De one with Fates of the Same Face

Noises

Every face has two sides. Not just physically visible, what lies beneath the facial skin are two personalities which make a face smile or frown.

Breathe with me.. inhale... and exhale. Now, if you would lend me a listening ear for I am going to say what has been troubling me.

It's amazing how I can desert myself to somewhere nobody knows. I've been keeping secrets, filled with nothing but pure unhappiness, worries and all the other feelings there are for a loser to contain. Truth is.. I'm not successful and I feel messed up. Unknowing, all in me doubt if I knew where my next step would be, what to expect next, who shall I be with, when to execute my decisions precisely and how the situation would be turned towards the director I'm taking. 

Let me project an image of my life... it is like four-scales. The one described above has sunk. The surface of the scale is centimeters away from the ground strewn with a million broken glass. Like a chandelier mold to have its handles give light in a downward manner, all four scales seems to be in downward position. 

Trust me when I confess I could sit right on top of a prism in the air, watching countless visitors traveling forth and away. Those who noticed, took photos of me. Some clasped their hands and prayed. Some didn't notice or couldn't be bothered. Some suggested it's better calling the police. All and all I didn't care. I choose not to because I was just breathing some air. And nobody gave me a rest.

Dates, partners, lovers and scandals have no varying meaning to be. All is like paints that wouldn't stain the white heart-shaped paper. No Eros' arrows could scar a mark. No diamonds or persuasions could even cut.

All for one and one for all. The four scales agreed that all shall fall. Regardless of gender, relationship nor blood, threads are tangled and better left intact.

I can no longer do this anymore I told myself. My wings are drenched and take flight no more. For now till when I could not tell. Promises land with nothing felt.

De one with All in Bucks

Coffee on discussion

The very first time I smelled the aroma of coffee seeds was when I attended kindergarden. After every half-a-day of "disciplined and confinement" with other kids in an ever-strange place, my granny would fetch me to this coffee-seller to replenish coffee powder but most importantly, give me a daily vitagen treat. Perhaps to compensate for the day's "torture". We were easily contended back then.

Despite "friending" with the familiar scent, I never knew how the source taste like. It wasn't until I was less than 10 year of age came my "first sip" experience. Back then, my late-mother and I were at Shenton Way. While waiting for my Dad with his awfully long dental appointment, we were having our breakfast at Burger-king in the vicinity. Apart from vivid memories of  the croissant and ham breakfast, a killer-back-for-more, I fragmentarily remembered Mummy actually let me tasted her coffee. You know, I was as inquisitive as other kids of my age were. So I was up for trying anything that came to my mouth. Apparently, the taste turned out too strong and awfully repulsive to my sweet taste-buds. So... I never had any then after. 

It was during a trip in Australia that I was attracted to the milky and vanilla-rich Victorian cappuccino (besides discovering my liking for Yellow-tea-leaves, in the same trip). Turns out, coffee ain't that dis-tasteful as it was a couple of childhood years ago. Unfortunately, the revisit to this internationally most-drunk beverage didn't occur moments after I returned to Singapore. Ah ma makes coffee every morning, as early as 5-6am. She still does even today and it will forever be poured into this green-metallic pot (which existed since decades or centuries ago). Sadly, never was I anywhere near that utensil.

Mohan. Yes, Mohan was the significant person who introduced me to coffee world and had me returning for good. Turned me into a subsidiary convict. Why only a subsidiary? Because the "main" convict refers to those who drink coffee everyday or wouldn't survive a day without coffee (like my Mummy, Aunt and some of my current colleagues). To be exact, ice blended coffee.

In one of my cab encounters, there was this particular cabby who chatted heartily with me while delivering me to Junction 8 after work. He discussed about the elusive evolution of coffee today and how this slight re-packaging of coffee appealed to younger generations (like me), without losing natural patrons (like him) and in turn, benefit the coffee-retailers' pockets. This humble grown-up was keen to learn how coffee today tasted or how were they made that "spelled" us into consuming them for hours at coffee-places. I shared with him my opinions:

1. It's coffee blended with chocolate (mocha) and ice. Part of what makes it so appealing was it's a beverage that cools and calms us given our typical tropical weather. Not only that, it keeps us awake to sustain our energy to stay at the same place and chat like there's no tomorrow. 

2. The vast variety and new mix with health-implicated ingredients, such as green tea, nuts, satisfy our appetite and demands for fresh taste and innovations.

3. Pocket money for us have increased drastically through generations. More kids find it affordable to try whatever's marketed to them. The erosion of conservatism, age where kids are restricted, financially confined have opened up most, if not, all access possibilities.

10 years ago, it's "Mommy, Daddy, can I buy this? My friends have it. I sampled it."

6 years ago, either "Mommy" or "Daddy, I am going to get this.."

At present, it seemed the child has had what he/she wanted without going through their parents. Insignificant stuff such as coffee? Are you kidding me you need parental permission?

Not doubt my first coffee was given by my mother. Honestly speaking, my 2nd coffee wasn't bought independently. My knowledge of the existence of ice-blended coffee was imparted from my cousin, Jasmine who bought it specially from a Coffeebean corner located at the old MPH bookstore, Suntec Ciy. It was a couple of years ago, what turned out to be a medium for nights of conversation became a beverage I thought of for leisure.

I later discovered Coffee bean coffee were too sweet. Age advised me sweetness was alittle "oldskool" and repulsive. It didn't take very long for my preference to change to getting coffee from the classic Starbucks. This. Was where memories were made.

Ever since my (pure) ko-ffee "affairs" with Mr Gopalan, Starbucks accompanied me through times of joy, peace, woes and loneliness.

(Joy): Peppermint was my favourite. Everytime they have these in stores during Christmas, I'm all hippertly hopperty up. Drinking the chilly, mint taste, I could felt the coldness of winter in my digestive system and hear the "festive jingles" tinkling in my mind.

(Peace): Coffee calms my nerves whenever I get worked up over completing/rushing assignment. In times when like this, a hot Caramel-Macchiato would perk my productivity to its maximum. Have me drink this and you might just regret talking to me. I'd probably think and talk very rapidly.

Else, on light rainy days, you might just find me at Starbucks, sipping the same hot CM receipe with a book in my hands.

(Woes): Bitter and sweet. Bottoms up to poetry alive:

"Love is a smoke made with the fume of sighs
Being purged, a fire sparkling in lover's eyes
Being vexed, a sea nourished with lover's tears.
What is it else? A madness most discreet,
A choking gall and a preserving sweet." - Romeo, Romeo and Juliet, Act 1 Scene 1.

You might find this familiar from my previous blog. But reality, it's true.

"I mean no other, no other but you" Caramel Frappucino, the drink to stick thru' thick and thin.

(Loneliness): None beats the cold and redness of the Ice Shaken Lemon Passion Tea. If "Passion" 's unavailable, I could have "Zen". Double the loneliness, double the choice of tea. Why tea? Tea is blend by nature. Being lonely is like shedding colors of life. The exact mirror of dilution of tea colors as it infuse with the melting skin-piercing ice.

If you can't have wine, let us have coffee. What more, it's cost less expensive! *Punches* *Kicks* and enough! Enough!.

Alot might agree with me, it's heavenly to "nua" ("laze and be restless" in hokkien) to be have coffee chats. In fact, I love it. Partly it's a healthier substitute to drinking to pour my misery and bit*hiness out. Without feeling the messy aftermath, hangovers or regretting anything because I'm sober. Partly owing to the fact I fare better with one-to-one conversation in a casual setting where we're only an arms-length diameter coffee table apart. People around are engaged in their perimeters of chat. It's alright to chat, get excited, or not chat at all. Comfortably be yourself, non-guarded and engage in both informal or formal conversations.

Throughout time, I've lost and gained alot. Well, it seems my blessings are like melted ice. Not just that, pressures from work and academic have sprinkled salt on the melting ice. When will the next session be schedule?

De one with Friendship Cracks

Hands to the heart

I used to have those floats in shapes of a swan, crocodile or hippo which need to be air-inflated.  It's a fun-big thing that never fail to put a smile on my face. Especially whenever I get to ride on it. However, there was  big problem. Once a hole is punctuated on its surface, no matter how you patch it up, it's unable to retain air as perfect as before.

To be honest, I can't help feeling useless. My friends are sad yet nothing I am doing seemed to yield results. To simply hack-care and leave things be only result in drastic measures like having my heart's better off taken out and thrown into the cliffs of Grand Canyon to the vultures. Yes, you can go on blabbering, raise 1,001 reasons and rattling on "nobody needs your comfort, listening ear", "Why do you care", "Your shoulders are too small to cry on", "Why impose yourself on others who didn't request".

Truth is, any reasonable man would have feel likewise, or have we became unbearably unfeeling?

De one with Recurring Pitstops

Unchained

Like an unchained melody, work (needless to say) and school assignments comings in choppy waves one after another. It's scary at times when I slump back into the chair, semi-mentally "impaired", to realise how rapid everything around me is coming forth and getting done with. Then the aftermath of regret just have to find itself creeping into the little pauses I take, eventually leading me to feel alittle disappointed with myself for doing only so much within the capacity and energy available.

Only yesterday was I done with AFA test 1. Right up, there's a consolidated cash flow assignment due next saturday. On exactly 8 days later, it's AFA test 2. Tonight, the comprehension to why I am repeating this module - flashpast without learning anything. It's like moving so fast, it feels as if you're not visually seen moving at all.

I stopped reading. My jogging routine got stood up too. Weekday's consist of waking up late, rush to work and by the time I reach home after a day at work or campus, it's already 10-11ish and nothing except shower followed by sleep. Then the next rush 24 rush hours starts. It's stifling. Blogging now? ha! it's a fraction of my deprived sleep.

And a typical weekend? It's basically weekend date with "sleep". The best is to be able to jog at least once. For now, sigh, it's only revision and rushing to meet deadlines! Arrgghh!

De one with Strike One

Something's big coming

Call it bad omen, negative intuition but it's an unavoidable fact that I'm worried. Feel it in my gut, something bad is cautiously unfolding.

AFA test 1 was a killer. It's the most feared module of all accounting students across the globe. I panicked for awhile because I forgotten how to deal with the Non-controlling interest during disposal. Perhaps due to lack of practice but I've spent 3 days and nights on this. 1 day of revision and still, it turns out like that. Sigh.

The next ga-braar thing was I miscounted my time. Got panicky for nothing because I short-changed myself 30 minutes. Learned my lesson from previous' poor time management. While others are scribbling or "vomiting" out their memory work, I apportioned the amount of time for each question based on the marks awarded. I even skipped when I am stuck.

Jocelyn text me telling she might failed. So I comforted saying "no use worrying what's done, just concentrate on what's to come". Amusingly, it's better said than do. Oh well, "no use crying over spilled milk".

Recently, I got stood up by a friend. Blame it on my sensitivity, my gut (again) tells me something's not right. Although I didn't approach her immediately because it'd only make things worse by pressing someone for an account of what happened. Turns out, my attempt to cheer didn't work. Maybe I'm lousy at talking people out. Maybe our friendship is no longer as important? I hate to administrate the latter, even for suspicion sake. However, the series of recent events seemed to point to the otherwise.

*Palms open* I seriously don't know what to do. Can't imagine I'm confining myself to such thoughts. Sounds silly yet inevitably true. You know what, just do what a guy normally do, "don't think". I mean I did all that's required of a friend and sometimes even more than an average friend. I'm really tired.

This is when find myself changing course and embarking on other stuff which are more constructive. The prime question is "Is this that I'm doing constructive?" An idea seeded from a friend, Baxter. Well, let's see, maybe I should take up driving (at last), take up wine appreciation seminars, reshuffle my stuff, clean my house, complete all the books in my library or go traveling alone.

And talk is nothing, actions are required. Jason's never about talk. It's my compulsion.

Something big's coming and Jason... never the same again.

De one with Rebound

Generating thoughts

"How long are you going to keep this up" keep revolving in the my head like a totem. It wasn't aching. On the contrary, it forced myself to come back to reality. It seems as though beads of invisible weights have been sewn to every inch of the hair till much effort was required to overcome downward pressure acting on my bowing neck.

A funny thing I realised about myself was the unbelievable recovery rate. Mood-shifter would probably be the most appropriate title to brand myself in for this blog. "Life is a stage" well said indeed. We react, display our emotions and leave it before moving on.

Sometimes we overreact. In such times, we become impulsive for no reason. If it were me, I've better learn to take a deep breathe and try to process the routes and course of actions I could choose from, then formulate what my next step would be. It takes practice. Most of us are unable to do so as human tend to want the most responsive actions to counter the disequilibrium abruptly presents itself.

It benefits me more as certain of my words sting. It shoots like a merciless sniper at times. Thinking through, I was glad not to have said much, conveyed what was necessary.

De one with Un's

Sonnet

Thee heart tells not where predicament lies
Heavy soul pulses, watch indifference time
Shadows never hung lower than pavement shines
Lonesome bittercold as salted ice,

Worst defeats worse in combat minds
Unleashes fear in struggling vice
O poor us thy friendliest ties
Undecipherable affirmation we never find.

(Picture in courtesy of Mike Duran)

De one with Birthday Touche

Nothing but Joy

Salutes, bows and blows kisses to those who made the 21st August 2010 an eventful and ravishing day! It's even sizzling, outrageously fun and euphoric than National Day or YOG! I sworn I'd never felt more like a comely star this year. The glamor outshone the dreadful age!!

 
Special gratitude to my "bros" who kick-start the beginning of the celebration and hastily fetched me to a posh restaurant (the Nautilus Project, in courtesy of luxury-insider.com) which I've never set foot in. Least did I expect being put through the embarrassing yet moving moment with cakes and candle. Have gotta admit I was near tearing when you guys deserted your masculinity and sung a birthday song in the presence of our neighboring kids and Caucasians at both sides of our table.

Next was Donald for our "nan de" dinner at Marche (below, in courtesy of singaporefountainpen.blogspot). A place I never been to since secondary school. A revisit to a place-from-history now situated at a whole new place. Ha! Glad you fare fairly well in your exams. Looks like our double-celebration was worth it!

If given a chance, I'd meet everyone who texted or wrote your well wishes on my wall (regardless of the automated notification / sincere memory work) and reward you $2 a beary hug! Lol. You know what? This is the premier of a new channel from which you could convey your greetings! Haha. You are like the red carpet for this year's birthday!

... The unlikeliest and stunning materialised when my close friends ambushed a "pre-birthday evening" plan on me! What meant as mere nonsensical suggestion turned out to be taken as serious command. They made a reservation at Giraffe (left, in courtesy of oriented.com), had appetizing seafood, enticing cheesecakes and hell lots of alcohol to consume till our hearts content!

It was like an uninterrupted date.. everything fell and saw through nicely. Play reshoots of our birthday gifts presenting scene repeatedly. Bet the surrounding crowds must have thought we were film-crazy. There was movie after dinner till the first minute of my B-day arrived! Too bad there weren't fireworks. Only Slyvester Stallon and bullets-firing, blood splashing and serial explosions in Expendables. Peeerrrrfect substitutes! Ho!!

Thy heart bloomed deeper into its core as the entire family was "activated" to this fine Chinese restaurant at Marina Bay Sands.

Two VIL(very important ladies) in my life...

Me + Jolly Daddy

...Cousins and a nephew

Uncle + me

There was superior dim sum, mouthwatering Peking duck, mouth-melting asparagus, prosperous Sharkfin dumpling and pastry.

Not everytime until today, there was an intangible priceless dish on the table which derived more satisfaction to the stomach and our hearts - Kinship.

House of J, with love from Marina Bay Sands

Wait, the premium gifts I received or got for myself with the privilege of being the birthday boy of course!

 

Dusk approaches came the people who sprinkled magic dusts to sparkle-up my actual Big Day! My dear colleagues brought me to a Peranakan restaurant and had our version of "tok panjang"! The spread was variegated and super delicious! Aww... I can't restrain myself from sharing the present...

"Jin zhi" (delicate in mandarin) right? "wah~ing" continuously as I turned the pages.

  
When asked if they felt pressurised ('cause they kept apologising for their artwork), they said they didn't. Just worried their deco didn't mean my standards. I was even asked if I'd touch up at home. Jokers la.

My heart burned with engulfing appreciation! It's ultra tough to buy presents for me. In this rare occasion, the gifts melt me heart!

After scrumptious dinner, we headed to this outdoor space. All the shops were closed, surroundings were dim. So we used the flashlight from handphones to brighten up our faces for better photo-shoots. Damn, I was like a celebrity la.. they played along, "more light here", "I'll be the mic-holder", "powder on Jason's face" when taking turns to have our photographs together. Then the cake and birthday song. Omg. Third cake for the period!

Wait, there's more.. we went to Mind's cafe till the last minute of 21 August 2010 passed.

One milestone, 9 days of celebration, 6 new venues, handful fine presents and countless blessings. It was a day I never felt more loved and centered in the world.Woohooo!!

De one with Carrying Ourselves

Composure in limelight

Recently, besides the YOG or National Day, the next hottest topics in town were whether death penalty should be void, the resurface of circularising fake notes and a skeptical article on men who carried handbags on their female counterparts' behalf.

Thanks to Hendri's recommendation, I watched Changeling, an award-winning and inspirational show which depicts the ugly and chaotic history of the then corrupted US police. It stars Angeline Jolie who plays a determined single-parent mother, Mrs Collins, who was desperately finding her missing son. She seeks the help of the police who eventually found another boy and claimed him to be her son while defending to redeem the public's confidence in the crumbling police force. Collins finds herself caught between pleading with the police to look for her son again, justifying the new-found boy was not her son and defending the police's undue means to keep the cat in the bag. Towards the end, Collins had help from a Parish Church pastor to bringing a case against the state and freed some victims of federal bully and injustice. The movie finished open-ended. It was a mystery whether Walter, the missing boy, was alive or dead.

Lucky to catch the touching movie coincidental to the debacle on death penalty. The death penalty was codified and sentenced for those who committed capital crimes. These cruel punishment accumulated through history, brutal forms from beheading, crucifixion, consumption of poison, drowning, prosecution by gun, stoning, electrocution to hanging by the neck. While the latter four still in presence, many have raised their brows as they reconsider and debate on the necessity of such inhumane and immoral corporal punishments used on criminals (who are humans after all).

Personal view: I advocate the abolish of the death penalty. Besides the very fact that they are fundamentally inhuman and cruel, the logical rationale to ask ourselves is whether it'd be equitable to take a life who had taken another?

Killing is, unquestionably one of the commonly-condemned sins in the perspectives of most religions. While most fear death, they feel opposite when imposing death upon others. Of the reasons these people provide, it is likely corporal punishment was a fair and just way to penalize the offender.

Well, let me further support my view with another perspective which oppose the above mentioned. We watched the same repeated scene of a savior alerts the avenger at the point when he holds a weapon on his/her revenge-target: "Will death upon this murderer revive the departed loved ones?". In 9 out of 10 movies with the same plot, the avenger comes to his/her senses and loosen the weapon. The audience relieves and cheers. These will be the people who forgive and most probably be in consensus with doing away with the death penalty.

Critics might rebuke, of other times, the injustice done by the murderer was severe and unforgivable. Audience with low tolerance, or should I say, "emotional" stand high chances of taking sides to condem the murderer and hence, supporting "a tooth for a tooth".

Notwithstanding the above, I'm not arguing all punishment unnecessary. Just strongly believe punishment to the flesh should be totally avoided. What about alternatives like life imprisonment? True enough, the loop-side of life imprisonment would be having to allocate more land to house these prisoners. Then again, a true account from an ex-offender revealed imprisonment is torturous. Imagine having nothing to do and captivated in an enclosed, stuffy and smelly (toilet's just beside where you sleep), it is the worst thing that could happen to anyone. It's psychological pain. 

----

Fake notes...tsk tsk tsk, so dangerous. Now, if you were to ask me, these are the people who might just change my opinion to retain corporal punishment la. Why must one cheat?! Yucks. Worse is it has a domino effect, it's as poisonous as MLM! And cashier, do your job and check properly la. Well, the customer might feel offended when you spend awhile authenticating the note but does the costs outweigh the immediate benefits? I don't think so. Eh, don't circularise too much money, local standard of living is painstakingly on the high side and inflation is unbearable than it was. Let's not aggravate the current situation money-fakers. Else, the repeat of banana-notes occurs and you are the only ones to thank for. It wouldn't take long before my slippers' up your ***.

----

Now, *cracks my knuckles*, what's wrong with men carrying handbags for their wives or girlfriends? Let us analyse this, can we?

1) What's your capacity when you judge or "winch" your eyes? I don't remember it's a penal code or clause of international jurisdiction which prohibits man, regardless of reasonableness or rationale, to carrying a ladies' bag. What I'm aware of is the liberty of actions.

2) Mind-openness. If one can be opened to homosexuality, metrosexuality, I bet if say Leonardo or your male- idol offers to do the same, do you stand firm on your biased perspective? *bell ringing*

3) Which part truly bothers you? Touch your heart and employ your conscience before you respond. The man's action or the bag/caring boyfriend you are deprived off? Psychologist reports have shown more than never, we tend to become sarcastic or have our minds generating repulsive thoughts to repel to whatever we are seeing which we oppose. "Taking sourgrapes" would be a classic example. We say things bad about others to feel better.

Come on la, just because a guy carries an LV, Prada or what was mentioned again.. Gucci and you carry an imitation, you stereotype him as an "ah gua". When he looks averagely good but he has a girlfriend, just so happens he carries the handbag and when you look beside yourself and there's nothing but your aching shoulders, you stereotype him as a henpeck or potential hen-peck to be. What is the world of fine ladies and thoughtful gentlemen coming to?

4) Well, if it really bothers you, be gracious. We are gracious Singaporeans living in a gracious society. Smile and think, "wuao, that's a lovely couple" and walk away. The most important thing, be gracious!

De one with Life Corrections

Repentance and repellent

Whatever I have and had didn't amount to the wonderful company and the sight of intimacy up-close and personal. Tonight, it was reminded intimacy don't require a voice to convey its existence between two. A  glance, which last longer than average, signified more than words of our love concern.

Oh, go on, play the romantic violin, guitar or saxophone for this was an evening where passion, sentiment and love set themselves ablaze.

My bros took me out to an atas restaurant at Ion (top level) where seafood dinner was served as an advanced birthday dinner celebration. The ambiance and food were just fine, spare the part where my high-bros asked the staff to bring a dessert with a candle. Caught me totally off-guarded and sent my cheeks glowing in the soft lit space. Arhh... but touched nevertheless. Yes, I was indeed.

Perhaps the YOG opening attributed more to our festive evening. Wanna heard more news? We walked into Dolce (did you know Dolce and Gabbana had moved out from Forum?), Prada, ThreeSixty supermarket, Ferragamo and went home empty-handed! Wait, that's not the point. The critical labor of the day was I went home, heart-filled. Life was as though corrected by a correction tape. How's that huh... bet I'll be sleeping with a smile tonight.  :)

The one with Up and Coming

Celebrative spirit awakening

Sometimes I really wish I had a twin brother! Imagine both of us doing stuff together, go out together and getting people confused because both of us might just look too alike - some mischievous thoughts when I woke up every morning with my head throbbing and didn't feel good about going to work. Turned up at work nevertheless.

For things deprived of, I had things afforded with. Despite making declaration of nothing I'd want for this year's birthday, there were a couple of stuff I'll be getting:

1) Estee Night Repair (to combat my ageing face)
2) A new "housing" for my hp from Dolce and Gabbana.
3) Prada ring charm (just couldn't bear the nakedness of my bag).
4) A new "palace" for my Kris bears colony
5) A blackberry (who cares is the Arab Emirates or Indonesia banning)
6) Automatic watch from Tiffany
7) Another Dolce and Gabbana belt
8) A marriage partner

Short and sweet, just like shopping of which anyone were to say it was boring?

De one with Ghost Town

Back-track

Before I forget, please please please let me rewind the time back to 23:58. For I have yet to wish my beloved country and nice friend, Darren, a very huge Happy Birthday!

Resetting time back to present, when I thought I'd be super patriotic to dawn my red-striped shirt to work, I woke up with a migraine. Qing, tsk tsk, you must have pass it on via the texts we sent to other another last night. The nerves at my temples were literally pounding to very resonance to my eardrum. It's as if a mischievous toothfairy had implanted a loud speaker into my ear when he couldn't find any tooth to collect. All vibration amplified to my brain, causing my head to spin in ache.

It seemed like an unluckiest day, inaugural to the lunar seventh month. More prone to injuries than normal while at work. I got knocked in the ribs when moving too fast to my seat and banged onto the wall. Next, I got a paper cut from a stack of freshly print documents. Sigh.

Just before I conclude the evening, thinking the inauspicious had taken its toll on me, I end up attending class alone. My course-mate Jocelyn was nowhere in sight. Sigh. But that's not to bad la, dreadful but I needed to acquire from the lecture, accompany or no accompany. It feels just like secondary or jc days. Independence.

Believe and hope my circumstances would improve. Ar-char ar-char ar-char (jiayou in korean)!!

De one with The One

Thoughts and wordings

Everybody talks, yearns and desires their very own "the one". It could be a thing, a wedding ring, a dream job position, a school to attend...most commonly, "the one" often refers to a soul-mate.

I couldn't help but be half-amused and half-embarrassed having recalled my confessions to my exes. As far as I recalled I told and was being told we're "the one", often tagged with either the "last" (the last one) or "and only" (the one and only). The way that it sounds clinche which makes my cheeks glow. Now that I relived the moment these words came out of my mouth, it reset my heart, mind and soul to reconsider the depth and genuine of the words.

While I can't justify how true my exes meant those words were, I could well make a close guess. I supposed "no" because they were cases of the ex. If you'd care to ask further whether I meant what I said a decade ago, *lowers my chin for awhile and lift up again*, am afraid I have to say "no, I didn't".

"Why?" you might probe further. Having considered the ugly endings or the blatant unwind of events, hidden secrets each of us were hiding from one another (be it to save ourselves, protect the other party, the fate of fates), my answers jolly well converge on "I couldn't have meant what I said". What was true might be for the moment the words were formed, like a carat ring essential to close the deal, elevates our confessions to a level more convincing with our partners.

What's past and present can be dealt with. The ultimate wary lies within what the future beholds. Age yields experience and experiences in turn affect our perspectives, behavior and the way we react eventually. It seemed more is required of us to "fall for another person" after who, what, where and when you've encountered, lest to say it's twice as difficult to get head-over-heels over someone. Do I have to comment further how painfully demanding it is to tell someone "you're the one" largely because you can't be certain what would be the outcome inspite of knowing how weighty these words are.

Or not... we could be stalking time.. living pretentious relationship filled with lies and other unhealthy situations which puts all of us committing similar mistakes to utter shame. Shows how much integrity and maturity we sinners lack. The fact that we are grown ups and still unable to carry meaning to your vocal-expressions. Gosh, we ought to be careful about what we say.

(Photo in courtesy of www.jerryhart.com)

De one with Salt

Bore and daring as ever

The rare diamond sparkles at the slightest fade of light. How do I differentiate a star? Agree totally with Kylie Minogue, it's in their eyes.

In courtesy of flavorwire.com

Rare as can be, Angelina Jolie is one of those distinct as one. Yes, you can go on relating her as one of the sexiest women, her full-lips, slim body. My opinion of her based on her steady eyes. She has this special gaze, like Chow Yun Fat, which makes it all worthwhile for her to make a scene without any lines or music to compliment.

Recently, I watched Angelina Jolie in SALT. Yesterday Clara commented "she looked better in dark colored hair" when she looked her in the cinema poster. I preferred the new blondie look. It makes her look like a composed real-life Barbie, refined lady. But I couldn't agree more with H, that woman has got the "killer" looks. Besides her beauty, she's got this ultra-cool look, it's tough telling if she's even acting or naturally being herself!

Weekends seemed to be blasted with movies. Speaking of my hunger for it for the past month. *gigs*. First was Inception, Air Bender, and recently, Salt. Sorcerer's Apprentice? My gut feeling tells me not to. Sorry if you are a post-movie turned big fan.

The movie was pretty a blast. No, not because Angelina Jolie (the second woman in the world I labelled as "hot" or she's a few left-handed) was in it, as I told Clara when she'd guessed. If compared with Inception, SALT is less complex, more actions but nonetheless brilliant twist. And.. you'll only need to watch it once to fully understand it. Haha.

I guess, I prefer watched action flicks nowadays. And yes, those with alot of twist that make me sit up and think "so this was how it begun in the beginning" or "wuao, who would have ever thought so". What about your preference? Has it changed lately?

De one with Way Finding

Present memory

Shots in flashes. Ready. Begin.

*snap* The buzzling crowd.

(Photo from "http://farm4.static.flickr.com")

*snap* Crossing the road..

*snap* Bugis.

Pause and play. The most uncommon sight of an old lady, with permed white hair, dressed in purple flora shirt and brown stretch pants. There she stood, amongst the flow of perspiration-moist people. As though she was a twig, rooted on the riverbed, as human flow passed her. The evening time had came to a halt, the matrix effect launched but it didn't deter my eyes from filming this perfect sight.

The scene rolled on. As if it was all part of a script, the old lady moved the walking-stick a quarter-meter ahead of her before moving her feet toward her only means of support. Just when you though she would move again, her soft eyes glazed gently toward the snack-store, filled with another buzzling crowd. Had you been in my shoes, could anyone not feel your heart dissolved. My conscience sang a chorus, repeating an idea to approach her without prejudice, without guard, without skepticism, without harm to offer all you had to assist that old person.

Despite my thoughts, a lightening-span dilemma hesitated my offer. I thought to myself: "There's no way this old lady would be alone. If she were, she wouldn't have choose to be in the mainstream crowd.". I thought so, and rapidly regretted not having tried to ask. But I couldn't stop. Doing so would only jam up the narrow passageway. Not that it couldn't get any narrower.

And I thought, what if the old lady couldn't find her way through the annoying crowd if she's genuinely alone. I looked back to see if the old lady continued to walk alone to confirm my doubts. There was no sight of her. Which derived me relieve - her family members must be with her.

Way finding could be tough when you're alone. The better out of this? You'll come out brave when you find your own exit. I certainly never find myself occupied with Sunday plans until my abrupt acceptance to LW's message. This acceptance to go out in plain T-shirt, berms, my vintage 6 year old slippers and loyal braun wallet led me further to unimagined long hours spent having a whole new virgin experience lunching, a midshift dessert affair at a nostalgic place and detoured encounter with Cluedo over coffee.

My two-years-less-a-decade good friend LW lived up to his promise to take us to lunch with his first week's pay. Silly guy. What didn't occurred to me was to lunch at Muthu's, consuming dough and curry fish-head in the afternoon. Curry without rice, without using eating utensils, without the fear of table etiquette because touching your food with your hands, in a restaurant, was permitted.

The three "usual" us came equipped with deflated guts. We walked down to Ah Chew under the hot weather and treated ourselves with desserts. This place really brings back memories. It was as though it was yesterday Chin Yu and I were sipping the same sago during our pre-ORD lau-period.

We were bored and out of ideas after aimless walks around Bugis. Was on the verge of taking a train home when my company called me to tell me they were still outside the toilet where I went 5 minutes ago. LW said he needed coffee. Without warming my seat at the train platform, I found myself tapping out of the control station and reunite with them. Bought a Cluedo and walked all the way to TCC, to play, chill and laughed the remains of our Sunday away.

The big-time entertainer award for the day had to go to Clara who amazed us continuously during our Cluedo sessions. In case you need a refresher-course, Cluedo is a detective game. It's about drawing conclusions with the limited information you owe, make accusations to solve a fictional murder case. The winner is the one who reveal correctly the murderer, weapon commit the murder and where the murder occurred. Our amusing friend, "Cocker-nathan-Clara" made our jaws drop with the following:

1) She made a wrong accusation with the clue which she was holding on to. Ya, she only realised when she opened the confidential cards.

2) She made a silly four steps move, hoovering around the murder venue of which she had deciphered. Obvious gaveaway to LW who was actually clueless before he spotted her folly.

3) She took her turn when it wasn't her turn. O.M.G.

To all good things come an end, and so did our impromptu meet. We bid goodbye with partial memories of laughter, partial relieve it's a public holiday the morning after and partial anticipation to our next meetup soon.

De one with The Last High-hoper

Just-In-Time

Managed to catch The Last Air-bender three hours ago. Hmm.. not pretty bad show. A few good old graphic effects when these element-benders conjure their super-abilities. But... the storyline was delivered right at the start which it'd be most appropriate to say "the movie definitely has got air, water, earth and fire except an element of surprise". *Fold my arms* I'd give a 2 out of 5 popcorns if I were to be the critic for the house. Cast wise, not idea, well...that's how young starts are born I guess.

Since this is Book One: Water, audiences (I suppose the kids and those noisy teenagers sitting behind me) would look forward to Book Two. The last part was inserted abruptly, as if in the case of us slotting in an Annex just because we forgot to include some critical parts and time had run out for the assignment to be handled up. The finale was desperately trying to announce there's a sequence. Tsk tsk, giveaway.

Oh well, the lesson for the day - I realised my movie experience requires a high-flying score with concentration, accompany, the movie and venue. Any of these get stained with glitches and it will cost me the evening's experience to turn sour. Was head-over-heels premiering my Dolce until this guy came into his seats late, stepped onto it. Shoes are intangibly unfeeling. I, on the other hand, literally felt my heart ache.

Company does matter, if he/she leans too close to you and saturate your nostrils with the strong fragrance on his/her clothes, kiss your entertainment goodbye. As much as I was trying to follow through the screenplay, the plumage in my nose injunct me so. Musky is good. Too musky, guys, let's just take a break with the spray shall we?

The venue. *cracks my knuckles*. Selection of venue is vital. Imagine a wedding dinner at a kopitiam. It's the surrounding, seats, behavior of other audiences which ultimately affect your mood. If you ask me for my opinion, going to an over-crowded Cineleisure when I'm in executive wear - n.o. w.a.y. Never will I do that again. Cross thy heart. It's just unbearably noisy, filled with young kids. Hades, recall back some of these souls please.

Ok, perhaps I am temperamental. Ageing la. What to do? As we fret over ageing, it is comforting to know other things don't. Like this one!

Recently, my decisions miraculously get more reassured despite they were mere insignificant choices without much thought. I worked so hard my eyes hurt this week. Hence, my temporarily blindness let my feet taxi me around. Before I knew it, it brought me to Swarovski. I inquired with the sales assistant for the annual Christmas Kris bear. In fact, I dialed Vivocity before heading out. Both gave me disappointing replies. Inspite of  "judgmental advise" to soothe me (as a customer), the stock had already arrived today. This day that seemed vid and grey suddenly turned bright as I touched this tiny piece of delight and ornament of luck.

Certainly, a silver sparkling lining after grey clouds (that's more like it). The reunited of thy "petite colony". Yeay!

De one with Dolce & Gabbana

Specificity

In times of uncertainty, some Christians step into their church; the sick steps into the neighborhood; the coffee addict steps into Starbucks while I found myself stepping to Ion. And did I bid "losing faith" hallelujah when the "adoption" of twins went through smooth and swift.

Well, certainly not identical twins but still, they are made out of the same material, same matt-shiny texture, same designers, same branding, same place of "adoption", same "guardian" and wah-lah! They almost even belong to similar $$ range.

May I present the latest adopted pair of shoes from the latest autumn-winter 2010 Dolce & Gabbana collection. Yup, it turns out these happened to be the latest most-sought after "craze" in the house of J. Can't take your eyes off. Dashing and Gorgeous indeed.

Where did "losing faith" begun with? On the south side of thy heart, a series of meaningless events seemed drained out my faith so much so that I found myself unknowingly alienating people around me. It's bad but you see I've spent time to select presents, paid on their behalf, spent time to have dinner, even reject a hard-to-come-by request to join an expensive YOG opening ceremony preview. At the end of the day, I sat at Xin Wang Cafe, ate half a plate of the black pepper chicken rice and felt nothing. Did I mention my eyes were bitter and kinda swollen from the late nights of decorating cards. Thanks to me coming with the idea of replacing normal birthday cards with poker cards with personal birthday messages instead.

I tried my best to be awake and appear interested coz I knew how weird the birthday star wold feel like another is aloof at the table. But at the end of the day, I never felt a sense of belonging.

Honestly, even friends whom I thought they were, I couldn't face the truth that I was dispensable.. like some "wipe and throw wet tissue" you know. Or..or a wine glass, that's only needed when the wine is full and discarded away when its empty. And then I feel sorry for myself. Lose a grip and find myself like this.

It's like a game of poker. You regret, turn within your stomach coz you made the wrong bet. And hence, I decided to fold my cards and leave the table for someone else to play this inevitable failure game.

I met Bax for movie. Turns out I found that we had nothing to chat. I was trying. But he wasn't replying. And that I thought, no.. this is not how I wanted people to respond. It's the same with others. Abso-fu*kin-lutely tiring. Ya, go on and say everyone has a job. But imagine taking over my job for a day and tell me whether you are capable of behaving the same as I am, if the boot fits.

*Sigh*, I confided in Qing and she said "time to find a wife".

My natural reaction was to ask "Why?"

And her reply hit me like a stuck of the bell. "You're not young anymore".

Fair enough, we have reached certain age. That means we go a step higher be it in our career (put it plainly, they just want the money), some defend their argument at better maturity (perhaps something to complement their withering appearance), a great lot looking for a partner (bliss Qing and I'm happy you located that someone to grow with so soon). I was looking at none as I wasn't certain I've stocktaken any of my current achievement. This is when I need my close friends to tell, remind me. When I lift up my head, no one's in sight.

They say in life, no man's an island. But I protest and oppose strongly against that matter. People who did are initiators, the leaders of their life. But having done so doesn't mean a lonely man who gains and reserves everything for themselves. I chose the backstage works, do everything within my means to create, spare time and face all the messiness myself. Unfairly but sacrificially, I did everything I could... just to make the slightly impossible all possible.

People, especially Max and Hendri would "preach" that I have to love myself. It drilled in my head so well like a hot symbol imprinted into my memory during all my breakups. I do, I do, I do. But I need someone to support me whenever I fall.. a phonecall, just asking would in fact do; a flatter, the Leo me likes it; an unbiased truth, I can faced it; or even nothing to talk, just a hug, a present, a pat on the shoulder. And I worked so hard, perhaps too hard, Chris once said about me.. to earn everything that's good for people to talk about that sometimes I failed to note I'm born good and perfectly the way I expected myself to be.

I made a list of good friends, the good moments we shared. It's heartbreaking when knowing touched memories ain't much for retained-dwelling but commemorated and let go as time passes. You just can't keep reality and have to let it go. "How do you fill a cup that's already full". And yesterday, I threw away two Giodano jeans (since secondary school) so I could free more space my my growing newer ones. Philosophy in practice.

It's sad realising I had to brave it all, make the hard decisions and promise myself never to look back again. Reliant or not, it's time to donate unfruitful "investment" and continue to search for what best to salvage. Like confidence and other things which would save you troubles of worrying. For now, I have my Dolce and Gabanna shoes which I termed "the Twins". Thank you for keeping me proud and smiling.

De one with Re-entree

Not quite done confessing yet

I seriously don't understand what's the big fu*king problem with being yourself. I shop, get whatever I want, live a fortunate life. Who are people to judge us?

Stop being like someone you know about everyone. Sometimes, a fool is not fooler than the one who judges the fool.

Quit evaluating, start doing. Don't regret and *snap* you're in control. Of no one but yourself.

De one with Life Crisis

Confessions

Ave Maria, it'd better not be what I think it is.. wish I won't have to admit it but hurtfully, I think "quarter-life" crisis slammed.

Wait, didn't they say menopause wouldn't hit males until late 50s or something? Or worst, could this be a yucky second episode, repeat telecast of puberty?


It's just similar to how science can't explain the supernatural, feels sh*tty everything. I can feel all sunshiny, lit myself in flames and next moment, the rain's just persistent to extinguish the rays I emit.


And the sad part, I know very well "the toughed keeps the tough going". Smile graciously and optimism might just work like how a little pinch would save you from a serial nightmare. Gave it alot of shots, it all seems futile.


Calm down and think? Relax? It's taken a toll on me. It's like a body or mind that's not mine.  :(

De one with Over and Over Again

Would you?

What kind of weird habits or personal stuff would you occupy yourself with when you are feeling sad?

*Raising thy hand* I used to hide under the pillow casing and talk to my imaginary friends when I was below ten years of age. It seemed these imaginary friends left my mind as though through an exit door when age catches up and rationalism claimed its victory over the compartments in my brain. The victorious moment took place when I turned 13.

At 13, my loneliness ventured me into a delight of hiding in the school's library and drown myself in calmness. The tranquility enhanced with air-conditioning, muffled rowdiness behind cold tempered glass doors. It was an image of "heaven" back then.

That's passed. About now, I'd put on my running sneakers and go for an evening jog, perspire it out. I guess people curse and swear. I run and sweat it off. Clears my head and shake those downers out. This would be healthier and damn, not only do you feel better, you look better. What can I say, the sense of achievement further compliment the initial thought of dispelling my negativity.

Urban legend or clinche yet true. I drink. Not to the critical stage of turning myself into an alcoholic of course. Well, one can't deny the fact that having to be concerned with a spinning headache or overnight hangover  does help keep your mind off and somewhat even make you forget part of misery. Perhaps sadness drowned itself when we become sober enough to realise how silly I was being overly-concerned and unhappy. hmm.. Perhaps the alcohol lowered our guards like an opening floodgate, thereby enabling the easiness to speak, confess and confide with others. For me, it was a moment of relaxation and letting go. Its as though time has stopped when I could finally hear myself breathe.

Pragmatism warns us time waits for no man or boy. I hate it but that's just inherent in life. Hence, it gave me a reason to board on the bus, plug on my ipod music and weep the long journey back. And I never fail to tell myself, at the destination stop, I must compose myself and chuck every single bit of gloominess at the commuter's seat.

Food is the next thing that comes inevitably. Disappointingly all the gals out there, eating to crunch sorrows never really work. It's the entire opposite of running to chase your melancholy out of your system. It's like stacking more to whatever that's on the "sad quota" when I look myself in the mirror just before or after I showered. Uackk.

But I do have a tiny confession to make, SINS chocolate proofed itself an antidote whenever I broke up. It's something rrrrreeeaaallly abnormal. Stuff I'd never do - Eat sinfully.

Well, if your advice is to eat, why not having yourself a cheesecake. That's my favourite since Initial D depict a scene of a lovesick Jay Chou stuffing himself with cheesecake as he wanted for its creator to return his call. Oh, cheesecake goes hand in hand with caramel frappachino from Starbucks. If in luck and during the rarest occasion, you might just hear me say "the caramel is sweet. the coffee is better. Bittersweet. Which is why I drink it."

It is only recent that I realised the knick for gifts "embezzles" or "liquidates" the "woe account" in my central heart. Satisfaction from the best derives joy from the joy-deprived. Be beware when Jason shops, 1 sales assistance is not enough. You better have what I want, how I want you to ask friendlily, assist earnestly, smile glamorously and (most desirably) walk me to the door chauffeuring my shopping bags.  

Ultimately, nothing beats having a concerned soul call in just to check on me. You can have dispute with your partner, ugly experience with client, quarrels with friends, sucky day with work and all it takes is a phrase from the unexpected to light a spark to eradicate or wipe off those negativity infesting your heart like a droplet of black ink in a fishbowl of water, and bloom delights to keep you smiling when you turn in for the night.

Thank you.