Hazy and warm day
Early morning, woke up around 9am and dragged myself for morning jog. Surprises just keeps appearing this week. Guess who did I see at Bishan Park? my secondary school mates, playing soccer. Well, I just wanted to concentrate on my jogging, so i didn't approach them. Hehe.
Well, it was a rather refreshing jog along Marymount Rd all the way up to Bishan Fire Station before making a U-turn down along Thompson Rd, cut into the Car Industrial Park and back to the park. Wuao...
After that, had two pages of printout for my assignment touch up. Just because I couldn't accept the header for two pages being too high. Hehe.. Perfectionist mah..
Made my way to AMK library. However there wasn't any unoccupied tables. So I studied for awhile at the sofa seats, beside this sweet lady. Unsatisfied, I decided to leave for Bishan library. Well..there were seats but the children at the children's section downstairs were too noisy. Hence, unable to find my conducive in the environment, I bunk off to Toa Payoh. Haha.
Toa Payoh Library was worst. There were so much people. Well.. I guess I wasn't in the right mood for studies. So I decided to take the day-off. Oops. Hehe.
I end up buying Akeelah and the Bee. An adaption from the summary. It's the inspirational story of Akeelah Andrerson, an 11-yr-old girl with a gift for words. Despite the objections of her mother, Akeelah enters various spelling contests, for which she is tutored by the forthright Dr. Larabee; her principal Mr. Welch and the proud residents of her neighbourhood. Akeelah's aptitude earns her an opportunity to compete for a spot in the Scripps National Spelling Bee and, in turn, unties her neighbourhood who witness the courage and inspiration of one amazing little girl.
The ending was moving. Akeelah and her strong competitor Dylan, won the double championship. In the movie, I heard of my favourite prose. It's about liberating the fear of ownself. Perviously heard from Coach Carter.
Well.. the movie awakened myself. The previous 21 years of my life was alot. I'm not that bad afterall. I've changed alot and achieved alot. From a shy, autistic boy to be more sociable and friendly guy. My secondary pursue and spirit for my military band and music. My passion for art. Coping with all the emotions. My leadership and capability in running during NS. And now, smart enough to be in SIM university doing a degree along the profession of my late mummy.
An add-on to my previous entry "De one with a Spark of Inspiration", I've always strived to do my best. I did. For once, I put away my humble and amplify my pride.
Life's really turning out good. Thankfully, the grey clouds shifted itself out from me which I thought was Eden. Oops. How silly I was.
Sunday, October 15, 2006
De one with A spark of Inspiration [Emolings]
Spreading thy wings and starting to soar
Have you ever been in a moment where you feel you've all the support of people surrounding you, feel that you can't be more appropriate and right possible in your entire life. I have. This iscalled LOVE. L. O. V. E.
It's the moment I'm truly myself. Just the way I like my life to be. No complications. Just simply me. It's gratifying.
Jason no longer cry anymore. Well.. there may be times I feel down. However, I'm proud to say, in all my life, I'm fortunately to say in all the relationships I've been through, I gave my best shot in it.
I did. Wholeheartedly... Genuinely.. Sincerely.
I'm truly happy and inspired by myself.
I finally realised this. Today.
:D
Have you ever been in a moment where you feel you've all the support of people surrounding you, feel that you can't be more appropriate and right possible in your entire life. I have. This iscalled LOVE. L. O. V. E.
It's the moment I'm truly myself. Just the way I like my life to be. No complications. Just simply me. It's gratifying.
Jason no longer cry anymore. Well.. there may be times I feel down. However, I'm proud to say, in all my life, I'm fortunately to say in all the relationships I've been through, I gave my best shot in it.
I did. Wholeheartedly... Genuinely.. Sincerely.
I'm truly happy and inspired by myself.
I finally realised this. Today.
:D
Saturday, October 14, 2006
De one with a Note to Unworthy [Emolings]
Humble in Pride
I didn't take anything from you. Talk about Karma, I think I've paid and experienced whatever devastation you've never faced nor been through before.
I loved a person who cheat me of 5k. And I faced the grief of losing two family members.
At least you have a mother to run to. When you feel troubled, you have a home with all family members full-house, to return too.
No. I didn't take anything from you.
Humans never learn. But I've learnt. This time... it's really over.
No more downpour in my heart. It's sunny from now onwards.
I didn't take anything from you. Talk about Karma, I think I've paid and experienced whatever devastation you've never faced nor been through before.
I loved a person who cheat me of 5k. And I faced the grief of losing two family members.
At least you have a mother to run to. When you feel troubled, you have a home with all family members full-house, to return too.
No. I didn't take anything from you.
Humans never learn. But I've learnt. This time... it's really over.
No more downpour in my heart. It's sunny from now onwards.
De one with Friday the 13th
Drizzle and sunshine
Today is Friday the 13th. To many, they always believe it to be an unlucky day. Presumingly, Robinson Crusude's friend Friday, died on this day. Anyway.. this isn't my area of superstition.
I dressed all black today. Nope. Not because it's Friday the 13th. However, an all black attire because I went to visit my mummy again. It occurred to me that I've not visited mummy last month. Sigh. Perhaps God's punishing me for being too caught up in my relationship (which was really a waste and disastrous). Looking back, time really pass by very rapidly. Yesterday marked the 15 month since mummy left.
Differ form the norm, I bought 2 stalks of roses instead of 3. It symbolises "Miss you". In my heart, I was really lost. It feel so empty even since someone who filled and emptied it completely recently. Not even a single bit left because my rage burnt and evaporated every drop of it.
On my way from Thompson Plaza to Mandai Coloumnarium, there was a downpour. I was crying in my heart as the realising loneliness kept sipping in boundlessly. Unexplainably, when I arrived throught the gates of the destination, the rain faded and the skies turned cloudy.
The place was pretty crowded compared to the previous afternoons I've been there. Anyway, I spent some quality time with mummy. Updating her every single bit about my life, the family and all that was bad.
Managed to restored peace in me. In addition to what happened to me in the morning when I went jogging after only 4 hours of sleep last night. For once ever since the breakup, memories flashback of the sweet-time I had with Sweet, I didn't feel abit of remorse or missing. Instead, I felt appreciative and smiled at the rememberance of us.
Friday the 13th wasn't a bad day for me after all. I left Mandai. It didn't rain until I reached the busstop. What's with luck on me? ;)
Somebody said a couple of things which nearly ruined my day. However, this day was just too good and real smooth for me. Another plus upgrade was I was matured enough to think and not get so easily affected by what others say.
Till today, I realised... I didn't love Sweet a single bit. Silly that I only managed to realised it today. They say, "the person who hurt you most is the person is the one you loved most". I just don't think I loved Sweet that much as I've thought myself to be.
I went to library for a short period for studying. Sigh. Cost is really tough. Plus my eyes were tired from the lack of sleep last night. I decided to leave for Orchard earlier to met Mohan.
Arrival at Orchard MRT, I was infested with the surveyers while I wait for Mohan. We walked to Cineleisure to buy our movie tickets. Meantime, we dined at Paragon's Thai Express. Upon hearing from me that 4:30 was out, we went to three different places as Mohan wanted to get the show on dvd. Only to find it at our last stop at Sembawang Music Store just before we went up for our movie.
After a pretty long time, I finally stick back to having popcorns for movie. Lucky again? For the first time in all the times I've watched movie at Cine, we have our movie threatre on the 9th storey!
We watched this heartwarming movie: Little Miss Sunshine (though I wanted to watch WTC initially but I changed my mind and accomodate Mohan as I was in the mood for a happy movie). The movie was rather good. Heart delighting. It was about the things good and bad which occured during a family's trip to this beauty pageant, the young daughter, Olive was participating.
The movie portrays the ambitions and dissapointment of family. Olive's dream to win in the Little Miss Sunshine yet she's pretty obese since she loved ice-cream. There was Mr Hoover who got con into a business, selling a book based on his enthusiastic model differentiating winners and losers. There was Mrs Hoover, coping with her stress as good wife, mother and sister. There was Uncle Frank who was a homosexual and the 3rd scholar in the states, attempted suicide because he got sacked by his job at uni due to a scandal with a student. And Granpa who died due to overdosage of drugs. Lastly, there was Dwine, the eldest son who strived so much to become a pilot yet disabled with color blindness.
The family been through alot. From dealing with a spolit clutch minibus, Grandpa's death and finally, the hilarious amirable support of the whole family to Olive who wasn't getting the support from the crowd with her striptease dance.
All in all, there was a contrast in the show which left a very deep impression in me. Frank was at a petrol station, buying porn for Granpa Hoover. He met the student he was in love with. The student saw Frank's purchase and withdraw from Frank. Haha.. usually, a normal friend who sees you will a GAY porn will withdraw and run off from you. In this movie, it was the opposite.
After movie, we came across this new store : Super surf..something Surf. We went in. As I was browsing the slippers. This lovely female assistant ask me how old we (Mohan and me) were. When I replied we were 21, she was astonised. Told me we look alot younger. Haha.
The both of us decided to chill out at the only Starbucks we've never been to at the old Singtel Building. Unexpectedly, it was crowded. So we patronised the one at Wheelock Place. Mohan said there was this guy who staring at us. Earlier as we walked along Orcahrd Road, Mohan said a guy was staring at me. When Mohan was trying his clothes at NUM vintage store, the male assistant keep taking glances at me. Omg. Am I becoming a male-magnet? Haha.
Friday the thirteen. Well... definately an enjoyable day. But tiring day... *wink*
Today is Friday the 13th. To many, they always believe it to be an unlucky day. Presumingly, Robinson Crusude's friend Friday, died on this day. Anyway.. this isn't my area of superstition.
I dressed all black today. Nope. Not because it's Friday the 13th. However, an all black attire because I went to visit my mummy again. It occurred to me that I've not visited mummy last month. Sigh. Perhaps God's punishing me for being too caught up in my relationship (which was really a waste and disastrous). Looking back, time really pass by very rapidly. Yesterday marked the 15 month since mummy left.
Differ form the norm, I bought 2 stalks of roses instead of 3. It symbolises "Miss you". In my heart, I was really lost. It feel so empty even since someone who filled and emptied it completely recently. Not even a single bit left because my rage burnt and evaporated every drop of it.
On my way from Thompson Plaza to Mandai Coloumnarium, there was a downpour. I was crying in my heart as the realising loneliness kept sipping in boundlessly. Unexplainably, when I arrived throught the gates of the destination, the rain faded and the skies turned cloudy.
The place was pretty crowded compared to the previous afternoons I've been there. Anyway, I spent some quality time with mummy. Updating her every single bit about my life, the family and all that was bad.
Managed to restored peace in me. In addition to what happened to me in the morning when I went jogging after only 4 hours of sleep last night. For once ever since the breakup, memories flashback of the sweet-time I had with Sweet, I didn't feel abit of remorse or missing. Instead, I felt appreciative and smiled at the rememberance of us.
Friday the 13th wasn't a bad day for me after all. I left Mandai. It didn't rain until I reached the busstop. What's with luck on me? ;)
Somebody said a couple of things which nearly ruined my day. However, this day was just too good and real smooth for me. Another plus upgrade was I was matured enough to think and not get so easily affected by what others say.
Till today, I realised... I didn't love Sweet a single bit. Silly that I only managed to realised it today. They say, "the person who hurt you most is the person is the one you loved most". I just don't think I loved Sweet that much as I've thought myself to be.
I went to library for a short period for studying. Sigh. Cost is really tough. Plus my eyes were tired from the lack of sleep last night. I decided to leave for Orchard earlier to met Mohan.
Arrival at Orchard MRT, I was infested with the surveyers while I wait for Mohan. We walked to Cineleisure to buy our movie tickets. Meantime, we dined at Paragon's Thai Express. Upon hearing from me that 4:30 was out, we went to three different places as Mohan wanted to get the show on dvd. Only to find it at our last stop at Sembawang Music Store just before we went up for our movie.
After a pretty long time, I finally stick back to having popcorns for movie. Lucky again? For the first time in all the times I've watched movie at Cine, we have our movie threatre on the 9th storey!
We watched this heartwarming movie: Little Miss Sunshine (though I wanted to watch WTC initially but I changed my mind and accomodate Mohan as I was in the mood for a happy movie). The movie was rather good. Heart delighting. It was about the things good and bad which occured during a family's trip to this beauty pageant, the young daughter, Olive was participating.
The movie portrays the ambitions and dissapointment of family. Olive's dream to win in the Little Miss Sunshine yet she's pretty obese since she loved ice-cream. There was Mr Hoover who got con into a business, selling a book based on his enthusiastic model differentiating winners and losers. There was Mrs Hoover, coping with her stress as good wife, mother and sister. There was Uncle Frank who was a homosexual and the 3rd scholar in the states, attempted suicide because he got sacked by his job at uni due to a scandal with a student. And Granpa who died due to overdosage of drugs. Lastly, there was Dwine, the eldest son who strived so much to become a pilot yet disabled with color blindness.
The family been through alot. From dealing with a spolit clutch minibus, Grandpa's death and finally, the hilarious amirable support of the whole family to Olive who wasn't getting the support from the crowd with her striptease dance.
All in all, there was a contrast in the show which left a very deep impression in me. Frank was at a petrol station, buying porn for Granpa Hoover. He met the student he was in love with. The student saw Frank's purchase and withdraw from Frank. Haha.. usually, a normal friend who sees you will a GAY porn will withdraw and run off from you. In this movie, it was the opposite.
After movie, we came across this new store : Super surf..something Surf. We went in. As I was browsing the slippers. This lovely female assistant ask me how old we (Mohan and me) were. When I replied we were 21, she was astonised. Told me we look alot younger. Haha.
The both of us decided to chill out at the only Starbucks we've never been to at the old Singtel Building. Unexpectedly, it was crowded. So we patronised the one at Wheelock Place. Mohan said there was this guy who staring at us. Earlier as we walked along Orcahrd Road, Mohan said a guy was staring at me. When Mohan was trying his clothes at NUM vintage store, the male assistant keep taking glances at me. Omg. Am I becoming a male-magnet? Haha.
Friday the thirteen. Well... definately an enjoyable day. But tiring day... *wink*
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
De one with Shopping again
Sunny, hazy
Today was supposedly the last lecture of ECON1016. However the lecturer couldn't complete his teaching of topic: International Trade. Hence, we have an extra lecture on Wednesday next week.
Went to campus early for studying at the library after a light morning jog. Didn't do much. the whole 3 hours I was cramping my head to read up and pick up the relevant crucials in the Accounting chapter 10: Budgets and CVP. Sigh. Halfway through, all thanks to the finishing of MintueMaid Lemonade, I experience sharp stomach pain. Ouch! Wanted very much to go to the toilet. However I didn't want to pack up my stuff (which were already laid all over the study cubicle I'm in). Furthermore, it was really heavy and troublesome. Eventually, I end up having to endure the pain in the cold room. Sigh. It's a worst feeling.. to be bearing with a bowel urge in an air conditioned room.
I didn't know why but surges of nostalgia of Sweet came forth and back at the back of my mind. Unexplainably. It's affecting me...well.. I keep telling myself I have to let go and move on.
Being the 2nd last Econs lecture, it was still as enjoyable as if it was the first. Today we learned more about Money Market: Expansionary and Contractionary Monetary Policies and a refreshing International Trade. This particular topic made me recall what I've studied before during my JC. It's about Adam Smith and David Ricardo and their theories of absolute and comparative advantage respectively.
There was this "terms of trade" which beared more resemblance to what I've studied. It was the only few areas which I only liked about Macroeconomic. Oops.. Still recall I used to hate Macroeconomics because everything was so complicated and confusing. Little did I ever know I'll be doing this again at uni. Nevertheless, it was refreshing. Thankfully, I had an "absolute advantage" compared to my counterparts who didn't take Econs during JC. *blush*
Ok, didn't mean to be boastful.
Today I met Max. In the right time to show him the available courses which he can take since he was considering of furthering his studies in Business Administration. After which he treated me dinner at J8's Swensons. He had Salmon and Mushroom pasta, while I had my all time favourite Fish and Chips.
Having our stomachs filled, we went to see J8. Unsatisfied as I wanted to buy a black LeviS Tee for this coming Friday the 13th. We travelled down to Orchard.
Do you know the underground pass to Wisma Atrium from the MRT is closed? Sigh.. It really shows how long have I last been to Orchard (well.. ever since the breakup.. only went with Mohan and Chin Yu...hmm.. nevermind). In the end, I spent a total of $200+. Let's practise some accounting here..hehe
Income
-
Net Income -
Expenses
EnerVon-C 100 tables $ 30.00
Vidal Sasoon Color Control Conditional $ 9.80
Levi Strass Black T-shirt $ 39.50
Skinxwear Innova x3 $ 32.70
DKYN Red-Delicious Cologne $102.00
Prepayment (EZ link topup) $ 30.00
Bubble Tea $ 2.50
Net Expenses ($ 246.50)
Sigh.. Max was shocked with my expenditure this evening. Sigh. But it felt good to be shopping again. Haven't been doing it because firstly, I had to be sensitive as Sweet didn't have the purchasing power. Secondly, I was often broke since I have been spending alot on us eating out and movies plus buying things for Sweet.
Well.. well.. Today, my friends continued to encourage and console me.. Especially my friend Andrew. I'm really grateful they are here to protect me as I'm rather gullible and simple-minded. Thank you, my friends.
Today was supposedly the last lecture of ECON1016. However the lecturer couldn't complete his teaching of topic: International Trade. Hence, we have an extra lecture on Wednesday next week.
Went to campus early for studying at the library after a light morning jog. Didn't do much. the whole 3 hours I was cramping my head to read up and pick up the relevant crucials in the Accounting chapter 10: Budgets and CVP. Sigh. Halfway through, all thanks to the finishing of MintueMaid Lemonade, I experience sharp stomach pain. Ouch! Wanted very much to go to the toilet. However I didn't want to pack up my stuff (which were already laid all over the study cubicle I'm in). Furthermore, it was really heavy and troublesome. Eventually, I end up having to endure the pain in the cold room. Sigh. It's a worst feeling.. to be bearing with a bowel urge in an air conditioned room.
I didn't know why but surges of nostalgia of Sweet came forth and back at the back of my mind. Unexplainably. It's affecting me...well.. I keep telling myself I have to let go and move on.
Being the 2nd last Econs lecture, it was still as enjoyable as if it was the first. Today we learned more about Money Market: Expansionary and Contractionary Monetary Policies and a refreshing International Trade. This particular topic made me recall what I've studied before during my JC. It's about Adam Smith and David Ricardo and their theories of absolute and comparative advantage respectively.
There was this "terms of trade" which beared more resemblance to what I've studied. It was the only few areas which I only liked about Macroeconomic. Oops.. Still recall I used to hate Macroeconomics because everything was so complicated and confusing. Little did I ever know I'll be doing this again at uni. Nevertheless, it was refreshing. Thankfully, I had an "absolute advantage" compared to my counterparts who didn't take Econs during JC. *blush*
Ok, didn't mean to be boastful.
Today I met Max. In the right time to show him the available courses which he can take since he was considering of furthering his studies in Business Administration. After which he treated me dinner at J8's Swensons. He had Salmon and Mushroom pasta, while I had my all time favourite Fish and Chips.
Having our stomachs filled, we went to see J8. Unsatisfied as I wanted to buy a black LeviS Tee for this coming Friday the 13th. We travelled down to Orchard.
Do you know the underground pass to Wisma Atrium from the MRT is closed? Sigh.. It really shows how long have I last been to Orchard (well.. ever since the breakup.. only went with Mohan and Chin Yu...hmm.. nevermind). In the end, I spent a total of $200+. Let's practise some accounting here..hehe
Income
-
Net Income -
Expenses
EnerVon-C 100 tables $ 30.00
Vidal Sasoon Color Control Conditional $ 9.80
Levi Strass Black T-shirt $ 39.50
Skinxwear Innova x3 $ 32.70
DKYN Red-Delicious Cologne $102.00
Prepayment (EZ link topup) $ 30.00
Bubble Tea $ 2.50
Net Expenses ($ 246.50)
Sigh.. Max was shocked with my expenditure this evening. Sigh. But it felt good to be shopping again. Haven't been doing it because firstly, I had to be sensitive as Sweet didn't have the purchasing power. Secondly, I was often broke since I have been spending alot on us eating out and movies plus buying things for Sweet.
Well.. well.. Today, my friends continued to encourage and console me.. Especially my friend Andrew. I'm really grateful they are here to protect me as I'm rather gullible and simple-minded. Thank you, my friends.
De one with Patience
Mild hazy morning
People kep saying:" You're still young... don't think too/so much. Just wait and the right one will appear or come to you."
Is this really true? How long more must I wait? :'S
People kep saying:" You're still young... don't think too/so much. Just wait and the right one will appear or come to you."
Is this really true? How long more must I wait? :'S
Monday, October 09, 2006
De one with Resilience
Hazy and warm
Don't know why but everytime I blog, I have an urge to start it by counting the number of days since the breakup. Apparantly, thanks to all the concern and encouragement of my existing and new found friends, I managed to supress "J"ason and gained my senses. I don't know..perhaps it's the beginning in another life chapter? Most probably, it is...
I do admit there will be times "J"ason take over the mind. Fabricating and analysing possibilities to achieve the long-forgotten and impossible desires. As much as I want to sip into the unconscious mind again, I pull myself back again and keep persuading myself to be rational, sensible.. and ultimately, to let go...
Met -A- a week after my breakup, we had a heart-to-heart chat after dinner at S-11, AMK central. -A- said I need to control my emotions and advised me (like what everybody has been saying) that you can't put 100% heart and soul into a relationship. That will be total suicide just by jumping into it blindly. It also made me realise things are not as simple and clear as the innocence in me is telling me so. I really hate being so superficial and cautious of people taking advantage of my genuinity and gulliblity.
Furthermore, I also realised, Time really heals some of the wounds and makes me forget about a person I used to love so much, gradually. It's not really about not thinking about my ex but rather, it was the force of letting another person into my life. As I found a new love, it enables me to fill my loneliness and enable me to utilise the passion to this new love.
Today I went jogging in the morning, I realised.. why people cry isn't entirely because the rejected person is at a loss of what to do next. A breakup is heart-breaking because you have not had the chance to recover and retrieve your feelings for a person. Yet you're already "cut off" and forced to be left suspended around the "peak" period when the other party who brought up the break-up have completely finished his/her cycle of loving you.
An example to illustrate this better would be like watching a movie. 3/5 or 3/4 throught the show, the movie got cut off and we're forced to leave.
That's why the feeling of loss comes into the picture because the rejected ones have to recover themselves.. to decrease their feelings (in completion of their cycle of love for that relationship)..alone.
Well.. life still goes on. It's really tough climbing out of the deep cliff I've fallen into. Sometimes I might just slip my grip and fall lower.
I've been studying. Exams are drawing close. Stress is building up resultably. Sigh. Non-excusable however it's really tough, coping with exams preparation and dealing with my unsettled emotion-chaos.
I'm intending to do what I can. Finally embarked on my journey to prepare myself for exams. At AMK library, I managed to finish studying 3 chapters of Accounting: Statement of Cash Flows (which I've started yesterday and the day before), Accounting Equation, Balance Sheet. As planned, I completed marketing Chpt 1 and Macroeconomics: PPC and scarcity, GDP, Unemployment and inflation. Phew...
For a moment, my mind strayed and reminded myself of the person who broke my heart.. Omg..wasted some of my revising time. I sober up and continued studying.
I had Subway takeaway for dinner after meeting Jessamine at J8 to pass her something. I realised I'm influenced by Sweet in alot of ways. Subway became my favourite fast-food restaurant. Grew to love Honey Oat loaf.. and red wine vinegrette.. Sigh.. *sobs*
All in all, it's really hard to forget... but hey, I'm moving on.. Just need more time for resilience
Archa Archa Archa!
Don't know why but everytime I blog, I have an urge to start it by counting the number of days since the breakup. Apparantly, thanks to all the concern and encouragement of my existing and new found friends, I managed to supress "J"ason and gained my senses. I don't know..perhaps it's the beginning in another life chapter? Most probably, it is...
I do admit there will be times "J"ason take over the mind. Fabricating and analysing possibilities to achieve the long-forgotten and impossible desires. As much as I want to sip into the unconscious mind again, I pull myself back again and keep persuading myself to be rational, sensible.. and ultimately, to let go...
Met -A- a week after my breakup, we had a heart-to-heart chat after dinner at S-11, AMK central. -A- said I need to control my emotions and advised me (like what everybody has been saying) that you can't put 100% heart and soul into a relationship. That will be total suicide just by jumping into it blindly. It also made me realise things are not as simple and clear as the innocence in me is telling me so. I really hate being so superficial and cautious of people taking advantage of my genuinity and gulliblity.
Furthermore, I also realised, Time really heals some of the wounds and makes me forget about a person I used to love so much, gradually. It's not really about not thinking about my ex but rather, it was the force of letting another person into my life. As I found a new love, it enables me to fill my loneliness and enable me to utilise the passion to this new love.
Today I went jogging in the morning, I realised.. why people cry isn't entirely because the rejected person is at a loss of what to do next. A breakup is heart-breaking because you have not had the chance to recover and retrieve your feelings for a person. Yet you're already "cut off" and forced to be left suspended around the "peak" period when the other party who brought up the break-up have completely finished his/her cycle of loving you.
An example to illustrate this better would be like watching a movie. 3/5 or 3/4 throught the show, the movie got cut off and we're forced to leave.
That's why the feeling of loss comes into the picture because the rejected ones have to recover themselves.. to decrease their feelings (in completion of their cycle of love for that relationship)..alone.
Well.. life still goes on. It's really tough climbing out of the deep cliff I've fallen into. Sometimes I might just slip my grip and fall lower.
I've been studying. Exams are drawing close. Stress is building up resultably. Sigh. Non-excusable however it's really tough, coping with exams preparation and dealing with my unsettled emotion-chaos.
I'm intending to do what I can. Finally embarked on my journey to prepare myself for exams. At AMK library, I managed to finish studying 3 chapters of Accounting: Statement of Cash Flows (which I've started yesterday and the day before), Accounting Equation, Balance Sheet. As planned, I completed marketing Chpt 1 and Macroeconomics: PPC and scarcity, GDP, Unemployment and inflation. Phew...
For a moment, my mind strayed and reminded myself of the person who broke my heart.. Omg..wasted some of my revising time. I sober up and continued studying.
I had Subway takeaway for dinner after meeting Jessamine at J8 to pass her something. I realised I'm influenced by Sweet in alot of ways. Subway became my favourite fast-food restaurant. Grew to love Honey Oat loaf.. and red wine vinegrette.. Sigh.. *sobs*
All in all, it's really hard to forget... but hey, I'm moving on.. Just need more time for resilience
Archa Archa Archa!
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
De one with a Prayer
Night breeze
Shuqing gave me this prayer.. it was this which I felt exonerated and resilient. Furthermore, gratefully thankful to..
Someone and gestures came visit me... alleviating the chaos in my heart, mind and soul. ... filling me with the comfort of making me restore thy peace, as though draining thy ambivalence. Affirmed, I'm enlightened of forgivance.
I've always been a "slower". I suppose it takes Time for me to let go...
"Father, I know I have broken Your laws and my sin has seperated me from You.
Now I want to turn into your past sinful life, towards you.
Please forgive me and please help me aviod sinning again.
I invite Jesus into my heart, to fill me with His love.. to take away the hurts I feel.
Lord, I pray you engulf me with Your love. To show me how love actually feels.
The happiness of love, the sweetness of love and Lord. to show me the meaning of life.
And I pray this all in Jesus' name, Amen"
Now I want to turn into your past sinful life, towards you.
Please forgive me and please help me aviod sinning again.
I invite Jesus into my heart, to fill me with His love.. to take away the hurts I feel.
Lord, I pray you engulf me with Your love. To show me how love actually feels.
The happiness of love, the sweetness of love and Lord. to show me the meaning of life.
And I pray this all in Jesus' name, Amen"
Shuqing gave me this prayer.. it was this which I felt exonerated and resilient. Furthermore, gratefully thankful to..
Someone and gestures came visit me... alleviating the chaos in my heart, mind and soul. ... filling me with the comfort of making me restore thy peace, as though draining thy ambivalence. Affirmed, I'm enlightened of forgivance.
I've always been a "slower". I suppose it takes Time for me to let go...
De one with Love of the Schizophrenia
Unpredictable weather
It's been 15 days since the breakup. It took my alot of courage to blog this entry...
I wouldn't deny that this 15 days have been as disastrous as Hell. It was filled with torture, heartpain, suffering, ultimate misery, loneliness and crying... In the milst of all this intense emotional moment, another side of Jason came to exist. It's schizophrenia. I supposed so.
Like the Phoenix in X-men, I developed another side of me. Someone born of split personality.
Jason was not the sweet, innocent, gullible kind soul..but someone beyond imagined, limitedlessly strong... someone filled with rage, dominance and emotionless.
I, or it's the "J"ason..said and did stupid things which were not supposed to be. He end up causing damage to thyself and people who loved me so much. I want to scream out loud that I was not to be blame. However, it was all in that instance when I lost my senses and rationality, "J"ason took over.
Why!?! Why does it have to be me? I cry every time.. The miserable song keeps playing in my head. That guilt is awfully causing me to be unable to sleep, study and live. I really feel it was the end of the world. Everything I see, hear, smell or touch, I just can't be reminded of the pain inflicted on me by the person whom I thought I could open and share my entire life with.
I was wrong.. dissappointed? angry? cheated? I really don't know what to feel. You know what breaks and crumple a person? It is learning the secrets which the person whom you trusted and cared entirely, more than anyone else in your entire life. The feeling when you see how dark you've been lured into.
As much as "J"ason's actions or my defensive measure are unjustified (after learning the consequences).. I beg not to be condemned or entirely convicted of my wrong doings. I'd always believe in Newton's 3rd Law of Matters : "Every process has an equal and opposite reaction force". Everything occur due to a reason. This was imprinted into my memory by -A-.
I've ever considered and even exacuted ending my life... Yes, alot of people will comment it's really foolish and dumb. However, I'm that innocent. I thought it was the only way to erase my entire life..this life borned wrong in the first place. I really want to start a new life afresh. However, I want to specify, I didn't commit this way to use it as a threat to make the person responsible for this to come back to me.
I've really learnt.. somethings in life ain't meant to be yours, no matter how you try, it will never will itself to you. In being persistent, you may be widening the distance instead of bridging the gap in between.
Then again.. somethings in life which we want to achieve and really give our heart and soul for it, there are still alot..or a bunchful which are just taking adventage of you...
All in all, there were no excuses or invention of "J"ason. The phoenix in me was truly awakened. It's the same person whom everybody has. He's the one who make you feel comforted after your prayer. He's the one who endure you through your challenges. For me...thyself...so frightened and fearful of him.
It's been 15 days since the breakup. It took my alot of courage to blog this entry...
I wouldn't deny that this 15 days have been as disastrous as Hell. It was filled with torture, heartpain, suffering, ultimate misery, loneliness and crying... In the milst of all this intense emotional moment, another side of Jason came to exist. It's schizophrenia. I supposed so.
Like the Phoenix in X-men, I developed another side of me. Someone born of split personality.
Jason was not the sweet, innocent, gullible kind soul..but someone beyond imagined, limitedlessly strong... someone filled with rage, dominance and emotionless.
I, or it's the "J"ason..said and did stupid things which were not supposed to be. He end up causing damage to thyself and people who loved me so much. I want to scream out loud that I was not to be blame. However, it was all in that instance when I lost my senses and rationality, "J"ason took over.
Why!?! Why does it have to be me? I cry every time.. The miserable song keeps playing in my head. That guilt is awfully causing me to be unable to sleep, study and live. I really feel it was the end of the world. Everything I see, hear, smell or touch, I just can't be reminded of the pain inflicted on me by the person whom I thought I could open and share my entire life with.
I was wrong.. dissappointed? angry? cheated? I really don't know what to feel. You know what breaks and crumple a person? It is learning the secrets which the person whom you trusted and cared entirely, more than anyone else in your entire life. The feeling when you see how dark you've been lured into.
As much as "J"ason's actions or my defensive measure are unjustified (after learning the consequences).. I beg not to be condemned or entirely convicted of my wrong doings. I'd always believe in Newton's 3rd Law of Matters : "Every process has an equal and opposite reaction force". Everything occur due to a reason. This was imprinted into my memory by -A-.
I've ever considered and even exacuted ending my life... Yes, alot of people will comment it's really foolish and dumb. However, I'm that innocent. I thought it was the only way to erase my entire life..this life borned wrong in the first place. I really want to start a new life afresh. However, I want to specify, I didn't commit this way to use it as a threat to make the person responsible for this to come back to me.
I've really learnt.. somethings in life ain't meant to be yours, no matter how you try, it will never will itself to you. In being persistent, you may be widening the distance instead of bridging the gap in between.
Then again.. somethings in life which we want to achieve and really give our heart and soul for it, there are still alot..or a bunchful which are just taking adventage of you...
All in all, there were no excuses or invention of "J"ason. The phoenix in me was truly awakened. It's the same person whom everybody has. He's the one who make you feel comforted after your prayer. He's the one who endure you through your challenges. For me...thyself...so frightened and fearful of him.
Monday, September 25, 2006
De one with Jason is Dead
Death lurks...
As of today, Jason is dead................................................................................................................................
As of today, Jason is dead................................................................................................................................
De one with Life Stood Still
Everyday's just as gray
It's been a week already. Yet, nothing has changed. Except the distance between Sweet and me is getting further and further. Sweet's being more and more irritated than bothered about me.
Life's really slowing down... as though the engine has ran out of battery.. deteriorating gradually, filling every space of my heart with pure sadness, suffocating me with no meaning. Every person has a meaning to live for and to live on by.. guess this is what becomes of me when something significant in my life, has gone missing.
I know there are other things in life. However, seems they are not as important and what I really need. Undeniably, I am finally collapsing and breaking down, comprising my rationality, mind and soul. It feels a hundred times more painful than death. At least, dead is sudden most of the time and it only last a moment. It's alot better because you wouldn't have the capacity to deal with the post-occurance period.
Suddenly, all my life's trouble, tickled down to the very insignificant ones are surfacing. Each demanding and pressurising me, pushing me to a corner. Everything's gone bad. Relationship with family. Friends who I can't relate my sadness to. Fear of troubling people. Grabbing to hope for a better change. Struggling against the odds. Persistence for a truth from someone who is not sure, worst, delibrately suspending you. Sweet. Mid-semester exam. Final examination due in 30 days' time. Financial problems. My current life unluckiness.
Yes, everybody has been hurt. But I'm really devastated because I've been bottling everything inside my heart. Capped with a wonderful relationship with Sweet who I confide in, that's why I put so much effort and heart into it. Little did I expect the "cap" wasn't how good I thought it was. End up, the cap popped loose itself. It even cut me when I was trying to get it back again.
I'm really turning into living dead. A heart overpouring with troubles, endless misery. Flooding and drowning me in it.
='(
It's been a week already. Yet, nothing has changed. Except the distance between Sweet and me is getting further and further. Sweet's being more and more irritated than bothered about me.
Life's really slowing down... as though the engine has ran out of battery.. deteriorating gradually, filling every space of my heart with pure sadness, suffocating me with no meaning. Every person has a meaning to live for and to live on by.. guess this is what becomes of me when something significant in my life, has gone missing.
I know there are other things in life. However, seems they are not as important and what I really need. Undeniably, I am finally collapsing and breaking down, comprising my rationality, mind and soul. It feels a hundred times more painful than death. At least, dead is sudden most of the time and it only last a moment. It's alot better because you wouldn't have the capacity to deal with the post-occurance period.
Suddenly, all my life's trouble, tickled down to the very insignificant ones are surfacing. Each demanding and pressurising me, pushing me to a corner. Everything's gone bad. Relationship with family. Friends who I can't relate my sadness to. Fear of troubling people. Grabbing to hope for a better change. Struggling against the odds. Persistence for a truth from someone who is not sure, worst, delibrately suspending you. Sweet. Mid-semester exam. Final examination due in 30 days' time. Financial problems. My current life unluckiness.
Yes, everybody has been hurt. But I'm really devastated because I've been bottling everything inside my heart. Capped with a wonderful relationship with Sweet who I confide in, that's why I put so much effort and heart into it. Little did I expect the "cap" wasn't how good I thought it was. End up, the cap popped loose itself. It even cut me when I was trying to get it back again.
I'm really turning into living dead. A heart overpouring with troubles, endless misery. Flooding and drowning me in it.
='(
Friday, September 22, 2006
De one with Tears of Thy Heart
Moody all day
It's the last day of the week, everyone is happy and blissfully spending time with their loved ones at home, dinner and movie.. or even a loving stroll in the park. All these were the past for me..
It's been the 3rd day since the "verdict". Yet, inevitably... the tears of thy heart (sigh~) keeps flowing like there's no tomorrow.. :'c
Though exams are not over.. and it's Tuesday. However, I really can't concentrate. Unknowingly, I feel so forsakened. I can't even feel God carrying me on his back...
Everywhere I go, everything I see and the dreadful memories of Sweet, just keeps my heart tearing. I was with Mohan the day before. I couldn't help crying when I was dinning at Pasta Mania, having recalled Sweet doesn't like unhealthy sweet ice-lemon tea. That Sweet always accomodate me and compromise with Sweet's distaste for sweet syrup drink and pasta. I walked past Cineleisure's Bits and Pieces, that was the place we chose our couple rings. Went Hereen and all the memories of our arguments just flow.
Yesterday, I was with Clara at Jurong Point.. remember Sweet and I ate at the foodcourt upstairs. We went IMM..recalled Sweet and I was running wildly to look for a protective screen for our new couple SGH-E900. I was at 7-11, wanting to buy a drink, I saw Mr Softee.. made me recall it was Sweet and my childhood favourite. Clara and I ate Sundaes at Mac. Recalled Sweet and I ate Sundae at Bras Basah's Mac.
Zhen Ze, Guan Hui and I ate Subway today.. made me remember Sweet and I shared a delicious "footlong" honey-oak sandwich. Today, I put on a brave front but I was really crying so painfully in my heart as I eat in silence.
Came home only to hear my granny crying.. over my Motherless younger brother, who was punished my aunt for misbehaving. It feels like everything is collapsing down on me... I'm really hurt enough..
"The "rain" within my heart is downpouring,
Yet it doesn't wet her hair.
Tears dipping on the card's sentiment,
That heartpain has no delay.
The "rain" within my heart is downpouring,
It still doesn't wet her in anyway.
The chilling wind breeze through the twigs in the porch
As it withers the rose in my palm."
- Xin Yu, translated (Jay Chou's Still Fantasy)
I am really miserable... really really filled with nothing but pure, absolute heart-break and loneliness....
"And I know, it's only in my mind..
That I'm talking to myself
And not to him...
And although I know that he is blind...
Still I say
There's a way for us
I love him, but everyday I'm learning
All my life, I've only been pretending
Without me, his world will go on turning
A world that's full of happiness
That I've ever known..."
- Eponine, in love with Marius (Les Miserables)
Please, grant me a Sweet,lift me from my solitary despair
Else, bring me away
:''(
It's the last day of the week, everyone is happy and blissfully spending time with their loved ones at home, dinner and movie.. or even a loving stroll in the park. All these were the past for me..
It's been the 3rd day since the "verdict". Yet, inevitably... the tears of thy heart (sigh~) keeps flowing like there's no tomorrow.. :'c
Though exams are not over.. and it's Tuesday. However, I really can't concentrate. Unknowingly, I feel so forsakened. I can't even feel God carrying me on his back...
Everywhere I go, everything I see and the dreadful memories of Sweet, just keeps my heart tearing. I was with Mohan the day before. I couldn't help crying when I was dinning at Pasta Mania, having recalled Sweet doesn't like unhealthy sweet ice-lemon tea. That Sweet always accomodate me and compromise with Sweet's distaste for sweet syrup drink and pasta. I walked past Cineleisure's Bits and Pieces, that was the place we chose our couple rings. Went Hereen and all the memories of our arguments just flow.
Yesterday, I was with Clara at Jurong Point.. remember Sweet and I ate at the foodcourt upstairs. We went IMM..recalled Sweet and I was running wildly to look for a protective screen for our new couple SGH-E900. I was at 7-11, wanting to buy a drink, I saw Mr Softee.. made me recall it was Sweet and my childhood favourite. Clara and I ate Sundaes at Mac. Recalled Sweet and I ate Sundae at Bras Basah's Mac.
Zhen Ze, Guan Hui and I ate Subway today.. made me remember Sweet and I shared a delicious "footlong" honey-oak sandwich. Today, I put on a brave front but I was really crying so painfully in my heart as I eat in silence.
Came home only to hear my granny crying.. over my Motherless younger brother, who was punished my aunt for misbehaving. It feels like everything is collapsing down on me... I'm really hurt enough..
"The "rain" within my heart is downpouring,
Yet it doesn't wet her hair.
Tears dipping on the card's sentiment,
That heartpain has no delay.
The "rain" within my heart is downpouring,
It still doesn't wet her in anyway.
The chilling wind breeze through the twigs in the porch
As it withers the rose in my palm."
- Xin Yu, translated (Jay Chou's Still Fantasy)
I am really miserable... really really filled with nothing but pure, absolute heart-break and loneliness....
"And I know, it's only in my mind..
That I'm talking to myself
And not to him...
And although I know that he is blind...
Still I say
There's a way for us
I love him, but everyday I'm learning
All my life, I've only been pretending
Without me, his world will go on turning
A world that's full of happiness
That I've ever known..."
- Eponine, in love with Marius (Les Miserables)
Please, grant me a Sweet,lift me from my solitary despair
Else, bring me away
:''(
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
De one with The Verdict
Fluming day
Whatever I was feeling sad and insecure took it's final leash and then came a harsh-derserving verdict: Sweet is no longer in love with me anymore.
I don't know who to blame. I was persistent once again, filled with misery-converted-to-rage too. All I could think of was I find it very difficult to let go. It really hurt deep inside as if my heart is bleeding profusely.
Deserve it? I think not. I really deny that the culprit is me for this turn of events. Neither do I want to blame Sweet. As much as I'm hopeful for a miracle.. let's just blame that Sweet and I are not fated.
I feel overly sinful ever since our final confrontation. Judging the measures I've taken and trouble caused. I though I could hang out this rage. However, by now, I've started to regret and repent. I really hate me being someone so evil who I detest..
I've forsakened the 4-faced Bhurma's blessed gift to me. Right now, I can do nothing but start into blank, letting the tears of regret, guilt, misery, flow out unstoppably from my eyes.. filled with ultimate desperation for hope and resentment.
Whatever I was feeling sad and insecure took it's final leash and then came a harsh-derserving verdict: Sweet is no longer in love with me anymore.
I don't know who to blame. I was persistent once again, filled with misery-converted-to-rage too. All I could think of was I find it very difficult to let go. It really hurt deep inside as if my heart is bleeding profusely.
Deserve it? I think not. I really deny that the culprit is me for this turn of events. Neither do I want to blame Sweet. As much as I'm hopeful for a miracle.. let's just blame that Sweet and I are not fated.
I feel overly sinful ever since our final confrontation. Judging the measures I've taken and trouble caused. I though I could hang out this rage. However, by now, I've started to regret and repent. I really hate me being someone so evil who I detest..
I've forsakened the 4-faced Bhurma's blessed gift to me. Right now, I can do nothing but start into blank, letting the tears of regret, guilt, misery, flow out unstoppably from my eyes.. filled with ultimate desperation for hope and resentment.
Sunday, September 17, 2006
De one with Loo Wan
CHRONICLES Of CHUM
Tan Loo Wan. Very candid most of the time.. vocal too and a hell leader of charisma.
He was the first person I befriended when I first entered SRJC after "first 3 months". He was Pi-yi Secondary School uniform when we became friends and accompany each other during our very first lecture which was mathematics.
I recalled the very first time, we were chased out of our first Economics lecture since both of us forgotten to bring our lecture notes. Because of this, Loo Wan became the Class Rep..while I became the Assistant Class Rep. However, I didn't do much (as I've always kept low profile). So another girl shared the position with me.
We're pretty good friends, he's very caring towards his peers and "buay pai seh" (not scared of embarrassment in Hokkien) type of person We even landed in the same GP class for two years.
He's an expert in table tennis, which landed him to become the President of table tennis club. The girls used to tease that he has "big butt". We guys like to say he has a long neck which is part of what enable him to do so much chin-ups. Hehe
Loo Wan always love eating. He's always exggeratingly late most of our meeting. He's pretty closed to Jessamine, another girl in our "tribal gang". Always tease her of eating too much beef.
Like me, he went through BTM (except his was direct, I was Enhanced), then SISPEC in Alpha Coy (slack lah) and he got posted to become a Recce scout Sgt in Infantry.
Currently he's doing a degree in Business Administeration at SMU. Good luck Loo!
Tan Loo Wan. Very candid most of the time.. vocal too and a hell leader of charisma.
He was the first person I befriended when I first entered SRJC after "first 3 months". He was Pi-yi Secondary School uniform when we became friends and accompany each other during our very first lecture which was mathematics.
I recalled the very first time, we were chased out of our first Economics lecture since both of us forgotten to bring our lecture notes. Because of this, Loo Wan became the Class Rep..while I became the Assistant Class Rep. However, I didn't do much (as I've always kept low profile). So another girl shared the position with me.
We're pretty good friends, he's very caring towards his peers and "buay pai seh" (not scared of embarrassment in Hokkien) type of person We even landed in the same GP class for two years.
He's an expert in table tennis, which landed him to become the President of table tennis club. The girls used to tease that he has "big butt". We guys like to say he has a long neck which is part of what enable him to do so much chin-ups. Hehe
Loo Wan always love eating. He's always exggeratingly late most of our meeting. He's pretty closed to Jessamine, another girl in our "tribal gang". Always tease her of eating too much beef.
Like me, he went through BTM (except his was direct, I was Enhanced), then SISPEC in Alpha Coy (slack lah) and he got posted to become a Recce scout Sgt in Infantry.
Currently he's doing a degree in Business Administeration at SMU. Good luck Loo!
De one with Messenger
Cold & Chilling
I'm not denier of fate.
Neither am I strong enough to lose
Nor good enough to deprived you of your dreams
As much as I hope thous can be like me
Seek peace in living
A life to deliver help, joy
Bringing smile to almost everybody
For I'm a messenger
I don't have a choice
Like you or many others
I'm always the in-between
For I'm bounded by fate
I understand..
"Thou canst not speak of thou canst not feel"
- Romeo to Friar Lawrence in R&J
But before you made your decision
When the rightful tie comes
Please "think of me"
- Christine Dale in Phantom of the Opera
It's now not about you yourself
I'm included, I hope so
And never regret
Because you're going on a road of no return
Even if you do
And go through to other people
Your heart is forever stained
With my blood of passion
Which now thee only see as
Something of contamination and sinful
Even the angels shall weep for me
Pray not for an answer
But plead for the one you believe
To fetch thy soul away
For a faraway haven
And never seen again
I'm not denier of fate.
Neither am I strong enough to lose
Nor good enough to deprived you of your dreams
As much as I hope thous can be like me
Seek peace in living
A life to deliver help, joy
Bringing smile to almost everybody
For I'm a messenger
I don't have a choice
Like you or many others
I'm always the in-between
For I'm bounded by fate
I understand..
"Thou canst not speak of thou canst not feel"
- Romeo to Friar Lawrence in R&J
But before you made your decision
When the rightful tie comes
Please "think of me"
- Christine Dale in Phantom of the Opera
It's now not about you yourself
I'm included, I hope so
And never regret
Because you're going on a road of no return
Even if you do
And go through to other people
Your heart is forever stained
With my blood of passion
Which now thee only see as
Something of contamination and sinful
Even the angels shall weep for me
Pray not for an answer
But plead for the one you believe
To fetch thy soul away
For a faraway haven
And never seen again
Saturday, September 16, 2006
De one with Just Kill me [Emolings]
Trembling as though poisoned
Just kill me.. i'm no better than a living dead..
I'm really totally exhausted..
Please..Fate, Life, God or Anybody.. don't deprive me, abandoning me.
Just take me away. For once. Take me away...
Just kill me.. i'm no better than a living dead..
I'm really totally exhausted..
Please..Fate, Life, God or Anybody.. don't deprive me, abandoning me.
Just take me away. For once. Take me away...
De one with Cry
Rain stops
I used to be a cry baby. Like all other children, the only weapon a child possess was making use of tears to rouse sympathy, if not, adult's giving in to the unbearable embarrassment or annoyance induced by our crying. Hehe..
As a result, I was very spoiled from young. Every weeping would earn me what I want.
"Tear is King" in our childhood era. Adult era? "Cash is King" lah...
Ok.. let's not digress. Of course, sobbing wasn't only to "cheat" our parent's feelings to gain what we desire. But also to satisfy a part of emotions and pure innocence.
I remembered I cried on this television show depicting the undying love of Mimi Wong, the first woman to be hung in Singapore. Other than that show, I recall I'll weep whenever I hear my mother sniffing, having watched some tragedy on television drama.
A very exclusive and strange behaviour about me was everytime I think of my granny. Tears just flow profusely. Why? I really don't know. Perhaps I just appreciate her tender care. Don't know what will I do if she were to be gone. Perhaps, it might be a stigma because I ws told I cry like hell when I attended kindergarden. Ooops *face glowing red*
Another instance is I'll cry because I can't stand loud noise. I hate it because it habours headaches and a cramping pressure. It wasn't until I joined Bowen Military Band.
During Secondary school days, I traded my naive weepy whinny for a more pragmatic crying because of being defeated and genuine tears of joy. Imagine you work with all your might, heart and soul, the hardwork of being in a team and end up losing/gaining what you aimed to achieve?
It was also that I learnt to bottle my troubles in my heart and start crying in my heart, un-audibly. All thanks to maturity (?)
As the age figure keeps increasing, I cry for a different circumstances..especially crying for different people...
For Love:
I was in JC when I cried for my very first break up. The crisis lasted for 2 years.
At 17, I mourned for my grand-pa.
The worst, a combo of these two occurred when I was 19. My mummy left me from my world. My ex left me from my heart. I felt as if my heart stopped and I was going to cry out blood.
*sob sob*
During NS:
I cried in the night because I missed my family when I was serving BTM in Tekong.
Broke down too when I was failing to perform up to my expectations. Significantly when I was in SISPEC, it was heart-breakingly demoralising.
By the age of 20, I stopped crying much compared to my past. Perhaps I was too numb from all those heart-shattering happenings. I started to cry in my heart more than the past. If not, "word"-sobbing. No, it's definately not because of macho-ism. I wouldn't shed physical tear unless the person or event means so much to me.
I've also learnt, from Ling (played by Lucy Liu) in Ally Mcbeal, to be strong and withhold your tears in front of everybody.. learn to break down only when alone.
Crying is inevitable and undeniable in Life. It carries alot of meaning like art, replacing zillions of words to express the abyss of emotions of joy, mostly remorse.
:)
I used to be a cry baby. Like all other children, the only weapon a child possess was making use of tears to rouse sympathy, if not, adult's giving in to the unbearable embarrassment or annoyance induced by our crying. Hehe..
As a result, I was very spoiled from young. Every weeping would earn me what I want.
"Tear is King" in our childhood era. Adult era? "Cash is King" lah...
Ok.. let's not digress. Of course, sobbing wasn't only to "cheat" our parent's feelings to gain what we desire. But also to satisfy a part of emotions and pure innocence.
I remembered I cried on this television show depicting the undying love of Mimi Wong, the first woman to be hung in Singapore. Other than that show, I recall I'll weep whenever I hear my mother sniffing, having watched some tragedy on television drama.
A very exclusive and strange behaviour about me was everytime I think of my granny. Tears just flow profusely. Why? I really don't know. Perhaps I just appreciate her tender care. Don't know what will I do if she were to be gone. Perhaps, it might be a stigma because I ws told I cry like hell when I attended kindergarden. Ooops *face glowing red*
Another instance is I'll cry because I can't stand loud noise. I hate it because it habours headaches and a cramping pressure. It wasn't until I joined Bowen Military Band.
During Secondary school days, I traded my naive weepy whinny for a more pragmatic crying because of being defeated and genuine tears of joy. Imagine you work with all your might, heart and soul, the hardwork of being in a team and end up losing/gaining what you aimed to achieve?
It was also that I learnt to bottle my troubles in my heart and start crying in my heart, un-audibly. All thanks to maturity (?)
As the age figure keeps increasing, I cry for a different circumstances..especially crying for different people...
For Love:
I was in JC when I cried for my very first break up. The crisis lasted for 2 years.
At 17, I mourned for my grand-pa.
The worst, a combo of these two occurred when I was 19. My mummy left me from my world. My ex left me from my heart. I felt as if my heart stopped and I was going to cry out blood.
*sob sob*
During NS:
I cried in the night because I missed my family when I was serving BTM in Tekong.
Broke down too when I was failing to perform up to my expectations. Significantly when I was in SISPEC, it was heart-breakingly demoralising.
By the age of 20, I stopped crying much compared to my past. Perhaps I was too numb from all those heart-shattering happenings. I started to cry in my heart more than the past. If not, "word"-sobbing. No, it's definately not because of macho-ism. I wouldn't shed physical tear unless the person or event means so much to me.
I've also learnt, from Ling (played by Lucy Liu) in Ally Mcbeal, to be strong and withhold your tears in front of everybody.. learn to break down only when alone.
Crying is inevitable and undeniable in Life. It carries alot of meaning like art, replacing zillions of words to express the abyss of emotions of joy, mostly remorse.
:)
De one with Bottling Up [Emolings]
Time to fill up the bottle in my heart again :)
It was raining loneliness outside. I was cuddling in my quill of the sorrowing cold. Listening and figuring out the lyrics of this Jay Chou song "Ju Hua Tai" [translated Crysanthenum Stage"] from his lastest album "Still Fantasy"
I thought, what about translating the chorus, which I find very poemic and expressively poignant.
"Petals of Crysanthenum..
Scattering misery unto the ground
Your smile faded as if discoloured
The heart breaks as the flower descends
As I hide my troubles in silence
The North wind disorientates
Dusk before dawn
Your shadow undispelled
Prolonging my solitude
Like the surface of the lake
As they merge in resemblance"
Gosh.. unexplainably sometimes when people feels so lost and lonely, i'm sure most of us would find themselves relating to the lyrics.
It was raining loneliness outside. I was cuddling in my quill of the sorrowing cold. Listening and figuring out the lyrics of this Jay Chou song "Ju Hua Tai" [translated Crysanthenum Stage"] from his lastest album "Still Fantasy"
I thought, what about translating the chorus, which I find very poemic and expressively poignant.
"Petals of Crysanthenum..
Scattering misery unto the ground
Your smile faded as if discoloured
The heart breaks as the flower descends
As I hide my troubles in silence
The North wind disorientates
Dusk before dawn
Your shadow undispelled
Prolonging my solitude
Like the surface of the lake
As they merge in resemblance"
Gosh.. unexplainably sometimes when people feels so lost and lonely, i'm sure most of us would find themselves relating to the lyrics.
De one with Extremely Tired Saturday
Rain falling from the Sky all day
Yesterday night, I had supper with Clara at Boon Keng's Mac Donalds. Before even meeting her, I was kinda affected by Sweet's sms that Sweet couldn't meet me for the weekend. Well, disappointed I was as that will mean that we have to postpone our anniversary dinner later. And I really miss Sweet alot.
Nevertheless, I was self-enlightened that I had to be understanding. I should be considerate about Sweet's tireness instead of being selfish and demanding Sweet's lovingness and attention. I wanted to say alot of things to Sweet these few days. Since we've not been meeting, the only way to maintain our bond via our mobile phone. But I refrain myself from tiring Sweet even more with my messages and let Sweet had an early rest.
I was really exhausted today. Just couldn't figure out why I feel so restless today. Nothing happened much since it was raining, lonely boy stayed at home all day and thinking of Sweet all the time. Slept most of the day. Watched "Bourne Supremacy" on vcd. Stupid right? Haha.. Perhaps I'm overly-infected with love-sickness. There were times I ponder is it because I love people too much until they are afraid of loving me.
Sigh... Hmm.. I'm too stress, that's why my thoughts are wandering lost. I'm fine. I'm fine. Just need to learn how to bottle everything up again, that's all...
Yesterday night, I had supper with Clara at Boon Keng's Mac Donalds. Before even meeting her, I was kinda affected by Sweet's sms that Sweet couldn't meet me for the weekend. Well, disappointed I was as that will mean that we have to postpone our anniversary dinner later. And I really miss Sweet alot.
Nevertheless, I was self-enlightened that I had to be understanding. I should be considerate about Sweet's tireness instead of being selfish and demanding Sweet's lovingness and attention. I wanted to say alot of things to Sweet these few days. Since we've not been meeting, the only way to maintain our bond via our mobile phone. But I refrain myself from tiring Sweet even more with my messages and let Sweet had an early rest.
I was really exhausted today. Just couldn't figure out why I feel so restless today. Nothing happened much since it was raining, lonely boy stayed at home all day and thinking of Sweet all the time. Slept most of the day. Watched "Bourne Supremacy" on vcd. Stupid right? Haha.. Perhaps I'm overly-infected with love-sickness. There were times I ponder is it because I love people too much until they are afraid of loving me.
Sigh... Hmm.. I'm too stress, that's why my thoughts are wandering lost. I'm fine. I'm fine. Just need to learn how to bottle everything up again, that's all...
Friday, September 15, 2006
De one with Day After 2nd Monthiversary
Light showers
Today happens to be 1 day after 2nd Monthiversary for Sweet and me.. 2 days after 15 months since my late-mummy departed..
I miss these two people who I hold dearly to my heart...undeniably alot.
As both Sweet and I were busy with our respective commitments, we couldn't meet until this Saturday to celebrate a belated 2nd Monthiversary. Sigh. I was so stressed with my exam preparation yesterday that I didn't realise it was the 14th of the month. It was Sweet who reminded me in an sms when I was on my way to AMK library in the drizzle. I feel so terrible I kept apologising. Anyway, I took time to draw a heart shape made up of "Happy Monthiversary! 140 Love 4eva 706" and mms it to Sweet.
:: Sorry Sweet. Happy Monthiversary.
I've been busy mugging for my mid-semesters exams. Well.. for Econs1016's MCQ test, I got 28/30. Today was demoralising. ACCT2060 paper was really tough. Although I've studied, upon exam, I couldn't recall most of what I've cramped. Sigh. After exam everybody feels so happy. I felt so unintelligent and self-discriminated lor... I used to feel this post-exam disappointment was I was in Jc.. Just little did I realise that the feeling is so instantaneous..
Omg. Anyway, I know it, I didn't do well.
What made the day more worse was my Ipod mini dropped out of my folder in after exam. Fortunately, some kind soul picked it up and handled it to the our lecturer Daniel Tan, who then announced the "Lost and Found" when our accounting lecture resumed after a post-exam short break.
Sweet replied me and consoled me. I was really thankful for that.
What a "screwed-up" day for me. Due to this, I feel so gloomy the whole day. Life's path is so rocky for me. Alot of aspects I've been working hard but I find myself getting a result not as what I've expected. Stress too. Believe it or not, it's drizzling again. It always seemed to drizzle or rain whenever I feel depressed. It didn't take very long before Jay Chou's "Xin Yu" start playing in my head as I start to "stone" again.
After lecture, Guan Hui wanted us to go for lunch and catch a movie. So we end up having lunch at our campus' canteen before watching "Banquet", 2pm at Westmall Eng Wah. It's not a bad show. A show depicting the desire, ambition and crave for power; love.
It stars Zhang Ziyi as the Prince Wu Luan's gf, who end up getting married upon the liking of the Emperor. The Emperor's younger brother assassinated the Emperor to gain his status as Emperor and the current Empress.
In the milst of conspiracy within the court, there are three distinctive love protrayed in the movie: Jealousy and struggling undying pragmatic love (of the Empress for the Prince) Innocent love (of the Grand Advisor's daughter Qing Yu towards the Prince); and genuine affection between the brother and sister.
The ending? Zhang Zi Yi became Emperor as the Prince and sinister Emperor died during the Banquet on an inauspicious date. The rising Phoenix aka Zhang Zi Yi got assassinated. However the assassinator wasn't shown.
Halfway through the movie, Sweet gave me a call. I was overwhelmed with absolute guilt since I didn't message Sweet and update Sweet of my where-abouts (as it's a form of mutual transparency to each other in our relationship). I feel so afraid, will Sweet not tell me where and who Sweet is going out with, next time? Of course, whenever I have doubts whether Sweet will leave me, I keep reminding myself that I should and will trust Sweet.
Besides this, I was afraid will Sweet misinterpret that I am "depreciating" my attitude towards our relationship which I promise I have and will never do so. I'm sweet-loving and faithful.
Sigh. Nowadays I'm so cautious about my words and expression. I just don't want Sweet to feel that I'm starting my "depression" and quarrel-inducing demerits. Mentally stressed and emotionally-fragile and insecured, I really need lots and lots of support and love. Sigh. Exam sucks.
Today happens to be 1 day after 2nd Monthiversary for Sweet and me.. 2 days after 15 months since my late-mummy departed..
I miss these two people who I hold dearly to my heart...undeniably alot.
As both Sweet and I were busy with our respective commitments, we couldn't meet until this Saturday to celebrate a belated 2nd Monthiversary. Sigh. I was so stressed with my exam preparation yesterday that I didn't realise it was the 14th of the month. It was Sweet who reminded me in an sms when I was on my way to AMK library in the drizzle. I feel so terrible I kept apologising. Anyway, I took time to draw a heart shape made up of "Happy Monthiversary! 140 Love 4eva 706" and mms it to Sweet.
:: Sorry Sweet. Happy Monthiversary.
I've been busy mugging for my mid-semesters exams. Well.. for Econs1016's MCQ test, I got 28/30. Today was demoralising. ACCT2060 paper was really tough. Although I've studied, upon exam, I couldn't recall most of what I've cramped. Sigh. After exam everybody feels so happy. I felt so unintelligent and self-discriminated lor... I used to feel this post-exam disappointment was I was in Jc.. Just little did I realise that the feeling is so instantaneous..
Omg. Anyway, I know it, I didn't do well.
What made the day more worse was my Ipod mini dropped out of my folder in after exam. Fortunately, some kind soul picked it up and handled it to the our lecturer Daniel Tan, who then announced the "Lost and Found" when our accounting lecture resumed after a post-exam short break.
Sweet replied me and consoled me. I was really thankful for that.
What a "screwed-up" day for me. Due to this, I feel so gloomy the whole day. Life's path is so rocky for me. Alot of aspects I've been working hard but I find myself getting a result not as what I've expected. Stress too. Believe it or not, it's drizzling again. It always seemed to drizzle or rain whenever I feel depressed. It didn't take very long before Jay Chou's "Xin Yu" start playing in my head as I start to "stone" again.
After lecture, Guan Hui wanted us to go for lunch and catch a movie. So we end up having lunch at our campus' canteen before watching "Banquet", 2pm at Westmall Eng Wah. It's not a bad show. A show depicting the desire, ambition and crave for power; love.
It stars Zhang Ziyi as the Prince Wu Luan's gf, who end up getting married upon the liking of the Emperor. The Emperor's younger brother assassinated the Emperor to gain his status as Emperor and the current Empress.
In the milst of conspiracy within the court, there are three distinctive love protrayed in the movie: Jealousy and struggling undying pragmatic love (of the Empress for the Prince) Innocent love (of the Grand Advisor's daughter Qing Yu towards the Prince); and genuine affection between the brother and sister.
The ending? Zhang Zi Yi became Emperor as the Prince and sinister Emperor died during the Banquet on an inauspicious date. The rising Phoenix aka Zhang Zi Yi got assassinated. However the assassinator wasn't shown.
Halfway through the movie, Sweet gave me a call. I was overwhelmed with absolute guilt since I didn't message Sweet and update Sweet of my where-abouts (as it's a form of mutual transparency to each other in our relationship). I feel so afraid, will Sweet not tell me where and who Sweet is going out with, next time? Of course, whenever I have doubts whether Sweet will leave me, I keep reminding myself that I should and will trust Sweet.
Besides this, I was afraid will Sweet misinterpret that I am "depreciating" my attitude towards our relationship which I promise I have and will never do so. I'm sweet-loving and faithful.
Sigh. Nowadays I'm so cautious about my words and expression. I just don't want Sweet to feel that I'm starting my "depression" and quarrel-inducing demerits. Mentally stressed and emotionally-fragile and insecured, I really need lots and lots of support and love. Sigh. Exam sucks.
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