Hazier than yesterday
Wet dreams.. alot of people would let their imaginations run wild whenever this two words are mentioned. True enough for some, it's rather sensitive and embarrassing. Well, today''s topic is about wet dreams.. To those who are more open and biting their lower lips, read on... hehe omg.
"What?" would be the very first and crucial question to ask. Well.. I ain't gonna tell you what I dreamt about in my wet dreams. Haha.. Oops. However, of course it's gotta be obviously something that's coinciding with our deepest fantasies.
Personally, I didn't know the existence of "wet dream" until secondary 3 when I read about a chinese book (translated) The diary of a teenage boy. And of course, communication with my "filled with hormones" mate classmates! Well, *blushing* but hey, back than they only mention that we will have sexual dreams and the next morning, you'll wet your bed.
Hmmm.. vid idea. It didn't that me until I experienced it personally and confirmed as I grew older that "wet dream" was about having orgasm when you have exotic dreams. It's the cumming during subconscious state of mind. That's what's "wet dreams" all about.
I remember during army, my gunners keep asking me all these personal stuff during our out-field exercise. Part of so to know me better since I hardly talk much. Part of so, they enjoy making me embarrassed. I remembered this particular night, they were talking with this officer and he told them "You have wet dreams because you hardly masturbate".. Is it true?
What comes next is the response. Hearsay that some people wake up shortly after they cummed. True enough, most of us will feel shock. Then curiousity. After which embarrassment will follow. This is for the norm of cause. Least those who have knowledge of it previously. The feeling? Eeeekk.. I believe most of us will agree, it's uncomfortable and to a certain extent.. messy(?).
Of course, after adaptation, I can't really say for girls because I'm not one and I've never discuss this with any girls before. For guys, they just share the excitement. Did I? erm.. I didn't really but I did ask question to gain wisdom. haha.
Ooook.. that's enough for now. Whatever it is, just keep all this within this blog entry. Shhh! It's top secret! ;p
Sunday, October 22, 2006
Friday, October 20, 2006
De one with Lake House
Hazy Friday
I've never felt as peaceful as the calm lake today...
Watched my favourite show "The Lake House" again on vcd. It's a true beauty.
The story is touching. The cast are terrific. The romance in it is wonderfully romantic.
Towards the end, i was near tearing. Oops..
Life is really unpredictable. There are ups and down. You might be holding on to something and the next moment, before you know it, it's gone... But then again.. nobody ends with nothing. A new life stage or chapter begin. And definately, it's better and better.
I know it. I'm experiencing it now.
;)
I've never felt as peaceful as the calm lake today...
Watched my favourite show "The Lake House" again on vcd. It's a true beauty.
The story is touching. The cast are terrific. The romance in it is wonderfully romantic.
Towards the end, i was near tearing. Oops..
Life is really unpredictable. There are ups and down. You might be holding on to something and the next moment, before you know it, it's gone... But then again.. nobody ends with nothing. A new life stage or chapter begin. And definately, it's better and better.
I know it. I'm experiencing it now.
;)
Thursday, October 19, 2006
De one with Thursday at Library
Hazy
Spent the whole day mugging at library today. Though I didn't do much. However, I managed to complete the last chapter for ACCT and 4 chapters for MKTG.
Ratio Analysis and Interpretation is a very tough chapter to deal with. Phew... finally settled it. Well though i've completed the chapters revision for ACCT, there are some patches here and there which I'm still not familiarised with.
For MKTG, I managed to revised the previous chapters all over again since it's been awhile back as I was concentrating on ACCT. Plus another chapter Buyers Process and Behaviour. Later still gotta study more chapters to be on schedule.
Evening time, I went up to Novena to have dinner at the Wokplace. A Thai-chinese restaurant which serves halal food at the same time. Mama, Jasmine and I ordered Pineapple rice, Hotplate Black pepper beef, Tom Yum soup and Baby Kailan. It was fairly good.
The bus trip back wasn't enjoyable. Everyone's tired. The crowded scene on the bus just makes things not any better.
Sigh. Exams preparation is tiring... but thank goodness, I have friends who keep messaging me to show their concern constantly. Thank you guys.
Spent the whole day mugging at library today. Though I didn't do much. However, I managed to complete the last chapter for ACCT and 4 chapters for MKTG.
Ratio Analysis and Interpretation is a very tough chapter to deal with. Phew... finally settled it. Well though i've completed the chapters revision for ACCT, there are some patches here and there which I'm still not familiarised with.
For MKTG, I managed to revised the previous chapters all over again since it's been awhile back as I was concentrating on ACCT. Plus another chapter Buyers Process and Behaviour. Later still gotta study more chapters to be on schedule.
Evening time, I went up to Novena to have dinner at the Wokplace. A Thai-chinese restaurant which serves halal food at the same time. Mama, Jasmine and I ordered Pineapple rice, Hotplate Black pepper beef, Tom Yum soup and Baby Kailan. It was fairly good.
The bus trip back wasn't enjoyable. Everyone's tired. The crowded scene on the bus just makes things not any better.
Sigh. Exams preparation is tiring... but thank goodness, I have friends who keep messaging me to show their concern constantly. Thank you guys.
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
De one with 100th Entry
Hazy
It's been an tiring day. Thank goodness I'm back at home. Had a relaxed bath and smelling sweet again... sipping on my favourite aromatic, smoothing cool Green Tea with Gui Hwa.
This is my 100th entry! Well, by it's number, it means nothing. However, what's worth exclaiming about is this entry tells about the end of a part of a recent major life stage.
Today is the last lecture for my 1st semester of my course. Rightfully, it should have ended last week. However, our responsible Macroeconomics lecturer called for an extra lecture to complete the last remaining topic. There goes the $5+ k of tuition fee.
Well, I bet most would agree. When one faces the end, they will start reminiscing the beginning... Like most ending in TV drama or the conclusion of a GP essay, every end is compose with a flashback.
31 July was the day when I embark on my course in SIM officially. After a morning of briefing, course introduction and administration, and campus familiarisation, I experienced my first MKTG lecture with our sarcastic yet professional Australian lecturer.
The coordinator, Dr Con was very fast lecturer. There were no time to stop and take a breath. From his manner of teaching, one can sense his obviously pride. Displaying competence in his field of education, he never fails to mention tonnes of relevent and appropriate examples. One of which, Levi Strauss was his commonly mentioned.
In terms of speed, another competing and better Australian lecturer was our ACCT lecturer. Attending ACCT lectures make me felt as if I was onboard a bullet train. Information were taught like the fast-moving sceneries. He was a man of high expectations, superbly passionate and demanding of his students. Not a lecturer you would dare to slack because he's constantly on your neck and pushing you to achieve. He tours around the lecture hall when he teaches and always looking and staring into the eyes.
In life, all things balances. Thankfully, ECON and ISYS experiences with the Australian lecturers were alot slower.
ECON lecturer was very slow. Maybe abit too slow. And often, unclear in his speech as he mumbles. I always think he resembles my JC GP tutor, Mr Cherry Chacko. With a fair mix of Santa Clause (due to his rosy cheeks and his white beard). A funny part about him was that he's always talking in a mumbling manner (sounds like a lallaby after prolonged hearing), students oftenly advise him to speak with more force into the microphone which was already at maximum volume. I managed to detect his attributes. He loves to share economic articles from the newspapers, to provide us with insights and discussion. Just that well... his soft-spokeness shadows everything.
Alittle better would be the Australian lecturer for ISYS. Constantly definining himself as a computer geek. Well.. He don't really appear to be one. I do appreciate his efforts to make the class less boring, through his jokes occassionally. Unfortunately, most of the time, only he could understand and laugh at his own joke. Omg. I really pity him.
After 3 lectures with individual lecturers from Australia. I was pretty relieved to have Local lecturers whose teaching methods and manner of speech makes me feel more comfortable and closer-to-heart.
Let's start with MKTG lecturer, Mrs Patricia Chia. She displays feminism and competence in her field of experties. Always providing recognisable examples in local context which proved to be more understandable. I recalled on the first day of lecture with her when new lecture notes were distributed for own collection. She requested my help and end up with a deficit copy (with some pages missing). Oops!
One thing about Patricia was that she likes to conduct audience-participating tutorials discussion in class. She will walk around the lecture stalls and stop in front of anyone. The next thing she will do is press the collar microphone to you and not leave until you've whispered or vocalise your voice into the mic. It makes our heartbeat accelerating and our nerves racking!!
Next is Daniel Tan, our friendly and experienced ACCT local lecturer. Always making sure we understand the concepts in ACCT. He doesn't mind repeating. A very student-orientated lecturer. Always emphasised and prove with actions that he's an "educator" rather than a "teacher". What is amirable about Daniel is his friendliness and openess, always providing us with simplifying stories and own life experiences.
What a non-boring lecture filled with laughter and lively delights? Well, our ECON lecturer Mr Saminathan delivers it. He's reputable in handling the large lecture group's attention and noise level. What's unforgettable about this guy is his out-frankiness and use of comical yet appropriate and relevant examples. Well.. he's always late for lectures, most probably because he anticipated us to be late. Haha. Sometimes, my imagination grow wild. Because he's an Indian, the tamil slang make me feel as if a mama-shop uncle or a Blangadeshi worker is teaching me macroeconomics. Oops! ;)
Last but not least, our ISYS lecturer Dr Lawrence Sim. Mentioned in my past entries. He teaches us the concepts as though we were kindergarden kids. hehehe.. Anyway, computing lessons in lab were never boring because we keep ourselves occupied with the fascinating computer unit each of us have in front of us.
Today is a day where things are gone. Apart from my last lecture for this sem. Another thing was gone too, which I wouldn't want to mention much. There you have it. The 100th Entry of my blog.
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
It's been an tiring day. Thank goodness I'm back at home. Had a relaxed bath and smelling sweet again... sipping on my favourite aromatic, smoothing cool Green Tea with Gui Hwa.
This is my 100th entry! Well, by it's number, it means nothing. However, what's worth exclaiming about is this entry tells about the end of a part of a recent major life stage.
Today is the last lecture for my 1st semester of my course. Rightfully, it should have ended last week. However, our responsible Macroeconomics lecturer called for an extra lecture to complete the last remaining topic. There goes the $5+ k of tuition fee.
Well, I bet most would agree. When one faces the end, they will start reminiscing the beginning... Like most ending in TV drama or the conclusion of a GP essay, every end is compose with a flashback.
31 July was the day when I embark on my course in SIM officially. After a morning of briefing, course introduction and administration, and campus familiarisation, I experienced my first MKTG lecture with our sarcastic yet professional Australian lecturer.
The coordinator, Dr Con was very fast lecturer. There were no time to stop and take a breath. From his manner of teaching, one can sense his obviously pride. Displaying competence in his field of education, he never fails to mention tonnes of relevent and appropriate examples. One of which, Levi Strauss was his commonly mentioned.
In terms of speed, another competing and better Australian lecturer was our ACCT lecturer. Attending ACCT lectures make me felt as if I was onboard a bullet train. Information were taught like the fast-moving sceneries. He was a man of high expectations, superbly passionate and demanding of his students. Not a lecturer you would dare to slack because he's constantly on your neck and pushing you to achieve. He tours around the lecture hall when he teaches and always looking and staring into the eyes.
In life, all things balances. Thankfully, ECON and ISYS experiences with the Australian lecturers were alot slower.
ECON lecturer was very slow. Maybe abit too slow. And often, unclear in his speech as he mumbles. I always think he resembles my JC GP tutor, Mr Cherry Chacko. With a fair mix of Santa Clause (due to his rosy cheeks and his white beard). A funny part about him was that he's always talking in a mumbling manner (sounds like a lallaby after prolonged hearing), students oftenly advise him to speak with more force into the microphone which was already at maximum volume. I managed to detect his attributes. He loves to share economic articles from the newspapers, to provide us with insights and discussion. Just that well... his soft-spokeness shadows everything.
Alittle better would be the Australian lecturer for ISYS. Constantly definining himself as a computer geek. Well.. He don't really appear to be one. I do appreciate his efforts to make the class less boring, through his jokes occassionally. Unfortunately, most of the time, only he could understand and laugh at his own joke. Omg. I really pity him.
After 3 lectures with individual lecturers from Australia. I was pretty relieved to have Local lecturers whose teaching methods and manner of speech makes me feel more comfortable and closer-to-heart.
Let's start with MKTG lecturer, Mrs Patricia Chia. She displays feminism and competence in her field of experties. Always providing recognisable examples in local context which proved to be more understandable. I recalled on the first day of lecture with her when new lecture notes were distributed for own collection. She requested my help and end up with a deficit copy (with some pages missing). Oops!
One thing about Patricia was that she likes to conduct audience-participating tutorials discussion in class. She will walk around the lecture stalls and stop in front of anyone. The next thing she will do is press the collar microphone to you and not leave until you've whispered or vocalise your voice into the mic. It makes our heartbeat accelerating and our nerves racking!!
Next is Daniel Tan, our friendly and experienced ACCT local lecturer. Always making sure we understand the concepts in ACCT. He doesn't mind repeating. A very student-orientated lecturer. Always emphasised and prove with actions that he's an "educator" rather than a "teacher". What is amirable about Daniel is his friendliness and openess, always providing us with simplifying stories and own life experiences.
What a non-boring lecture filled with laughter and lively delights? Well, our ECON lecturer Mr Saminathan delivers it. He's reputable in handling the large lecture group's attention and noise level. What's unforgettable about this guy is his out-frankiness and use of comical yet appropriate and relevant examples. Well.. he's always late for lectures, most probably because he anticipated us to be late. Haha. Sometimes, my imagination grow wild. Because he's an Indian, the tamil slang make me feel as if a mama-shop uncle or a Blangadeshi worker is teaching me macroeconomics. Oops! ;)
Last but not least, our ISYS lecturer Dr Lawrence Sim. Mentioned in my past entries. He teaches us the concepts as though we were kindergarden kids. hehehe.. Anyway, computing lessons in lab were never boring because we keep ourselves occupied with the fascinating computer unit each of us have in front of us.
Today is a day where things are gone. Apart from my last lecture for this sem. Another thing was gone too, which I wouldn't want to mention much. There you have it. The 100th Entry of my blog.
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
De one with Amazing Race: AMK library
Hibernating in library from the haze
SPECIAL REPORT!! Amazing Race is here in Singapore again!!
All contestants from AMK distinct have to arrive at AMK community library by 10am today.
These contestants are all highly competitive, equipped with textbooks of their own, some with bags, files.. all with their desire to get into the library itself where the amazing race ends at this very destination!
Crazy introduction?! some migh just find it lame. Hehe.. anyway, it was worth blogging what happened this morning as it was my first time ever, having to queue up while waiting with crowd, all anxiously waiting to get into the library as if there was a sales at some shopping centre. Omg.
What's more surprising and puzzling was that today happened to be a weekday lor.. Never in my life have I witness such an occassion.. People actually queue up kiasu-ly to gain entry into such places? Omg.. I was wondering how worst the situation could get if it was on a week end.
Today was another fruitful day from 10 am to 6pm, mugging (Singlish:- Studying hard/cramping for examinations) the time at the cosy and conducive environment.
Oh! Before this, I went to NTUC (nearby mah) to get my current Fab "Heaven and Earth green tea with Gui Hwa"... It's an auromatic drink.. super savouring.. I realised this last day when I lunched with Zhen Ze and Guan Hui at Clementi on Monday. 100ml bottle for $1. Thus, I bought two to substain my mugging session for the day.
Managed to get the 2nd table. Initially it was shaking. Fortunately, I managed to position the table and wah-la! it became stable (hehe.. I sure have a way of fixing things~).. Well, another funny thing which occured was the person sitting next to me was an accounting student. What a mere coincedence! Yesterday, the person sitting next to me was an accounting student too! Omg!
Well, another thing worth mentioning was due to their pressence, I feel abit stressed unexplainably. Yesterday I felt, I wasn't good enough because we're seperated by benchmark. To be more precise, it's what we are more familiarised with.. a feeling called Inadequate.
Well, fortunately, thanks to Kelvin's console and life-experienced inspiring example, i got some used to it and hey..it really doesn't matter. It's actually psychotic. I managed to focus on my own bit of study. I'm sure I'll make a competent, compassionate and professional accountant! I managed to wrap up 3 chapters today. Namely Costing, Regulatory environment, Business Environment, Ethics and COrporate Governence.
Can't get enough of good news?! I'm proud to announce that I'm left with ONE more chapter to mug for my accounting!! *glamourous smile*
I also realised, the resultant of this was I'm lagging behind in my other modules. Oops! So must allocated more time on other modules! Hehe.. Managed to complete one Marketing chapter.
I had Subway (Yeah..I'm lovin' it) take away for dinner. Jasmine said she wanted it. End up, I only saw her sms, informing her cancellation of order because Mama cooked beef for her. After I bought Subway. Diao~ . ~ . ~ .
Never mind, at least I reached home and drank the Gui Hwa with Green tea, Mama bought for me today.
Really glad the amazing race at AMK library was worth the knowledge and wisdom gained. Fruitful day! :D
SPECIAL REPORT!! Amazing Race is here in Singapore again!!
All contestants from AMK distinct have to arrive at AMK community library by 10am today.
These contestants are all highly competitive, equipped with textbooks of their own, some with bags, files.. all with their desire to get into the library itself where the amazing race ends at this very destination!
Crazy introduction?! some migh just find it lame. Hehe.. anyway, it was worth blogging what happened this morning as it was my first time ever, having to queue up while waiting with crowd, all anxiously waiting to get into the library as if there was a sales at some shopping centre. Omg.
What's more surprising and puzzling was that today happened to be a weekday lor.. Never in my life have I witness such an occassion.. People actually queue up kiasu-ly to gain entry into such places? Omg.. I was wondering how worst the situation could get if it was on a week end.
Today was another fruitful day from 10 am to 6pm, mugging (Singlish:- Studying hard/cramping for examinations) the time at the cosy and conducive environment.
Oh! Before this, I went to NTUC (nearby mah) to get my current Fab "Heaven and Earth green tea with Gui Hwa"... It's an auromatic drink.. super savouring.. I realised this last day when I lunched with Zhen Ze and Guan Hui at Clementi on Monday. 100ml bottle for $1. Thus, I bought two to substain my mugging session for the day.
Managed to get the 2nd table. Initially it was shaking. Fortunately, I managed to position the table and wah-la! it became stable (hehe.. I sure have a way of fixing things~).. Well, another funny thing which occured was the person sitting next to me was an accounting student. What a mere coincedence! Yesterday, the person sitting next to me was an accounting student too! Omg!
Well, another thing worth mentioning was due to their pressence, I feel abit stressed unexplainably. Yesterday I felt, I wasn't good enough because we're seperated by benchmark. To be more precise, it's what we are more familiarised with.. a feeling called Inadequate.
Well, fortunately, thanks to Kelvin's console and life-experienced inspiring example, i got some used to it and hey..it really doesn't matter. It's actually psychotic. I managed to focus on my own bit of study. I'm sure I'll make a competent, compassionate and professional accountant! I managed to wrap up 3 chapters today. Namely Costing, Regulatory environment, Business Environment, Ethics and COrporate Governence.
Can't get enough of good news?! I'm proud to announce that I'm left with ONE more chapter to mug for my accounting!! *glamourous smile*
I also realised, the resultant of this was I'm lagging behind in my other modules. Oops! So must allocated more time on other modules! Hehe.. Managed to complete one Marketing chapter.
I had Subway (Yeah..I'm lovin' it) take away for dinner. Jasmine said she wanted it. End up, I only saw her sms, informing her cancellation of order because Mama cooked beef for her. After I bought Subway. Diao~ . ~ . ~ .
Never mind, at least I reached home and drank the Gui Hwa with Green tea, Mama bought for me today.
Really glad the amazing race at AMK library was worth the knowledge and wisdom gained. Fruitful day! :D
Sunday, October 15, 2006
De one with Sunday with Akeelah & the Bee
Hazy and warm day
Early morning, woke up around 9am and dragged myself for morning jog. Surprises just keeps appearing this week. Guess who did I see at Bishan Park? my secondary school mates, playing soccer. Well, I just wanted to concentrate on my jogging, so i didn't approach them. Hehe.
Well, it was a rather refreshing jog along Marymount Rd all the way up to Bishan Fire Station before making a U-turn down along Thompson Rd, cut into the Car Industrial Park and back to the park. Wuao...
After that, had two pages of printout for my assignment touch up. Just because I couldn't accept the header for two pages being too high. Hehe.. Perfectionist mah..
Made my way to AMK library. However there wasn't any unoccupied tables. So I studied for awhile at the sofa seats, beside this sweet lady. Unsatisfied, I decided to leave for Bishan library. Well..there were seats but the children at the children's section downstairs were too noisy. Hence, unable to find my conducive in the environment, I bunk off to Toa Payoh. Haha.
Toa Payoh Library was worst. There were so much people. Well.. I guess I wasn't in the right mood for studies. So I decided to take the day-off. Oops. Hehe.
I end up buying Akeelah and the Bee. An adaption from the summary. It's the inspirational story of Akeelah Andrerson, an 11-yr-old girl with a gift for words. Despite the objections of her mother, Akeelah enters various spelling contests, for which she is tutored by the forthright Dr. Larabee; her principal Mr. Welch and the proud residents of her neighbourhood. Akeelah's aptitude earns her an opportunity to compete for a spot in the Scripps National Spelling Bee and, in turn, unties her neighbourhood who witness the courage and inspiration of one amazing little girl.
The ending was moving. Akeelah and her strong competitor Dylan, won the double championship. In the movie, I heard of my favourite prose. It's about liberating the fear of ownself. Perviously heard from Coach Carter.
Well.. the movie awakened myself. The previous 21 years of my life was alot. I'm not that bad afterall. I've changed alot and achieved alot. From a shy, autistic boy to be more sociable and friendly guy. My secondary pursue and spirit for my military band and music. My passion for art. Coping with all the emotions. My leadership and capability in running during NS. And now, smart enough to be in SIM university doing a degree along the profession of my late mummy.
An add-on to my previous entry "De one with a Spark of Inspiration", I've always strived to do my best. I did. For once, I put away my humble and amplify my pride.
Life's really turning out good. Thankfully, the grey clouds shifted itself out from me which I thought was Eden. Oops. How silly I was.
Early morning, woke up around 9am and dragged myself for morning jog. Surprises just keeps appearing this week. Guess who did I see at Bishan Park? my secondary school mates, playing soccer. Well, I just wanted to concentrate on my jogging, so i didn't approach them. Hehe.
Well, it was a rather refreshing jog along Marymount Rd all the way up to Bishan Fire Station before making a U-turn down along Thompson Rd, cut into the Car Industrial Park and back to the park. Wuao...
After that, had two pages of printout for my assignment touch up. Just because I couldn't accept the header for two pages being too high. Hehe.. Perfectionist mah..
Made my way to AMK library. However there wasn't any unoccupied tables. So I studied for awhile at the sofa seats, beside this sweet lady. Unsatisfied, I decided to leave for Bishan library. Well..there were seats but the children at the children's section downstairs were too noisy. Hence, unable to find my conducive in the environment, I bunk off to Toa Payoh. Haha.
Toa Payoh Library was worst. There were so much people. Well.. I guess I wasn't in the right mood for studies. So I decided to take the day-off. Oops. Hehe.
I end up buying Akeelah and the Bee. An adaption from the summary. It's the inspirational story of Akeelah Andrerson, an 11-yr-old girl with a gift for words. Despite the objections of her mother, Akeelah enters various spelling contests, for which she is tutored by the forthright Dr. Larabee; her principal Mr. Welch and the proud residents of her neighbourhood. Akeelah's aptitude earns her an opportunity to compete for a spot in the Scripps National Spelling Bee and, in turn, unties her neighbourhood who witness the courage and inspiration of one amazing little girl.
The ending was moving. Akeelah and her strong competitor Dylan, won the double championship. In the movie, I heard of my favourite prose. It's about liberating the fear of ownself. Perviously heard from Coach Carter.
Well.. the movie awakened myself. The previous 21 years of my life was alot. I'm not that bad afterall. I've changed alot and achieved alot. From a shy, autistic boy to be more sociable and friendly guy. My secondary pursue and spirit for my military band and music. My passion for art. Coping with all the emotions. My leadership and capability in running during NS. And now, smart enough to be in SIM university doing a degree along the profession of my late mummy.
An add-on to my previous entry "De one with a Spark of Inspiration", I've always strived to do my best. I did. For once, I put away my humble and amplify my pride.
Life's really turning out good. Thankfully, the grey clouds shifted itself out from me which I thought was Eden. Oops. How silly I was.
De one with A spark of Inspiration [Emolings]
Spreading thy wings and starting to soar
Have you ever been in a moment where you feel you've all the support of people surrounding you, feel that you can't be more appropriate and right possible in your entire life. I have. This iscalled LOVE. L. O. V. E.
It's the moment I'm truly myself. Just the way I like my life to be. No complications. Just simply me. It's gratifying.
Jason no longer cry anymore. Well.. there may be times I feel down. However, I'm proud to say, in all my life, I'm fortunately to say in all the relationships I've been through, I gave my best shot in it.
I did. Wholeheartedly... Genuinely.. Sincerely.
I'm truly happy and inspired by myself.
I finally realised this. Today.
:D
Have you ever been in a moment where you feel you've all the support of people surrounding you, feel that you can't be more appropriate and right possible in your entire life. I have. This iscalled LOVE. L. O. V. E.
It's the moment I'm truly myself. Just the way I like my life to be. No complications. Just simply me. It's gratifying.
Jason no longer cry anymore. Well.. there may be times I feel down. However, I'm proud to say, in all my life, I'm fortunately to say in all the relationships I've been through, I gave my best shot in it.
I did. Wholeheartedly... Genuinely.. Sincerely.
I'm truly happy and inspired by myself.
I finally realised this. Today.
:D
Saturday, October 14, 2006
De one with a Note to Unworthy [Emolings]
Humble in Pride
I didn't take anything from you. Talk about Karma, I think I've paid and experienced whatever devastation you've never faced nor been through before.
I loved a person who cheat me of 5k. And I faced the grief of losing two family members.
At least you have a mother to run to. When you feel troubled, you have a home with all family members full-house, to return too.
No. I didn't take anything from you.
Humans never learn. But I've learnt. This time... it's really over.
No more downpour in my heart. It's sunny from now onwards.
I didn't take anything from you. Talk about Karma, I think I've paid and experienced whatever devastation you've never faced nor been through before.
I loved a person who cheat me of 5k. And I faced the grief of losing two family members.
At least you have a mother to run to. When you feel troubled, you have a home with all family members full-house, to return too.
No. I didn't take anything from you.
Humans never learn. But I've learnt. This time... it's really over.
No more downpour in my heart. It's sunny from now onwards.
De one with Friday the 13th
Drizzle and sunshine
Today is Friday the 13th. To many, they always believe it to be an unlucky day. Presumingly, Robinson Crusude's friend Friday, died on this day. Anyway.. this isn't my area of superstition.
I dressed all black today. Nope. Not because it's Friday the 13th. However, an all black attire because I went to visit my mummy again. It occurred to me that I've not visited mummy last month. Sigh. Perhaps God's punishing me for being too caught up in my relationship (which was really a waste and disastrous). Looking back, time really pass by very rapidly. Yesterday marked the 15 month since mummy left.
Differ form the norm, I bought 2 stalks of roses instead of 3. It symbolises "Miss you". In my heart, I was really lost. It feel so empty even since someone who filled and emptied it completely recently. Not even a single bit left because my rage burnt and evaporated every drop of it.
On my way from Thompson Plaza to Mandai Coloumnarium, there was a downpour. I was crying in my heart as the realising loneliness kept sipping in boundlessly. Unexplainably, when I arrived throught the gates of the destination, the rain faded and the skies turned cloudy.
The place was pretty crowded compared to the previous afternoons I've been there. Anyway, I spent some quality time with mummy. Updating her every single bit about my life, the family and all that was bad.
Managed to restored peace in me. In addition to what happened to me in the morning when I went jogging after only 4 hours of sleep last night. For once ever since the breakup, memories flashback of the sweet-time I had with Sweet, I didn't feel abit of remorse or missing. Instead, I felt appreciative and smiled at the rememberance of us.
Friday the 13th wasn't a bad day for me after all. I left Mandai. It didn't rain until I reached the busstop. What's with luck on me? ;)
Somebody said a couple of things which nearly ruined my day. However, this day was just too good and real smooth for me. Another plus upgrade was I was matured enough to think and not get so easily affected by what others say.
Till today, I realised... I didn't love Sweet a single bit. Silly that I only managed to realised it today. They say, "the person who hurt you most is the person is the one you loved most". I just don't think I loved Sweet that much as I've thought myself to be.
I went to library for a short period for studying. Sigh. Cost is really tough. Plus my eyes were tired from the lack of sleep last night. I decided to leave for Orchard earlier to met Mohan.
Arrival at Orchard MRT, I was infested with the surveyers while I wait for Mohan. We walked to Cineleisure to buy our movie tickets. Meantime, we dined at Paragon's Thai Express. Upon hearing from me that 4:30 was out, we went to three different places as Mohan wanted to get the show on dvd. Only to find it at our last stop at Sembawang Music Store just before we went up for our movie.
After a pretty long time, I finally stick back to having popcorns for movie. Lucky again? For the first time in all the times I've watched movie at Cine, we have our movie threatre on the 9th storey!
We watched this heartwarming movie: Little Miss Sunshine (though I wanted to watch WTC initially but I changed my mind and accomodate Mohan as I was in the mood for a happy movie). The movie was rather good. Heart delighting. It was about the things good and bad which occured during a family's trip to this beauty pageant, the young daughter, Olive was participating.
The movie portrays the ambitions and dissapointment of family. Olive's dream to win in the Little Miss Sunshine yet she's pretty obese since she loved ice-cream. There was Mr Hoover who got con into a business, selling a book based on his enthusiastic model differentiating winners and losers. There was Mrs Hoover, coping with her stress as good wife, mother and sister. There was Uncle Frank who was a homosexual and the 3rd scholar in the states, attempted suicide because he got sacked by his job at uni due to a scandal with a student. And Granpa who died due to overdosage of drugs. Lastly, there was Dwine, the eldest son who strived so much to become a pilot yet disabled with color blindness.
The family been through alot. From dealing with a spolit clutch minibus, Grandpa's death and finally, the hilarious amirable support of the whole family to Olive who wasn't getting the support from the crowd with her striptease dance.
All in all, there was a contrast in the show which left a very deep impression in me. Frank was at a petrol station, buying porn for Granpa Hoover. He met the student he was in love with. The student saw Frank's purchase and withdraw from Frank. Haha.. usually, a normal friend who sees you will a GAY porn will withdraw and run off from you. In this movie, it was the opposite.
After movie, we came across this new store : Super surf..something Surf. We went in. As I was browsing the slippers. This lovely female assistant ask me how old we (Mohan and me) were. When I replied we were 21, she was astonised. Told me we look alot younger. Haha.
The both of us decided to chill out at the only Starbucks we've never been to at the old Singtel Building. Unexpectedly, it was crowded. So we patronised the one at Wheelock Place. Mohan said there was this guy who staring at us. Earlier as we walked along Orcahrd Road, Mohan said a guy was staring at me. When Mohan was trying his clothes at NUM vintage store, the male assistant keep taking glances at me. Omg. Am I becoming a male-magnet? Haha.
Friday the thirteen. Well... definately an enjoyable day. But tiring day... *wink*
Today is Friday the 13th. To many, they always believe it to be an unlucky day. Presumingly, Robinson Crusude's friend Friday, died on this day. Anyway.. this isn't my area of superstition.
I dressed all black today. Nope. Not because it's Friday the 13th. However, an all black attire because I went to visit my mummy again. It occurred to me that I've not visited mummy last month. Sigh. Perhaps God's punishing me for being too caught up in my relationship (which was really a waste and disastrous). Looking back, time really pass by very rapidly. Yesterday marked the 15 month since mummy left.
Differ form the norm, I bought 2 stalks of roses instead of 3. It symbolises "Miss you". In my heart, I was really lost. It feel so empty even since someone who filled and emptied it completely recently. Not even a single bit left because my rage burnt and evaporated every drop of it.
On my way from Thompson Plaza to Mandai Coloumnarium, there was a downpour. I was crying in my heart as the realising loneliness kept sipping in boundlessly. Unexplainably, when I arrived throught the gates of the destination, the rain faded and the skies turned cloudy.
The place was pretty crowded compared to the previous afternoons I've been there. Anyway, I spent some quality time with mummy. Updating her every single bit about my life, the family and all that was bad.
Managed to restored peace in me. In addition to what happened to me in the morning when I went jogging after only 4 hours of sleep last night. For once ever since the breakup, memories flashback of the sweet-time I had with Sweet, I didn't feel abit of remorse or missing. Instead, I felt appreciative and smiled at the rememberance of us.
Friday the 13th wasn't a bad day for me after all. I left Mandai. It didn't rain until I reached the busstop. What's with luck on me? ;)
Somebody said a couple of things which nearly ruined my day. However, this day was just too good and real smooth for me. Another plus upgrade was I was matured enough to think and not get so easily affected by what others say.
Till today, I realised... I didn't love Sweet a single bit. Silly that I only managed to realised it today. They say, "the person who hurt you most is the person is the one you loved most". I just don't think I loved Sweet that much as I've thought myself to be.
I went to library for a short period for studying. Sigh. Cost is really tough. Plus my eyes were tired from the lack of sleep last night. I decided to leave for Orchard earlier to met Mohan.
Arrival at Orchard MRT, I was infested with the surveyers while I wait for Mohan. We walked to Cineleisure to buy our movie tickets. Meantime, we dined at Paragon's Thai Express. Upon hearing from me that 4:30 was out, we went to three different places as Mohan wanted to get the show on dvd. Only to find it at our last stop at Sembawang Music Store just before we went up for our movie.
After a pretty long time, I finally stick back to having popcorns for movie. Lucky again? For the first time in all the times I've watched movie at Cine, we have our movie threatre on the 9th storey!
We watched this heartwarming movie: Little Miss Sunshine (though I wanted to watch WTC initially but I changed my mind and accomodate Mohan as I was in the mood for a happy movie). The movie was rather good. Heart delighting. It was about the things good and bad which occured during a family's trip to this beauty pageant, the young daughter, Olive was participating.
The movie portrays the ambitions and dissapointment of family. Olive's dream to win in the Little Miss Sunshine yet she's pretty obese since she loved ice-cream. There was Mr Hoover who got con into a business, selling a book based on his enthusiastic model differentiating winners and losers. There was Mrs Hoover, coping with her stress as good wife, mother and sister. There was Uncle Frank who was a homosexual and the 3rd scholar in the states, attempted suicide because he got sacked by his job at uni due to a scandal with a student. And Granpa who died due to overdosage of drugs. Lastly, there was Dwine, the eldest son who strived so much to become a pilot yet disabled with color blindness.
The family been through alot. From dealing with a spolit clutch minibus, Grandpa's death and finally, the hilarious amirable support of the whole family to Olive who wasn't getting the support from the crowd with her striptease dance.
All in all, there was a contrast in the show which left a very deep impression in me. Frank was at a petrol station, buying porn for Granpa Hoover. He met the student he was in love with. The student saw Frank's purchase and withdraw from Frank. Haha.. usually, a normal friend who sees you will a GAY porn will withdraw and run off from you. In this movie, it was the opposite.
After movie, we came across this new store : Super surf..something Surf. We went in. As I was browsing the slippers. This lovely female assistant ask me how old we (Mohan and me) were. When I replied we were 21, she was astonised. Told me we look alot younger. Haha.
The both of us decided to chill out at the only Starbucks we've never been to at the old Singtel Building. Unexpectedly, it was crowded. So we patronised the one at Wheelock Place. Mohan said there was this guy who staring at us. Earlier as we walked along Orcahrd Road, Mohan said a guy was staring at me. When Mohan was trying his clothes at NUM vintage store, the male assistant keep taking glances at me. Omg. Am I becoming a male-magnet? Haha.
Friday the thirteen. Well... definately an enjoyable day. But tiring day... *wink*
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
De one with Shopping again
Sunny, hazy
Today was supposedly the last lecture of ECON1016. However the lecturer couldn't complete his teaching of topic: International Trade. Hence, we have an extra lecture on Wednesday next week.
Went to campus early for studying at the library after a light morning jog. Didn't do much. the whole 3 hours I was cramping my head to read up and pick up the relevant crucials in the Accounting chapter 10: Budgets and CVP. Sigh. Halfway through, all thanks to the finishing of MintueMaid Lemonade, I experience sharp stomach pain. Ouch! Wanted very much to go to the toilet. However I didn't want to pack up my stuff (which were already laid all over the study cubicle I'm in). Furthermore, it was really heavy and troublesome. Eventually, I end up having to endure the pain in the cold room. Sigh. It's a worst feeling.. to be bearing with a bowel urge in an air conditioned room.
I didn't know why but surges of nostalgia of Sweet came forth and back at the back of my mind. Unexplainably. It's affecting me...well.. I keep telling myself I have to let go and move on.
Being the 2nd last Econs lecture, it was still as enjoyable as if it was the first. Today we learned more about Money Market: Expansionary and Contractionary Monetary Policies and a refreshing International Trade. This particular topic made me recall what I've studied before during my JC. It's about Adam Smith and David Ricardo and their theories of absolute and comparative advantage respectively.
There was this "terms of trade" which beared more resemblance to what I've studied. It was the only few areas which I only liked about Macroeconomic. Oops.. Still recall I used to hate Macroeconomics because everything was so complicated and confusing. Little did I ever know I'll be doing this again at uni. Nevertheless, it was refreshing. Thankfully, I had an "absolute advantage" compared to my counterparts who didn't take Econs during JC. *blush*
Ok, didn't mean to be boastful.
Today I met Max. In the right time to show him the available courses which he can take since he was considering of furthering his studies in Business Administration. After which he treated me dinner at J8's Swensons. He had Salmon and Mushroom pasta, while I had my all time favourite Fish and Chips.
Having our stomachs filled, we went to see J8. Unsatisfied as I wanted to buy a black LeviS Tee for this coming Friday the 13th. We travelled down to Orchard.
Do you know the underground pass to Wisma Atrium from the MRT is closed? Sigh.. It really shows how long have I last been to Orchard (well.. ever since the breakup.. only went with Mohan and Chin Yu...hmm.. nevermind). In the end, I spent a total of $200+. Let's practise some accounting here..hehe
Income
-
Net Income -
Expenses
EnerVon-C 100 tables $ 30.00
Vidal Sasoon Color Control Conditional $ 9.80
Levi Strass Black T-shirt $ 39.50
Skinxwear Innova x3 $ 32.70
DKYN Red-Delicious Cologne $102.00
Prepayment (EZ link topup) $ 30.00
Bubble Tea $ 2.50
Net Expenses ($ 246.50)
Sigh.. Max was shocked with my expenditure this evening. Sigh. But it felt good to be shopping again. Haven't been doing it because firstly, I had to be sensitive as Sweet didn't have the purchasing power. Secondly, I was often broke since I have been spending alot on us eating out and movies plus buying things for Sweet.
Well.. well.. Today, my friends continued to encourage and console me.. Especially my friend Andrew. I'm really grateful they are here to protect me as I'm rather gullible and simple-minded. Thank you, my friends.
Today was supposedly the last lecture of ECON1016. However the lecturer couldn't complete his teaching of topic: International Trade. Hence, we have an extra lecture on Wednesday next week.
Went to campus early for studying at the library after a light morning jog. Didn't do much. the whole 3 hours I was cramping my head to read up and pick up the relevant crucials in the Accounting chapter 10: Budgets and CVP. Sigh. Halfway through, all thanks to the finishing of MintueMaid Lemonade, I experience sharp stomach pain. Ouch! Wanted very much to go to the toilet. However I didn't want to pack up my stuff (which were already laid all over the study cubicle I'm in). Furthermore, it was really heavy and troublesome. Eventually, I end up having to endure the pain in the cold room. Sigh. It's a worst feeling.. to be bearing with a bowel urge in an air conditioned room.
I didn't know why but surges of nostalgia of Sweet came forth and back at the back of my mind. Unexplainably. It's affecting me...well.. I keep telling myself I have to let go and move on.
Being the 2nd last Econs lecture, it was still as enjoyable as if it was the first. Today we learned more about Money Market: Expansionary and Contractionary Monetary Policies and a refreshing International Trade. This particular topic made me recall what I've studied before during my JC. It's about Adam Smith and David Ricardo and their theories of absolute and comparative advantage respectively.
There was this "terms of trade" which beared more resemblance to what I've studied. It was the only few areas which I only liked about Macroeconomic. Oops.. Still recall I used to hate Macroeconomics because everything was so complicated and confusing. Little did I ever know I'll be doing this again at uni. Nevertheless, it was refreshing. Thankfully, I had an "absolute advantage" compared to my counterparts who didn't take Econs during JC. *blush*
Ok, didn't mean to be boastful.
Today I met Max. In the right time to show him the available courses which he can take since he was considering of furthering his studies in Business Administration. After which he treated me dinner at J8's Swensons. He had Salmon and Mushroom pasta, while I had my all time favourite Fish and Chips.
Having our stomachs filled, we went to see J8. Unsatisfied as I wanted to buy a black LeviS Tee for this coming Friday the 13th. We travelled down to Orchard.
Do you know the underground pass to Wisma Atrium from the MRT is closed? Sigh.. It really shows how long have I last been to Orchard (well.. ever since the breakup.. only went with Mohan and Chin Yu...hmm.. nevermind). In the end, I spent a total of $200+. Let's practise some accounting here..hehe
Income
-
Net Income -
Expenses
EnerVon-C 100 tables $ 30.00
Vidal Sasoon Color Control Conditional $ 9.80
Levi Strass Black T-shirt $ 39.50
Skinxwear Innova x3 $ 32.70
DKYN Red-Delicious Cologne $102.00
Prepayment (EZ link topup) $ 30.00
Bubble Tea $ 2.50
Net Expenses ($ 246.50)
Sigh.. Max was shocked with my expenditure this evening. Sigh. But it felt good to be shopping again. Haven't been doing it because firstly, I had to be sensitive as Sweet didn't have the purchasing power. Secondly, I was often broke since I have been spending alot on us eating out and movies plus buying things for Sweet.
Well.. well.. Today, my friends continued to encourage and console me.. Especially my friend Andrew. I'm really grateful they are here to protect me as I'm rather gullible and simple-minded. Thank you, my friends.
De one with Patience
Mild hazy morning
People kep saying:" You're still young... don't think too/so much. Just wait and the right one will appear or come to you."
Is this really true? How long more must I wait? :'S
People kep saying:" You're still young... don't think too/so much. Just wait and the right one will appear or come to you."
Is this really true? How long more must I wait? :'S
Monday, October 09, 2006
De one with Resilience
Hazy and warm
Don't know why but everytime I blog, I have an urge to start it by counting the number of days since the breakup. Apparantly, thanks to all the concern and encouragement of my existing and new found friends, I managed to supress "J"ason and gained my senses. I don't know..perhaps it's the beginning in another life chapter? Most probably, it is...
I do admit there will be times "J"ason take over the mind. Fabricating and analysing possibilities to achieve the long-forgotten and impossible desires. As much as I want to sip into the unconscious mind again, I pull myself back again and keep persuading myself to be rational, sensible.. and ultimately, to let go...
Met -A- a week after my breakup, we had a heart-to-heart chat after dinner at S-11, AMK central. -A- said I need to control my emotions and advised me (like what everybody has been saying) that you can't put 100% heart and soul into a relationship. That will be total suicide just by jumping into it blindly. It also made me realise things are not as simple and clear as the innocence in me is telling me so. I really hate being so superficial and cautious of people taking advantage of my genuinity and gulliblity.
Furthermore, I also realised, Time really heals some of the wounds and makes me forget about a person I used to love so much, gradually. It's not really about not thinking about my ex but rather, it was the force of letting another person into my life. As I found a new love, it enables me to fill my loneliness and enable me to utilise the passion to this new love.
Today I went jogging in the morning, I realised.. why people cry isn't entirely because the rejected person is at a loss of what to do next. A breakup is heart-breaking because you have not had the chance to recover and retrieve your feelings for a person. Yet you're already "cut off" and forced to be left suspended around the "peak" period when the other party who brought up the break-up have completely finished his/her cycle of loving you.
An example to illustrate this better would be like watching a movie. 3/5 or 3/4 throught the show, the movie got cut off and we're forced to leave.
That's why the feeling of loss comes into the picture because the rejected ones have to recover themselves.. to decrease their feelings (in completion of their cycle of love for that relationship)..alone.
Well.. life still goes on. It's really tough climbing out of the deep cliff I've fallen into. Sometimes I might just slip my grip and fall lower.
I've been studying. Exams are drawing close. Stress is building up resultably. Sigh. Non-excusable however it's really tough, coping with exams preparation and dealing with my unsettled emotion-chaos.
I'm intending to do what I can. Finally embarked on my journey to prepare myself for exams. At AMK library, I managed to finish studying 3 chapters of Accounting: Statement of Cash Flows (which I've started yesterday and the day before), Accounting Equation, Balance Sheet. As planned, I completed marketing Chpt 1 and Macroeconomics: PPC and scarcity, GDP, Unemployment and inflation. Phew...
For a moment, my mind strayed and reminded myself of the person who broke my heart.. Omg..wasted some of my revising time. I sober up and continued studying.
I had Subway takeaway for dinner after meeting Jessamine at J8 to pass her something. I realised I'm influenced by Sweet in alot of ways. Subway became my favourite fast-food restaurant. Grew to love Honey Oat loaf.. and red wine vinegrette.. Sigh.. *sobs*
All in all, it's really hard to forget... but hey, I'm moving on.. Just need more time for resilience
Archa Archa Archa!
Don't know why but everytime I blog, I have an urge to start it by counting the number of days since the breakup. Apparantly, thanks to all the concern and encouragement of my existing and new found friends, I managed to supress "J"ason and gained my senses. I don't know..perhaps it's the beginning in another life chapter? Most probably, it is...
I do admit there will be times "J"ason take over the mind. Fabricating and analysing possibilities to achieve the long-forgotten and impossible desires. As much as I want to sip into the unconscious mind again, I pull myself back again and keep persuading myself to be rational, sensible.. and ultimately, to let go...
Met -A- a week after my breakup, we had a heart-to-heart chat after dinner at S-11, AMK central. -A- said I need to control my emotions and advised me (like what everybody has been saying) that you can't put 100% heart and soul into a relationship. That will be total suicide just by jumping into it blindly. It also made me realise things are not as simple and clear as the innocence in me is telling me so. I really hate being so superficial and cautious of people taking advantage of my genuinity and gulliblity.
Furthermore, I also realised, Time really heals some of the wounds and makes me forget about a person I used to love so much, gradually. It's not really about not thinking about my ex but rather, it was the force of letting another person into my life. As I found a new love, it enables me to fill my loneliness and enable me to utilise the passion to this new love.
Today I went jogging in the morning, I realised.. why people cry isn't entirely because the rejected person is at a loss of what to do next. A breakup is heart-breaking because you have not had the chance to recover and retrieve your feelings for a person. Yet you're already "cut off" and forced to be left suspended around the "peak" period when the other party who brought up the break-up have completely finished his/her cycle of loving you.
An example to illustrate this better would be like watching a movie. 3/5 or 3/4 throught the show, the movie got cut off and we're forced to leave.
That's why the feeling of loss comes into the picture because the rejected ones have to recover themselves.. to decrease their feelings (in completion of their cycle of love for that relationship)..alone.
Well.. life still goes on. It's really tough climbing out of the deep cliff I've fallen into. Sometimes I might just slip my grip and fall lower.
I've been studying. Exams are drawing close. Stress is building up resultably. Sigh. Non-excusable however it's really tough, coping with exams preparation and dealing with my unsettled emotion-chaos.
I'm intending to do what I can. Finally embarked on my journey to prepare myself for exams. At AMK library, I managed to finish studying 3 chapters of Accounting: Statement of Cash Flows (which I've started yesterday and the day before), Accounting Equation, Balance Sheet. As planned, I completed marketing Chpt 1 and Macroeconomics: PPC and scarcity, GDP, Unemployment and inflation. Phew...
For a moment, my mind strayed and reminded myself of the person who broke my heart.. Omg..wasted some of my revising time. I sober up and continued studying.
I had Subway takeaway for dinner after meeting Jessamine at J8 to pass her something. I realised I'm influenced by Sweet in alot of ways. Subway became my favourite fast-food restaurant. Grew to love Honey Oat loaf.. and red wine vinegrette.. Sigh.. *sobs*
All in all, it's really hard to forget... but hey, I'm moving on.. Just need more time for resilience
Archa Archa Archa!
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
De one with a Prayer
Night breeze
Shuqing gave me this prayer.. it was this which I felt exonerated and resilient. Furthermore, gratefully thankful to..
Someone and gestures came visit me... alleviating the chaos in my heart, mind and soul. ... filling me with the comfort of making me restore thy peace, as though draining thy ambivalence. Affirmed, I'm enlightened of forgivance.
I've always been a "slower". I suppose it takes Time for me to let go...
"Father, I know I have broken Your laws and my sin has seperated me from You.
Now I want to turn into your past sinful life, towards you.
Please forgive me and please help me aviod sinning again.
I invite Jesus into my heart, to fill me with His love.. to take away the hurts I feel.
Lord, I pray you engulf me with Your love. To show me how love actually feels.
The happiness of love, the sweetness of love and Lord. to show me the meaning of life.
And I pray this all in Jesus' name, Amen"
Now I want to turn into your past sinful life, towards you.
Please forgive me and please help me aviod sinning again.
I invite Jesus into my heart, to fill me with His love.. to take away the hurts I feel.
Lord, I pray you engulf me with Your love. To show me how love actually feels.
The happiness of love, the sweetness of love and Lord. to show me the meaning of life.
And I pray this all in Jesus' name, Amen"
Shuqing gave me this prayer.. it was this which I felt exonerated and resilient. Furthermore, gratefully thankful to..
Someone and gestures came visit me... alleviating the chaos in my heart, mind and soul. ... filling me with the comfort of making me restore thy peace, as though draining thy ambivalence. Affirmed, I'm enlightened of forgivance.
I've always been a "slower". I suppose it takes Time for me to let go...
De one with Love of the Schizophrenia
Unpredictable weather
It's been 15 days since the breakup. It took my alot of courage to blog this entry...
I wouldn't deny that this 15 days have been as disastrous as Hell. It was filled with torture, heartpain, suffering, ultimate misery, loneliness and crying... In the milst of all this intense emotional moment, another side of Jason came to exist. It's schizophrenia. I supposed so.
Like the Phoenix in X-men, I developed another side of me. Someone born of split personality.
Jason was not the sweet, innocent, gullible kind soul..but someone beyond imagined, limitedlessly strong... someone filled with rage, dominance and emotionless.
I, or it's the "J"ason..said and did stupid things which were not supposed to be. He end up causing damage to thyself and people who loved me so much. I want to scream out loud that I was not to be blame. However, it was all in that instance when I lost my senses and rationality, "J"ason took over.
Why!?! Why does it have to be me? I cry every time.. The miserable song keeps playing in my head. That guilt is awfully causing me to be unable to sleep, study and live. I really feel it was the end of the world. Everything I see, hear, smell or touch, I just can't be reminded of the pain inflicted on me by the person whom I thought I could open and share my entire life with.
I was wrong.. dissappointed? angry? cheated? I really don't know what to feel. You know what breaks and crumple a person? It is learning the secrets which the person whom you trusted and cared entirely, more than anyone else in your entire life. The feeling when you see how dark you've been lured into.
As much as "J"ason's actions or my defensive measure are unjustified (after learning the consequences).. I beg not to be condemned or entirely convicted of my wrong doings. I'd always believe in Newton's 3rd Law of Matters : "Every process has an equal and opposite reaction force". Everything occur due to a reason. This was imprinted into my memory by -A-.
I've ever considered and even exacuted ending my life... Yes, alot of people will comment it's really foolish and dumb. However, I'm that innocent. I thought it was the only way to erase my entire life..this life borned wrong in the first place. I really want to start a new life afresh. However, I want to specify, I didn't commit this way to use it as a threat to make the person responsible for this to come back to me.
I've really learnt.. somethings in life ain't meant to be yours, no matter how you try, it will never will itself to you. In being persistent, you may be widening the distance instead of bridging the gap in between.
Then again.. somethings in life which we want to achieve and really give our heart and soul for it, there are still alot..or a bunchful which are just taking adventage of you...
All in all, there were no excuses or invention of "J"ason. The phoenix in me was truly awakened. It's the same person whom everybody has. He's the one who make you feel comforted after your prayer. He's the one who endure you through your challenges. For me...thyself...so frightened and fearful of him.
It's been 15 days since the breakup. It took my alot of courage to blog this entry...
I wouldn't deny that this 15 days have been as disastrous as Hell. It was filled with torture, heartpain, suffering, ultimate misery, loneliness and crying... In the milst of all this intense emotional moment, another side of Jason came to exist. It's schizophrenia. I supposed so.
Like the Phoenix in X-men, I developed another side of me. Someone born of split personality.
Jason was not the sweet, innocent, gullible kind soul..but someone beyond imagined, limitedlessly strong... someone filled with rage, dominance and emotionless.
I, or it's the "J"ason..said and did stupid things which were not supposed to be. He end up causing damage to thyself and people who loved me so much. I want to scream out loud that I was not to be blame. However, it was all in that instance when I lost my senses and rationality, "J"ason took over.
Why!?! Why does it have to be me? I cry every time.. The miserable song keeps playing in my head. That guilt is awfully causing me to be unable to sleep, study and live. I really feel it was the end of the world. Everything I see, hear, smell or touch, I just can't be reminded of the pain inflicted on me by the person whom I thought I could open and share my entire life with.
I was wrong.. dissappointed? angry? cheated? I really don't know what to feel. You know what breaks and crumple a person? It is learning the secrets which the person whom you trusted and cared entirely, more than anyone else in your entire life. The feeling when you see how dark you've been lured into.
As much as "J"ason's actions or my defensive measure are unjustified (after learning the consequences).. I beg not to be condemned or entirely convicted of my wrong doings. I'd always believe in Newton's 3rd Law of Matters : "Every process has an equal and opposite reaction force". Everything occur due to a reason. This was imprinted into my memory by -A-.
I've ever considered and even exacuted ending my life... Yes, alot of people will comment it's really foolish and dumb. However, I'm that innocent. I thought it was the only way to erase my entire life..this life borned wrong in the first place. I really want to start a new life afresh. However, I want to specify, I didn't commit this way to use it as a threat to make the person responsible for this to come back to me.
I've really learnt.. somethings in life ain't meant to be yours, no matter how you try, it will never will itself to you. In being persistent, you may be widening the distance instead of bridging the gap in between.
Then again.. somethings in life which we want to achieve and really give our heart and soul for it, there are still alot..or a bunchful which are just taking adventage of you...
All in all, there were no excuses or invention of "J"ason. The phoenix in me was truly awakened. It's the same person whom everybody has. He's the one who make you feel comforted after your prayer. He's the one who endure you through your challenges. For me...thyself...so frightened and fearful of him.
Monday, September 25, 2006
De one with Jason is Dead
Death lurks...
As of today, Jason is dead................................................................................................................................
As of today, Jason is dead................................................................................................................................
De one with Life Stood Still
Everyday's just as gray
It's been a week already. Yet, nothing has changed. Except the distance between Sweet and me is getting further and further. Sweet's being more and more irritated than bothered about me.
Life's really slowing down... as though the engine has ran out of battery.. deteriorating gradually, filling every space of my heart with pure sadness, suffocating me with no meaning. Every person has a meaning to live for and to live on by.. guess this is what becomes of me when something significant in my life, has gone missing.
I know there are other things in life. However, seems they are not as important and what I really need. Undeniably, I am finally collapsing and breaking down, comprising my rationality, mind and soul. It feels a hundred times more painful than death. At least, dead is sudden most of the time and it only last a moment. It's alot better because you wouldn't have the capacity to deal with the post-occurance period.
Suddenly, all my life's trouble, tickled down to the very insignificant ones are surfacing. Each demanding and pressurising me, pushing me to a corner. Everything's gone bad. Relationship with family. Friends who I can't relate my sadness to. Fear of troubling people. Grabbing to hope for a better change. Struggling against the odds. Persistence for a truth from someone who is not sure, worst, delibrately suspending you. Sweet. Mid-semester exam. Final examination due in 30 days' time. Financial problems. My current life unluckiness.
Yes, everybody has been hurt. But I'm really devastated because I've been bottling everything inside my heart. Capped with a wonderful relationship with Sweet who I confide in, that's why I put so much effort and heart into it. Little did I expect the "cap" wasn't how good I thought it was. End up, the cap popped loose itself. It even cut me when I was trying to get it back again.
I'm really turning into living dead. A heart overpouring with troubles, endless misery. Flooding and drowning me in it.
='(
It's been a week already. Yet, nothing has changed. Except the distance between Sweet and me is getting further and further. Sweet's being more and more irritated than bothered about me.
Life's really slowing down... as though the engine has ran out of battery.. deteriorating gradually, filling every space of my heart with pure sadness, suffocating me with no meaning. Every person has a meaning to live for and to live on by.. guess this is what becomes of me when something significant in my life, has gone missing.
I know there are other things in life. However, seems they are not as important and what I really need. Undeniably, I am finally collapsing and breaking down, comprising my rationality, mind and soul. It feels a hundred times more painful than death. At least, dead is sudden most of the time and it only last a moment. It's alot better because you wouldn't have the capacity to deal with the post-occurance period.
Suddenly, all my life's trouble, tickled down to the very insignificant ones are surfacing. Each demanding and pressurising me, pushing me to a corner. Everything's gone bad. Relationship with family. Friends who I can't relate my sadness to. Fear of troubling people. Grabbing to hope for a better change. Struggling against the odds. Persistence for a truth from someone who is not sure, worst, delibrately suspending you. Sweet. Mid-semester exam. Final examination due in 30 days' time. Financial problems. My current life unluckiness.
Yes, everybody has been hurt. But I'm really devastated because I've been bottling everything inside my heart. Capped with a wonderful relationship with Sweet who I confide in, that's why I put so much effort and heart into it. Little did I expect the "cap" wasn't how good I thought it was. End up, the cap popped loose itself. It even cut me when I was trying to get it back again.
I'm really turning into living dead. A heart overpouring with troubles, endless misery. Flooding and drowning me in it.
='(
Friday, September 22, 2006
De one with Tears of Thy Heart
Moody all day
It's the last day of the week, everyone is happy and blissfully spending time with their loved ones at home, dinner and movie.. or even a loving stroll in the park. All these were the past for me..
It's been the 3rd day since the "verdict". Yet, inevitably... the tears of thy heart (sigh~) keeps flowing like there's no tomorrow.. :'c
Though exams are not over.. and it's Tuesday. However, I really can't concentrate. Unknowingly, I feel so forsakened. I can't even feel God carrying me on his back...
Everywhere I go, everything I see and the dreadful memories of Sweet, just keeps my heart tearing. I was with Mohan the day before. I couldn't help crying when I was dinning at Pasta Mania, having recalled Sweet doesn't like unhealthy sweet ice-lemon tea. That Sweet always accomodate me and compromise with Sweet's distaste for sweet syrup drink and pasta. I walked past Cineleisure's Bits and Pieces, that was the place we chose our couple rings. Went Hereen and all the memories of our arguments just flow.
Yesterday, I was with Clara at Jurong Point.. remember Sweet and I ate at the foodcourt upstairs. We went IMM..recalled Sweet and I was running wildly to look for a protective screen for our new couple SGH-E900. I was at 7-11, wanting to buy a drink, I saw Mr Softee.. made me recall it was Sweet and my childhood favourite. Clara and I ate Sundaes at Mac. Recalled Sweet and I ate Sundae at Bras Basah's Mac.
Zhen Ze, Guan Hui and I ate Subway today.. made me remember Sweet and I shared a delicious "footlong" honey-oak sandwich. Today, I put on a brave front but I was really crying so painfully in my heart as I eat in silence.
Came home only to hear my granny crying.. over my Motherless younger brother, who was punished my aunt for misbehaving. It feels like everything is collapsing down on me... I'm really hurt enough..
"The "rain" within my heart is downpouring,
Yet it doesn't wet her hair.
Tears dipping on the card's sentiment,
That heartpain has no delay.
The "rain" within my heart is downpouring,
It still doesn't wet her in anyway.
The chilling wind breeze through the twigs in the porch
As it withers the rose in my palm."
- Xin Yu, translated (Jay Chou's Still Fantasy)
I am really miserable... really really filled with nothing but pure, absolute heart-break and loneliness....
"And I know, it's only in my mind..
That I'm talking to myself
And not to him...
And although I know that he is blind...
Still I say
There's a way for us
I love him, but everyday I'm learning
All my life, I've only been pretending
Without me, his world will go on turning
A world that's full of happiness
That I've ever known..."
- Eponine, in love with Marius (Les Miserables)
Please, grant me a Sweet,lift me from my solitary despair
Else, bring me away
:''(
It's the last day of the week, everyone is happy and blissfully spending time with their loved ones at home, dinner and movie.. or even a loving stroll in the park. All these were the past for me..
It's been the 3rd day since the "verdict". Yet, inevitably... the tears of thy heart (sigh~) keeps flowing like there's no tomorrow.. :'c
Though exams are not over.. and it's Tuesday. However, I really can't concentrate. Unknowingly, I feel so forsakened. I can't even feel God carrying me on his back...
Everywhere I go, everything I see and the dreadful memories of Sweet, just keeps my heart tearing. I was with Mohan the day before. I couldn't help crying when I was dinning at Pasta Mania, having recalled Sweet doesn't like unhealthy sweet ice-lemon tea. That Sweet always accomodate me and compromise with Sweet's distaste for sweet syrup drink and pasta. I walked past Cineleisure's Bits and Pieces, that was the place we chose our couple rings. Went Hereen and all the memories of our arguments just flow.
Yesterday, I was with Clara at Jurong Point.. remember Sweet and I ate at the foodcourt upstairs. We went IMM..recalled Sweet and I was running wildly to look for a protective screen for our new couple SGH-E900. I was at 7-11, wanting to buy a drink, I saw Mr Softee.. made me recall it was Sweet and my childhood favourite. Clara and I ate Sundaes at Mac. Recalled Sweet and I ate Sundae at Bras Basah's Mac.
Zhen Ze, Guan Hui and I ate Subway today.. made me remember Sweet and I shared a delicious "footlong" honey-oak sandwich. Today, I put on a brave front but I was really crying so painfully in my heart as I eat in silence.
Came home only to hear my granny crying.. over my Motherless younger brother, who was punished my aunt for misbehaving. It feels like everything is collapsing down on me... I'm really hurt enough..
"The "rain" within my heart is downpouring,
Yet it doesn't wet her hair.
Tears dipping on the card's sentiment,
That heartpain has no delay.
The "rain" within my heart is downpouring,
It still doesn't wet her in anyway.
The chilling wind breeze through the twigs in the porch
As it withers the rose in my palm."
- Xin Yu, translated (Jay Chou's Still Fantasy)
I am really miserable... really really filled with nothing but pure, absolute heart-break and loneliness....
"And I know, it's only in my mind..
That I'm talking to myself
And not to him...
And although I know that he is blind...
Still I say
There's a way for us
I love him, but everyday I'm learning
All my life, I've only been pretending
Without me, his world will go on turning
A world that's full of happiness
That I've ever known..."
- Eponine, in love with Marius (Les Miserables)
Please, grant me a Sweet,lift me from my solitary despair
Else, bring me away
:''(
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
De one with The Verdict
Fluming day
Whatever I was feeling sad and insecure took it's final leash and then came a harsh-derserving verdict: Sweet is no longer in love with me anymore.
I don't know who to blame. I was persistent once again, filled with misery-converted-to-rage too. All I could think of was I find it very difficult to let go. It really hurt deep inside as if my heart is bleeding profusely.
Deserve it? I think not. I really deny that the culprit is me for this turn of events. Neither do I want to blame Sweet. As much as I'm hopeful for a miracle.. let's just blame that Sweet and I are not fated.
I feel overly sinful ever since our final confrontation. Judging the measures I've taken and trouble caused. I though I could hang out this rage. However, by now, I've started to regret and repent. I really hate me being someone so evil who I detest..
I've forsakened the 4-faced Bhurma's blessed gift to me. Right now, I can do nothing but start into blank, letting the tears of regret, guilt, misery, flow out unstoppably from my eyes.. filled with ultimate desperation for hope and resentment.
Whatever I was feeling sad and insecure took it's final leash and then came a harsh-derserving verdict: Sweet is no longer in love with me anymore.
I don't know who to blame. I was persistent once again, filled with misery-converted-to-rage too. All I could think of was I find it very difficult to let go. It really hurt deep inside as if my heart is bleeding profusely.
Deserve it? I think not. I really deny that the culprit is me for this turn of events. Neither do I want to blame Sweet. As much as I'm hopeful for a miracle.. let's just blame that Sweet and I are not fated.
I feel overly sinful ever since our final confrontation. Judging the measures I've taken and trouble caused. I though I could hang out this rage. However, by now, I've started to regret and repent. I really hate me being someone so evil who I detest..
I've forsakened the 4-faced Bhurma's blessed gift to me. Right now, I can do nothing but start into blank, letting the tears of regret, guilt, misery, flow out unstoppably from my eyes.. filled with ultimate desperation for hope and resentment.
Sunday, September 17, 2006
De one with Loo Wan
CHRONICLES Of CHUM
Tan Loo Wan. Very candid most of the time.. vocal too and a hell leader of charisma.
He was the first person I befriended when I first entered SRJC after "first 3 months". He was Pi-yi Secondary School uniform when we became friends and accompany each other during our very first lecture which was mathematics.
I recalled the very first time, we were chased out of our first Economics lecture since both of us forgotten to bring our lecture notes. Because of this, Loo Wan became the Class Rep..while I became the Assistant Class Rep. However, I didn't do much (as I've always kept low profile). So another girl shared the position with me.
We're pretty good friends, he's very caring towards his peers and "buay pai seh" (not scared of embarrassment in Hokkien) type of person We even landed in the same GP class for two years.
He's an expert in table tennis, which landed him to become the President of table tennis club. The girls used to tease that he has "big butt". We guys like to say he has a long neck which is part of what enable him to do so much chin-ups. Hehe
Loo Wan always love eating. He's always exggeratingly late most of our meeting. He's pretty closed to Jessamine, another girl in our "tribal gang". Always tease her of eating too much beef.
Like me, he went through BTM (except his was direct, I was Enhanced), then SISPEC in Alpha Coy (slack lah) and he got posted to become a Recce scout Sgt in Infantry.
Currently he's doing a degree in Business Administeration at SMU. Good luck Loo!
Tan Loo Wan. Very candid most of the time.. vocal too and a hell leader of charisma.
He was the first person I befriended when I first entered SRJC after "first 3 months". He was Pi-yi Secondary School uniform when we became friends and accompany each other during our very first lecture which was mathematics.
I recalled the very first time, we were chased out of our first Economics lecture since both of us forgotten to bring our lecture notes. Because of this, Loo Wan became the Class Rep..while I became the Assistant Class Rep. However, I didn't do much (as I've always kept low profile). So another girl shared the position with me.
We're pretty good friends, he's very caring towards his peers and "buay pai seh" (not scared of embarrassment in Hokkien) type of person We even landed in the same GP class for two years.
He's an expert in table tennis, which landed him to become the President of table tennis club. The girls used to tease that he has "big butt". We guys like to say he has a long neck which is part of what enable him to do so much chin-ups. Hehe
Loo Wan always love eating. He's always exggeratingly late most of our meeting. He's pretty closed to Jessamine, another girl in our "tribal gang". Always tease her of eating too much beef.
Like me, he went through BTM (except his was direct, I was Enhanced), then SISPEC in Alpha Coy (slack lah) and he got posted to become a Recce scout Sgt in Infantry.
Currently he's doing a degree in Business Administeration at SMU. Good luck Loo!
De one with Messenger
Cold & Chilling
I'm not denier of fate.
Neither am I strong enough to lose
Nor good enough to deprived you of your dreams
As much as I hope thous can be like me
Seek peace in living
A life to deliver help, joy
Bringing smile to almost everybody
For I'm a messenger
I don't have a choice
Like you or many others
I'm always the in-between
For I'm bounded by fate
I understand..
"Thou canst not speak of thou canst not feel"
- Romeo to Friar Lawrence in R&J
But before you made your decision
When the rightful tie comes
Please "think of me"
- Christine Dale in Phantom of the Opera
It's now not about you yourself
I'm included, I hope so
And never regret
Because you're going on a road of no return
Even if you do
And go through to other people
Your heart is forever stained
With my blood of passion
Which now thee only see as
Something of contamination and sinful
Even the angels shall weep for me
Pray not for an answer
But plead for the one you believe
To fetch thy soul away
For a faraway haven
And never seen again
I'm not denier of fate.
Neither am I strong enough to lose
Nor good enough to deprived you of your dreams
As much as I hope thous can be like me
Seek peace in living
A life to deliver help, joy
Bringing smile to almost everybody
For I'm a messenger
I don't have a choice
Like you or many others
I'm always the in-between
For I'm bounded by fate
I understand..
"Thou canst not speak of thou canst not feel"
- Romeo to Friar Lawrence in R&J
But before you made your decision
When the rightful tie comes
Please "think of me"
- Christine Dale in Phantom of the Opera
It's now not about you yourself
I'm included, I hope so
And never regret
Because you're going on a road of no return
Even if you do
And go through to other people
Your heart is forever stained
With my blood of passion
Which now thee only see as
Something of contamination and sinful
Even the angels shall weep for me
Pray not for an answer
But plead for the one you believe
To fetch thy soul away
For a faraway haven
And never seen again
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