. And it was so bluntly gave-away in my work. Saddening.

I ever considered if the audit failure is due to me not having brought the issue out earlier as that time, Reb were busy with Lab1. I had no one to turn to. So I had to beared my teeth and did it alone. The next thing I knew, the file went straight into Gab's room for review.

Further to this, the acounting issues were my first time encounters. It's a new client and most of the time, I sepnt alot of effort gathering information which I could possibly get, concentration to tie the usual things. There are certain matters I could sense the problem however I had difficulty collecting info as the documents were long-past.

Then, I shoved all this from my mind, clearing the cloud of excuses and questioned my true capability. Nothing. I cried, in my heart.

Jason knows he ought not and mustn't be emo. I just couldn't deal, hence I have decided to type everything here and abandon these negativities inside here and move on. Perhaps.. I'm not cut out to be what I am doing..

De one with Toasted Sunday

Very warm

Is it global warming aggravated recently? Else why is it so warm today. Literally feels being in an oven-toasted. Mentioning about burning. My entire Sunday afternoon was "toasted" wrapping up COR - CC audit in office.

Yea, you must be wondering why am I slogging so hard for the Company. Let me explain, I wasn't lying about the super tight schedule I'm on. It's just me, my unrest responsibility and wanting to be organised such that my work can be done in the shortest time available. Else, you could just say I'm abit paranoid of becoming a complete mess if I didn't plan/leave everything for the last.

Then again going back to office wasn't as bad as it looks. Was greeted by this calming environment when I returned. Visualize what I saw: Light were embering the office's full length glass windows. White blinds were half-drawn, creating a dimmed, cosy setting. Quietness in the premises, no pressurising vaccum-effect.. the air con breezing. It was superbly tranquil, the light was great.. awwww..

However, work was abit challenging. Had a hard time reading 13 months of meeting minutes in Mandarin and scanning through another 13 months of a different set of meeting minutes (thank goodness it were in english) and make reference to see if they mentioned the same time and what was in my workpaper. Tedious. I have to salute to my preserverence... boi..

Nonetheless, I'm just glad I managed and completed the audit to be sent into Reb's room (as promised).

Tomorrow onwards, another commences. If only I could have a Disneyland visit to feel happy and wand off all the urban worries. Ok, no more "Ifs". Haha. My heart yearns to feel alive!