De one with Ghost Town

Back-track

Before I forget, please please please let me rewind the time back to 23:58. For I have yet to wish my beloved country and nice friend, Darren, a very huge Happy Birthday!

Resetting time back to present, when I thought I'd be super patriotic to dawn my red-striped shirt to work, I woke up with a migraine. Qing, tsk tsk, you must have pass it on via the texts we sent to other another last night. The nerves at my temples were literally pounding to very resonance to my eardrum. It's as if a mischievous toothfairy had implanted a loud speaker into my ear when he couldn't find any tooth to collect. All vibration amplified to my brain, causing my head to spin in ache.

It seemed like an unluckiest day, inaugural to the lunar seventh month. More prone to injuries than normal while at work. I got knocked in the ribs when moving too fast to my seat and banged onto the wall. Next, I got a paper cut from a stack of freshly print documents. Sigh.

Just before I conclude the evening, thinking the inauspicious had taken its toll on me, I end up attending class alone. My course-mate Jocelyn was nowhere in sight. Sigh. But that's not to bad la, dreadful but I needed to acquire from the lecture, accompany or no accompany. It feels just like secondary or jc days. Independence.

Believe and hope my circumstances would improve. Ar-char ar-char ar-char (jiayou in korean)!!

De one with The One

Thoughts and wordings

Everybody talks, yearns and desires their very own "the one". It could be a thing, a wedding ring, a dream job position, a school to attend...most commonly, "the one" often refers to a soul-mate.

I couldn't help but be half-amused and half-embarrassed having recalled my confessions to my exes. As far as I recalled I told and was being told we're "the one", often tagged with either the "last" (the last one) or "and only" (the one and only). The way that it sounds clinche which makes my cheeks glow. Now that I relived the moment these words came out of my mouth, it reset my heart, mind and soul to reconsider the depth and genuine of the words.

While I can't justify how true my exes meant those words were, I could well make a close guess. I supposed "no" because they were cases of the ex. If you'd care to ask further whether I meant what I said a decade ago, *lowers my chin for awhile and lift up again*, am afraid I have to say "no, I didn't".

"Why?" you might probe further. Having considered the ugly endings or the blatant unwind of events, hidden secrets each of us were hiding from one another (be it to save ourselves, protect the other party, the fate of fates), my answers jolly well converge on "I couldn't have meant what I said". What was true might be for the moment the words were formed, like a carat ring essential to close the deal, elevates our confessions to a level more convincing with our partners.

What's past and present can be dealt with. The ultimate wary lies within what the future beholds. Age yields experience and experiences in turn affect our perspectives, behavior and the way we react eventually. It seemed more is required of us to "fall for another person" after who, what, where and when you've encountered, lest to say it's twice as difficult to get head-over-heels over someone. Do I have to comment further how painfully demanding it is to tell someone "you're the one" largely because you can't be certain what would be the outcome inspite of knowing how weighty these words are.

Or not... we could be stalking time.. living pretentious relationship filled with lies and other unhealthy situations which puts all of us committing similar mistakes to utter shame. Shows how much integrity and maturity we sinners lack. The fact that we are grown ups and still unable to carry meaning to your vocal-expressions. Gosh, we ought to be careful about what we say.

(Photo in courtesy of www.jerryhart.com)

De one with Salt

Bore and daring as ever

The rare diamond sparkles at the slightest fade of light. How do I differentiate a star? Agree totally with Kylie Minogue, it's in their eyes.

In courtesy of flavorwire.com

Rare as can be, Angelina Jolie is one of those distinct as one. Yes, you can go on relating her as one of the sexiest women, her full-lips, slim body. My opinion of her based on her steady eyes. She has this special gaze, like Chow Yun Fat, which makes it all worthwhile for her to make a scene without any lines or music to compliment.

Recently, I watched Angelina Jolie in SALT. Yesterday Clara commented "she looked better in dark colored hair" when she looked her in the cinema poster. I preferred the new blondie look. It makes her look like a composed real-life Barbie, refined lady. But I couldn't agree more with H, that woman has got the "killer" looks. Besides her beauty, she's got this ultra-cool look, it's tough telling if she's even acting or naturally being herself!

Weekends seemed to be blasted with movies. Speaking of my hunger for it for the past month. *gigs*. First was Inception, Air Bender, and recently, Salt. Sorcerer's Apprentice? My gut feeling tells me not to. Sorry if you are a post-movie turned big fan.

The movie was pretty a blast. No, not because Angelina Jolie (the second woman in the world I labelled as "hot" or she's a few left-handed) was in it, as I told Clara when she'd guessed. If compared with Inception, SALT is less complex, more actions but nonetheless brilliant twist. And.. you'll only need to watch it once to fully understand it. Haha.

I guess, I prefer watched action flicks nowadays. And yes, those with alot of twist that make me sit up and think "so this was how it begun in the beginning" or "wuao, who would have ever thought so". What about your preference? Has it changed lately?

De one with Way Finding

Present memory

Shots in flashes. Ready. Begin.

*snap* The buzzling crowd.

(Photo from "http://farm4.static.flickr.com")

*snap* Crossing the road..

*snap* Bugis.

Pause and play. The most uncommon sight of an old lady, with permed white hair, dressed in purple flora shirt and brown stretch pants. There she stood, amongst the flow of perspiration-moist people. As though she was a twig, rooted on the riverbed, as human flow passed her. The evening time had came to a halt, the matrix effect launched but it didn't deter my eyes from filming this perfect sight.

The scene rolled on. As if it was all part of a script, the old lady moved the walking-stick a quarter-meter ahead of her before moving her feet toward her only means of support. Just when you though she would move again, her soft eyes glazed gently toward the snack-store, filled with another buzzling crowd. Had you been in my shoes, could anyone not feel your heart dissolved. My conscience sang a chorus, repeating an idea to approach her without prejudice, without guard, without skepticism, without harm to offer all you had to assist that old person.

Despite my thoughts, a lightening-span dilemma hesitated my offer. I thought to myself: "There's no way this old lady would be alone. If she were, she wouldn't have choose to be in the mainstream crowd.". I thought so, and rapidly regretted not having tried to ask. But I couldn't stop. Doing so would only jam up the narrow passageway. Not that it couldn't get any narrower.

And I thought, what if the old lady couldn't find her way through the annoying crowd if she's genuinely alone. I looked back to see if the old lady continued to walk alone to confirm my doubts. There was no sight of her. Which derived me relieve - her family members must be with her.

Way finding could be tough when you're alone. The better out of this? You'll come out brave when you find your own exit. I certainly never find myself occupied with Sunday plans until my abrupt acceptance to LW's message. This acceptance to go out in plain T-shirt, berms, my vintage 6 year old slippers and loyal braun wallet led me further to unimagined long hours spent having a whole new virgin experience lunching, a midshift dessert affair at a nostalgic place and detoured encounter with Cluedo over coffee.

My two-years-less-a-decade good friend LW lived up to his promise to take us to lunch with his first week's pay. Silly guy. What didn't occurred to me was to lunch at Muthu's, consuming dough and curry fish-head in the afternoon. Curry without rice, without using eating utensils, without the fear of table etiquette because touching your food with your hands, in a restaurant, was permitted.

The three "usual" us came equipped with deflated guts. We walked down to Ah Chew under the hot weather and treated ourselves with desserts. This place really brings back memories. It was as though it was yesterday Chin Yu and I were sipping the same sago during our pre-ORD lau-period.

We were bored and out of ideas after aimless walks around Bugis. Was on the verge of taking a train home when my company called me to tell me they were still outside the toilet where I went 5 minutes ago. LW said he needed coffee. Without warming my seat at the train platform, I found myself tapping out of the control station and reunite with them. Bought a Cluedo and walked all the way to TCC, to play, chill and laughed the remains of our Sunday away.

The big-time entertainer award for the day had to go to Clara who amazed us continuously during our Cluedo sessions. In case you need a refresher-course, Cluedo is a detective game. It's about drawing conclusions with the limited information you owe, make accusations to solve a fictional murder case. The winner is the one who reveal correctly the murderer, weapon commit the murder and where the murder occurred. Our amusing friend, "Cocker-nathan-Clara" made our jaws drop with the following:

1) She made a wrong accusation with the clue which she was holding on to. Ya, she only realised when she opened the confidential cards.

2) She made a silly four steps move, hoovering around the murder venue of which she had deciphered. Obvious gaveaway to LW who was actually clueless before he spotted her folly.

3) She took her turn when it wasn't her turn. O.M.G.

To all good things come an end, and so did our impromptu meet. We bid goodbye with partial memories of laughter, partial relieve it's a public holiday the morning after and partial anticipation to our next meetup soon.

De one with The Last High-hoper

Just-In-Time

Managed to catch The Last Air-bender three hours ago. Hmm.. not pretty bad show. A few good old graphic effects when these element-benders conjure their super-abilities. But... the storyline was delivered right at the start which it'd be most appropriate to say "the movie definitely has got air, water, earth and fire except an element of surprise". *Fold my arms* I'd give a 2 out of 5 popcorns if I were to be the critic for the house. Cast wise, not idea, well...that's how young starts are born I guess.

Since this is Book One: Water, audiences (I suppose the kids and those noisy teenagers sitting behind me) would look forward to Book Two. The last part was inserted abruptly, as if in the case of us slotting in an Annex just because we forgot to include some critical parts and time had run out for the assignment to be handled up. The finale was desperately trying to announce there's a sequence. Tsk tsk, giveaway.

Oh well, the lesson for the day - I realised my movie experience requires a high-flying score with concentration, accompany, the movie and venue. Any of these get stained with glitches and it will cost me the evening's experience to turn sour. Was head-over-heels premiering my Dolce until this guy came into his seats late, stepped onto it. Shoes are intangibly unfeeling. I, on the other hand, literally felt my heart ache.

Company does matter, if he/she leans too close to you and saturate your nostrils with the strong fragrance on his/her clothes, kiss your entertainment goodbye. As much as I was trying to follow through the screenplay, the plumage in my nose injunct me so. Musky is good. Too musky, guys, let's just take a break with the spray shall we?

The venue. *cracks my knuckles*. Selection of venue is vital. Imagine a wedding dinner at a kopitiam. It's the surrounding, seats, behavior of other audiences which ultimately affect your mood. If you ask me for my opinion, going to an over-crowded Cineleisure when I'm in executive wear - n.o. w.a.y. Never will I do that again. Cross thy heart. It's just unbearably noisy, filled with young kids. Hades, recall back some of these souls please.

Ok, perhaps I am temperamental. Ageing la. What to do? As we fret over ageing, it is comforting to know other things don't. Like this one!

Recently, my decisions miraculously get more reassured despite they were mere insignificant choices without much thought. I worked so hard my eyes hurt this week. Hence, my temporarily blindness let my feet taxi me around. Before I knew it, it brought me to Swarovski. I inquired with the sales assistant for the annual Christmas Kris bear. In fact, I dialed Vivocity before heading out. Both gave me disappointing replies. Inspite of  "judgmental advise" to soothe me (as a customer), the stock had already arrived today. This day that seemed vid and grey suddenly turned bright as I touched this tiny piece of delight and ornament of luck.

Certainly, a silver sparkling lining after grey clouds (that's more like it). The reunited of thy "petite colony". Yeay!

De one with Dolce & Gabbana

Specificity

In times of uncertainty, some Christians step into their church; the sick steps into the neighborhood; the coffee addict steps into Starbucks while I found myself stepping to Ion. And did I bid "losing faith" hallelujah when the "adoption" of twins went through smooth and swift.

Well, certainly not identical twins but still, they are made out of the same material, same matt-shiny texture, same designers, same branding, same place of "adoption", same "guardian" and wah-lah! They almost even belong to similar $$ range.

May I present the latest adopted pair of shoes from the latest autumn-winter 2010 Dolce & Gabbana collection. Yup, it turns out these happened to be the latest most-sought after "craze" in the house of J. Can't take your eyes off. Dashing and Gorgeous indeed.

Where did "losing faith" begun with? On the south side of thy heart, a series of meaningless events seemed drained out my faith so much so that I found myself unknowingly alienating people around me. It's bad but you see I've spent time to select presents, paid on their behalf, spent time to have dinner, even reject a hard-to-come-by request to join an expensive YOG opening ceremony preview. At the end of the day, I sat at Xin Wang Cafe, ate half a plate of the black pepper chicken rice and felt nothing. Did I mention my eyes were bitter and kinda swollen from the late nights of decorating cards. Thanks to me coming with the idea of replacing normal birthday cards with poker cards with personal birthday messages instead.

I tried my best to be awake and appear interested coz I knew how weird the birthday star wold feel like another is aloof at the table. But at the end of the day, I never felt a sense of belonging.

Honestly, even friends whom I thought they were, I couldn't face the truth that I was dispensable.. like some "wipe and throw wet tissue" you know. Or..or a wine glass, that's only needed when the wine is full and discarded away when its empty. And then I feel sorry for myself. Lose a grip and find myself like this.

It's like a game of poker. You regret, turn within your stomach coz you made the wrong bet. And hence, I decided to fold my cards and leave the table for someone else to play this inevitable failure game.

I met Bax for movie. Turns out I found that we had nothing to chat. I was trying. But he wasn't replying. And that I thought, no.. this is not how I wanted people to respond. It's the same with others. Abso-fu*kin-lutely tiring. Ya, go on and say everyone has a job. But imagine taking over my job for a day and tell me whether you are capable of behaving the same as I am, if the boot fits.

*Sigh*, I confided in Qing and she said "time to find a wife".

My natural reaction was to ask "Why?"

And her reply hit me like a stuck of the bell. "You're not young anymore".

Fair enough, we have reached certain age. That means we go a step higher be it in our career (put it plainly, they just want the money), some defend their argument at better maturity (perhaps something to complement their withering appearance), a great lot looking for a partner (bliss Qing and I'm happy you located that someone to grow with so soon). I was looking at none as I wasn't certain I've stocktaken any of my current achievement. This is when I need my close friends to tell, remind me. When I lift up my head, no one's in sight.

They say in life, no man's an island. But I protest and oppose strongly against that matter. People who did are initiators, the leaders of their life. But having done so doesn't mean a lonely man who gains and reserves everything for themselves. I chose the backstage works, do everything within my means to create, spare time and face all the messiness myself. Unfairly but sacrificially, I did everything I could... just to make the slightly impossible all possible.

People, especially Max and Hendri would "preach" that I have to love myself. It drilled in my head so well like a hot symbol imprinted into my memory during all my breakups. I do, I do, I do. But I need someone to support me whenever I fall.. a phonecall, just asking would in fact do; a flatter, the Leo me likes it; an unbiased truth, I can faced it; or even nothing to talk, just a hug, a present, a pat on the shoulder. And I worked so hard, perhaps too hard, Chris once said about me.. to earn everything that's good for people to talk about that sometimes I failed to note I'm born good and perfectly the way I expected myself to be.

I made a list of good friends, the good moments we shared. It's heartbreaking when knowing touched memories ain't much for retained-dwelling but commemorated and let go as time passes. You just can't keep reality and have to let it go. "How do you fill a cup that's already full". And yesterday, I threw away two Giodano jeans (since secondary school) so I could free more space my my growing newer ones. Philosophy in practice.

It's sad realising I had to brave it all, make the hard decisions and promise myself never to look back again. Reliant or not, it's time to donate unfruitful "investment" and continue to search for what best to salvage. Like confidence and other things which would save you troubles of worrying. For now, I have my Dolce and Gabanna shoes which I termed "the Twins". Thank you for keeping me proud and smiling.

De one with Re-entree

Not quite done confessing yet

I seriously don't understand what's the big fu*king problem with being yourself. I shop, get whatever I want, live a fortunate life. Who are people to judge us?

Stop being like someone you know about everyone. Sometimes, a fool is not fooler than the one who judges the fool.

Quit evaluating, start doing. Don't regret and *snap* you're in control. Of no one but yourself.

De one with Life Crisis

Confessions

Ave Maria, it'd better not be what I think it is.. wish I won't have to admit it but hurtfully, I think "quarter-life" crisis slammed.

Wait, didn't they say menopause wouldn't hit males until late 50s or something? Or worst, could this be a yucky second episode, repeat telecast of puberty?


It's just similar to how science can't explain the supernatural, feels sh*tty everything. I can feel all sunshiny, lit myself in flames and next moment, the rain's just persistent to extinguish the rays I emit.


And the sad part, I know very well "the toughed keeps the tough going". Smile graciously and optimism might just work like how a little pinch would save you from a serial nightmare. Gave it alot of shots, it all seems futile.


Calm down and think? Relax? It's taken a toll on me. It's like a body or mind that's not mine.  :(

De one with Over and Over Again

Would you?

What kind of weird habits or personal stuff would you occupy yourself with when you are feeling sad?

*Raising thy hand* I used to hide under the pillow casing and talk to my imaginary friends when I was below ten years of age. It seemed these imaginary friends left my mind as though through an exit door when age catches up and rationalism claimed its victory over the compartments in my brain. The victorious moment took place when I turned 13.

At 13, my loneliness ventured me into a delight of hiding in the school's library and drown myself in calmness. The tranquility enhanced with air-conditioning, muffled rowdiness behind cold tempered glass doors. It was an image of "heaven" back then.

That's passed. About now, I'd put on my running sneakers and go for an evening jog, perspire it out. I guess people curse and swear. I run and sweat it off. Clears my head and shake those downers out. This would be healthier and damn, not only do you feel better, you look better. What can I say, the sense of achievement further compliment the initial thought of dispelling my negativity.

Urban legend or clinche yet true. I drink. Not to the critical stage of turning myself into an alcoholic of course. Well, one can't deny the fact that having to be concerned with a spinning headache or overnight hangover  does help keep your mind off and somewhat even make you forget part of misery. Perhaps sadness drowned itself when we become sober enough to realise how silly I was being overly-concerned and unhappy. hmm.. Perhaps the alcohol lowered our guards like an opening floodgate, thereby enabling the easiness to speak, confess and confide with others. For me, it was a moment of relaxation and letting go. Its as though time has stopped when I could finally hear myself breathe.

Pragmatism warns us time waits for no man or boy. I hate it but that's just inherent in life. Hence, it gave me a reason to board on the bus, plug on my ipod music and weep the long journey back. And I never fail to tell myself, at the destination stop, I must compose myself and chuck every single bit of gloominess at the commuter's seat.

Food is the next thing that comes inevitably. Disappointingly all the gals out there, eating to crunch sorrows never really work. It's the entire opposite of running to chase your melancholy out of your system. It's like stacking more to whatever that's on the "sad quota" when I look myself in the mirror just before or after I showered. Uackk.

But I do have a tiny confession to make, SINS chocolate proofed itself an antidote whenever I broke up. It's something rrrrreeeaaallly abnormal. Stuff I'd never do - Eat sinfully.

Well, if your advice is to eat, why not having yourself a cheesecake. That's my favourite since Initial D depict a scene of a lovesick Jay Chou stuffing himself with cheesecake as he wanted for its creator to return his call. Oh, cheesecake goes hand in hand with caramel frappachino from Starbucks. If in luck and during the rarest occasion, you might just hear me say "the caramel is sweet. the coffee is better. Bittersweet. Which is why I drink it."

It is only recent that I realised the knick for gifts "embezzles" or "liquidates" the "woe account" in my central heart. Satisfaction from the best derives joy from the joy-deprived. Be beware when Jason shops, 1 sales assistance is not enough. You better have what I want, how I want you to ask friendlily, assist earnestly, smile glamorously and (most desirably) walk me to the door chauffeuring my shopping bags.  

Ultimately, nothing beats having a concerned soul call in just to check on me. You can have dispute with your partner, ugly experience with client, quarrels with friends, sucky day with work and all it takes is a phrase from the unexpected to light a spark to eradicate or wipe off those negativity infesting your heart like a droplet of black ink in a fishbowl of water, and bloom delights to keep you smiling when you turn in for the night.

Thank you.

De one with Misses

Muses in my head

As I steal some time to doze and peeked an episode of SNTC, didn't take long before missing thoughts bloomed in my mind.

What a heaven of things I miss. Aww.. the starbucks coffee, sweet and bitterness, a book, drizzle coolness.

Lazy afternoons, drawing, quiet lethargic moments.

Man, I missed so much.

De one with Prada Trauma

Case impossible #1

Crime scene     :  Prada Ion, #02-15, Cashier
Time of crime   :  7 - 8ish pm
Victim              :  Myself
Accomplice     :  Ms J.S Kwek

Witnesses        :  Female assistance, insignificant customers, $250 bear keychain

Headlines: THE IMPOSSIBLE ON MR IMPOSSIBLE


It occurs when you least expected. Correction, the victim in this instance. None of my belongings above $1K were ever paid on behalf by my exes, friends, dates, colleagues, f*** buddies, shopping buddies, Mohan. "Abso-fuc*kin-lutely" certain to my shopping history. Speaking of history, yes, indeed literally, this shopping phenomenon wrote off my past purchase into the history book. I had no choice but to have Ms Kwek paid on my behalf for my purchase.

Of course, I reimbursed her after much-efforted hunt for AXS from Ion down to PS.. in three installment. All thanks to my credit card which refusingly decline the credit which only exceeded by a mere $100, my Mastercard being suspected of fraud transaction, landing itself into "replacement in transit" status and my scatterbrain-iness on paying with NETs. Sigh.

Swore to all, never had I landed myself in such an embarrassing moment. Well, everyone could emphasize and comfort me to "Let it go! You paid eventually! It's good as you bought it" Yet proud to say, I've never let others paid for something I want to buy. But that's peanuts. The root of the problem is, Jason was helplessly in an "out of wits" position, particularly when I was at payment stage.

If there was a hole I could dig out of the Prada store carpet, I would. It completely ruined my subsequent shopping trip. Ask the accomplice, never get anything after trauma at Prada. I even detour to avoid going to my hotspot Tiffany. What an unforgettable drama. Now that I mentioned it, I can feel my goosebumps and hair "mari kita"-ing. OmG.

De one with Wishing for Age

Wish upon a star

Is it a lame or brave thing to be voicing out what you have always hoped for for your birthday?

Well, in office, your colleagues might have joked about it before. Sighing as they leave their remarks like "You know, why not tell us what you want for your birthday to make our present hunting (life) easier?". Greedy people or a less-offensive term would be "honest" people would feel obliged to tell. For all you know, they testify with their "consideration of not having" to waste people's money buying something that is the opposite of what they want. By at large, we choose not neither to sound-off or kiss and tell. While about 3% seriously meant it when they say: "No, I don't really need presents" and a scarce 2% would say "I've everything I need", probably 95% responses to such discretion on what we want on our birthdays might converge into the need for "surprise".

I was thinking since we are in the 21st century, why not be more vocal and spit out this tiny-greed for a perfect birthday gift. Come on, let you have the honor..

Without much thought, a popular guy might just reveal he's happy to have company. Well, this is pretty common during the celebrated 18th and 21st birthdays when peers and family organises big parties with all sorts of funny numberically shaped cakes, the youths will throw in cartons of booze and all night-long of excited screaming, hell lot of laughter and silly pranks.

A girl might be dreaming for a childhood dream come true. Imagine a cartoon stripe with this little girl, clasping both her hands tightly, eyes shut with cloud-bubbles appearing above her head. The stripe zooms into these cloud-bubbles which magically reveal a dreamy scene of either something from Tiffany, a handsome guy proposing, a tiara and god knows what.

A pauper yearning for survival as much as how the girl who sold matchsticks. They yearn for love, warmth, relationship, football, ambition-achievement and most crucially, a way to make quick cash and other means of freeing out of their existing miserable life.

Without the benefit of doubt, out of 10 persons, 8 might wish for tangible things. Which relates similar to what I might have in mind for perfect gift on my forthcoming quarter-century birthday.

No scums, no special someone, no colognes, no man's jewellery, no leather bags, no Ang-baos. I've always wanted a belt from Dolce and Gabbana's until last month when I finally picked up the courage and stride into the store at Taipei 101 alone. What else... (*finger to chin*)

I just really wish a large black sketchbook with photos, crappy writings, drawings of different stuff, things I love, things that people hate, love about me. Honest things about who I am through others' perspective. I don't know... maybe in the style of year book cause I realised I've been doing so much drawings, decorated stuff for others and never been given one before. Haha.

What other things people never really gotten for me? I don't know, a pair of drawn shoes? Shoes? Dolce belt (it's still on the "A" list)? A gorgeous photo of myself nicely framed? Oh well... birthday gifts are a killer to most. Especially for someone who's individualistic and attains everything he needs, wants and wishes for (eventually).

Oops, looks like I might have to change the opening tag. It looks like a galaxy had been wished upon!

De one with Advice

Quote to a new-found friend

Quarrels are like melted glue. When it cools, it patches your relationship back together firmly.

De one with Grea-dual-(fric)tion Trip

Summer, warm and fussy

"For now, these hot days, is the mad blood stirring." - Benvolio, Romeo and Juliet, Act III Scene I

Indeed Taiwan did touch my heart in two ways:

First and foremost, the country touché moi de sense of sight with the magnificent mountain-view at  九份, the "Abraham Lincoln" lookalike Chiang Kai-shek and Sun Yat-Sen colossal statues, a glimpse of the nature-made queens head rock at 野柳;

... Smell of fade smelly dou fu along 西門町, of sulphuric air from hot springs within 北投, of rich-burning joysticks within 龍山寺;

... Hearing the sounds of moving 臺北火車, welcoming greetings at shops in 五分埔; Hokkien-chinese accent of the locals when they reply to our road-direction inquiries;

... Taste of steaming hot chicken cutlet at 師大路夜市, 士林夜市, the juicy 小笼包 from 鼎泰丰 restaurant, monstrously sweet ice dessert, tear-wading spicy steamboat at 飞天麻辣火锅; salt water at the benches of 墾丁;


... Feel the strong winds while crossing to lovers' bridge at 漁人碼頭; what it's like being a child again at the miniature museum and taiwan storyland; the discovery of shops at Taipei 101 and 新光三越.

On the flip side of the Taipi 50 dollar coin, I realised the disintegrating seven year bond between the then and now "Tribal gang". Perhaps before I ratter on, here's an disclaimer footnote: Applicable for those who went on this "graduation trip". 

It turned out gender indifference does create friction amongst a group of friends. Indifference issues in particular relate to the way both genders think or thought. Once, a friend feedback his penny of thought that the softer (not weaker) gender prefers to conceal her thoughts, decisions. Ideally, she prefers to tag along and have the opposite gender to initiate and continuously, as a matter of fact, until he gets it right, ie the way she wants it to be. Interestingly, certain magazine columns and casual emails propagandising the "ugly truth" about the the +O and <-O support likewise coincidentally or equivalent. Amused and true, I observed the likeliest in an unlikeliest place - Taipei.


Of course, to be subjective, gender indifference couldn't be fully taken to blame. Perhaps communication could be another reason. A module I took taught us one of the fundamentals of effective communication includes a clear sender, desirable medium and a receiver who not only able to receive and comprehend the information from the sender but also, ability to feedback to the sender. Like in relationship or business transaction, without offers and replies, nothing ever gets commuted! Now combine gender characteristics and this barrier of unwillingness or what everyone thought was unnecessary to inquire or clarify, the team turned into lost sheeps despite having guidance from a pretty well-drawn up itinerary. Why?! Probably want to associate this with a little peek into psychology (not that I really studied or research) but economist quotes "human tend to conceal their wants until there's a market with suits his wants". No news means good news. No probing, everything's good.


Apart from the above, could it be the fault of our flight delay? Apparently, GK complained to me at the departure waiting hall perhaps it was due to the flight delay at the beginning which inevitably scrapped the first day's plan of activities. That resulted in our loss of direction as to where to go, what activities to execute and when. Force majure, there's a chance weather should be taken to stand. It reshuffled some of the itinerary.

At the end of the day, while Js, C and LW waged their thrashing out just before we board our flight home, I still couldn't figure out which of the above was the grande reason for the flopped trip. Even so, what it really that flopped given we never intended anything or objectives to attain for this trip.


May I present the minutes of "thrashing session":
Venue: Da Shun Hotel, Room 603.
Time: 12+pm, night of the unhappy incident at Ken-ding
Matters discussed:
1) C voiced about us doing things together, walk together and be merry. 
2) Js was dissatisfied we shunned the girls and walked away without telling anyone. Nobody was ever decisive on what to do.
3) LW being economical, didn't understand why we spend and do something majority didn't want to participate.


Regards to (1), I was doubtful and cynical, frankly speaking. They wanted shopping but we do not shop for the same things at the same store. How to do things and walk together. And at certain places when certain people are overwhelmed with the affordable buys, a completely different plan was presented with a tag which says "for practical reasons". *shrugs and shakes my head*


(2), I just don't get it. Sometimes, we tend to become insecure. No news means bad news instead of taking it literally that it means good news. The itinerary was done, we did a meeting to amend and perfect it a few nights earlier and it was specifically mentioned in the email that feedback are welcome (not compulsory). Ends up, we didn't abide by the itinerary. Flexibility was presented as an option to maneuver the unexpected change of events but it seemed unaccepted. Why does collectivism be practiced when it doesn't really work?

(3) economic is logical. But argument sustained. Indeed there's nothing wrong with spending so much traveling to the beach and doing different activities. While LW was fuming over the uncollected group activities, I was rather disappointed with lack of fun, hotties to admire and be admired, ineffective transport and last minute "play out". When you are under the impression of something and it falls short of what you expect or there's something we are unaware or not-informed, we tend to feel betrayed, unprepared. This feeling suck. 


Nonetheless, at the end of it, does the iron-ing out really matter? The left side of my brain exercises its logical thinking which set me thinking "how constructive it is, or what objectives can be achieved from a second thrashing out, so what if we "leave everything in Taipei", does it really mean bygones be bygones when we come back to Singapore and erased anything, everything that ever happened? If so, shouldn't this actualisation actually be effected and us being spared of any debacle thrash-out argument over a night's sleep?


Despite no grudges held, I can't deny the eventful trip made me realise. These realisations shot me and left quite a few bullet-scars in my memory. It made me reassess whether I have any life-long friends. Normally I'd only complain but I lost my temper. It forced me into doing stuff I dislike, for example smoking and to reconsider whether my bestest friend was indeed who I perceived he or she to be. My beliefs about everything, everyone were shook.


I knew everyone would fine it boring to tag along my shopping spree at places where I'd really be joyous and free. LW commented "Nobody is able to shop where you shop at!". So I took where opportunities present itselves to travel alone despite my fear of getting lost because I didn't know how to read the mandarin, it costs heavily to use my GPRS, overseas Wifi and sucks at pronouncing the places where I wanted to be. 


I didn't like crowded places, it's just too depressing and suffocating. Particularly at Wu Fen Pu and night markets where there's nothing I could buy whether it's size availability, quality, style or design. It's like Bugis village here. I'm the mismatch. And I hate it totally when you spot something you could afford but couldn't buy. Didn't confess until now, bear for two days, couldn't take it. That's why I decided, no, I have the right to get something that derives me satisfaction.
 
As much as I swore never to go to Taipei again, what breaks me heart was knowing our friendships weren't placed on solid grounds. Which was probably the root for friction to occur. Countless times I begun to feel even emptier the lack of sense of belonging. The fear of holding on to a rope which is thinning as it threads out the harder you pull or it brittle when it's left untouched. Who is there to believe in, huh..

De one with Do's, Maybe's and Don'ts.

Traffic lights

Do's:
Be confident, determined and hopeful in life. Everytime I look at the gold, silver and rosey bronze, I feel happy there's love, loyalty and friends to "lean" yourself on when you are down, "life" your good moods further up when and "live" a blissful life.

Do what your heart or gut tells you to.

Maybe's:
Not over-exploit your fate, luck and friendship. Avoid being too accommodate too much, bend over backwards. Sometimes it's better to wait then indulge yourself in a "grab and go" situation.

Don'ts:
Feel the world's at odds with you. Never be too sensitive or indecisive.

De one with Alot to Be

Wish list

Bet alot of times we wish we could better accomplish our desires. Be it a penny more to get the big bear from the coin-slot machine, a carat more to our engagement ring, a point more to get an A+, an advancement in career to a chance to be glamored on television. Truth is, only a one in a million is bliss with such miracle. Once at a time.

I wouldn't say "pray with me". Hope by all means, it's free. But I'd say, keep the dream alive nonetheless. It's only a matter of time.   :)

De one with Resentment (Part 2)

Same day

Just before I tipped on my Achilles heel, Apollo, Hermes and Aries paid me a dream-visit some nights ago. No words did they utter from their marble lips. Yet alluring smiles across their chiseled faces and firm pats on thy shoulders. As though they knew where my destiny was paved, and towards which I advanced. The lion in me awoke from sleep and fend the bull out of the bears situation.


"Please, frown not my boy", Aslan the lion groaned tenderly. "For the future is long but destined is same. Travel the less trampled roads and gather the fruits along-stray. Fear not, for it is how you stride upon. Not what."

I couldn't help but be amazed what movies can teach us sometimes. A dear one enveloped my downs and sealed it with a kiss. Air flown it to god-knows-where. It was that moment a light-match strike ablaze. To undergo rebirth, the phoenix has to be consumed by its flames (Mayday lyrics, 2007).

This indecisiveness and over-sensitivity have to stop. Stop worry. Rid procrastinating. And be brutally smart about things. Maintaining calm-mindedness is crucial. Don't flop. When things don't work my way, circumvent or pick an alternative without rushing into it. Just employ the same tactic when acquiring things, anything. Hesitate and you lose perseverance.

It becomes clear to what I need to do. Beware, J's bringing back the confidence, determination and onward fascination.

De one with Resentment (Part 1)

Match lighting

Sit down on your couch, give the television before your eyes a rest and let your relaxing mind have nothing to think of but yourself. This, many might either criticise me for my lack of sanity or sluggerness but...  do reconsider this option. Well, I did despite coughing and being slight-sneezy.

Although not extraordinary, it's always good to let your mind have a hibernation hiatus. Taking grace of a windy weekend. No, not asking you to stone. Rather, freed your mind from control, suffocating deadlines and other sorts of problems which cause nothing but premature ageing. Let it decides on what it present and mine, for once told me to evaluate what have I done in recent past few weeks.

JH, H and others who are concerned asked me similar question since the come of May. To be honest, without thinking, I fend them off with a general "I'm busy with work" reply without further justification or detailed complaints as to why. Attempted to face and address it through some heart-to-heart talk with someone else. Unfortunately, it turns out we end up discussing anything but the core issues instead. Lemme kiss and tell. Core issues? To be more specifically: my dilemma, restlessness and resentment.

Arh, "resentment" is the blinking word. Work has been shortlisted as the core ingredient for manifestation of the unpleasantness. Before you cook up all 1001 typical reasons, let me confess my equitable passion for the nature of my job scope. It's a profession and the "classic" feeling it derives, feeding my confidence. Sadly, little did I realise this gradual dissatisfaction lurking as the workload and time grew alongside. Unknowingly, my work productivity and progress into current assignments seemed to have underwent the "bears" period (downward condition in financial market terminology). I used to love sighing and complaining which never cease to help. I'm afraid this time, the grey clouds just wouldn't dissipate.

To let the cat out of the bag, *meow* it seems I'm failing. Oh boy, I am not graduating this semester all because an 8 marks short to passing for AFA. The worst is, I never shed a tear. Maybe split second of disappointment but it didn't wait long before I announced and admitted to all who asked I had not put in the necessary effort. What I didn't tell, it was actually the RT sessions, continuous wave of reports, decision-making sessions, presentation and single-handed audit jobs to up the ante which made it almost impossible to focus or the least apportion my time to committing to this.. unpleasant module which requires tonnes and awful lot of revision and practice. Consolidation, that is it! And I hate it. You see normally, I excel or perform better than expected at things of such, it just didn't come through this time. Personally, it's something which I have to decipher and eloquently familiarise myself with or comprehend, in order to do well or pass.

Beneath that poker-face, M and W commented, I swear to god, I felt like a failure. Having lost control between work and studies and even social life for goodness' sake. Social life. Hah. Alot of times people did asked me out. But I just withdraw or get down with petty illness like running nose, cough. My stubbornness to  consult the doctor came at the expense of faster recovery and effective medication.


Jeez... alot of times, there seemed to be no choice to fall back at. Burnt at both ends if you know what I mean. (to be continued)

De one with Wipe and Sparkles

Slash of the shimmering

Indeed a day to be enlightened!
Alas! Na.am (Yes in Arabic)!

Was washing my hand after relieving myself in the middle of the movie that I cast away all my doubts. Doubts pertaining to my decisions. Decisions concerning the things I purchase, words to say, gestures in behavior, choices to commit. Like life, just when I though the 12 diamonds on the Atlas ring had lost its shine, it twinkled as its facets captured the spotlight during hand-washing. That moment as though an angel had breathe life to a withered flower and it was all magic all over again.

Sidetrack for awhile. Went to watch Sex and the City 2. Generally it wasn't a matchset when compared to its first, this I agree. Perhaps there weren't much glamor. Production funds to doll up the ladies in high fashion, cosmetics and labels seemed to have been allocated to their film site at Abu Dhabi, United Arab Emirates. Highly probable to have cost a dynamite. The movie didn't end with marriage. Instead, it kick-start when gay marriage. What an appetizer to test how much you could appetite the openness of film. Less nudity, less joke but kinda easier to predict where the storyline was going towards.

It's about the same set of problems most women faced. It's all those issues after the look for love, after marriage. About being faithful, committed, sustaining passion, defending what's yours, a little pinch of suppressing your desires. Boy, there was this braless Nanny.. My my.. it's a mouth watering scene for all guys I guessed.

And one more thing I realised, people have seemed to stereotype goodlooking people who ain't married, as homosexuals. *rolls my eye* I wondered why.. What if people just haven't met the right one or they savor freedom of remaining single.

Realisation #3, I enjoy talking to people. And I got feedbacks strangers enjoy talking to me. And who says I'm not gregarious or charismatic enough? *Jason raises his hand*.

Final actualisation, I ain't as uncared for or unloved as I condemned myself to be. My family and certain friends adore me more than anybody in the world. Was blind to the fortunate sparkles around me. I have work experience (typed my CV yesterday), pretty things. More than never, I got most of all that I wanted. Self condemnation -- Wiped and gleam! 

De one with Vital Moment

Hard decisions

Got a demoralising news. Looks like I might not graduate in time with the rest. However, certain opportunities are around the bend. Should I wait till it's time or seize the prospective decisions before me?

*fingers tapping*